Am I expecting too much of DH?

[dorysealover]

DD is 6 months old.

DH is at work all day so just me and DD at home.

She's going through a developmental leap and doesn't seem to be sleeping much at the minute. Some nights she's waking every hour. DH has decided to sleep in the spare room so he can get a good nights sleep.

We've agreed that on a Saturday and Sunday he will get up with DD on a morning so that i can have a few hours sleep in, which after a week of poor sleep, I need.

DD will only nap on me during the day or in the pram if we go for a walk, she doesn't like the sling, so I feel like I'm limited to what I can do around the house.
If I didn't let DD nap on me she wouldn't nap she'd become over tired and sleep less on a night.

When DH comes home around 5pm I feel ready to hand DD over and catch a quick break.

He will spend an hour playing with her whilst I sort the dinner for us, we will eat at 6/6.30 and by 7 I do DD bath and we both go to bed at 8pm (although it can be a few hours before she will settle)

DH will stay downstairs watching tv / on his Xbox until around 11pm then he will come up to the spare room to bed.

I use time on a weekend to catch up on house work, cleaning, laundry etc, but if we plan a family day out, the house work gets put on hold and i then feel irritated that the house isn't in order.

I just sometimes don't feel like Dh is doing enough, yet I feel like I don't ever stop!!

Some nights he will offer to cook so then he misses the play time with DD.

I breastfeed so he can't really do bed time as she feeds to sleep, and I've tried feeding her first for DH to settle her but she will not settle unless I'm there.

I don't really know what else DH could do but at the minute I'm starting to feel irritated with him.🙄

Any advice?

A cleaner? Why on earth would you do that ahead of DH just doing some housework? Even if, god forbid, he misses out on some xbox time.

1stly he IS pulling his weight: you're irritated because you're tired not because he's not helping.

Could he do a bit more? In theory he could have a tidy up and do a few loads of washing in the evening instead of sitting on his x box for 3hrs but he works full time, cooks and spends family time and you still think that's not enough, really?

You also need to stop fixating on the housework as no one should be visiting anyway and it really doesn't matter so just scale it back.

The bottom line: this is what being a mother is and breastfeeding makes it harder as your OH can't really help with that unless you express.

I'm sorry but as a working mother of 6 I find it really hard to be sympathetic.

You're a SAHM of 1, your life really isn't that hard and your DH is working all day. If I was your DH and you started whining about how I wasn't pulling my weight I would be seriously pissed off.

You ARE in a partnership but you're not asking him to do his share, you're asking him to do more than his share so you can scale back your own and that's unreasonable.

Hi there,

I haven't read all the comments/suggestions but do you have a sling/baby carrier? If so, your baby can sleep on you and you can get on with some of the jobs that you want to do. I totally get your parenting style and struggles you are going through at the mo but I would absolutely not want to sit down for 2 hours with my baby asleep on me and not be able to do stuff!

OP, I've now read all the responses since I last posted, and a couple of things stand out.

1. Part of the problem is that you are very keen for the housework to be done, and you would like DH to do more. However, you perhaps need to bear in mind that not everyone is that bothered about the house being tidy. My idea of Hell would be living with a tidy person - and it would have been even more so when the DC were small. So however much it matters to you, that's just your own personal choice.

1. You have rejected a lot of potentially useful comment (which are not mean - you can ignore mean ones). This is absolutely fine, not least as it shows that you do have a quite strong idea of what works for you and your baby. But if that's the case, you might need to accept that your way comes with some down-sides as well (as does everyone's way: there's no 'right' way to look after a baby).

1. You quite breezily say that "I'm sure we'd figure it out for a second". However, it might be worth putting a little bit of thought into what this might mean. If you did have a second, your first would probably be (blasted Covid permitting) going to toddler groups etc. You might well be spending time with other mothers with children the same ages as yours (the best times I spent when mine were little was either in my kitchen or in other mums' kitchens). A second (never mind a third, fourth or fifth) is likely to just have to fit in. If you would expect a second or subsequent child to fit in, couldn't your first do a little bit more 'fitting in'?

