Am I expecting too much of DH?

[dorysealover]

DD is 6 months old.

DH is at work all day so just me and DD at home.

She's going through a developmental leap and doesn't seem to be sleeping much at the minute. Some nights she's waking every hour. DH has decided to sleep in the spare room so he can get a good nights sleep.

We've agreed that on a Saturday and Sunday he will get up with DD on a morning so that i can have a few hours sleep in, which after a week of poor sleep, I need.

DD will only nap on me during the day or in the pram if we go for a walk, she doesn't like the sling, so I feel like I'm limited to what I can do around the house.
If I didn't let DD nap on me she wouldn't nap she'd become over tired and sleep less on a night.

When DH comes home around 5pm I feel ready to hand DD over and catch a quick break.

He will spend an hour playing with her whilst I sort the dinner for us, we will eat at 6/6.30 and by 7 I do DD bath and we both go to bed at 8pm (although it can be a few hours before she will settle)

DH will stay downstairs watching tv / on his Xbox until around 11pm then he will come up to the spare room to bed.

I use time on a weekend to catch up on house work, cleaning, laundry etc, but if we plan a family day out, the house work gets put on hold and i then feel irritated that the house isn't in order.

I just sometimes don't feel like Dh is doing enough, yet I feel like I don't ever stop!!

Some nights he will offer to cook so then he misses the play time with DD.

I breastfeed so he can't really do bed time as she feeds to sleep, and I've tried feeding her first for DH to settle her but she will not settle unless I'm there.

I don't really know what else DH could do but at the minute I'm starting to feel irritated with him.🙄

Any advice?

It’s mad isn’t it? Imagine being in a relationship where one of you does absolutely no housework at all, and instead plays xbox for three hours a day.

Imagine leaving your baby to scream just so your husband never has to hoover! That’s the advice here.

[quote Babyboomtastic]@Pumperthepumper

So the man can juggle childcare and housework whilst the OP gets to just do childcare?

And yes, I have both bottle fed and breastfed, and done many a contact nap, and still managed to put the hoover round sometimes.[/quote]
Yes, he’s not feeding the baby so it should be a doddle for him. Remember: he’s doing less housework than the OP as it is. Weird that seems fair to you, but people do seem to think cleaning is beneath men.

Am I the only one who thought the fact you can’t express at all a warning signal? Have you started trying a bottle of formula? Surely she’s hungry?
It’s not normal or good for a baby to wake up so much.

The friend of mine who had this now has a 2 year old unable to sleep through, waking several times a night. You have to teach your baby to sleep and self settle. That’s the problem here. You must be exhausted but take the advice on board.

The amount the OP can express has already been raised on the thread, also by people who don’t understand how breastfeeding works, but I’ll say it louder for the cheap seats in the back: EXPRESSING IS DIFFERENT FROM FEEDING AND BEING UNABLE TO EXPRESS GIVES NO CLUES AS TO YOUR MILK SUPPLY.

It’s perfectly normal for a baby to wake up that much, just as it’s normal for a baby to sleep. Normal is a wiiiiiiiiiide spectrum. There are as many different baby sleep patterns as there are stupid opinions on this thread.

@Pumperthepumper

It’s mad isn’t it? Imagine being in a relationship where one of you does absolutely no housework at all, and instead plays xbox for three hours a day.

Imagine leaving your baby to scream just so your husband never has to hoover! That’s the advice here.

Yes. He could do some clearing up while op wrestles a baby to sleep at night for hours. 8-9pm he could hang washing out, stack dishwasher Hoover. That's nothing.

His partner the op cooks dinner for them all, wrestles a baby all day and all night. He's not going to die.

Imagine leaving your baby to scream just so your husband never has to hoover! That’s the advice here. No it's not.
This baby is 6 months old not 6 days or 6 weeks. There should be no reason why she can't be left somewhere safe briefly, even the OP says she's in the cot while the OP showers. She could be in a high chair with some toys or the tv on for a few minutes, on a mat or a playpen.

The OP doesn't want to try anything to solve her sleep issues or stop the baby sleeping on her. If the baby naps on the OP I expect that means she can't nap properly either as she can't really move and will worry if she's asleep with the baby on her.

If her 6 month old wakes every hour then it's not just the mum who's tired, the baby will be too and probably explains why she's difficult and can't be put down during the day.

The Dh could do a bit more in the evenings, but that's not the main issue here, it's that the OP won't do anything that could make her and the baby less tired.

The Dh could do a bit more in the evenings, but that's not the main issue here, it's that the OP won't do anything that could make her and the baby less tired.

No it isn’t - the OP is happy with the setup. What she’s not happy with is her husband’s refusal to do any housework in his own house.

Pretending you’re telling her to ignore her instincts for her own sake is a bit sad - as the PP said above, hoovering won’t kill him.

The OP hasn’t said the baby is difficult. She’s said she can’t leave the baby in the bouncer as she arches out of it towards falling. She’s also a fast mover, I assume crawling, so playmats are out. The OP (who I assume isn’t coming back after the onslaught of orders to sleep train) has said she’ll look into a playpen, so she’s not against accepting advice or making changes, or putting the baby down.

She’s also said not that the baby always wakes hourly, but does on some nights, and “[The baby] will usually sleep 4 hours from when she settles then wakes”, which explains why OP goes to bed when she does – it is always the advice on the sleep board to go to bed when the baby does their biggest chunk of sleep.

You have to teach your baby to sleep and self settle. That’s the problem here. You must be exhausted but take the advice on board
Exactly that. OP is struggling because of the sleep deprivation. That's totally understandable but the suction is there.

