Am I expecting too much of DH?

[dorysealover]

DD is 6 months old.

DH is at work all day so just me and DD at home.

She's going through a developmental leap and doesn't seem to be sleeping much at the minute. Some nights she's waking every hour. DH has decided to sleep in the spare room so he can get a good nights sleep.

We've agreed that on a Saturday and Sunday he will get up with DD on a morning so that i can have a few hours sleep in, which after a week of poor sleep, I need.

DD will only nap on me during the day or in the pram if we go for a walk, she doesn't like the sling, so I feel like I'm limited to what I can do around the house.
If I didn't let DD nap on me she wouldn't nap she'd become over tired and sleep less on a night.

When DH comes home around 5pm I feel ready to hand DD over and catch a quick break.

He will spend an hour playing with her whilst I sort the dinner for us, we will eat at 6/6.30 and by 7 I do DD bath and we both go to bed at 8pm (although it can be a few hours before she will settle)

DH will stay downstairs watching tv / on his Xbox until around 11pm then he will come up to the spare room to bed.

I use time on a weekend to catch up on house work, cleaning, laundry etc, but if we plan a family day out, the house work gets put on hold and i then feel irritated that the house isn't in order.

I just sometimes don't feel like Dh is doing enough, yet I feel like I don't ever stop!!

Some nights he will offer to cook so then he misses the play time with DD.

I breastfeed so he can't really do bed time as she feeds to sleep, and I've tried feeding her first for DH to settle her but she will not settle unless I'm there.

I don't really know what else DH could do but at the minute I'm starting to feel irritated with him.🙄

Any advice?

@BikeTyson

I know! She should just lock the (Six month old) kid in an empty room and ignore the screaming

Literally no one has suggested that.

Putting them in a high chair for 3 minutes with a toy while loading the dishwasher. Trying different carriers to free up her hands. Pop her on a play mat or in a play pen while folding laundry. God yeah, so damaging to a child.

People are only suggesting that so her husband doesn’t have to do any housework! In the house he lives in! Why should she do that if it’s not what she wants or what the six month old baby wants?

@supersonicginandtonic

I'm going to go against the grain here. You have one child. What are you doing all day? If you get on top of your house it takes little time to keep on top of it. Like everyone is saying it takes minutes to put a load of washing on. Do it! My DP is out at work all day and when he comes home he would do homework but he doesn't need to because it is done. You really need to work on your babies sleep also, only sleeping on you and feeding to sleep at 6 months is a bit much. There's loads of guidance online to sort it.

@supersonicginandtonic

Funnily enough, I'm tending to my babies needs, all day.

I don't plonk her in front of the tv, or leave her to cry so I can wash the pots or throw some laundry in.

We play, we learn, we go out for walks.
We feed and we cuddle.

When she is tried she will nap, she will nap for a few hours. But those naps are on me, where she's comfortable.

I haven't come on here to listen to people tell me I'm a "martyr" or that my baby has anxious attachment issues, or question what I do all day!!

@Pumperthepumper he's not being lazy, he's out at work all day providing for his family.
She's the lazy one, she is being given solutions to her problems but she's doesn't want to do them. She is at home all day with ONE child.
I've got 5 children in my house, and one on the way and most is done when my partner gets home. He just loads the dishwasher, empties bins and wipes the kitchen sides. sometimes puts the toys away in the playro but all that takes minutes.
What on Earth is she doing all day?

Imagine if this was a reverse..

I work full time, my partner is a SAHD, I work long hours when I get home I take over the baby til they go up to bed, I get up early on my only days off to give my partner a lie in, but now he’s asking I do housework when I get from work but he’s doing nothing all day, is this fair?

Posters would be falling over themselves to say LTB!

