To like being looked after by a man?

[Ribrabrob]

I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently and I feel very guilty about it but... I like being looked after by a man. Physically, emotionally, financially. It makes me feel safe and secure. I like being the ‘damsel in distress’ and I’m happy to be rescued by a man. For example if I broke down on the motorway and a man helps me change a tyre.

I’d be happy to be a housewife and have no say in finances, not work etc. i like it when a man is stronger than me, when he is an alpha male. Not controlling, but dominant. I like that that there are differences between the genders and being seen as the fairer and, dare I say it, weaker sex.

Now, I don’t have any strange ‘daddy issues’ because I have a perfectly nice relationship with my loving and caring father, plus my parents have a healthy equal relationship so I’m not sure why I feel this way. I do wonder if it is something I should look into dealing with though - perhaps counseling? Or is that just dramatic? I guess I can’t help how I feel.

So, aibu to enjoy being looked after, taken care of etc? Am I letting other women down by feeling this way and not fighting for equality? Like I say I do feel guilty, and I do tend to keep my thoughts to myself on this matter because I feel like I’m letting myself down (except when posting a thread on Mumsnet )

Why are you asking her that?shes not the first,won’t be last to have a post harvested

I love working so no. However the men I have been with I've always looked after financially like a fool. Never doing that again

You're not being unreasonable at all. I believe that this is the pattern God sets for us. We can be strong women and very independent, but when we're married, it's wonderful to have a man who feels it's his joyful responsibility to help his wife, to take care of her and to protect her
Why are the two mutually exclusive? Can men not take care of a strong, independent woman?
Is it not awkward for two people to fall in love and then for one person to become the exact opposite of all they appeared to be prior to marriage?

Surely if a man falls in love with a woman then that's the person he's fallen in love with. It would be a bit rubbish to fall in love with a strong woman only for her to become some sort of weak princess who needs looking after by her alpha male.

@BurntOrange7

You're not being unreasonable at all. I believe that this is the pattern God sets for us. We can be strong women and very independent, but when we're married, it's wonderful to have a man who feels it's his joyful responsibility to help his wife, to take care of her and to protect her.

Oh dear. Read the WHOLE Bible sometime. Plenty of independent women.

@BurntOrange7

You're not being unreasonable at all. I believe that this is the pattern God sets for us. We can be strong women and very independent, but when we're married, it's wonderful to have a man who feels it's his joyful responsibility to help his wife, to take care of her and to protect her.

I really wish my grandad had felt his joyful responsibility to protect my gran and take care of her instead of beating her up and running off with another woman.

Not unreasonable, lazy perhaps!

Well, first of all, the OP was almost certainly a journalist, but anyway, on the off-chance she / he wasn’t ..., I think just take this whole thing with a (large) pinch of salt.

If she thinks she can play at some kind of dom / sub domestic set up then good luck with that because games / gimmicks don’t work and they will both end up looking like divs.

Nevertheless, there are some couples who naturally gravitate towards certain roles and that’s fine. So in our marriage, I don’t know what this “alpha” thing actually is, but DH is a very hyper / forceful energy type and entrepreneurial and, when all is said and fine, this is his personality and you can’t change people. I’m not motivated by making money and that kind of success because I find it boring and I get more personal fulfilment from being able to spend time with the kids and all that comes with that. So he’s always worked and been “financial provider” and I’ve been at home, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have financial control because to us, it doesn’t matter who earns the money or who does what, it’s just about meeting the kids’ various needs in the least stressful way possible and giving each other the freedom to focus on what we do best. We operate on a “need to know” basis really - I don’t need to know the ins and outs of all financial decisions (though I know I could always quickly find out if I was interested) and he doesn’t need to know every detail of the schools or domestic stuff or whatever. So yes, it’s quite traditional, but it’s completely natural for us and sometimes it’s easier to just get in with what you do best and mutually support each other that way. I like the space of being able to do my thing and I think DH prefers having a clear role too, rather than juggling and potentially nit-picking each other all the time. And I respect him for what he has done for us because, quite frankly, I could not have achieved that. He respects what I bring because he wanted a family - otherwise the work would have had no purpose nor the money any meaning for him.