It doesn't mean baby has to be left screaming but some changes need to be gradually put in place so that OP can get more sleep.

A baby that sleeps better at night is a more refreshed easier baby during the day. A more refreshed mum is one who can function during the day and do more than just surviving until the next day.

Agree with Ted, this thread is ridiculous. OP's dh gets up at 6.30 every day, works mon-fri, comes home, takes over the baby for an hour or do every night, cooks tea and let's her lie-in on a weekend. She openly admits she does nothing much apart from sitting around and holding the baby all day, getting irritated by the housework not being done to ger standards but making absolutely no effort to do anything about changing her routines and practices, but the dh is still getting in the wrong on here and accused of being lazy.....really??? I know who I think is the lazy one and it's not him.

The OP is struggling because her husband does no housework in the house he lives in. How long would you put up with that?

Also, when the OP goes back to work AND is still breastfeeding the baby - does he do the chores then? Or is it still left to her because he needs three hours of downtime on his xbox? Is it only work if it isn’t childcare?

It can feel overwhelming when you first have a little one to care with. I remember the feeling of constant tiredness and being a little overwhelmed. YANBU, but I am not sure your partner is either. Perhaps work through a really clear timetable that allows you clear breaks and downtime. Downtime is not catching up on cleaning and tidying, this should be doing something you enjoy, rather than domestics.

which explains why OP goes to bed when she does – it is always the advice on the sleep board to go to bed when the baby does their biggest chunk of sleep. except the OP isn't sleeping then as the baby won't actually go down to sleep for hours.
If the OP was willing to try anything at all so help the baby self settle at night and for naps then her life and tiredness levels would be much better.
Her husband could do a bit more in the evenings but this idea that she has to hold her baby all day at 6 months is a bit ridiculous. She could graducally get her used to not napping on her and use a playpen, not even for housework, just so she has a bit of time to herself.

why is everyone on this thread still arguing about this when the OP hasnt been back for 3 days? move on

The OP is struggling because her husband does no housework in the house he lives in. How long would you put up with that?

To be fair neither of really them do during the working week. And she admitted he helps at the weekend, unless they have something planned when neither of them do it.

And agree with a pp, egging the op on that spending your days doing baby massage and just sitting there whilst your baby sleeps on you for hours on end at six months then whinging the house work isn’t done the way you’d like it And that the husband is lazy because he’s not working a whole day then coming home and doing it for her, is a bit batshit

@Pumperthepumper are you honestly implying that when you were on maternity leave that you never lifted a finger with regards to housework during the day while your partner was at work?! I'm genuinely interested to know.

And to people saying it depends on the baby as to how much you can get done during the day -whether the baby is an 'easy' baby or not. The OP said in a further post that her DD was a very happy baby so that doesn't seem to apply here.

[quote Cotton55]@Pumperthepumper are you honestly implying that when you were on maternity leave that you never lifted a finger with regards to housework during the day while your partner was at work?! I'm genuinely interested to know.

And to people saying it depends on the baby as to how much you can get done during the day -whether the baby is an 'easy' baby or not. The OP said in a further post that her DD was a very happy baby so that doesn't seem to apply here.[/quote]
Yes! When I was on mat leave with each of my children I prioritised being with them - particularly my youngest, who was a Velcro baby (occasionally would sleep in the sling, right enough).

And guess what? My husband did the house work! This will absolutely blow your mind - he’d play with the babies, bath them and read to them while I cooked dinner (or the other way round sometimes) then - wait for it! - when they were asleep he’d hoover! Or clean the bathrooms! He’d also often (brace yourself) iron all our clothes for the next day AND cook us lunch (makes a mean lentil soup).

I honestly can’t imagine him not pulling his weight - or refusing to clean because that’s my job when I’m at home all day with the children. Is this scenario really alien to you?

8.30am - 10am we usually play, sensory, tummy time etc.

Pumper, so you just fed, played with, and sat with the kids sleeping on you and did no housework and your husband had to work full time then come home and do it all?

@Bluntness100

Pumper, so you just fed, played with, and sat with the kids sleeping on you and did no housework and your husband had to work full time then come home and do it all?

Yep! While in mat leave anyway, it was a bit different when I went back to work - but yes, babies definitely more important than hoovering in this house. Is that really strange to you?

Yes quite frankly pumper it is. I did not expect to sit and look after my baby on maternity leave and expect my husband to work full time and then come home and do all the house work. That’s a proper piss take in my view.

@Bluntness100

Yes quite frankly pumper it is. I did not expect to sit and look after my baby on maternity leave and expect my husband to work full time and then come home and do all the house work. That’s a proper piss take in my view.

That’s a shame he didn’t see the priority in childcare then. I wish he’d been more supportive to you and your children.

• use time on a weekend to catch up on house work, cleaning, laundry etc,

Do what you can in the week.
Leave the rest.
Dusting can wait.
Get lightweight cordless stick vacuum for bits
Get a cleaner few hpurs or use laundry service. Stop ironing does his own ironing.

• but if we plan a family day out, the house work -gets put on hold and i then feel irritated that the - house isn't in order.--'

That is entirely your issue.
Learn to let go and enjoy family time.

Yanbu

Don't listen to all the 'leave your baby alone in a cot get her in a routine' crap on here. She is 6 months old! Cuddle her, hold her for naps - follow your instincts not a book or 1950s advise that a lot of people on here spout.

Your DH needs to do more

That’s a shame he didn’t see the priority in childcare then. I wish he’d been more supportive to you and your children

Eh what now? 🤣