Am I expecting too much of DH?

[dorysealover]

DD is 6 months old.

DH is at work all day so just me and DD at home.

She's going through a developmental leap and doesn't seem to be sleeping much at the minute. Some nights she's waking every hour. DH has decided to sleep in the spare room so he can get a good nights sleep.

We've agreed that on a Saturday and Sunday he will get up with DD on a morning so that i can have a few hours sleep in, which after a week of poor sleep, I need.

DD will only nap on me during the day or in the pram if we go for a walk, she doesn't like the sling, so I feel like I'm limited to what I can do around the house.
If I didn't let DD nap on me she wouldn't nap she'd become over tired and sleep less on a night.

When DH comes home around 5pm I feel ready to hand DD over and catch a quick break.

He will spend an hour playing with her whilst I sort the dinner for us, we will eat at 6/6.30 and by 7 I do DD bath and we both go to bed at 8pm (although it can be a few hours before she will settle)

DH will stay downstairs watching tv / on his Xbox until around 11pm then he will come up to the spare room to bed.

I use time on a weekend to catch up on house work, cleaning, laundry etc, but if we plan a family day out, the house work gets put on hold and i then feel irritated that the house isn't in order.

I just sometimes don't feel like Dh is doing enough, yet I feel like I don't ever stop!!

Some nights he will offer to cook so then he misses the play time with DD.

I breastfeed so he can't really do bed time as she feeds to sleep, and I've tried feeding her first for DH to settle her but she will not settle unless I'm there.

I don't really know what else DH could do but at the minute I'm starting to feel irritated with him.🙄

Any advice?

Also my H refused to do any sleep training with me so it is even harder if you both don’t want to do the same thing. I hired a sleep consultant who was very good and she told me 2 things which may help you. She said they are going to cry, there is no way a child used to this routine will not cry at things changing.

She also said put the kids to bed later than you would normally. So if you put them to bed at 7pm and they take 2 hours to settle then try starting them at 8.30 and spending no more than 20 mins on bedtime. The same short picture book they will recognise every night then that’s it. She said people do too many drawn out stimulating things like multiple different books etc.

Oh, put a sock in it, IsaLain. The child doesn’t scream with dad – he takes her every evening, and every weekend morning. The child won’t go to sleep with dad, and at that age it’s really normal. I’m starting to think you have attachment issues.

It doesn't sound like he's hugely lazy, he does more than some. And when a 6 month old is heavily reliant upon Mum for feeding etc, as is not all that uncommon, it does limit what dad can do to some extent.

BUT - spending 3 hours every evening watching telly and playing games does seem like a luxury in the circumstances.

When our little one's were waking up lots in the night - we BOTH went to bed early and if my partner had been up multiple times in the night then I'd be getting up early in the weekday so that she could get some relief, not just at the weekend.

Those early months and years are very very hard if the little one doesn't sleep well. Everyone has to sacrifice their time and energy to make it tolerable. It's not forever.

The thing is though even if the baby starts sleeping through 7-7 and naps like an absolute dream, it still isn't fair if the OP is spending all her downtime cleaning and cooking while her DH plays on the Xbox.

I disagree with a lot of pps and understand where you're coming from with your daughter's sleep. It's partly your choices and the way you want to do things, which is perfectly valid and it's partly the kind of baby you have- they're all so different and some will just want to feed (whether that's for comfort, to get back to sleep, feel close, actually drink some milk) throughout the night. It's very normal at this age and I'm surprised by some of the pps reactions. As far as I could tell, OP was asking if she should get DH to do his share around the house and not asking for help modifying how she cares for her baby! Keep on keeping on OP. Sounds very normal. You could ask DH to help more. Definitely worth discussing more. Good luck.

what I did didn't involve crying - if he cried I got him up again

@kyles101 so he did cry? You just picked him up when he did? That’s not the same as not crying.

@IsaLain

I'm an "attachment parent" but what you're doing isnt attachment parenting. You've gone too fa

How have I gone too far??

