Am I expecting too much of DH?

[dorysealover]

DD is 6 months old.

DH is at work all day so just me and DD at home.

She's going through a developmental leap and doesn't seem to be sleeping much at the minute. Some nights she's waking every hour. DH has decided to sleep in the spare room so he can get a good nights sleep.

We've agreed that on a Saturday and Sunday he will get up with DD on a morning so that i can have a few hours sleep in, which after a week of poor sleep, I need.

DD will only nap on me during the day or in the pram if we go for a walk, she doesn't like the sling, so I feel like I'm limited to what I can do around the house.
If I didn't let DD nap on me she wouldn't nap she'd become over tired and sleep less on a night.

When DH comes home around 5pm I feel ready to hand DD over and catch a quick break.

He will spend an hour playing with her whilst I sort the dinner for us, we will eat at 6/6.30 and by 7 I do DD bath and we both go to bed at 8pm (although it can be a few hours before she will settle)

DH will stay downstairs watching tv / on his Xbox until around 11pm then he will come up to the spare room to bed.

I use time on a weekend to catch up on house work, cleaning, laundry etc, but if we plan a family day out, the house work gets put on hold and i then feel irritated that the house isn't in order.

I just sometimes don't feel like Dh is doing enough, yet I feel like I don't ever stop!!

Some nights he will offer to cook so then he misses the play time with DD.

I breastfeed so he can't really do bed time as she feeds to sleep, and I've tried feeding her first for DH to settle her but she will not settle unless I'm there.

I don't really know what else DH could do but at the minute I'm starting to feel irritated with him.🙄

Any advice?

Are you prepared to change anything in your routine, OP?

[quote dorysealover]@Sayitagainwhydontyou

but the core problem is the mummy martyrdom

Can you explain what you mean by this please? [/quote]
I already did! You're completely ignoring all of your needs (and your husband, it seems) in order to feel like you're never, ever, ever letting your baby feel a moment's discomfort. You're sacrificing yourself at the altar of "being a good mother", and it's not necessary. You also seem to be taking a fair bit of pleasure out of telling everyone how hard your life with your baby is, and how you're perfectly happy to be overwhelmed, exhausted and used as a human dummy all night because it means your baby never cries.

Of course, your husband still should be doing more round the house. But your main issue is that you've sacrificed everything about who you are in the real world and I'd wager in your marriage to spend every waking minute of the day tending to your baby, and you've convinced yourself this makes you a "good mother" rather than a woman destined for a breakdown.

@ChicCroissant

Are you prepared to change anything in your routine, OP?

With a bit of luck she’s going to change it so her lazy husband realises that he actually is part of the household too and can miraculously work the washing machine and the hoover and the bleach and voila! Problem solved.

This sounds like my 2nd baby, couldn't and wouldn't settle without me as he needed me to be fed comforted to sleep. Had broken sleep and no evenings. Day time not wanting to be put down for very long without me and for naps the baby wouldn't go in a cot, he baby might go to sleep in a swing for 20 mins but never a cot. I loved the cuddles yes but it was hard. At 6 months I too couldn't sleep train they are very young. But I decided to do it at almost 11 months because my friends child was the same way but 2.5 year old toddler still needing to be constantly rocked/fed and waking every two hours still. I didn't want that, I had to be balanced as it was exhausting and I really didn't want my partner in my toddlers room for another year. So I did the sleep training at 11 months and yes it was hard for a good few nights but it worked, and it was the right decision at that time. He was great from then on but I don't blame you for not wanting to yet and maybe never but be prepared to be possibly be in it for the long haul.

@dorysealover right I see, that is more challenging. God you must be exhausted.
What if you were to ditch the Next to me and let her sleep in your bed? Would she settle more quickly in the bed and then you could sneak out for a while once she is in a deep sleep?
My DS settles far more quickly in the bed next to me than in the Next to me crib.

