To like being looked after by a man?

[Ribrabrob]

I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently and I feel very guilty about it but... I like being looked after by a man. Physically, emotionally, financially. It makes me feel safe and secure. I like being the ‘damsel in distress’ and I’m happy to be rescued by a man. For example if I broke down on the motorway and a man helps me change a tyre.

I’d be happy to be a housewife and have no say in finances, not work etc. i like it when a man is stronger than me, when he is an alpha male. Not controlling, but dominant. I like that that there are differences between the genders and being seen as the fairer and, dare I say it, weaker sex.

Now, I don’t have any strange ‘daddy issues’ because I have a perfectly nice relationship with my loving and caring father, plus my parents have a healthy equal relationship so I’m not sure why I feel this way. I do wonder if it is something I should look into dealing with though - perhaps counseling? Or is that just dramatic? I guess I can’t help how I feel.

So, aibu to enjoy being looked after, taken care of etc? Am I letting other women down by feeling this way and not fighting for equality? Like I say I do feel guilty, and I do tend to keep my thoughts to myself on this matter because I feel like I’m letting myself down (except when posting a thread on Mumsnet )

@LouisBalfour Ah he can afford to take me out to dinner instead. I do a great Deliveroo too!

Some very interesting points, thank you.

Someone mentioned about it being like I’m running away from responsibility... I guess that’s kind of true. I don’t like responsibility or decision making - it scares me a lot - so I suppose having someone else to do that for me takes away the stress of it.

Some very wise posters on here with good advise re finances especially if the worst were to happen - very good points which I shall take on board.

What a lot of awful personal insults. Not sure I can take anyone's views on feminism seriously when they're insulting a sister.

Women can be brainwashed into working too hard and paying for too much y'know - marriage benefits men more than it's ever done.

I agree - there's a lot of unpleasant posts on this thread. While you might not agree with the OP's ideas she is entitled to them, and while the men you know might take advantage of a woman like this not all of them would. It's all very well to say women have worked hard to get away from this way of life, but surely women also worked hard to enable other women to have choice in their life - and if this is their choice, they are entitled to it.

@Ribrabrob

Some very interesting points, thank you.

Someone mentioned about it being like I’m running away from responsibility... I guess that’s kind of true. I don’t like responsibility or decision making - it scares me a lot - so I suppose having someone else to do that for me takes away the stress of it.

Some very wise posters on here with good advise re finances especially if the worst were to happen - very good points which I shall take on board.

You really need to find a way to do these things, you never know what is round the corner.

My partner and I both work but my partner does most of the household chores if I'm honest🤣
I do 99% of cooking/meal prep but he does everything else, laundry, dishes floors, beds, bathroom etc. We both go shopping together although he picks up any other bits during the week on his way home from work. We share all all money equally but he does all the bills and admin stuff too.
Now I see it in front of me, I really don't do a lot 😂

I guess that’s kind of true. I don’t like responsibility or decision making - it scares me a lot - so I suppose having someone else to do that for me takes away the stress of it.

Don't you want to feel you're being fair in a relationship, though? Dumping all the stress on somebody else doesn't seem very fair to me.

I actually think it’s impossible to be the kind of woman you describe, and be a housewife.

What you’re describing sounds like a woman in a Lana Del Rey Lyric; a bit on the side, a secret girlfriend.

In reality, the kind of relationship that would leave you as a housewife, requires LOADS of very hard and lonely decision making and budgeting around children and household matters. It’s really horrible to have to do that stuff alone and not complain about it because your husband doesn’t want to be bothered by trivial female matters.

Just watch mad men - Betty Draper looks like the perfect trophy wife with the alpha husband who takes care of everything. Except he doesn’t take care of her, value her, see her as a multifaceted person. They don’t share their life Meaningfully
And he inevitably has tons of affairs. I know that’s a drama, but that’s the way it often was for couples in this type of setup you’re
Describing.

Perhaps you’d like to be someone’s bit on the side. They’d have to be wealthy, so you’d get all the treats and none of the responsibility.

But obviously in reality that’s shit for different reasons. I think what you have is a fantasy that falls down in practice.

Wait... is feminism still essentially a woman’s right to choice? I mean I know it envelopes and encapsulates many more subtleties and nuances as the years go by, but essentially, at its core... it still means we get to choose right?

