Am I expecting too much of DH?

[dorysealover]

DD is 6 months old.

DH is at work all day so just me and DD at home.

She's going through a developmental leap and doesn't seem to be sleeping much at the minute. Some nights she's waking every hour. DH has decided to sleep in the spare room so he can get a good nights sleep.

We've agreed that on a Saturday and Sunday he will get up with DD on a morning so that i can have a few hours sleep in, which after a week of poor sleep, I need.

DD will only nap on me during the day or in the pram if we go for a walk, she doesn't like the sling, so I feel like I'm limited to what I can do around the house.
If I didn't let DD nap on me she wouldn't nap she'd become over tired and sleep less on a night.

When DH comes home around 5pm I feel ready to hand DD over and catch a quick break.

He will spend an hour playing with her whilst I sort the dinner for us, we will eat at 6/6.30 and by 7 I do DD bath and we both go to bed at 8pm (although it can be a few hours before she will settle)

DH will stay downstairs watching tv / on his Xbox until around 11pm then he will come up to the spare room to bed.

I use time on a weekend to catch up on house work, cleaning, laundry etc, but if we plan a family day out, the house work gets put on hold and i then feel irritated that the house isn't in order.

I just sometimes don't feel like Dh is doing enough, yet I feel like I don't ever stop!!

Some nights he will offer to cook so then he misses the play time with DD.

I breastfeed so he can't really do bed time as she feeds to sleep, and I've tried feeding her first for DH to settle her but she will not settle unless I'm there.

I don't really know what else DH could do but at the minute I'm starting to feel irritated with him.🙄

Any advice?

I suspect that the root of your frustrations are not your DH lack of contribution to the housework but more that you don’t appear to have any time when you’re not either caring for DD or doing housework.
I know you didn’t post for advice about managing your DD however you have made a rod for your own back and what you are doing with her is more for your own comfort than hers. At 6 months she’s old enough to be left safely secured unattended e.g. watching CBBC for short periods whilst you put a wash on/ mop the floor/hoover the lounge etc. She is also at an age where she needs to learn independence & if she is dependent on you 100% of the time at this age you are setting yourself up for a huge problem in the future (e.g.difficulty potty training, separation anxiety etc).
At 6 months there is no way she should be comfort suckling this seems more like you feel it’s comforting for you as well. You need to apply some tough love it will be very hard for ALL of you for a few days but will be worth it & you will all be able to enjoy more family time. She also may not be sleeping because she is too big for the “sleep by me” cot making her too hot so needs to move into a proper cot. Again this will not be easy for any of you to start with but she is more than old enough to make the move.
None of this is criticism of you but support to help you regain your life. It doesn’t detract from the quality of the time with your DD and will enable your DH to increase his contribution in her care as well as housework. A few tough days/weeks for you all will be well worth it. Your health visitor can help you with your DDs routine.

I haven't read all the posts so sorry if I am repeating anything that has been said, I breastfeed both my children my husband can of was the same but would you think about part breastfeeding part formula milk - that gives you a break and husband learning to settle baby without you - she smells and wants your milk thats why its not working ? And gets child then used to next stage after breast feeding, plus he would be able to feed more with them and they may settle more to - I found my son wasnt getting enough of my milk - he was much better and settled with a fuller tummy of bottled milk. It will take perseverance ? You would maybe need to go out of room if you know what i mean - i also did a bit of controlled crying with guidance from health visitor that worked really well my daughter did same as what is happening to you wouldnt settle - after a few days of that she was great, got her into a routine she used to fall asleep on her own after being fed.

Sorry i have gone on xx

You’re doing fine op. Just ask your OH to do a bit of housework in the evening when you’re settling your DD. It won’t be long and she’ll be dropping some naps and able to do more by herself so you can get a bit of housework done while she’s playing by herself. Make the most of the cuddles while you can get them. I cuddled my first DS to sleep all the time until his brother came along when he was a year old and then I had to sleep train him. It was very hard work but he’s nearly 2 now and has one nap a day in his cot perfectly fine and sleeps through the night mostly. All you need is for your OH to do a bit of housework of an evening and it’ll be fine. Even if he can clear up after tea and put the dishwasher and a load of washing on, that would help you massively and take him no time at all. Keep doing what you think is right. Other people can parent their children how they want and you should do whatever feels right to you.