It sounds as if your DH is pulling his weight, in so far as he can when he can't breastfeed. You really can't expect him to conform one hundred per cent to what you need, when your needs could be slightly less acute if you made a few changes to your own mindset.

As the parent who worked out of the home once DS2 was 7 months (ish) but stayed at home with DS1, I can see both sides. But there's no way I would have been delighted to do all the housework after a full days work and cooking dinner whilst my husband went to bed at 8pm every night. I did my bit but we had to compromise and DH did the daily tidying with 2 under 3 at home! Weekends, you make a choice. Don't completely neglect your marriage for the sake of housework.

Your situation sounds very like mine was (a looong time ago-my youngest is 16 now). My eldest was slightly premature and although she just about avoided an incubator she was quite clingy from the word go and we found ourselves in a cycle where she would only sleep on me and would feed to sleep. She'd sleep in the pram but would wake instantly when we got home. She also only fed for short bursts and then fell asleep before waking an hour later and wanting more. So until she was 6 months, she was feeding hourly, dozing off practically every time, waking the second I tried to put her down and then wanting to feed again because she'd not had enough in the first place. This went on day and night and I was exhausted. I too said she was a happy baby but the truth was that she was only happy when she was with me, I could hardly leave her for a second. I'd put her on her playmat/in her bouncer etc and got short bursts of time when I could do bits and pieces but it was pretty short lived.

The difference between you and me was that I hated it. I wanted to be able to leave her to watch me while I got on with things. I wanted to put her down to sleep during the day so I could do the housework and in the evenings so I could have some me time and some time with my DH but she screamed every time. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I would have done things rather differently if I'd had my time over. The truth is she was 3 before she fully slept through at night- and by that point I also had an 18 month old and a newborn.

Of course they all get the hang of it in the end and DD is nearly 20 now. But I'm concerned that your belief that you're doing the exactly right thing for your DD means you are doing a few things that are making your life and that of your DH really tough right now. And those things need tweaking a little to give you more time in the day to feel better about the housework and more time with DH.

Look at what you're truly happy with and what you'd like to change. Then talk it through with DH and work together to slowly move DD to a position where she becomes a little more independent, so you can do a bit of housework instead of exclusively playing with her, or wean her off the feed to sleep need she has, even if that means trying a dummy in the short term while stroking her back etc. (Another thing I refused to use- and then turned myself into a human version).

I think if you make some changes you'll realise that you don't actually need DH to do more than he is doing and you should be able to free yourselves as a couple- something I promise you you do still need.

@33goingon64

Not read the whole thread but when we had our first DC, I would go up to bed on my own for a few hours sleep at about 9pm while DH stayed up with baby, then around midnight DH would bring him to me for a feed and he would then go to spare room to have an unbroken night so he could function at work. In the time he was downstairs with baby he would wash up and sort laundry. Worked for us.

This is what we did too till ds1 was about 10 months old then we moved to h walking him to sleep in the buggy while I either went to bed or tidied up.

Op are you napping when the baby naps? That’s what I did when I only had one. Sod housework. I’d been up half the night that time was owed back to me for sleep. There is no way h would have expected me to prioritise any housework over sleep. I also used a slow cooker a lot because I could chop and put stuff in while I did lunch as I was always too exhausted by 6pm and h didn’t get in from work till 8ish anyway (if he wasn’t away).

OP, it’s perfectly normal to feel a bit resentful of your DH when you are literally spending all day looking after your DC.

My DH helps with bath time and the evening washing up. Anything else I’d rather do myself to be honest as I am a bit of a neat freak. Your DH seems to be pulling his weight but I would suggest you speak to him about helping out with the chores at the weekends.

I also nurse to sleep and it would break my heart to let my DC cry it out regardless of what anybody else’ opinion is. What works for some does not necessarily work for others. Your DC will eventually grow out of this dependency phase. I nurse my DC to sleep and tiptoe out of the room when she is finally out. Try some white noise to drown out any other background noise and see if you can sneak out when she is in deep sleep. You can get a Y dome camera so you can keep an eye on her on your mobile phone when you are not in the same room.

