Am I expecting too much of DH?

[dorysealover]

DD is 6 months old.

DH is at work all day so just me and DD at home.

She's going through a developmental leap and doesn't seem to be sleeping much at the minute. Some nights she's waking every hour. DH has decided to sleep in the spare room so he can get a good nights sleep.

We've agreed that on a Saturday and Sunday he will get up with DD on a morning so that i can have a few hours sleep in, which after a week of poor sleep, I need.

DD will only nap on me during the day or in the pram if we go for a walk, she doesn't like the sling, so I feel like I'm limited to what I can do around the house.
If I didn't let DD nap on me she wouldn't nap she'd become over tired and sleep less on a night.

When DH comes home around 5pm I feel ready to hand DD over and catch a quick break.

He will spend an hour playing with her whilst I sort the dinner for us, we will eat at 6/6.30 and by 7 I do DD bath and we both go to bed at 8pm (although it can be a few hours before she will settle)

DH will stay downstairs watching tv / on his Xbox until around 11pm then he will come up to the spare room to bed.

I use time on a weekend to catch up on house work, cleaning, laundry etc, but if we plan a family day out, the house work gets put on hold and i then feel irritated that the house isn't in order.

I just sometimes don't feel like Dh is doing enough, yet I feel like I don't ever stop!!

Some nights he will offer to cook so then he misses the play time with DD.

I breastfeed so he can't really do bed time as she feeds to sleep, and I've tried feeding her first for DH to settle her but she will not settle unless I'm there.

I don't really know what else DH could do but at the minute I'm starting to feel irritated with him.🙄

Any advice?

@Pumperthepumper That’s a shame that you prioritise housework over the millions of things you could be doing with your children. That’s such lazy parenting. And then your partner comes home and also ignores the children in order to do even more housework? That’s sad.

But you're killing yourself saying OP's partner should be coming home and doing the housework! And come on, @supersonicginandtonic isn't saying she should prioritise the housework over doing things with her child. She's saying a certain amount of housework can be done while also looking after her child. No one is saying it's one or the other.

*It's not that she is a woman she has to do the housework, it is that she is at home and her oh is not. How much needs to be done day to day as long as you pick up afterwards.there is only her and the baby at home, if you cannot get a load of washing on in an 8 hour window, something somewhere is wrong and not working.

She’s at home with the baby - her DH is home with his xbox. That’s the bit that’s not working, he doesn’t do any housework in his own house!*
Pumped, so it's ok for him to do it after a full day's work, commute, cooking dinner but not for her?
Uh-huh...

@Todaywewilldobetter

pumper no, when it's the woman working out of the home. It isn't wifework, it's the work that needs to he done to make the home-team work. Something has to give and that can't just be the bloke who gets to go to work all day and then clean all evening whilst his wife gets to parent and snuggle their baby. There needs to be compromise. On standards, on expectations, on focus on the marriage. When I went back to work, there was none of this "oh you must clean when you get home" malarkey. We worked as a team. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Did your co-parent do housework?

Pumped, so it's ok for him to do it after a full day's work, commute, cooking dinner but not for her?
Uh-huh...

Yes. She’s at home with the baby. I don’t know why you think his job is more worthwhile than his?

*than hers

[quote Cotton55]**@Pumperthepumper That’s a shame that you prioritise housework over the millions of things you could be doing with your children. That’s such lazy parenting. And then your partner comes home and also ignores the children in order to do even more housework? That’s sad.

But you're killing yourself saying OP's partner should be coming home and doing the housework! And come on, @supersonicginandtonic isn't saying she should prioritise the housework over doing things with her child. She's saying a certain amount of housework can be done while also looking after her child. No one is saying it's one or the other.[/quote]
That post was written to reflect the language supersonic used to the OP (repeatingly calling her lazy and ridiculous for daring to suggest her husband could clean bits of the house he lives in)

If his wife is gone to bed at 8pm what else should he do? Deep clean the carpets?

@Cheeeeislifenow

If his wife is gone to bed at 8pm what else should he do? Deep clean the carpets?

It seems like most of the housework is getting left to the weekend, so probably there’s a few things that could be done in the evenings? God knows there is in my house.

Obviously don’t spend the whole evening cleaning but I think most parents are used to doing a bit of tidying/clothes sorting/cooking prep once the DC are in bed.

All this "how dare he be on the x box (of all things!) in the evening!" is ridiculous imo. And up til 11pm!!! Who cares how he relaxes after work? Would people be commenting so much if he was reading a book? And posters saying that's when he should be doing the housework is also ridiculous. It's the OP's choice to go to bed at 8pm every night. I understand she's tired but that's not going to change if she doesn't make the decision to change the sleep and napping routines of her DD. If things were different, she could also relax with her husband in the evenings. People are acting like she isn't allowed time to herself and only he is.

Taking care of a baby is exhausting. Especially if you're breastfeeding. But no one can continue on indefinitely dealing with those levels of exhaustion. If the OP is exhausted, the baby is also as she's not getting enough sleep either. So something needs to change to help everyone cope a little better.

Yes any housework that needs to be done at the weekend should be shared but it sounds like no house work is being done at all during the week except making the dinner and it's all piling up to be done at the weekend. I certainly don't believe housework is woman's work as lots of posters are giving out about. I believe if one partner is at home and the other is working elsewhere, then the person at home should be prepared to do housework -whether that's a man or a woman. As I said in a previous post, not to the level of a pristine show house if you're also looking after a baby but a general tidy up/cleaning. Obviously if you're looking after a newborn, that's different for the first while but by 6 months, I believe it's doable.

