Am I expecting too much of DH?

[dorysealover]

DD is 6 months old.

DH is at work all day so just me and DD at home.

She's going through a developmental leap and doesn't seem to be sleeping much at the minute. Some nights she's waking every hour. DH has decided to sleep in the spare room so he can get a good nights sleep.

We've agreed that on a Saturday and Sunday he will get up with DD on a morning so that i can have a few hours sleep in, which after a week of poor sleep, I need.

DD will only nap on me during the day or in the pram if we go for a walk, she doesn't like the sling, so I feel like I'm limited to what I can do around the house.
If I didn't let DD nap on me she wouldn't nap she'd become over tired and sleep less on a night.

When DH comes home around 5pm I feel ready to hand DD over and catch a quick break.

He will spend an hour playing with her whilst I sort the dinner for us, we will eat at 6/6.30 and by 7 I do DD bath and we both go to bed at 8pm (although it can be a few hours before she will settle)

DH will stay downstairs watching tv / on his Xbox until around 11pm then he will come up to the spare room to bed.

I use time on a weekend to catch up on house work, cleaning, laundry etc, but if we plan a family day out, the house work gets put on hold and i then feel irritated that the house isn't in order.

I just sometimes don't feel like Dh is doing enough, yet I feel like I don't ever stop!!

Some nights he will offer to cook so then he misses the play time with DD.

I breastfeed so he can't really do bed time as she feeds to sleep, and I've tried feeding her first for DH to settle her but she will not settle unless I'm there.

I don't really know what else DH could do but at the minute I'm starting to feel irritated with him.🙄

Any advice?

@Todaywewilldobetter

It's interesting how differently this is all viewed when it's the man at home and the woman at work.

When it’s the man breastfeeding all day, you mean?

I’ve been exactly where you are. I have a few recommendations that I wish I had taken myself. Get a cleaner, a couple of hours a week, would save a lot of that feeling of resentment. Tell you DH he either has to do bath time ever night so you can get the house sorted or if your doing bath time, he has to get the house sorted before playing his computer games. And lastly, if you want bed time to get easier, bite the bullet and stop breastfeeding to sleep. I didn’t, and it took two years to get my DS to settle without me. It’s horrible trying but seeing my friends that have done it, I wish I’d continued. I would have got my evenings back and both me and DS would have slept more in the long run.

This is more common than is comfortable, babies develop a need to be held like this and this form of attachment when the parent effectively teaches them to by their own behaviour, it then becomes a night mare to break the habit.

Op have you tried a bottle. This can make them fuller and for them to sleep longer. It seems you don’t want to change how you attach to your child and you don’t want to let the house work slip either, making life very hard for both of you. Either ride it out, for what could be another couple of years, or make some changes.

A cleaner, for the house and then a bottle, a dummy, things to persevere with, until your child gets used to them. These things don’t Harm your attachment, in fact they could be very beneficial as a happy mum is a better mum than a tired stressed one, and this situation is only going to escalate the longer it goes on.

I’d also maybe think if you have some underlying anxiety going on that is manifesting it’s self in some very rigid behaviour surrounding your child and the house.

Good luck. Parenting is a long road and often difficult.

Do you know what OP, having just read your daily routine post, the one thing that stood out to me is, how wonderful.
3 hours a day of having your beautiful baby girl sleeping on you while you can read, watch tele, listen to music, or just gaze at her while she sleeps.
She is little for such a short time. My DS is 6 months old but he has an older brother and I could never parent in this way because I have to
look after him but I do sometimes look back wistfully at the lovely days of having a PFB. I would love to just lay with him for naps and tend to his every need.

Enjoy it while you can, ease off on the housework and be kind to your husband who probably misses seeing you and is working hard and also dealing with huge changes to normal life (just like you are) and just accept that things won't be as ordered as normal at home.
As she gets a bit older things will get easier.

That does sound pretty poor, OP.

I’m a dad, and I wouldn’t dream of doing so little. He needs to step up. Sounds like he’s still trying to live his pre-dad life.