I would also suggest getting her into a bouncer or a swing with some colourful toys (Freddie the firefly really catches babies attention) and place it in whatever room you are in so you can get on with cooking/housework. Even if she arches her back, she won’t fall off. You can get then get your hour in the evening to yourself.

Have you considered weaning at this stage? A full tummy and a cool bedtime bath might help your DC sleep for longer stretches.

My DC is almost 6 months old too and for the past three weeks, she has been sleeping through the night.

Hang in there OP. It will get better. You are her mummy and you would know what works best for the both of you.

I currently co-sleep. This frowned upon but hey ho, I would have turned into a zombie if it wasn’t for co-sleeping.

I should also mention that I’ve read somewhere that TV watching at this age has some serious negative effect on babies’ development.

Those developmental leaps can be hair pulling! DH can definitely do more YANBU. As other suggest him doing bath time is a start. Still trying to settle her overnight even if just once particularly at the weekend. I love the book no cry sleep solution by Elizabeth pantley to try help stretch the length of sleep she has. Does your DD have eczema?

Hard to tell - all children are different.

DH worked and I slept with the DTs for 6 months so he wouldn't be tired. But I bottle fed and although I know breast is best etc it's not always possible - and actually bottle feeding makes life soooo much simpler that I was glad I couldn't feed them. They fed together, every four hours, and we had good routines. DH did just do the fun stuff tbh, but it worked for us.

They slept through from pretty early, so I went back to our bedroom. Again - BF on demand can be a lot more challenging on that front - you don't know how much they've had so you're always worried about them being hungry.

If you BF I think partners need to be far more hands on. And of course some babies are far easier than others. There's no right or wrong, but if you don't feel your OH is pulling his weight then he probably isn't!

A PP suggested a calendar of working time. I don't think that would work - you need a calendar of free time - perhaps that would make him realise the disparity? Good luck!

Can you suggest booking a cleaner once or twice a week to relieve the both of you of chores - phrase it as ‘if you’re not too tired to help with these are you able to pay to outsource as
this plus being a full time mummy is exhausting and starting to overwhelm me’. This is expensive but if he’s not willing to chip in more physically he should be open to spending some money. Failing that a list of chores and free time that you divvy out to each other. You both get x amount of time to yourself and choose who does which chores- this prevents arguments during the week of who does what and when as it’s planned. Have you left baby with him for a day before? He may not realise how absolutely exhausting it can be emotionally and physically for a new mummy. If you get to the stage where you’re super exhausted and you can’t pump maybe you can mix feed with formula to relieve yourself. You need to look after yourself too. The first six months are tough adjusting to baby plus working out the new dynamics of your relationship but it does get easier XX

Oh - and agree with the PP who said a dummy! I was so anti the idea but the nurses in the NICU (DTs were a bit early) said with twins you have to feed them together or you will have no life. DS was bigger and hungrier than DD but they came out trained up on 4 hourly feeds and I stuck to that, the dummy kept DS happy until next feed time.

We got rid as soon as possible, but it certainly helped when we needed it!

I didn't come here for sleep advice. Not really sure how it got onto that

Because those of us who have been through this can see instantly that it's where the problem actually lies. Imagine if those naps were not on you but in a cot or pram. There wouldn't be this issue would there? The jobs you want your DH to.do.would be done by you during those hours so the issue is a direct result of your child not being able.to sleep without you. Waking every hour is not normal. If it's making you exhausted it's making her exhausted. As a pp said if you've decided you are ok with that and it isn't affecting DH negatively then go with it but expect jobs in your house not to be done.

This isn't about sleep training, there are much gentler ways to address this problem. I never ever sleep trained any of my three and I breast fed all of them to sleep until they were over 1 so please.
dont think this is a black and white attachment parenting Vs cry it out situation. Your situation is extreme. The sleep situation you describe is one that would normally be associated with a child of 6 weeks not 6 months. Those of us suggesting you address her sleeping are doing it (mainly) in a supportive way because we've been there and we know how tough it is.