And I know OP you didn't ask for advice regarding the sleeping patterns of your DD but it all stems from that. If your DD slept better, you wouldn't be so exhausted and would feel able to get on top of things during the day so they wouldn't pile up at the weekend.

@Cheeeeislifenow

If his wife is gone to bed at 8pm what else should he do? Deep clean the carpets?

Hoover? Dust? Clean the bathroom? Sort out the recycling? Put on a load of washing that posters seem to think will take the OP minutes but her DH hours? Iron? Make his wife a lovely lunch for the next day? Clean the skirting boards? Wash the floors?

Is a man doing housework really this alien to you?

And posters saying that's when he should be doing the housework is also ridiculous.

When do you think those of us in households where both parents work do the housework? It's really not THAT much of a hellish burden to do a bit of cleaning and laundry of an evening. And I find time to play computer games as well, so I'm sure he could too.

Nothing to do with gender at all, in my opinion being at home with the children when the partner is at work requires some light cleaning, some days you get more done some days you get less done. I would not expect my partner to do it when they get home. If he makes a cup of tea, sure he puts his cup in the dishwasher or has a sandwich cleans the crumbs etc. But in my opinion if the op put the baby down for tummy time or on a play mat for a few mins there is no reason she can't stick a load of washing on.

She’s at home with the baby - her DH is home with his xbox. That’s the bit that’s not working, he doesn’t do any housework in his own house!
Maybe he's on the Xbox as OP is on MN. Maybe he would do things differently if he was the one at home and manage to have more me time than OP does.

So your partner does no housework? Honestly?

I know babies can be hard work but if you are at home all week, I am really a bit puzzled why housework is left to the weekend. Can you really not stick the washing into the machine and run the hover at all from Mon-Fri?

I think it is a pretty normal set up that the parent on maternity leave does the lion share of the household whilst the partner is at work all day. Unless there is an illness/disability it not that hard.

@dontdisturbmenow

She’s at home with the baby - her DH is home with his xbox. That’s the bit that’s not working, he doesn’t do any housework in his own house! Maybe he's on the Xbox as OP is on MN. Maybe he would do things differently if he was the one at home and manage to have more me time than OP does.

If he was the one at home breastfeeding?

maybe also try to change the bedtime routine. Going to bed at 8 trying to the the baby to sleep whilst he has 'me time' doesn't sound fair. Let him take the baby to sleep. It will be hard initially but otherwise you are not going to break that cycle. It's not a new born but 6 months old.

We both work outside of the home, but when I was a sahm I did the majority yes. I don't expect someone who has done a 12 hour shift to come home and do the hoovering if I had refused to put down my child all day...

@Cheeeeislifenow

We both work outside of the home, but when I was a sahm I did the majority yes. I don't expect someone who has done a 12 hour shift to come home and do the hoovering if I had refused to put down my child all day...

That’s really sad. It’s a shame your partner didn’t see you being with the children as a priority over housework, and do more (any?) so you could have more time with them.

Does anyone really read threads like these and think ‘ahhh, I remember when my babies were six months old! If I could go back to that time I’d definitely put them down more so my husband didn’t have to lower himself to doing housework in the house he lives in’

It's not reality that you can sit underneath a baby all day long and have things fall down around you.
That is just not realistic. What is wrong with a sling or a baby carrier? The baby might even nap in that? Or going for a walk in the park, leaving them to sleep in the pram?

Do you think I slaved for hours every day? 1 hour over the course of the full day is all that keeping a house fine should take? Are you suggesting my children sat and roared crying so I could clean the skirting? That is ridiculous. It's called balance.

@Cheeeeislifenow

Do you think I slaved for hours every day? 1 hour over the course of the full day is all that keeping a house fine should take? Are you suggesting my children sat and roared crying so I could clean the skirting? That is ridiculous. It's called balance.

No, I’m suggesting your partner could have done housework in his own house. Why are you so defensive?

It absolutely is reality that you can sit under your six month old baby - and I think most men would see that as a priority and...wait for it....do housework in their own house.

If he was the one at home breastfeeding?
Maybe he would decide that for the sake of gaining some proper sleep and therefore having more energy during the day, it might be the right time to stop.

The point is it's not his decision to make as it is.

That’s really sad. It’s a shame your partner didn’t see you being with the children as a priority over housework, and do more (any?) so you could have more time with them.

if you spread the cleaning and laundry over 5 days, it is easily done in 1h/day. How long does hovering/mopping take and it's not a daily chores? Laundry? well, you stick it into that thing call washing machine. And tumble drying/folding/hanging doesn't take a lot of time either. Doing a little bit every day when you have all day long is not really a biggie and doesn't deprive you of time with the baby.

@dontdisturbmenow

If he was the one at home breastfeeding? Maybe he would decide that for the sake of gaining some proper sleep and therefore having more energy during the day, it might be the right time to stop.

The point is it's not his decision to make as it is.

Maybe he wouldn’t - maybe he’d see meeting the needs of his six month old baby as more important. And with a bit of luck he’d be married to someone who is able to clean they house they live in.