[quote supersonicginandtonic]@Pumperthepumper he's not being lazy, he's out at work all day providing for his family.
She's the lazy one, she is being given solutions to her problems but she's doesn't want to do them. She is at home all day with ONE child.
I've got 5 children in my house, and one on the way and most is done when my partner gets home. He just loads the dishwasher, empties bins and wipes the kitchen sides. sometimes puts the toys away in the playro but all that takes minutes.
What on Earth is she doing all day? [/quote]
That’s a shame that you prioritise housework over the millions of things you could be doing with your children. That’s such lazy parenting. And then your partner comes home and also ignores the children in order to do even more housework? That’s sad.

@dorysealover don't be so ridiculous. Your baby does not have needs that take all day and mean you can't wash pots or throw some food in the slow cooker. 🙄
How do you think mums with more than one child manage? They don't neglect their babies because they are doing housework or sorting their other children.
If you don't want answers why on earth did you post initially?

he's not being lazy, he's out at work all day providing for his family.

Surely you know that most adults are capable of going out to work all day and still putting on a wash or doing some batch cooking in the evening?

Presumably this bloke was doing half the housework before the baby came along, and presumably he has at some point lived alone and done it all by himself. He can manage to put a load of washing on at some point during his week. He really, really can.

@Brieminewine

Imagine if this was a reverse..

I work full time, my partner is a SAHD, I work long hours when I get home I take over the baby til they go up to bed, I get up early on my only days off to give my partner a lie in, but now he’s asking I do housework when I get from work but he’s doing nothing all day, is this fair?

Posters would be falling over themselves to say LTB!

God imagine! Of course, the OP isn’t doing nothing all day, she’s prioritising her baby’s needs over housework and oh! also, men can’t breastfeed so will never know what its like to have a baby feed from you all day and oh! both parties live in the house so should be pulling their weight but apart from all those things........

@Pumperthepumper actually no. I'm on top of my housework so it takes less tome to keep on top of it. My partner does bath and bed with the little one every day. We just make sure they are living in a nice environment. What a ridiculous thing to say. No mum who manages to hoover her floors and do some washing is neglecting her children ffs
Prior to Covid we did groups everyday but unfortunately they aren't on at the minute. Some are online which the baby loves and we see friends. She's a happy little one.

@Brieminewine they'd be torn to pieces.

some of the comments on here are disgraceful. OP please ignore some of them, dont bite or allow them to wind you up - they are woefully ignorant.

you are having constant broken sleep whilst your partner sleeps in another room and gets a full night - you are already doing him a massive favour by that alone. as I said before, a full nights sleep then my 9-5 job was nothing in comparison to repeated broken nights sleep for months on end, looking after a baby who depend on you for everything all day and then doing all house stuff. the lack of sleep nearly did (and still does!) drive me insane. it made me feel low, irritable and some days I wasnt sure how I was going to get through the day with my eyes open, let alone be a perfect housewife. your partner doesnt get to stop being a parent when he gets home from work. he doesnt stop being a partner. presumably, you yourself will also be going back to work at some point too. bit presumably, you will still be doing all the night wakings. give yourself a break OP and fuck some of these posters - do what you can and tell your partner you need more.

People are only suggesting that so her husband doesn’t have to do any housework! In the house he lives in! Why should she do that if it’s not what she wants or what the six month old baby wants?

“Not what the baby wants” is a bit over dramatic. No one is advocating neglect. The emotive language is so unnecessary. How the hell does anyone think second babies or third or god forbid twins cope without being held or tended to every single second of every single day?

[quote supersonicginandtonic]@Pumperthepumper actually no. I'm on top of my housework so it takes less tome to keep on top of it. My partner does bath and bed with the little one every day. We just make sure they are living in a nice environment. What a ridiculous thing to say. No mum who manages to hoover her floors and do some washing is neglecting her children ffs
Prior to Covid we did groups everyday but unfortunately they aren't on at the minute. Some are online which the baby loves and we see friends. She's a happy little one.
[/quote]
Are you sure? Sounds like you’re being really lazy. Don’t be ridiculous - you can easily do less housework and spend more time with her and your other four children. So can your partner. So lazy. Don’t you think your child would want your attention over hoovering?

@BikeTyson

People are only suggesting that so her husband doesn’t have to do any housework! In the house he lives in! Why should she do that if it’s not what she wants or what the six month old baby wants?

