Am I expecting too much of DH?

[dorysealover]

DD is 6 months old.

DH is at work all day so just me and DD at home.

She's going through a developmental leap and doesn't seem to be sleeping much at the minute. Some nights she's waking every hour. DH has decided to sleep in the spare room so he can get a good nights sleep.

We've agreed that on a Saturday and Sunday he will get up with DD on a morning so that i can have a few hours sleep in, which after a week of poor sleep, I need.

DD will only nap on me during the day or in the pram if we go for a walk, she doesn't like the sling, so I feel like I'm limited to what I can do around the house.
If I didn't let DD nap on me she wouldn't nap she'd become over tired and sleep less on a night.

When DH comes home around 5pm I feel ready to hand DD over and catch a quick break.

He will spend an hour playing with her whilst I sort the dinner for us, we will eat at 6/6.30 and by 7 I do DD bath and we both go to bed at 8pm (although it can be a few hours before she will settle)

DH will stay downstairs watching tv / on his Xbox until around 11pm then he will come up to the spare room to bed.

I use time on a weekend to catch up on house work, cleaning, laundry etc, but if we plan a family day out, the house work gets put on hold and i then feel irritated that the house isn't in order.

I just sometimes don't feel like Dh is doing enough, yet I feel like I don't ever stop!!

Some nights he will offer to cook so then he misses the play time with DD.

I breastfeed so he can't really do bed time as she feeds to sleep, and I've tried feeding her first for DH to settle her but she will not settle unless I'm there.

I don't really know what else DH could do but at the minute I'm starting to feel irritated with him.🙄

Any advice?

Personally I would start with getting her to nap in her own cot. You don't get any break in the day.

Darken the room - if the curtains let light in, get one of those blackout sheet which attaches with suckers to the window. Settle her down with lots of shushing noises or try the white noise/waves noise baby toys (Sleep Sheep?) I put ours near but not in the cot.

You need the napping time to recharge yourself which you can't do if she's napping on you.

Once she's used to naps in her own cot, you might find she sleeps better in her own cot at night. Possibly there's an association that sleep = Mummy, which is nice but she can't sleep on you all night like she does for naps in the day currently.

@IsaLain Yes, thanks for asking. Nothing to do with anxious attachment and everything to do with BEING A BABY. Caveat caveat not all babies etc etc.

OP, you’re doing nothing wrong, it’s OK to not want to sleep train, it’s also OK to find it knackering and think your partner could sling a wash on.

Have you got space for a cot next to your bed?

It took me an age with my youngest (who is the youngest of my 5 biological kids so I should have realised earlier) that her fidgeting while she slept meant she kept touching the side of the next to me and waking up.

Can you get a cleaner in on an Friday for a couple of hours so you can have the weekend to relax?
I do think though that if you’re reluctant to let go a bit then you will continue to struggle and it does seem you DP is doing as much as he can within the structure at the moment.

It's not about right or wrong. You can do whatever you like, but you live with the consequences.

Right now, those are having an anxious child. Thats sometimes we know about; been studied, the effects looked at. You can change the way you do things to help minimise the anxious attachment and build some boundaries, whilst allowing her to develop a secure attachment to dad or you can continue to be gate keeper and have a child who is petrified of being without you.

You’ve created a rod for your own back! Both in how you’re bringing up your daughter and how you let your DH get away without helping with housework.

Unfortunately refusing to do any sleep training you will likely end up like my best friend whose now 4 and half year old still needs her to rock him to sleep every night with a bottle of milk.

Do you have to go up to bed at 8pm? I used to sit in the living room and watch tv with my baby in my arms until he was a year old. DP and I watched lots of box sets while baby fed, played, slept in my arms. One night I laid him asleep in his cot whilst I went to the toilet and he was still asleep when I returned and that was him sleeping in his cot every night after that.

You just have to do what you can with the housework and accept your house is no longer going to be a palace for a while. And lower your standards, my carpet is constantly covered in biscuit crumbs, I clean my kitchen floor and baby will throw his lunch on it five minutes later. Until my little ones go to school, I give up on my floors!

A jumperoo was a life saver with my first, he'd happily sit in it whilst I did the dusting and tidying. In the kitchen I'd put him in his highchair and give him some serving spoons and pastry cutters to play with while I did the washing up, or a finger food. A melty stick will give you 10 minutes to empty the dishwasher.

It will get better though, baby will sleep for longer, she will go to bed on her own, she will sleep through the night. This stage does not last forever.

