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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To like being looked after by a man?

299 replies

Ribrabrob · 18/08/2020 20:45

I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently and I feel very guilty about it but... I like being looked after by a man. Physically, emotionally, financially. It makes me feel safe and secure. I like being the ‘damsel in distress’ and I’m happy to be rescued by a man. For example if I broke down on the motorway and a man helps me change a tyre.

I’d be happy to be a housewife and have no say in finances, not work etc. i like it when a man is stronger than me, when he is an alpha male. Not controlling, but dominant. I like that that there are differences between the genders and being seen as the fairer and, dare I say it, weaker sex.

Now, I don’t have any strange ‘daddy issues’ because I have a perfectly nice relationship with my loving and caring father, plus my parents have a healthy equal relationship so I’m not sure why I feel this way. I do wonder if it is something I should look into dealing with though - perhaps counseling? Or is that just dramatic? I guess I can’t help how I feel.

So, aibu to enjoy being looked after, taken care of etc? Am I letting other women down by feeling this way and not fighting for equality? Like I say I do feel guilty, and I do tend to keep my thoughts to myself on this matter because I feel like I’m letting myself down (except when posting a thread on Mumsnet Grin)

OP posts:
mummypie17 · 19/08/2020 08:26

I like being looked after too but at the same time I don't want to be 'helpless' or 'dependent'. That would leave me very vulnerable. DH earns more than me and can afford for me not to work. However, I have a rewarding career that I spent years building that I would be very reluctant to give up.

YorkshireTeaIsTheBest · 19/08/2020 08:29

Leaves you open to abuse.

I like an equal or someone that compliments me.

CrunchyCarrot · 19/08/2020 08:39

I don't know why some of you think being a 'kept' woman means you will have no say in finances in a relationship? Not necessarily! I have been a 'kept woman' for the past 20 years (I've health problems). My DP has known since before we decided to live together that I may never work. He didn't earn very much at that stage, but we embarked upon a relationship nevertheless. He is good at his job and over time earned more and more. We've never been in financial difficulties. He is certainly no 'control freak'. I don't know how rare he is, but he's pretty special.

I am in charge of the finances and do all the admin. Luckily we have similar views on money and saving, we are both pretty cautious. We've never been in debt (other than having a mortgage, which is now almost paid off). I was also in charge of the majority of housework (but health issues stopped me for some time and we had a cleaner). DP is good at doing handyman type jobs around the house.

Am I bored? Hell no! I have tons of interests. Smile

The down side is that I have no financial income of my own, so if something goes wrong (i.e. he dies first) then I am not in a good position (although possibly not as bad as I think, but still). I think the financial side is the most worrying aspect if you do split from your partner or he dies.

OP I think you have a romantic view of what it would be like but the reality can be starkly different. I was lucky but you may not be. If you are able to work, then I would suggest you do so, being financially independent is very important. Smile

Noneformethanks · 19/08/2020 08:41

@CrunchyCarrot

I don't know why some of you think being a 'kept' woman means you will have no say in finances in a relationship? Not necessarily! I have been a 'kept woman' for the past 20 years (I've health problems). My DP has known since before we decided to live together that I may never work. He didn't earn very much at that stage, but we embarked upon a relationship nevertheless. He is good at his job and over time earned more and more. We've never been in financial difficulties. He is certainly no 'control freak'. I don't know how rare he is, but he's pretty special.

I am in charge of the finances and do all the admin. Luckily we have similar views on money and saving, we are both pretty cautious. We've never been in debt (other than having a mortgage, which is now almost paid off). I was also in charge of the majority of housework (but health issues stopped me for some time and we had a cleaner). DP is good at doing handyman type jobs around the house.

Am I bored? Hell no! I have tons of interests. Smile

The down side is that I have no financial income of my own, so if something goes wrong (i.e. he dies first) then I am not in a good position (although possibly not as bad as I think, but still). I think the financial side is the most worrying aspect if you do split from your partner or he dies.

OP I think you have a romantic view of what it would be like but the reality can be starkly different. I was lucky but you may not be. If you are able to work, then I would suggest you do so, being financially independent is very important. Smile

I think it because the op specifically says it in her op.

I’d be happy to be a housewife and have no say in finances, not work etc.

aquashiv · 19/08/2020 09:08

What absolute bollix.