Mine would not take a dummy I didn't want my first to. By baby 3 I was desperate for the respite. But no, no dummy. If a child had made it to 6 months without taking one then I doubt it's the solution here.

"DH will stay downstairs watching tv / on his Xbox until around 11pm"

Here is your DH's daily window to catch up on laundry, folding, sweeping, tidying, batch cooking. He is a father now, tell him to bin off his Xbox for a while. You and your daughter need cherishing!

@Feelingconfused2020

I didn't come here for sleep advice. Not really sure how it got onto that

Because those of us who have been through this can see instantly that it's where the problem actually lies. Imagine if those naps were not on you but in a cot or pram. There wouldn't be this issue would there? The jobs you want your DH to.do.would be done by you during those hours so the issue is a direct result of your child not being able.to sleep without you. Waking every hour is not normal. If it's making you exhausted it's making her exhausted. As a pp said if you've decided you are ok with that and it isn't affecting DH negatively then go with it but expect jobs in your house not to be done.

This isn't about sleep training, there are much gentler ways to address this problem. I never ever sleep trained any of my three and I breast fed all of them to sleep until they were over 1 so please.
dont think this is a black and white attachment parenting Vs cry it out situation. Your situation is extreme. The sleep situation you describe is one that would normally be associated with a child of 6 weeks not 6 months. Those of us suggesting you address her sleeping are doing it (mainly) in a supportive way because we've been there and we know how tough it is.

Sorry yes you are right about the dummy - we used it for the first few weeks and it was gone by 6 months or thereabouts.

I am a single parent to two gorgeous dd’s. I did it all, still do, whilst trying to keep my job. It almost killed me, but I’m still here & I’ve learnt a lot along the way.
8pm is too early if she’s not sleeping properly.... watch tv with your DH downstairs with DD next to you, or even sit her with you. Enjoy the moment. Ask him to bath her every other night.
I think a lot of men are useless fathers, but if I had a partner out working so I could stay at home with my child/ren, I’d be the happiest mummy alive!

Just re read some posts. Could she be napping a little bit late in the afternoon. I found I needed my children to be up by 2.30 if I wanted them to sleep at night.

Could you try a different daytime schedule to try and get her going down a little earlier and give you an hour or so with your DH?

but if I had a partner out working so I could stay at home with my child/ren, I’d be the happiest mummy alive

I suspect the OP is on maternity leave and therefore SHE has been working so that she can stay home with her baby. Please don't suggest she should be grateful simply because he goes to work and earns some money. That's the bare minimum surely?

It's interesting how differently this is all viewed when it's the man at home and the woman at work.

YABU
He's at work all day and then spends an hour with DD before you both go to bed at 8 and then you have a lie in a weekends.....You are home all day. Loading the washing and hanging it out takes 10 minutes. A room per day flicking the duster and hoover over 30 mins or so.

This!
How can he be not pulling his weight when he's out at work all day, then doing bath and playtime? Sorry but you're insisting your dd has to nap on you and you nurse her to sleep, you're making things hard for yourself.
Its probably deemed unpopular on here now, but I used to lay, or sit as he got a bit older, ds in a playpen whilst I got a few jobs done....I'd put his playmat in and colourful soft toys and he was totally safe. Could you do this?

Just read back and seen other posters recommending using a playpen....hurrah! Not unpopular then 👍😊

My daughter was exactly like this and slept on me and woke hourly at this age. At 8 months we did sleep training because I was on my knees and the continual lack of sleep was making me anxious. It was only difficult for 5 days and then she went from sleeping all night with a 10 pm feed. There were still occasional bad nights but overall it was better.

I think no matter what happens later on in the night it’s was really important to have one on one time with my husband to reconnect after the babies went to bed. Most of the time we just slumped on the couch watching bad t.v and chatted but it was so needed.

Also agree with the playpen, the jumperoo and the cleaner if possible. Don’t make life harder for yourself than it needs to be!

nogoodsolution excellent post.