Page 12 | Am I expecting too much of DH?

Stefoscope · 18/08/2020 00:16

It sounds like you're doing a great job dory and it's understandable you're feeling irritable towards your DH as you're bearing the brunt of the sleep deprivation. I would let him take on more of the cooking and meal prep, even if it's just freezer food a couple of times a week. If he takes the baby whilst you cook, then get him to give her a bath as part of that time. A bit of a long shot, but bringing bath time forward a couple of hours may make her nod off a bit earlier on a night. With a bit of luck you may get to spend an hour or two together as a couple before you're ready for bed.

AhNowTed · 18/08/2020 00:18

When all is said and done, I don't think your DH is altogether wrong. After a weeks work he gets up with the baby on both Saturday and Sunday. So he doesn't get a lie in.

Ideally the weekend should be split, so you get a lie in each.

Everything thing else I've already said.

Feelingconfused2020 · 18/08/2020 00:49

Hi op. I personally think your DH should do a bit more. Those three hours every evening seem the obvious time to do it. I do however think you should aim to get housework done in the weekdays. For your own sanity. He should expect to do some jobs at the weekends though andr
maybe take DD out for a couple of hours while you get on with stuff. For me the most important thing would be about him doing more with DD and improving his bond.

The problem here seems to be sleep related. You may feel it's just your DD'S temperament but honestly so many of us have this with our first baby and there are solutions. Your dd should be having 14 hrs sleep (roughly) does she get anything like that amount? If not then for her sake I would suggest looking at solutions to get her napping in the day and sleeping for 4 hrs together at night. I had one child who only napped in the pram. I took him for a walk every day and he then slept for 1/2 hrs in the hallway at home. It wasn't ideal but kept me exercising and also meant I had those hrs a day to get stuff done. If DD sleeps in the pram could you do this?

A book called "the no cry sleep solution" helped me. Also getting DH to commit to helping in the night despite it seeming to not work.

Can I ask what your bedtime routine is like? I would suggest you let him bath her, alternate who does her stories and then you feed her. Once she has been fed put her down and go to bed. Let's say this is 8.30pm then agree that up until midnight any wakings are dealt with by your DH while you get 3.5 hrs uninterrupted sleep. She will cry. He can comfort her and offer her water. He doesn't have to leave her. It's likely she will soon learn not to bother waking during this time. Then she will wake for a feed around midnight but you will feel so much better after your long sleep. It's a start at least.

I think you are amazing to have dealt with this level of waking for 6 months. I wouldn't have coped. Just remember that a decision to try and change it and try and get more sleep is in the interests of DD, your partner and yourself. There are no losers.

Bridecilla · 18/08/2020 01:10

You're sat under your baby for 4 plus hours a day - just sat? To be honest I'd grumble as your dp

Cheeeeislifenow · 18/08/2020 02:25

What housework needs doing between 8 and 11? If you had baby sleeping earlier that would be free time for you as well?
Realistically how untidy can things get here? Get a cleaner in for two hours to do the Hoover or floors, but op I don't really know why those things can't be done during the day?
I had a friend who used to sit with her baby in the play mat all morning, her husband came home for lunch, made food for the two of them prepped the dinner and washed up. He went back to work and she might browse around the shops in the afternoon. He would come from work, cook,beat and clean all whilst she sat with the baby.
It's unnecessary, if you ever do have a second child you would get a big shock, those things just have to be done when you have more than one.
Do you tidy as you go? Put things away after yourself? Reuse the same cup for tea? Maybe you just need to organize yourself better.

timeisnotaline · 18/08/2020 02:55

When I return to work after mat leaves I again don’t rely on my husband for housework but either do things myself or hire external help. It’s costly but thinking long term peace and love are more important.
Wow. Long term peace and love can fuck off if they come with being the household slave (while bringing in a salary in a high pressure job.) My dh is very well aware of this, because I’m not a martyr and think I matter just as much as he does, and if we aren’t a team then those vows were a mistake. You don’t become the 24/7 housekeeper nanny when you have a baby.

When I go on mat leave, I rely on my husband to pull his weight on the housekeeping and the same when I return from mat leave. We rebalance a bit depending on the specific demands we each have at the time of course. But I do not ever do all the housework.

Trinketsfor20 · 18/08/2020 04:09

Hi OP

I gave birth at the end of January and my daughter is currently 6 months old. She’s started going to nursery FT and both spouse and I are back at work. I can honestly say that there is absolutely no way - with or without nursery - that we could cope with such sleep habits. It would totally ruin me. In terms of feeding DD was EBF for 5 months, and now having solid meals and formula during the day with MASSIVE breastfeeds in the morning and at bedtime before and after nursery. She then sleeps 12 hours at night. It was similar with DS too who is now 4.

The degree of difference sleep makes is Huge. Yes absolutely your partner should do more but at the first instance - sorting out your baby’s sleep, the dependence on one single particular source of comfort etc will result in a better quality of life for you, a happier mum, greater bandwidth all around and just is what’s needed.