Most men / couples we know are very similar tbh. Very few divorces. In fact, in the case of the one divorce I can think of in recent years, he still “looked after her” because they had three kids and who would he want his children to suffer, living in a dump or why should divorce mean he wouldn’t pay for the schools, etc etc. This whole idea that men who have SAH wives are all domineering, chauvinist psychos who are bound to have an affair... well, I don’t see that at all and I know maybe 100 women in my position who haven’t worked since they had DC. The DHs are just decent, normal men who happen to be financially successful and do this is just how it pans out because no family set out to make life more stressful than it needs to be. That’s how I see it anyway.

Well, first of all, the OP was almost certainly a journalist,

That's somewhat of an affront to real journalists!

I like to be looked after I'll be honest.ive never had it before and dp is very much in charge when it comes to certain things bit I love it. He plans our journey route, and drives even though I can drive, does diy, does the garden, hes decisive, puts bins out etc

I do the cooking and the washing and a lot of the housework but we are quite happy doing what we do

HOWEVER I will never financially be submissive to him or anyone. Been there and never again. We have a joint account and our own finances. Everything is equal.

OP I can sort of see why you would like to be looked after but dont be a doormat when it comes to money

Oh dear. Read the WHOLE Bible sometime. Plenty of independent women.

Do you mean Esther and Ruth? Neither I'd say are an example of an independent woman. I'd say 'wives should speak through their husbands' makes it clear enough that the bible is not a feminist read.

I just don’t understand why any woman would make herself completely dependent on a man. What if something should happen to the marriage or god forbid the man and you have absolutely nothing outside the home to fall back on?

when we're married, it's wonderful to have a man who feels it's his joyful responsibility to help his wife, to take care of her and to protect her

Not so wonderful for the man if the wife refuses to think about serious things or support him when he is vulnerable. A woman who demands that the man should always be strong and she should always be the one taken care of hardly seems much of a helpmeet.

I’m not a journalist. My grammar is appalling for a start!

I’ve taken the opinions of this on board. Like I said above it’s important I think carefully about finances and what I would do if the worse were to happen. I know I can’t help how I feel, but I do also need to be sensible.

It's not just about finances.

blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-is-self-partnering/

@5amonSunday

Oh dear. Read the WHOLE Bible sometime. Plenty of independent women.

Do you mean Esther and Ruth? Neither I'd say are an example of an independent woman. I'd say 'wives should speak through their husbands' makes it clear enough that the bible is not a feminist read.

Yael? Judith?

I do also need to be sensible.

You also need to be a fair and decent human being, willing to pull your weight and think about your husband's needs as well as your own.

Even if the relationship works this way, children upset the balance.

You go through the exhaustion, pain and sickness of pregnancy.
You go through labour.
You wake up all night with a baby.
You do all the housework, sleep deprived and frustrated.
You carry the mental load of running a household with kids.
You do allll the monotonous housework. He does a few accomplishment tasks, and then rests afterwards.

It wouldn’t really feel like being weak and looked after anymore.

That means ceding all control over your life and in particular over your finances, to a man. That isn't being "looked after", its handing your life on a plate

Yes that is dangerous. Being unable to be financially independent from a man is a different kettle of fish.

No you dont need to see a counsellor love. This is the natural state of women. The western world has screwed us over so much that we're no longer sure of what it is to be "normal". In christianity, islam and judiasm the primary role of a man is to provide and protect to make us feel safe. It is unfortunate that we have lost our way and men have taken full advantage where they can have it all while we are stressed out. The funny thing is that they still want us to be submissive though...submissive providers 😆

This might be your ‘natural state’, but it certainly isn’t everyone’s. And if you think that male provision is the main message of the Abrahamic religions, I’d suggest reading more.

The problem is that no human being can rely on another to that extent. Not even parent and child, because the increasing expectation is that the child grows independence and moves on.

You won’t find a decent, honest, loving man who would enjoy a relationship balance like that. You will only find misogynistic, domineering, controlling and self-centred individuals. Because the ‘love’ and ‘fortune’ they shower isn’t really for you, it’s for themselves

The only relationship where this would be total and long term would be an abusive one.

What do you mean by ‘natural’? The invention of religion? That’s not natural – that’s the attempt of societal control, engineered and perpetuated by men.

Pre-historic women, all the way down the lineage of home-sapiens, hunted just as much as me, and there is no evidence to suggest gendered roles. They were a very egalitarian species.

What did create gendered roles was an unnatural imposition of rules and expectations.

Zombie thread. Strangely only from 2020, not 1950

LOL

@Sam24668 has been searching to find 5 yo threads to post cobblers on. I suppose everyone needs a hobby.