To like being looked after by a man?

[Ribrabrob]

I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently and I feel very guilty about it but... I like being looked after by a man. Physically, emotionally, financially. It makes me feel safe and secure. I like being the ‘damsel in distress’ and I’m happy to be rescued by a man. For example if I broke down on the motorway and a man helps me change a tyre.

I’d be happy to be a housewife and have no say in finances, not work etc. i like it when a man is stronger than me, when he is an alpha male. Not controlling, but dominant. I like that that there are differences between the genders and being seen as the fairer and, dare I say it, weaker sex.

Now, I don’t have any strange ‘daddy issues’ because I have a perfectly nice relationship with my loving and caring father, plus my parents have a healthy equal relationship so I’m not sure why I feel this way. I do wonder if it is something I should look into dealing with though - perhaps counseling? Or is that just dramatic? I guess I can’t help how I feel.

So, aibu to enjoy being looked after, taken care of etc? Am I letting other women down by feeling this way and not fighting for equality? Like I say I do feel guilty, and I do tend to keep my thoughts to myself on this matter because I feel like I’m letting myself down (except when posting a thread on Mumsnet )

I'm living that (rare) life with my second husband and it is wonderful - what I always wanted.

He's now the sole breadwinner - he cares for me in all ways and is never controlling with it. He's kind, gentle, loving, trustworthy; yet not a push-over. I'm still independent (seeing friends and family when I want, buying a few new clothes every month etc.) and I have an equal voice in our marriage.

It's a lovely, secure and happy place to be. But I understand that some women would feel trapped. I guess it comes down to personality too?

Just because someone is "happy" doesn't mean they are wise, and wisdom is an essential life skill

Oh if I had the choice for total happiness day to day... Id trade in my wisdom 🤣

We all want different things from relationships. It’s not wrong to feel this way - but it could be damaging to you in the long term.

Your relationship sounds more like a child/ parent, and I suppose lots of people like feeling safe and protected, and having someone else to do the worrying (men as well as women). I like to be fussed over and mothered when I am sick. I think because my parents were very kind and indulgent when we were ill as children, and it brings back those feelings of being loved and protected. But I find that type of relationship suffocating when I am well.

You need to be smart though. Be clear you can take care of yourself should something happen. Everyone should build the emotional and financial skills necessary to live alone.

You also might find it interesting to explore why you feel this way with a therapist. It usually stems from childhood.

You're either a very bored troll or Queen Victoria.

It's all very well while you are a "damsel in distress", but what happens when you mature into a "matron in distress" and there are other damsels swooning in his path?

It's a risky life unless you are steadily putting cash away in savings accounts, or get married without a pre-nup, etc. If you're living like a pet - rent free and lots of toys but no actual security - you could find yourself in genuine distress in a decade or two...

So while you're pretending to be weak and feeble, I hope you're being smart and paying into a secret unsexy pension fund.

This sort of attitude might have worked out for women at a time where divorce was very difficult and forbidden/frowned upon. A subservient wife could at least expect some degree of lifetime security if not real love. However these days where anyone could leave you at any point with few consequences? You'd be bonkers to leave yourself in such a precarious position.

My DP likes to pretend he's in charge in our relationship. I like to pretend to let him.

In reality, we're pretty equal and look after each other.

It's a lovely, secure and happy place to be. But I understand that some women would feel trapped. I guess it comes down to personality too?
Absolutely, I found it quite odd most people assumed the only type of man you could end up with would be abusive 😂
Some people are happy living differently from others, isn't that crazy?!

It’s totally your choice, there’s no right or wrong answer, I’m what people would call a martyr type, I like paying my own way, being independent, etc. Me and DP have been together 16 years, we don’t have joint finances, I don’t tell him how to spend his money and he doesn’t me, people think it’s strange because we have 2 kids and don’t mix our money. Everything for the kids is split 50/50, it’s my choice not his, he wouldn’t mind doing it the other day but he respects that I like it that way. The only thing he pays for that’s mine is my ipad contract which he got me for Christmas.