It’s just utter crap and staggeringly unhelpful to tell the OP she needs to sleep train in order to prevent problems when the real problem is her sodding DP sitting on the X-box when he could be putting a fucking wash on or chucking something in the slow cooker.

Yes! You can hardly tell the OP off for 'being a martyr' if you're expecting her to spend the baby's naptime doing all the housework.

What do you do while she naps? My DS was like this, only napped on me, would only sleep with me, etc. I had plenty of down time because I used nap time as my time. I’d read a book or play on my phone.

To tidy the kitchen put the baby in the high chair, then put blobs of something like yogurt or applesauce on the tray. My DS loved to smear it around and lick it off his fingers. He got to play safely while I cleaned.

If it’s taking hours to settle her at night, go to bed later. Just keep pushing it back until she settles quickly. The time babies go to sleep doesn’t matter, its the amount of sleep that’s important.

I also think you need to realize if you’re considering the time you spend with the baby as work then the same applies to your husband. If you’re cleaning on the weekend while he is looking after the baby then you’re both working. It isn’t work when you have the baby and nothing when he does.

Ok why can't he do the dishes and clean up whilst you out the baby to bed? Surely he could also spend an hour doing some housework?

Feel like it's a bit harsh saying babies sleep is redic etc. Some babies sleep really badly. Obvs op has tried to get her to sleep elsewhere. Why so harsh and judgemental? Having a baby is hard enough without a pile on.

You are “on” all the time and through the night...he should take over bath time and get her ready for bed, while you take care of you. And he can do some jobs for 1 hour in the evening -dishwasher, laundry on, clean up kitchen etc. It’s a busy time and it passes but don’t be busy on your own!

My first baby did exactly this. We had to controlled crying to get in her into her own cot at this point as she wouldn’t even be put down. I was cosleeping and on my knees with exhaustion. My husband took the lead on this as I couldn’t deal with the crying. I would feed her, put her down and then he would do all the checks. Things were much better once she was in her own room and I had an evening again. She also slept much better

Sorry but YABU, your hubby works long hours, takes over when he comes home and lets you have a lie in Saturday and Sunday!

If you don’t want to address the sleep/nap problem then you need to work on your time management. Put a wash on and clean the kitchen whilst she’s in her high chair having breakfast, sing to her whilst dusting, get a jumperoo and/or playpen I found both invaluable for keeping DD entertained while I did jobs. It’s all about balance!

My DS was exactly the same re sleep and napping only on me until around about this age. I started by letting him play in his cot whilst I tidied about in his room, then letting him play in his cot and left the room for a little while, only literally 30 seconds at first but building up all the time. He learned that his room and his cot were happy places to be.

Eventually after a week or so of that I put him down to nap in his cot. If he cried or was unhappy I'd get him back out again and carry on playing together in the living room until he'd settled and was giving tired cues again. As soon as he woke from the nap I'd go to him so he was never crying in his room. At night he still slept next to my side of the bed (in a travel cot by that stage as he was too big for the next to me) so I knew he'd get really decent night sleep.

Once day naps had extended to about 1.5 hours each I started putting him down in his cot for his night sleep at around 8 months. Not a protest and very rarely has he ever. If he does protest there is usually a reason for it so I just get him up for a bit and try again when he's giving sleep cues again. No point turning it into an ordeal.

At 6 months I think our routine looked something like (and still does when at home)

7am wake
9am nap
10:30 wake
1:30 nap
3pm wake
7pm sleep

He only has dummies in his cot - literally he hands them to me when he wants to get up - so they're a massive sleep cue for him - and he has a white noise Ewan.

I remember thinking at 6 months I'd never have any alone time ever again, but it's a amazing how quickly I saw progress once I started being consistent with something.

[quote Sayitagainwhydontyou]@dorysealover do you realise that there are loads of different methods of sleep training? Not all involve crying.[/quote]
Which ones don’t involve crying? Every single one I’ve tried does. They may say no cry, but if your baby cries the moment you put them down then how do you do it with no crying?

Op I have shocking sleepers. Dd bf to sleep, slept with my breast in her mouth and woke every 45-90 mins till she was 3. It was brutal. At nearly 4 she’s never slept longer than 8 hours. Last night she slept 1.30 am - 7am. I tried sleep training her for 3 months and nothing changed. Ds1 and ds2 also still co sleep at 7 and 5.