WhereamI88 · 19/08/2020 09:46

So plenty of money and no responsibility? Sounds great! I think we all fantasize about winning the lottery and we all get tired of all the crappy daily shit and would love for someone else to do all that. Like I still hate making my own doctor appointments. So I understand the feeling behind the fantasy.

But the reality of what you're describing sounds horrific and I think even if you found a nice-ish man to give you all that, it'll soon wear thin when you realize you can't socialize because he needs you home for dinner, you can't go on holiday to that place you really wanted to see, you can't have your favourite dinner ever because he hates it, you can't buy that dress you wanted because he thinks it's slutty, you can't go have a coffee with your friend because you have no money of your own, etc etc it's gonna get suffocating pretty quick.

You're assuming that whatever man gives you all that is also a nice man who will put your needs first but...why would he? What's in it for him other than sex and a clean house? All he needs is a maid and a new girlfriend every few years once the old one gets sick of being a doormat.

bugsinarow · 19/08/2020 09:51

You feel safe and secure but in reality you are extremely vulnerable. Your are dependent on one individual to keep on liking you and being prepared to support you.

bruuuh · 19/08/2020 10:15

Poor you OP, thinking you need to go to counselling over this Grin. No you don’t! I mean, counselling can be great for many reasons, but I wouldn’t be seeking it for this reason. You feel the way you feel and you’re being honest. No need to apologise for that.

Everyone is different and attracted to different things in a partner. There no right and wrong here, so please don’t let anyone tell you there is. Let them live their lives, you live yours.

Whatever “type” of partner you find yourself gravitating towards, the main thing is, that he is a kind, decent person. One that accepts you for who you are and vice versa. Someone you don’t have to pretend with.

I think it’s absolutely fine to be attracted towards men who will take care of you and protect you and there’s no shame in that. It’s not weakness necessarily - in fact, I’d say you should expect nothing less. I would say, this is one if the things that attracted me to DH. In a relationship, you can take care of each other in different ways - whatever comes most naturally to you. You can give each other the freedom to be different, but still be equal. I would personally be bored stiff in a relationship where I was constantly stressing about who does this job or that, who earn what blah blah and are we 50/50 in everything. I don’t care really. I just do what I do and he does what he does. The way this panned out is that I haven’t worked for 17 years, but I can tell you it’s absolutely fine. We’ve never discussed it really because his companies just took off and life gets busy with kids and it is what it is. I respect him for taking care of the financial side of things and enabling the life we have; he respects me for holding it all together with the kids and everything else. I don’t have “no financial control” though. Don’t confuse a man who is proud to provide for his family with a man who is financially abusive. These are two very different things.

thepeopleversuswork · 19/08/2020 10:30

You’re putting your future in the hands of a man based on your ability to cater for his whims?

This leaves you massively vulnerable in so many ways.

It’s a foolish strategy for a life and I hope this is just a fantasy. If not I’m afraid you deserve what could happen to you.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/08/2020 10:31

I take it that you have nothing against single unemployed parents after all you're no different to them are you really. There can't be one moral for one and a different one for another, goose and gander and all that.

notanothertakeaway · 19/08/2020 10:40

@Pukkatea

This sort of attitude might have worked out for women at a time where divorce was very difficult and forbidden/frowned upon. A subservient wife could at least expect some degree of lifetime security if not real love. However these days where anyone could leave you at any point with few consequences? You'd be bonkers to leave yourself in such a precarious position.
I agree with this
formerbabe · 19/08/2020 10:47

@bruuuh

I completely agree with you. I'm a sahm by circumstances rather than choice...I do plan on working again. I also brought plenty to the table financially when we met. Now however my dh supports us...I do the house stuff. He looks after me in the sense that he'd never expect me to sort out the car, or arrange a plumber etc. I do probably view him as the head of our household but that doesn't mean I'm some meek, pathetic woman who is scared to express an opinion. He is a strong kind of man without being controlling or abusive. That is possible. I have a friend who has a lovely husband but is definitely a beta male rather than an alpha male...I couldn't stand that.

Angelina82 · 19/08/2020 11:50

If that’s your preference of course you shouldn’t feel guilty about it OP. Stop worrying about what other women think and live your life how YOU want to.

corythatwas · 19/08/2020 12:17

I don't know why some of you think being a 'kept' woman means you will have no say in finances in a relationship?