He could do a lot more. My DS is now 15mo but like you I breastfed and was up hourly at that age. My DH worked a long day, left at 7.30 and back 7.30/8. Things he did:

• got up at 5am and went in with our DS and gave me 2 hours sleep solid (The baby often slept anyway)
• got me coffee before he left as he makes himself.one to go
• put a load of washing on over night and hung it out in the morning
• batch cooked at the weekends so we had some quick dinners if needed
• gave me time to myself at the weekends
• prepped dinner of it was taking time to settle DS
• tidied up if I hadn't got to it when he got home

He is great, but he is just doing what partners should. His equal share. It isn't as simple as 'they work so you do baby and house'. Babies, especially when they don't sleep, are 24/7 and so working partners have to expect to help as well as work. You cannot be 24/7. You must be physically and emotionally shattered. He has time to himself every evening and a good night's sleep - you from what I read only have time away from baby to do chores. This is not time off! A few hours at the weekend does not redress the balance.

YADNBU!

You do need to pick between days out and spending the weekend cleaning. We all do unless we have a cleaner or we do it as we go along. It's family life with kids. It's compromise. If you can't compromise on her naps or on a few mins in front of the TV, you don't have a lot of options!

I can’t help with all of it but wanted to offer some empathy!! If you can somehow get the daytime naps sorted you will have a bit more time to yourself, and this will give you time to catch up or simply rest. I do feel your pain as my eldest refused to nap in his cot till he was over one, and I just went with it as I really wanted him to have that nap! In hindsight I really wish I’d tackled it sooner! When my mum came to visit when he was about 1 (I live abroad) she was like ‘wtf are you doing woman?! Make him sleep in his cot!’

So, like you, I never really had time to myself! It’s def worth having a look at some sleep training plans online and find one that you are comfortable with (there are loads that don’t involve crying it out if that’s not your thing!). It’s tough at the start but they really pay off! Or even find a sleep consultant. I’ve not gone down this route but know many that have, and they can help you remotely. The developmental leaps are a bugger for sleep when they hit!

At six months if she's not sleeping it could be hunger. Try giving more solids and go up a nappy size. Only have one nap time so she goes to bed. Put her to bed later so your DH can help with bathtime.

Try and find Just Chill Mama on Instagram and You Tube. She's a child sleep consultant and has a wealth of free advice on all sorts of sleep issues but is very firmly on the side of mums and says that the only time sleep habits are a problem is when you decide they are. If feeding or cuddling to sleep work for you then great, it doesn't matter what your mum, or your mate, or Jean next door thinks about it and what you should be doing, your baby, your choice. What she gives you is tips on getting baby to self settle and routines, cues for sleep etc which can make a huge difference. I wish she had been around when my first DC was a baby, I had lots of sleep and feeding issues which had a knock on effect on my tiredness levels and mental health.

I know this is not the advice you were asking for but going to bed at 8pm and spending several hours settling baby is unsustainable long term for both of you. I think if you can get baby into good sleep habits she will naturally become more independent from you.

Best of luck, becoming a first time mum turns your world upside down and it takes time to adjust.

Have you always had this routine? 8pm feels really late for a 6 month olds bed time. We had issues with our eldest DS bedtime and routine. I was put in touch with someone who worked with parents on sleep routines. She advised we bring everything forward explaining how much babies get tired earlier than most people think and it was the best thing we ever did. Lunch at 11.30, play then nap after lunch, not allowed to sleep after 3. Dinner at 4.30, play, bath and then bed by 6pm. For us it was life changing.

@Cotton55 somebody talking complete sense but because I suggested that I am neglecting my children by hoovering and putting washin on 🙄

I’m only going to comment on what you’ve actually asked, no you are NOT asking too much of your husband

I admit I haven't read all the comments. I just wanted to say I felt the same but with my second. He wouldn't settle for his dad, breastfeed to sleep, wouldn't take dummy or bottle. All I can say is, it gets easier. He probably feels you have it easier being at home whereas you feel he gets time to himself. I was in your position and know how that feels but it does nothing to compair. Just know it will get easier for you

[quote supersonicginandtonic]@Cotton55 somebody talking complete sense but because I suggested that I am neglecting my children by hoovering and putting washin on 🙄[/quote]
You said the op was lazy and ridiculous, but you didn’t like those exact words used against yourself? The OP priorities her baby, I don’t know why you have such a problem with that. Maybe you’re not as comfortable with your choices as you say you are.