I think it's really weird to start a thread for a discussion and then not participate in the discussion.

@isabellerossignol

I think it's really weird to start a thread for a discussion and then not participate in the discussion.

Unless you're a troll, goady fucker, journalist or arse.

The OP should watch Dirty John Season 2 on Netflix & then revisit this.

It sounds like an abdication of responsibility to me, low stress because everything is taken care of for you. I'd be horribly bored and would lose respect for myself. I'm an adult with capacity I can look after myself, I don't need a man to while I iron his pants and swoon around the place, hoping he bungs me some cash to 'treat myself to something pretty'. You've been watching too many Disney films.

I don’t want a protector - I want a partner in crime !

We work on the agreement that one person supports the other when they need it . When DH got sick with stress following a traumatic incident at work , I carried us. When I was hospitalised recently ( and am still recovering ) he carried us . We can each do everything the other does - well apart from him being shit at baking and I can’t trim a hedge straight to save my life , but the important stuff , we’re equals .

Every woman should know how to change her own tyre. It's not beyond our intellectual wit or physical strength: all cars are supplied with a jack!

I can change a wheel as long as I have an extension for the spider to loosen the wheel nuts, but changing a tyre is a completely different proposition - it’s virtually impossible to get it off the rim without a machine! (I can change a tyre on a push bike, but that’s just a three-spoon job.)

OP, we all want to feel secure. But honestly it’s much easier and safer to make your own security.

I guess whatever you want in a relationship is fine as long as both partners genuinely want it to be like that and it isn't irritating either of them.

When I was a child I enjoyed being looked after

As an adult, I don't

Since age 18, I have never wished to be dependent, especially financially, on another adult, whether partner or parent

I think it's all very well until it goes tits up.

What about when your alpha male makes a few bad financial decisions and you find yourself in your 50s and destitute?

What about when his job means you have to relocate to Iraq?

What about when you find out that he's got a serious gambling problem and he's remortgaged the house several times over the years?

And so on... It's all very well and good if he also has quite a lot of money and makes good financial decisions. But a lot of women in centuries gone by ended up in the poorhouse through no fault of their own because the man they married lost their money, and they had no say in those decisions.

I think we all would like a break from adulting sometimes, but if you're going to let someone do the hard stuff for you you can't complain if it does, indeed, go tits up.

Well, I like being looked after in that my husband does all of the cooking, shopping, gardening and 95% of the housework.

But apart from that, we are equals and earn almost the same. I would never view him as the boss, nor vice versa.

What in your life has made equality in a relationship so unattractive to you?

And why do you imagine your appeal is such that a man would blithely overlook the fact that you appear to have abdicated responsibility for your own life, and find your inability to deal with normal adult life attractive? Would you like to ‘look after’ a manbaby? Why do you think a womanbaby is any more appealing to a man of average intelligence?

I wouldn't mind a foot rub right now, but I certain,y wouldn't want to be looked after by a man. It's both ways really, in an equal loving and respectful relationship. I've not had that for a long time now.

@LouisBalfour

Well, I like being looked after in that my husband does all of the cooking, shopping, gardening and 95% of the housework.

But apart from that, we are equals and earn almost the same. I would never view him as the boss, nor vice versa.

OH MY GOD Has he got a brother! Swoon!!

Vodkacranberryplease he has - and he's single and quite wealthy! I don't think he cooks though...

For me it’s really important to be independent. I’ve always worked, pulled my own weight financially, am as stubborn as hell in what I think needs to be done in life, etc.

However, in the bedroom I do like to be submissive. It’s kinda weird...but I’ve told that to DP and ex-DH. Strangely I did relate to Sex elements of that recent Normal People series. So I do like to be looked after, but bedroom only :)

YANBU, each to their own.