Might just be because they are discussing a thread by an OP who specifically said she didn't want to have no say in the finances.

There are other threads for discussing responsible, mature, equal SAHPs. This thread was about somebody who wants to be infantilised.

formerbabe · 19/08/2020 12:20

I suppose the thing is no one actually enjoys financial admin. I mean things like sorting out insurance, organising direct debits and the like are just another boring household chore aren't they? I don't think anyone actively enjoys spending their time on that. Hence why it feels easier to hand over to someone else, even if it isn't the most sensible thing to do.

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/08/2020 12:26

Isn't there a fine line anyway, between being 'looked after' and being with a partner who is concerned for your welfare? I guess each person's 'looked after' may be different.

My XP wouldn't EVER offer to carry a shopping basket for me. Even if he saw me struggling, shifting it from hand to hand and clearly suffering from the weight. It just never occurred to him that I might want him to help me. Almost any other man would step in and just say 'shall i carry that?'

I absolutely don't want to be 'looked after' but I do require a degree of regard for another's welfare to be a basic in a relationship.

Dozycuntlaters · 19/08/2020 12:27

Each to their own I guess although I can't imagine anything worse, but then I am fiercely independent, always have been.

You can let a man look after you though and still be self sufficient. If you are totally reliant on anyone financially then it's madness. Even if your partner never leaves you but dies, how would you manage. would you know how to deal with the bills, would you know how much you are paying for what? My friends mum was like this, totally dependent on her husband (who was 13 years older than her) and when he died she couldn't even put petrol in the car. She had no idea of insurance, sorting out emails, sorting out the tv, nothing.

Some guys love being a rescuer, but a lot of the times they just get controlling. The whole thing makes me shudder.....be looked after fair enough same as you would look after a partner but never ever rely on someone to get you through life. Madness.

ALLIS0N · 19/08/2020 12:27

I suspect that the Op is a young woman or older man indulging in fantasy.

Notimeforaname · 19/08/2020 12:37

Or she could just feel like she really wants to experience that way of life. And great she has the choice.
If you don't try it you'll never know.

MistressMounthaven · 19/08/2020 12:50

I think it's laziness.

It would be like Downton Abbey - servants see to all the cleaning, bed changing, staff remember dates, arrange for dinners/dances, chauffeur keeps teh car running and you've inherited loads so no need to think about money, the housekeeper, estate manager does it all.

'Being looked after by a man' is just another way of looking at it, or another way would be being a child with parents who see to everything.

Tavannach · 19/08/2020 13:07

I suspect that the Op is a young woman or older man indulging in fantasy.

Yes, something like that.
Definitely a fantasy.

nokidshere · 19/08/2020 13:10

I'm surprised at some of the responses tbh given that there is a whole movement of submissive wives so clearly it's not just the op who feels this way.

If you were my friend or family I certainly would be pointing out the pitfalls of such a relationship but, essentially, the decision is yours to make.

PennyDreadfuI · 19/08/2020 13:23

OP, I'm currently in the situation you describe (accidentally) and I'd say be careful what you wish for.

I can't work because of my crap health. DH is wonderful - he works very hard and earns enough for us to get by (no luxuries/holidays etc) but the odd treat. He is the sole earner. Because of my health he has to do a lot of the physical stuff too, like shopping, cleaning and so on. He's absolutely wonderful and I think he quite likes taking care of me.

However. I am completely vulnerable financially. I have no income of my own, no savings, no safety net. If he were to leave me or die, I would have absolutely nothing to live on. If I had to leave, I couldn't. I never have to ask him for money but it's horrible knowing that everything I spend is 'his' money (my perception - he never says this).

Because I don't work I haven't made friends and as I have no family it means I don't have a support network of my own. If the worst were to happen I would be entirely alone. And apart from anything else, I miss work and the independence that comes with it.

So yes, it's nice in theory if that's your bag but the reality is actually often precarious, worrying and lonely.

Butterybiscuitbase12 · 19/08/2020 13:29

Thank you for the reply, it’s given me much to ponder

Tavannach · 19/08/2020 13:30

If you don't try it you'll never know

Now that's a man talking for sure.

I don't have to try handing over responsibility for my life, my decisions, my money to know it's not how I want to live.
Because Im an adult.