“Not what the baby wants” is a bit over dramatic. No one is advocating neglect. The emotive language is so unnecessary. How the hell does anyone think second babies or third or god forbid twins cope without being held or tended to every single second of every single day?

Probably by having a partner who doesn’t just slob about the house like some ancient old dog you have to feed and clean up after.

@Pumperthepumper they're not all my children. My nephew is 15 and lives with us at the moment for personal reasons, and my other older ones are 13, 12 and 11.
So don't need much care. I do my housework when the baby sleeps in an afternoon, if we aren't out and about.

I don't plonk her in front of the tv, or leave her to cry

What about all the suggestions that have been made which don’t involve either of these things? When does your baby a chance to explore something for themselves for a minute? What do you do when you need the toilet? What if the doorbell rings? Do you think every parent who ever gets anything done during the day is plonking them in front of the tv or leaving them to cry? I don’t actually think the sleep stuff is martyrdom, you seem to be happy it works for you, but this is.

[quote supersonicginandtonic]@Pumperthepumper they're not all my children. My nephew is 15 and lives with us at the moment for personal reasons, and my other older ones are 13, 12 and 11.
So don't need much care. I do my housework when the baby sleeps in an afternoon, if we aren't out and about. [/quote]
That’s interesting that your baby sleeps in the afternoon so you can do housework then - the OP’s doesn’t, yet you still called her ‘lazy’ and ‘ridiculous’.

@Pumperthepumper but she could sort it so the baby does and so the baby sleeps at night but she is choosing not too so she cannot really Moan can she?

She doesn't put the baby down, she is giving them no chance to develop. How is the baby going to learn to sit, crawl, walk, play, entertain themselves if she is holding them all the time. They won't.

@dorysealover some of these replies are harsh and some even quite mean, it's easy to fall into this routine when it's your first baby, but it's not working for your family or your marriage, there's little steps to make things better though that doesn't mean you need to let her cry to sleep or anything, I started the day as breakfast feed get dressed 10 mins play then leave for 10 mins, stick a wash on or wash up, leave baby playing with some chew toys, put some music on or baby singing on YouTube, it's not lazy parenting unless they are watching TV all day etc, 10 mins not going to turn her into a square eyes, she will enjoy it may clap along a bit etc, then off out for a walk if she falls asleep quite quickly then head home make yourself a brew while she sleeps, while the kettle boils chuck something in the slow cooker, buy frozen chopped veg and your good to go quite quickly then, when it gets to tea time leave the lid off for an hour before and it will thicken up, if you make extras stick them in a zip bag into the freezer then you can just get it out when you want. Baby wakes up snack time, need to hover up keep her in the high chair and give her a wooden spoon and a pan she will love it, sit down with her and have a little snuggle and a story, take the bouncer or playpen into the garden and hang out the washing, lunchtime breastfeed, when she finishes put her back in the pram or cot if she wakes up just go out for a walk again, snack time again then do some dancing and let her watch you, play pen with toys or material books in and finish sorting tea or a snack in time for your husband coming home, have a snack with baby together at the table, daddy play with her you go get a bath, take your phone or a book and stay in for the hour, when dd bath time comes daddy can get in with her, once she's done he has his bath while you feed, once feeding is finished give her to your husband and you go downstairs also give him your t-shirt you've worn that day, your scent will be on the clothes and will comfort her, daddy cuddle and put her down read a little story then lights out, he could lie on his side of the bed and just lie quietly for 10 minutes then leave and come to eat tea with you downstairs, if she cries go up and shh shh and pat say night then leave again but don't pick her up unless she needs a new nappy on, at first you will need to do this a few times before she's properly asleep but stick to it, even for a week or more also maybe make babies bedtime a bit earlier try moving it 10 mins earlier each night, within a couple of weeks you and your husband will get a couple of hours together each night which if there's still things to do, do them together for 15 minutes, then sit down and relax together watch TV, play a game, have a chat etc, you both deserve down time and it sounds like he does help, regarding weekend though make sure that's shared chores, when your back at work, weekend is both of yours time off, so it needs to be done together, don't worry about looking like a show house, clean and tidy is fine.
I know you are generally asking about your husband and how much he does but I just wanted to show you that little bits at a time can really make things easier for you and your daughter, once you are back in work she needs to be OK without you for short periods of time and you also need to be OK without her too, your not just a mummy or a cleaner, your a wife, friend, colleague etc and you will find things difficult to start with but it will be worth it for you all.