@MrsKoala god that sounds awful, no, I'd have my baby attached rather than go through that. I think people expect the change too quickly, that's why I said the part about it taking 2 months from first playing in his cot to first night alone there - it was so gradual and incremental he genuinely hardly noticed any next steps. I was more upset about him being out of our room than he was!!

Playing devil's advocate, could your dh be a little down about not spending much time together in the week If you and babe go to bed at 8pm? If the baby won't settle could you maybe try coming back downstairs to spend some time together? That way you'd keep bedroom for sleeping and if not sleeping then go somewhere else and try to sleep again a bit later. I just don't think you can force a baby to sleep, may as well do something nice all together instead.

Also, slack off some of the housework - the essentials don't take that much time if there's just 3 of you - best bit of advice I had was from my midwife just before my ds was born "you're going to have to lower your house proudness standards" (not that they were ever particularly high, i'd just had a tidy up because I knew she was coming )

You have lots of positive supportive threads @dorysealover
Why not reply to the bits about dh, the sleep training is a stupid sideways point.

Some people on here are ridiculous. Martyrdom? Really?? She's just looking after a well attached baby that is obviously going through a growth spurt and tricky sleep spell. 🙄

you need to be concerned about the ones that just there in their cots as have given up crying.

We also turned to bedsharing during this period BTW.

Also, slack off some of the housework - the essentials don't take that much time if there's just 3 of you - best bit of advice I had was from my midwife just before my ds was born "you're going to have to lower your house proudness standards" (not that they were ever particularly high, i'd just had a tidy up because I knew she was coming grin)

Agree with this too. When the midwife came round pre baby she said she was concerned at how clean the house was and she hoped I didn’t think I’d keep it to that standard after the baby. She was relieved to come later to find it messier and with piles of washing because ds1 had reflux and that creates a lot of laundry. Which leads me to my next idea...

Has your baby been checked for reflux OP? Just a thought. All mine had it and found laying down painful I think. They liked being propped up on me and/or moving in the car or buggy.

Sorry but what do you do all day during the week? Why are the household stuff not being done then?

@Veryverycalmnow

I disagree with a lot of pps and understand where you're coming from with your daughter's sleep. It's partly your choices and the way you want to do things, which is perfectly valid and it's partly the kind of baby you have- they're all so different and some will just want to feed (whether that's for comfort, to get back to sleep, feel close, actually drink some milk) throughout the night. It's very normal at this age and I'm surprised by some of the pps reactions. As far as I could tell, OP was asking if she should get DH to do his share around the house and not asking for help modifying how she cares for her baby! Keep on keeping on OP. Sounds very normal. You could ask DH to help more. Definitely worth discussing more. Good luck.

@Veryverycalmnow yep! I didn't come here for sleep advice. Not really sure how it got onto that.

this sounds exactly like my STBXH! and the resentment l feel for him now is still there from when they were babies - they're 11 and 8. He still does nothing and has no bond with them. They used to go crazy if he went to get them on the odd morning he'd let me get a sleep! He worked shifts but I still work 3 days a week and had to do everything else!

@Wowwe

Sorry but what do you do all day during the week? Why are the household stuff not being done then?

From the sounds of it, OP doesn't ever really put her baby down.

What is it with people accusing the OP of martyrdom! Why are people so cruel?
I mean Jesus the OP is barely sleeping and is doing the best to keep her baby happy and settled which is bloody hard when you can't put them down.
I would never leave my baby to cry. The first one was very clingy as a baby and it was such hard work. He would go down in the evening by himself though which was a relief but would still wake regularly in the evening needing me.
The second baby was completely different. Honestly loves being put down. I can lie him down anywhere, floor, bed, sofa, you name it he will sleep there as long as he had his dummy.
If I hadn't had my first baby I wouldn't understand why the OP is finding it so hard.

I think the sleep thing has come about because if the baby napped say 2/3 hours a day solo then that would be more than enough time to do the bare essentials house wise, have plenty of "me" time and let both parties enjoy some chill time in the evening. Everyone's a winner

@Wowwe

Sorry but what do you do all day during the week? Why are the household stuff not being done then?