Instead of the 2 hour nap being ontop of you, why not try doing a feed, then take her in the pram round the block until she drops off and maybe she will get used to this routine and you'll have 2 hours to do some housework

you'll have 2 hours to do some housework
She doesn’t need 2 hours to do some housework if she’s been up hourly in the night with her baby; she needs 2 hours to have a nap herself or a sit-down while gazing with great enjoyment at the clean and tidy surroundings her husband tended over instead of spending his evenings playing video games.

Also LOL at the poster who said 6 months is too old for comfort-sucking; what is this rush to speed babies out of being babies?

It sounds as if she’s hungry?
Especially when you say only a few drops come out when you try to express? If that’s all that is coming out when you feed her then she will wake up more often than normal and cry more than normal/not settle. Talk to your health visitor.
Once she gets sleeping properly and you get a few nights sleep everything else will be easier to deal with xxx

@IwantKandixxx

It sounds as if she’s hungry? Especially when you say only a few drops come out when you try to express? If that’s all that is coming out when you feed her then she will wake up more often than normal and cry more than normal/not settle. Talk to your health visitor. Once she gets sleeping properly and you get a few nights sleep everything else will be easier to deal with xxx

WTF is this now? Expressing is absolutely no indication of how much milk your baby is getting - some women don’t respond to a pump. The OP said her baby is happy, she already is sleeping properly. The baby isn’t the problem here, the problem is her lazy, selfish husband who is incapable of cleaning his own house.

YANBU. He should be doing half the housework especially at the weekends so it doesn’t build up.

By the way sounds like you’re doing a brilliant job with the breastfeeding. Well done momma

I really feel for you Op. My oldest Dd was similar to yours and would BF to sleep. She didn’t sleep well at night and was high maintenance in the day. Thankfully DH did a lot once he got home from work. I don’t think anyone can know how hard it is to get jobs done around the house unless you’ve had a baby like it. Sounds like your DH needs to do more after you’ve gone to bed.

Thankfully my youngest though not better at night was easier in the day and I was able to get things done.

I will say it gets easier. Mine are 4 and 2. Youngest still likes to suckle to sleep. She still sometimes wakes in the night, but then it’s just the once. In the day they spend a lot of time playing together. I’m not saying I never have to try and get jobs done with a 2 year old clinging to my leg, but yes generally it gets a lot easier.

Not read the whole thread but when we had our first DC, I would go up to bed on my own for a few hours sleep at about 9pm while DH stayed up with baby, then around midnight DH would bring him to me for a feed and he would then go to spare room to have an unbroken night so he could function at work. In the time he was downstairs with baby he would wash up and sort laundry. Worked for us.

Ask DH to help with house work, or have him get a cleaner so you can have some rest. And perhaps pay for a maternity nurse. As he cannot give milk he needs to understand that he has to help in other ways. Sitting playing in the x box is just plain rude and disrespectful.

DH fed a nighttime bottle, which meant kids got a massive bellyful rather than fall asleep on me and not feed enough, so woke up sooner. I got that time to sit in front of tv for an hour and veg, while I expressed for next night's bottle. Worked better for all of us. Didn't get any more housework done, mind you, but just felt like I had an hour to myself with nothing much to do, could call friends, watch crap films etc
Might not work for you, but worth a thought.
Think he should be doing more to help between 7-11pm.

A maternity nurse for a 6 month old? Why on earth would you do that ahead of just getting DH to do a few of the night wakings if it had become unbearable for OP. Even if, god forbid, it might mean a little bit of formula.

@YogiBearcub

Ask DH to help with house work, or have him get a cleaner so you can have some rest. And perhaps pay for a maternity nurse. As he cannot give milk he needs to understand that he has to help in other ways. Sitting playing in the x box is just plain rude and disrespectful.

He's on the xbox because his wife's gone to bed at 8pm with the baby. Sure, he could run a duster around but if she won't let him help with bedtime, what do you want him to do? Knit?