My thoughts:

• time to move baby into their own room, which is (I assume) the spare room. This will allow some adult time, and also get him to stop playing videogames until late
• work on teaching baby to self settle
• at the very least, alternate who does bath and bedtime each night
• a chat about how he’s doing in adjusting to being a dad. It’s tough

Is it possible that DD is hungry? Seems a long time since my brood were that age, and I know that things are different now, but when is it you and your DH spend time together?

I'm maybe barking up the wrong tree but I think there's probably a lot of pent up resentment between you and DH, he has gained a noise machine but lost his DW, and you have gained an exhausting bundle of demands and l o st yourself and your partner.

I think that if I were you, I would ask for help from outside. First check that your DD is getting enough to eat then then start to get DD into a routine and keep to it. You will find that she will adapt very quickly (though probably not without a fight), and then give you and your other half some quality time.

So many people on this thread see housework as wifework. Have a word with yourselves.

I’d also be super interested to know how many of you are paying a childminder, and how much time you’d expect them to spend cleaning their house while looking after your child.

Of course childminders do housework as they go along, or else after a day with 6 children the house would be an absolute shit tip with no clean plates, towels, floors covered play dough and food You can't just ignore it all and hold a baby.

Op I used to have a baby who wouldn’t sleep anywhere but me either, and nor was I willing to sleep train. Whilst many people probably thought this was a daft move, I taught her to sleep in the buggy in the house as I could rock her to sleep in it. I even used to put it next to the never-used cot. She did cry in it at first, but after a short while it would only take a few rocks and she’d be asleep, leaving me and my arms free.

The problem OP is you want it all. You want to respond to all your dd's needs, even though it's leaving you shattered. You don't want to sit and rest because it's lazy. You don't want to leave her in front of the TV because it's bad for her. You don't want a messy house. So instead, you put some blame on your oh for not doing enough when it sounds like he does do plenty.

I totally get opting for putting your baby's needs first. Some babies are just much more demanding than others (but often much easier toddlers, so it's swings about). My two were the same and it's really hard.

Sadly you just need to accept that this period is tough because you are opting to be super mum. Its not your oh's fault.

It will get easier, it really is and at some point, your life will probably be much easier than your oh's and that will be ok too.

Don't resent him for what is not his fault. This is how partners end up separating. Just hang on, do your best and try not to be perfect. My kids spent many hours in front of the TV when little. They are now both in very high level jobs and studies and have little time for screens. If it helps, then go for it!

@SandieCheeks

Of course childminders do housework as they go along, or else after a day with 6 children the house would be an absolute shit tip with no clean plates, towels, floors covered play dough and food You can't just ignore it all and hold a baby.

You pay your childminder to force your child down for a two hour nap just so she can do housework? That’s the advice the OP is getting here.

I find it shocking how so many posters still think it's the op's job to do all the housework... yes let's do all these things to stop the baby being a baby so the woman can do more housework whilst the husband plays computer games.

What year is this? Quite worrying tbh.

@TorkTorkBam

It is going to be awkward when she's twelve at a sleepover and you have to pop over to pat her back every time she wakes up in the night.

🙄

It's not that she is a woman she has to do the housework, it is that she is at home and her oh is not. How much needs to be done day to day as long as you pick up afterwards.there is only her and the baby at home, if you cannot get a load of washing on in an 8 hour window, something somewhere is wrong and not working.

FGS, what's all the housework that needs doing that is so demanding? A bit of vaccuming/sweeping, washing up dishes/loading unloading dishwasher, a wash in the machine, a quick clean of the bathroom? All this can be done in the time that is spent reading messages here.

My DH works term time only so for 13 weeks a year is the one at home caring for DC while I work. I absolutely expect him to do a few jobs during the day like put a wash on and empty the dishwasher during that time, just the same as I have to when I’m at home with them.