Wow OP I hope you are ok. What a lot of impassioned advice you have recieved!! A strong division of opinions falling on one of two sides.... I think some posters are getting very sanctimonious in their "advice".
My personal feeling is that you can only really be the mother that you instinctively are. I was rather like you.... intuitive to my baby's needs and led by baby more than instilling regimes and rules. I'm not saying I don't see the value in stricter regimes but I just didn't want to do it that way. I tried the tricks that I thought would help, some things worked, some didn't. So you do you.
Anyway, I also think that it is none of anyone's business how you raise your child, and what you asked about was whether there seems to be a fair division of labour. The answer is no, there isn't. Your DH is getting away with whatever you allow him to. Make your boundaries clear now OP because he will simply do as little as he can get away with, unless you pull him up on it. If he thinks that you're happy enough with the arrangement then he's not going to change anything. Sometimes blokes really need it spelling out to them.

It's not that she can't be with dad without crying, she can't be with dad to go to SLEEP without crying. This is totally normal for a lot of breastfed babies.

OP it does sound like he could do more on an evening if you’ve had a particularly bad day but surely if it’s just the three of you, you could be doing a good chunk of it in the day. You are the one making these choices. What do you think people with multiple kids do? It’s not practical to entertain baby constantly and let them nap on you every day. I can see how you’ve got yourself into this habit over lockdown but you need to make some changes. There has been lots of practical advice on this thread

Taking 4 hours.... 4 hours of lieing there... to get the baby to sleep. That is just not "perfectly normal". And a baby being able to nap with dad again, that is normal. Being totally unable to fall asleep on dad isnt great.

It's not ideal, and it doesnt need to be like that. But the OP is point blank refusing to stop gate keeping so they wont ever find out and baby wont learn to settle and be secure with herself or with dad until the OP can start to let go.

Jesus wept, please please don’t ignore your tiny baby’s needs just so your husband doesn’t have to put a load of washing on!

OP, my DC are all 16 plus now.

My thoughts:

My PFB was patted, rocked, etc, etc, etc to sleep. The others weren't. If they fussed, they were kissed goodnight and that was that. If they were unwell, it declared itself pretty quickly. If they weren't unwell, there was no reason at all for them to be downstairs, or for us to be upstairs. They were all in bed (asleep or not: doesn't matter) by 6PM when they were little.

I was also a SAHM when my DC were little. I tended to think that, by 6PM, I had done a 12 hour day. The DC had had very good value out of me by then. However, that was that. Mummy was not on duty after that point (unless illness, obviously).

One thing that stands out from your post, OP, is that you do all the housework as well.

My job, when the DC were small, was looking after the DC. That was a full-time job. I played with them, talked to them, read to them, fed them, did everything with and for them. In total, I spent about 8 years of my life devoted 100 percent to babies and small children. However, cleaning and tidying wasn't part of that job. If XH wanted the house to be tidy (I didn't care), he could do it.

If XH had been playing computer games when he could have been doing something more useful, though, I'd have been very cross. I didn't do stuff "for me", and I'd have been pissed off if he had done stuff "for him".

@MrsKoala yeah... I've never met a baby that never cried... it's their way of telling you somethings wrong / they don't like something / they need something... crying itself isn't a bad thing, not responding to the cry is.

But maybe cried was too strong a word, grizzled, protested, whined, I guess you're right it never had time to progress into a "cry" so, if he "protested" about being put down I never left him to protest long enough to turn into a cry, and when he woke up (crying / protesting / whining) I would go to him straight away. But to be honest, now he sleeps and naps well and is well rested he usually wakes up singing a happy little song.

I remember H walking ds1 to sleep (from 10-11pm) most nights from about 6 months old. Would your Dh do that to get the baby to sleep without you feeding?

For me martyrdom is when people believe that they must totally devote themselves to their cause eg never putting the baby down or letting them cry, being determined that no one else can do it, but also resenting that their own needs aren't being met.

I think it's quite common with first babies though as keeping them happy seems like such a necessary and overwhelming task - but with subsequent babies mostly you realise that you can cut some corners, they cry sometimes, dad can put them to bed even if that's not their first choice, and actually usually the baby is more content and settled and you are much happier.

[quote IsaLain]@nanbread

That's exactly right. A secure attachment. But this child doesnt have that. This child has an anxious attachment, which doesn't foster a confident attitude.

There is a different between secure attachments and anxious attachments. The OP is over compensating and the baby is distressed without her and cant even sleep for long periods of time without waking to ensure mum is still there. That's an anxious attachment.[/quote]
@IsaLain

This makes me incredibly sad that you think my DD is anxious.

She's such a happy baby. Really she is.