She doesn't put the baby down, she is giving them no chance to develop. How is the baby going to learn to sit, crawl, walk, play, entertain themselves if she is holding them all the time.

Where on earth did you get that from? Did I miss a post?

[quote supersonicginandtonic]@Pumperthepumper but she could sort it so the baby does and so the baby sleeps at night but she is choosing not too so she cannot really Moan can she?

She doesn't put the baby down, she is giving them no chance to develop. How is the baby going to learn to sit, crawl, walk, play, entertain themselves if she is holding them all the time. They won't. [/quote]
No, you’re wrong again - she’s not choosing to do anything, she’s following her baby’s needs. That’s attachment parenting, it’s exhausting and it’s hard - and it really needs the other parent to be around to do all the other stuff (cleaning, cooking, admin). It’s for a relatively short time, but it’s hard, hard work. It’s much harder than sleep training your baby so you can hoover.

What a nonsense people on here are saying. OP is doing an amazing job by bf her baby and responding to baby needs. And as pp said it works better long term than the sort of ‘Gina ford approach’ where you put boundaries here, there, everywhere with a baby.

I guess the reason you are getting these responses is that because a certain percentage of people here are men and the rest is women who ff their babies. Going from the attached picture if you’re in uk and bf your baby at 6m you are in a tiny tiny minority so not surprised people don’t get the point of how hard it is (if bf was easy statistics wouldn’t look so grim)

[quote supersonicginandtonic]@Pumperthepumper he's not being lazy, he's out at work all day providing for his family.
She's the lazy one, she is being given solutions to her problems but she's doesn't want to do them. She is at home all day with ONE child.
I've got 5 children in my house, and one on the way and most is done when my partner gets home. He just loads the dishwasher, empties bins and wipes the kitchen sides. sometimes puts the toys away in the playro but all that takes minutes.
What on Earth is she doing all day? [/quote]
@Pumperthepumper I'll tell you what she is doing all day.

7.30am we wake up.
DD goes into her cot whilst I shower and get dressed.

8am we have breakfast. I clean the pots after.

8.30am - 10am we usually play, sensory, tummy time etc.

I then settle DD on me for a nap, she will nap around 10.30-12.30

Once DD wakes I pop her in her bouncer and take her into the kitchen with me whilst I make some lunch and eat. (Which I feel is quite necessary)

2pm every other day we do baby massage / yoga classes online.

This takes us until 2.30pm.

3pm i settle her on me for another nap.
She might nap 3-4.30pm and we then might go for a short walk to get some fresh air.

Also during that time DD has several breastfeeds. That's just a typical rough day.

Unfortunately my arms aren't long enough to reach other rooms whilst DD is asleep on me, otherwise I'd multitask and probably grab a few loads of washing or get tea cooking for when DH walks in.

That seems like the perfect routine for a healthy, breastfed six month old baby OP, sounds really lovely.

Shame your husband isn’t pulling his weight in the house, that’s really shit.

[quote supersonicginandtonic]@Pumperthepumper but she could sort it so the baby does and so the baby sleeps at night but she is choosing not too so she cannot really Moan can she?

She doesn't put the baby down, she is giving them no chance to develop. How is the baby going to learn to sit, crawl, walk, play, entertain themselves if she is holding them all the time. They won't. [/quote]
@supersonicginandtonic

My baby doesn't go down to nap. That's all.

Do you really think I never put my baby down to play? 😂😂

She sitting, rolling and developing just fine. Thanks!

Jesus.