Possibly she is looking after a baby?

I got tons of housework done on my maternity leave with my easy laid-back baby, because that one napped for hours and would lie on a playmat just gurgling happily for ages. That did not happen at all with my hard-work baby.

Even with my easy baby, though, there was never a point where I was doing all the housework/baby stuff while DH played computer games. We both chipped in with what needed to be done, we both got downtime to relax and do other things. That does not sound like the OP's arrangement.

@Wowwe

Sorry but what do you do all day during the week? Why are the household stuff not being done then?

Look after the baby clearly. Ffs

@MrsKoala

Also, slack off some of the housework - the essentials don't take that much time if there's just 3 of you - best bit of advice I had was from my midwife just before my ds was born "you're going to have to lower your house proudness standards" (not that they were ever particularly high, i'd just had a tidy up because I knew she was coming grin)

Agree with this too. When the midwife came round pre baby she said she was concerned at how clean the house was and she hoped I didn’t think I’d keep it to that standard after the baby. She was relieved to come later to find it messier and with piles of washing because ds1 had reflux and that creates a lot of laundry. Which leads me to my next idea...

Has your baby been checked for reflux OP? Just a thought. All mine had it and found laying down painful I think. They liked being propped up on me and/or moving in the car or buggy.

I do find it incredibly hard to let the house standards slips.

I feel irritated if the house is "straight" or if there's piles of washing everywhere.

I just feel more settled if everything is tidy.

It was around the 6 month Velcro baby stage I started to be very aware I was going back to work in 4 months too, and I just wouldn't be available. Nursery weren't going to cuddle him for every nap, so I had to give him the best chance of learning to sleep without me. Whilst it has worked at home, he sleeps like a dream (mostly - he has just had 2 nights in with us, as I said, I don't leave him to cry, if he genuinely won't sleep in his room I never leave him to it, even now) he has struggled a bit a nursery and now 7 weeks in he's only just starting to get longer stretches of over an hour, so I'm glad I started when I did.

It would just free up some time op to get jobs done and to spend some quality alone time with dp.

@Wowwe

Sorry but what do you do all day during the week? Why are the household stuff not being done then?

I know! She should just lock the (Six month old) kid in an empty room and ignore the screaming because what’s much more important than a small baby is a husband’s right to do fuck all in the house he lives in.

I'm going to go against the grain here. You have one child. What are you doing all day?
If you get on top of your house it takes little time to keep on top of it. Like everyone is saying it takes minutes to put a load of washing on. Do it!
My DP is out at work all day and when he comes home he would do homework but he doesn't need to because it is done.
You really need to work on your babies sleep also, only sleeping on you and feeding to sleep at 6 months is a bit much. There's loads of guidance online to sort it.

you need to be concerned about the ones that just there in their cots as have given up crying.

It’s not a Romanian orphanage, get a grip. Sleep train, don’t sleep train, but I wish people would stop with the bollocks that either approach damages them. It doesn’t.

@supersonicginandtonic

I'm going to go against the grain here. You have one child. What are you doing all day? If you get on top of your house it takes little time to keep on top of it. Like everyone is saying it takes minutes to put a load of washing on. Do it! My DP is out at work all day and when he comes home he would do homework but he doesn't need to because it is done. You really need to work on your babies sleep also, only sleeping on you and feeding to sleep at 6 months is a bit much. There's loads of guidance online to sort it.

That’s not against the grain - you’re one of many, many posters who thinks the OP should prioritise her husband’s laziness over her small baby’s needs.

I know! She should just lock the (Six month old) kid in an empty room and ignore the screaming

Literally no one has suggested that.

Putting them in a high chair for 3 minutes with a toy while loading the dishwasher. Trying different carriers to free up her hands. Pop her on a play mat or in a play pen while folding laundry. God yeah, so damaging to a child.