But in a way by becoming a man's pet the OP is no longer part of "we". She is "his".

@Butterybiscuitbase12

Wait... is feminism still essentially a woman’s right to choice? I mean I know it envelopes and encapsulates many more subtleties and nuances as the years go by, but essentially, at its core... it still means we get to choose right?

Well that all depends on your definition of feminism. I'd say it's the liberation of women from the patriarchy. Being owned, controlled and cossetted by a man doesn't sound like freedom from oppression but that's the OP's opinion.

She may not be a feminist. In which case fill your oppressed boots (actually high heels).

I’ve lined my life like this, sine my first marriage at 22. I’ve now spent almost half my life feeling worthless and I’ve got nothing to show for it or myself. Be careful what you wish for.

You’re screwed if it goes tits up.

Plus. Be careful what you wish for. Having no au in finances is not a good thing. Truly utterly no say.

So he tells you there no money for petrol for your car this week and only a tenner to feed you and 2 kids. What then?

Wait... is feminism still essentially a woman’s right to choice?

Never has been. It’s about what it always has been, women’s rights to freedom from male domination, the right to have equal value to men and for women’s issues and needs to be considered of equal value to men’s. that’s all exactly the opposite of this op. Liberalist choicey-choice politics is a load of bullshit - no one makes choices in a vacuum and many have few, men or women - although a side effect of independence is more choice.

Not saying op can’t choose this if It’s for real, if she finds some man to do so - I would not want to know either op or the man concerned. But it is not in any way whatsoever a feminist choice. Nor am I simplistic enough to think that everything a woman does is by definition good. We have the right to fuck up as much as men do too (although we usually do so less ime as we usually have more risk and responsibility).

The op doesn’t really want no choices though.

I mean. No right to say no to sex. No right to decide how budgets are going to be worked out. No right to decide how to dress. Where to do. How many children to have.

I’ve been a single parent for 10 years and had everything to worry about all by myself in that time. The idea of having someone who could look after me is very appealing at the moment!

In reality I’d probably want to stay in control of my own finances etc but would be nice to have someone take charge of DIY and gardening jobs and be the bigger earner. I suspect I’ll struggle on single handedly though.

I think it’s all moot. The op is clearly single and not in a relationship like this, and has admitted she is struggling with responsibility/adulting. It’s just a fantasy to have someone parent her.

Honestly this really isn’t about feminism, or sexual equality, she’s not saying women should be subservient, she personally saying she struggles to adult and in her fantasy wants someone to parent her, you get men like that too.

So I think thr question is more why responsibility and decision making scares the op like this, to thr extent she wishes to abdicate responsibility for her life to someone else.

Wait... is feminism still essentially a woman’s right to choice?

No. Do some reading.

Each to their own. It wouldn't suit me, I like to be in control of my own life and not financially dependent on anyone but that's what makes me feel safe. If you get that same feeling of safety by relying on a man then that's just what works for you and I hope you find what you're looking for.

If I'm being honest, I do think that your sense of 'safe' is an illusion though because it relies entirely on someone else and in my approaching 50 years on this planet the most important thing I've learned is take care of yourself because you sure as shit can't depend on others.

You'll set a fine example to your daughters- not!

Wait... is feminism still essentially a woman’s right to choice? I mean I know it envelopes and encapsulates many more subtleties and nuances as the years go by, but essentially, at its core... it still means we get to choose right?

Feminism is about equality (and freedom from oppression from the patriarchy as other pps have more eloquently explained). Choices may be opened up BUT the primary aim of equality therefore also opens them up to men too. So a chap could decide he wants to not work and be looked after just as much as a woman might. What do you think of that?

The problem with that scenario - for women but also men who might choose to place themselves in a "kept" scenario with no employment, no decision making, no financial control us that if they want to get out or change the status quo, then practically, their "choice" to do so might be very difficult to attain, particularly if the "keeper" doesn't want anything to change. In other words the "kept" scenario cuts off rather than creates choices, because the "keeper" holds nearly all the cards.

@WorraLiberty

The thing is, if you had a penis you'd be called a cock lodger.

Very true 😀

I think there are men out there who aren’t controlling who love this type of lady.

If you’re smart about it and can pre empt and prepare for what could go wrong you could live very happily.