With my first he only slept on me but loved the jumperoo so I got some bits done then. When my second came along h watched them both in the evening while I did whatever needed doing then. at 10 H drove ds1 to sleep while I fed ds2 and then we just all went to bed together when they got back.

Similar now. Kids go to bed between 10-12 at night and we just get on with our evening and what needs doing. I’ve spent years laying in a dark room, wasting hours every night doing gradual retreat etc while in my head I was thinking about all the things I needed to do, and then they fell asleep at exactly the same bloody time anyway. I might as well have done what needed doing in those hours and left them up with H.

Routine isn’t for everyone. None of mine responded well to it.

Sounds like you've had alot of advice about your baby and sleeping etc. I've had 4 and could never stomach cry it out or getting up 8 times a night etc. So we have co slept with any child or baby that needed it. But it does make you see your husbands responsibilities in a different light, they seem to get away with perhaps having to do more chores, but less of the mental load and exhaustion that goes with being a Mum if you breastfeed and deal with the baby being comforted etc.
So I would draw up a list of what he could help with that would take the pressure off you..... Take away every other week, he cooks twice a week on a weekend but let you go and have a bath first before you have to take care of baby while he cooks. He cleans the bathrooms or the kitchen every week whenever he can fit it in. Or if you can afford it, I'd highly recommend a cleaner once a week or every 2 weeks, honestly this has saved my sanity, I'd rather save money elsewhere and spend it on a cleaner, saves so much arguing over who needs to clean what etc. Or ship out any ironing or whatever takes the load off.
It is relentless with a clingy non sleeping baby, but all of a sudden, you will have a bit more time and a bit more sleep, tell your partner to just bear with you through this tricky bit and ask him to help as much as he can, it will pass and things will fall into place but he needs to understand the sleep exhaustion can be horrific and to then have to play housekeeper on top is just a recipe for feeling down and ill feelings/resentment towards him

Oh and ffs we've got the typical mumsnet accusations of being a martyr! It's like fucking bingo. How is @dorysealover being a martyr? She's just doing what she needs to to keep the baby settled and the house ticking over.

Honestly I really wonder about how bitchy some people are in here. Actually reflect on how harsh you're being to a woman who is stressed with a 6 month old baby!

@Sayitagainwhydontyou

but the core problem is the mummy martyrdom

Can you explain what you mean by this please?

Don't sleep train. You are doing just fine!
One thing that stands out to me though is the taking hours to settle to sleep. Why is this? Is she laying awake? Crying?
If she is laying awake she clearly isn't tired. What time is her last nap?
I realise she naps on you or the buggy but at 6 months I would be making sure she is awake at the very latest 5pm but for many babies earlier (like 4pm) and then she should be tired by bedtime.
If she had a bedtime of say 7pm you would get your evenings back then I would go to bed at 9.30/10 and co sleep to get a better night sleep.
Oh and get your DH to do at least one chore in the evening!!
You're doing amazing, don't feel like you need to stick the tele on or sleep train. You are doing just the right thing for her by meeting her needs, it is so hard with a velcro baby.

@MrsKoala what I did didn't involve crying - if he cried I got him up again - I didn't think him associating bed with crying was good practice. And I didn't want to sit for hours at a time in a dark room either. Maybe I'm really lucky but fundamentally I think most babies do want to sleep, they must, it's natural, all I did was make the space to sleep comfortably available, and just gradually extended the time he spent there.

A child who cant be with dad without screaming isnt doing fine. The aim should be to form a secure attachment with both parents (if both parents are present).

@IsaLain

A child who cant be with dad without screaming isnt doing fine. The aim should be to form a secure attachment with both parents (if both parents are present).

It's a totally normal developmental phase for very young children, up to toddlers. It's irritating but it is not a sign of deep psychological problems, it's just a thing they do and will grow out of.

Sorry didn’t mean to suggest you have to sleep train! I just wrote what I had to do as I was so on my knees with exhaustion with a baby who just wouldn’t be put down or sleep without my nipple in her mouth!

Your DH absolutely should be doing more. Very unfair on you when he doesn’t have to do much with the baby and getting a full nights sleep xx

You said she doesn't like the sling - have you tried different ones? - some prefer one type to another. From 6 months my youngest seemed to prefer being on DHs back (I still wore him on my front but DH hated using a stretchy wrap but was happy with a back pack style one)

I don't know if sling libraries are going ahead at present due to covid but it can be worth trying different ones out to give you some free arms