It's only when she is tried that she won't settle with her dad.
She's absolutely fine with him, she will play, laugh giggle.

We were locked down for months but when she saw her grandparents she was such a confident happy baby. Full of smiles.

Please, tell me, how, because my baby likes to settle to sleep with boob, and mummy, this means she's anxious.

If you read my post I have stated she is going through a developmental leap.
She hasn't always been such a poor sleeper, it ties in with the fact she's in a leap.
The 4 month regression was also pretty much non existent for us so I'm certain she's experiencing some sort of regression now!!

If he can spend 3 hours every night gaming or watching tv then he can spend an hour of that making himself useful surely.
You shouldn't have to choose between tidying and doing something nice for you on a wkend.
I dont agree with the whole 'men are working so deserve all the sleep' mentality. So what, women should feel exhausted and depressed because they dont get to go to work? Fuck that... however if you're breastfeeding then it's really hard.
Ugh, I remember it well. It will change op and get better but that tiredness is crushing.

@Sausagedog1

It's not that she can't be with dad without crying, she can't be with dad to go to SLEEP without crying. This is totally normal for a lot of breastfed babies.

It's not necessary though - if dads are equally involved in the baby's care then the baby forms an attachment with dad too.

I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Both feed to sleep and bedshare, 1 year old contact naps for the most part. Youngest won't entertain sleeping in his cot, day or night
I wouldn't say your parenting choices are a problem as far as I'm concerned.

My DP more than pulls his weight. While I'm putting the children to bed, he's usually washing up. We share cooking responsibility (it often falls to me, but I like the brief respite from the kids!). We both sort out laundry as and when it needs doing. We try to make sure that it's not just the fun, easy, stuff DP does with the kids. The house isn't immaculate, by any stretch of the imagination, but we work as a team. Infancy is such a hard season that you need to, really. This way, we both get downtime, and there's less resentment either way.

@dorysealover that post is absolute horse shit, it’s absolutely infuriating. Your baby is only six months old, you are doing exactly the right thing. Anyone who would attempt to diagnose ‘anxious attachment’ to a six month old baby over the Internet over a man pulling his weight in his own house is just looking for a fight, or to upset you. I promise you, it’s bullshit. Your baby is a perfectly normal breastfed baby.

@dorysealover sounds like you're not giving her a chance to settle with dad though if you always take over?
Your DH needs to step up with the childcare and housework.
No reason for him not to settle her to sleep - if you feel like you won't be able to stop yourself taking over (or he will just hand the baby straight back if she complains!) leave the house at bedtime for a few nights.

OP. Honestly, you can just not worry about any of this (I worried about all of this with PFB, obviously).

Your baby isn't anxious, or anything else. She's just a first-born. I promise that if you have another, never mind four others, you won't even be thinking about any of this.

Take a deep breath. Your baby is loved and cared for. She is fine.

Put her to bed at 6PM, forget about the housework, and do something relaxing just for you.

I agree totally @kyles101 but this is why claims like no cry sleep solution are unrealistic- some people really want sleep training with no tears. If it was that easy then everyone could do it. That’s what the sleep consultant (a very very gentle one) told me. Most babies who have co slept/been held while sleeping/fed to sleep/comfort sucked etc will find this new routine pretty intolerable and be fairly vocal about it. Mine were screaming and frantically gripping my face and hair as I tried to peel them off my body. We rarely got to laying them down and certainly never ‘lay them down while sleepy and happy’.

@Sausagedog1

Don't sleep train. You are doing just fine! One thing that stands out to me though is the taking hours to settle to sleep. Why is this? Is she laying awake? Crying? If she is laying awake she clearly isn't tired. What time is her last nap? I realise she naps on you or the buggy but at 6 months I would be making sure she is awake at the very latest 5pm but for many babies earlier (like 4pm) and then she should be tired by bedtime. If she had a bedtime of say 7pm you would get your evenings back then I would go to bed at 9.30/10 and co sleep to get a better night sleep. Oh and get your DH to do at least one chore in the evening!! You're doing amazing, don't feel like you need to stick the tele on or sleep train. You are doing just the right thing for her by meeting her needs, it is so hard with a velcro baby.

@Sausagedog1 she will fall asleep instantly in my arms. The battle is putting her down in the next to me and her then waking up and wanting to be held.