I don’t think the hypothetical second child people keep mentioning is relevant, since it doesn’t exist and that’s not the OP’s question – and the scenarios all assume she plans to be a SAHM (as she’s been referred to by PP – she’s not, she’s on maternity leave) and would therefore have a toddler with her while trying to treat this so-far non-existent second baby the way she is the first. But it’s perfectly possible her daughter will be at nursery or a childminder during OP’s next maternity leave, and OP’s subsequent children can nap on her all they like, but it doesn’t really matter at this point because it’s all an imagined future scenario.

Anecdatally, every child I know, including my own, took naps on their parents till well past six months, and had no trouble switching to cot naps when they got too heavy/laps became more uncomfortable than the cot. It’s simply not true that “napping on mum at six months” = “will do this forever”. Babies change the rules all the bloody time. Weird vibe on this thread that’s quite different to the Sleep boards, which are broadly more sympathetic and less gung-ho about sleep training. Six months is still really little – they’ve been outside the womb less time than they were in it! – and also a time of one of the many sleep regressions. Still a million changes and developments to come.

It also helps if you read the whole thread – OP can’t express, so expressing for a bottle won’t help. And from personal experience, expressing is just as knackering as simply breastfeeding, you’re just swapping one feed for a different one, so you don’t really get a rest.

I do think you’ll have to drop your standards, OP – and I’m with you, I like my house neat as a pin, but soon your baby will be on the move, then running around hollering with a banana in one hand and a crayon in the other, and all the Homes & Gardens fantasies will be in tatters along with your sofa covers

@Cheeeeislifenow

It's not that she is a woman she has to do the housework, it is that she is at home and her oh is not. How much needs to be done day to day as long as you pick up afterwards.there is only her and the baby at home, if you cannot get a load of washing on in an 8 hour window, something somewhere is wrong and not working.

She’s at home with the baby - her DH is home with his xbox. That’s the bit that’s not working, he doesn’t do any housework in his own house!

@IsaLain

You need to do sleep training. All this "I dont want her to feel like I'm not there for her" is just nonsense.

Do you want an independent child? Or do you want the child who screams and cries all day at nursery and bubbles at the school gate when you leave her?
Teaching resilience and independence starts young. Teaching children to self soothe is a vital skill. Wrapping a kid in cotton wool like this results in the kid being the baby of the year group.

She needs to learn to sleep. You need to learn to let go.

You will be there for her; she will know that. But she can also learn how to be comfortable in herself.

With respect, what a load of tripe.

My kids were awful sleepers and needed a lot of 'me'.

They were, and are, extremely independent.

Weird vibe on this thread that’s quite different to the Sleep boards, which are broadly more sympathetic and less gung-ho about sleep training

This is so true. Although I think “less gung-ho” is a massive understatement, sleep training is akin to genocide on some threads over there. I think it’s probably because there are some mums of older DC on this thread compared to the Sleep boards where it tends to be people currently in the thick of it. Trends have changed over time.

@Pumperthepumper nap time or put the baby down and get stuff done. When do you think childminders manage to do activities, help other children, wash up, cook tea? No one pays a childminder to hold their baby all day so bit of an odd comparison - a childminder is even more likely to get the baby in a good routine and napping well.

@TheLittleFriend

Op I used to have a baby who wouldn’t sleep anywhere but me either, and nor was I willing to sleep train. Whilst many people probably thought this was a daft move, I taught her to sleep in the buggy in the house as I could rock her to sleep in it. I even used to put it next to the never-used cot. She did cry in it at first, but after a short while it would only take a few rocks and she’d be asleep, leaving me and my arms free.

“I wasn’t willing to sleep train”... “I trained her to sleep in the buggy” 🤣🤣🤣

pumper no, when it's the woman working out of the home. It isn't wifework, it's the work that needs to he done to make the home-team work.
Something has to give and that can't just be the bloke who gets to go to work all day and then clean all evening whilst his wife gets to parent and snuggle their baby.
There needs to be compromise. On standards, on expectations, on focus on the marriage.
When I went back to work, there was none of this "oh you must clean when you get home" malarkey. We worked as a team. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If the op is going back to work and the child is already six months old, then it’s even more important the op starts to train her child to sleep indepenedantly of her, or this will seem like the honey moon period in comparison to what’s to come.