Bl3ss3dm0m · 18/08/2020 05:04

Sorry OP, I read everything until about I got to about the 8.00pm mark last night (for about the last 40 mins), after that I gave up and just read your posts. By the way, I don't believe for one second that TorkTork has ever been a mother, she talks like she is talking about an 8 year old, not a 6 month old baby! My answer to your actual question is YADNBU! My solution to that is, please don't have baby number 2 until you have husband number 2, and you have found out that he is not a selfish sod who can only truly love himself!!!
Of course, OP, I assume that you love your husband for some reason, and that he must therefore have some redeeming qualities. So you probably want to stay with him. He will prpbably call you a nag, and I am not clever enough to be able to give you any advice on that one, except, if at all possible, go to marriage guidance, so that you are in a less emotive setting, and you should also have the backing of the counsellor.
Sorry again, but I can't help butting in with my own baby rearing advice (even though I know you don't want it). Your early point about not being able to express milk rang some distant alarm bells; going back 40 years to my first born, I also could not express milk, it turned out that for some reason (still don't know why), my breasts/nipples were awkward so and so's, and that therefore baby no. 1 had to work really hard to get the milk out, that of course exhausted him, so he fell asleep along way before he was full - even though he had had a good 15 to 20 minutes on each breast, looking like he was suckling happily - and because he wasn't full he would wake up between 3/4 of an hour later, to 1 and 1/4 hours later wanting another feed, and the cycle continued until I could get him to take some supplimentary formula (I hated having to do that), and eventually solids - I presume yours is coming up to the "solid" stage soon at 6 months. How do you give your baby extra water, especially needed in the heatwaves we have been having? If she takes water from a bottle she might be reasonably happy to do so with some advanced formula. Can you discuss that with a Health Visitor? It is just a thought, and might have nothing to do with a lack of access to your milk, but maybe worth thinking about. For what it is worth, I was exactly the same as you, where their feeding, their sleeping habits, and my general hands on caring for my babies was concerned - my very strong instincts told me the same as you, and 30 - 40 years later, I can tell you that I did NOT make a rod for my own back. Once the feeding issues were sorted out with my DS1 everything was just fine doing it my way, and all my babies learned how to go to sleep on their own, when it suited all of us - with no drama. They are now all fully impressive "young" people, who are independant, and not at all clingy, but still very loving. You are obviously a great Mum OP, and you are doing what is exactly right for you and your DB xx

Greenhats10 · 18/08/2020 07:37

OP have you asked your husband about this? For example, is he on board with you spending the day with the baby rather than doing housework? If he is, then honestly during the week housework plus cooking becomes his job....and you have to live with his standards.

If he thinks that you should be doing baby plus housework, you have a clash. Your timetable doesnt allow for cleaning. this is fine but either no one does it or he does it or you change your baby's routine. It doesn't really matter which you go for but if you want to change things this is basically all you can do. Plus get a cleaner to deep clean everything once a week.

In our case, we split everything. We also had a clingy baby and carried them to sleep etc. but my husband did more housework than me and was happy to look after the baby while I worked abroad for half the week once I went back to work. We were both knackered but thats what happens with a new baby. It gets better!

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 18/08/2020 08:11

This has probably already been said so excuse me and ignore if needs be.
The husband issue is one thing...he’s not doing enough...simple as! He made a decision with you to have a child, that child and your household require a lot of input from both of you. It’s not ok for you to run yourself into the ground and for him to state that you can’t expect much of him of a weekend when he works all week and gets up with your child at the weekend. Yes you can expect that of him as he expects you to be raising your child in any way that it takes. Don’t be a push over, he’s taking advantage of you. I’d sit down and calmly explain the toll it’s taking on you and that there has to be a better home and work life balance for you BOTH.

Secondly as I’ve already seen, you know your child needs to have a better routine. You’ve learnt to soothe her by keeping her attached to you a lot of the time. She probably has separate know anxiety when not with you and can not self soothe to sleep. You don’t need to leave her screaming herself to sleep, but she does have to learn that nap time is for sleeping and you are nearby and will return if needed. If you were perfectly ok with all of this then there would be no issue, but because this is affecting your sleep, life and marriage, it is an issue. Getting her into a routine is paramount for you and it’s the right thing for her so that she does know what to expect. You’re going to burn out very soon if you carry on this way.

I have 3 boys and the most valuable thing I ever learnt from my sister before having any of them was routine, routine, routine. And that always changes too. Adapting to their changing needs is hard.

SoloMummy · 18/08/2020 08:56

@dorysealover

DD is 6 months old.

DH is at work all day so just me and DD at home.

She's going through a developmental leap and doesn't seem to be sleeping much at the minute. Some nights she's waking every hour. DH has decided to sleep in the spare room so he can get a good nights sleep.

We've agreed that on a Saturday and Sunday he will get up with DD on a morning so that i can have a few hours sleep in, which after a week of poor sleep, I need.

DD will only nap on me during the day or in the pram if we go for a walk, she doesn't like the sling, so I feel like I'm limited to what I can do around the house.
If I didn't let DD nap on me she wouldn't nap she'd become over tired and sleep less on a night.

When DH comes home around 5pm I feel ready to hand DD over and catch a quick break.

He will spend an hour playing with her whilst I sort the dinner for us, we will eat at 6/6.30 and by 7 I do DD bath and we both go to bed at 8pm (although it can be a few hours before she will settle)

DH will stay downstairs watching tv / on his Xbox until around 11pm then he will come up to the spare room to bed.

I use time on a weekend to catch up on house work, cleaning, laundry etc, but if we plan a family day out, the house work gets put on hold and i then feel irritated that the house isn't in order.

I just sometimes don't feel like Dh is doing enough, yet I feel like I don't ever stop!!

Some nights he will offer to cook so then he misses the play time with DD.

I breastfeed so he can't really do bed time as she feeds to sleep, and I've tried feeding her first for DH to settle her but she will not settle unless I'm there.

I don't really know what else DH could do but at the minute I'm starting to feel irritated with him.🙄

Any advice?

Why are you leaving all of the housework until the weekends? I did things as I'd go along, to try and save chaos. If baby sleeps in the pram, walk to sleep and then leave in the garden in the pram whilst you get on. When baby is awake, you can obviously then also do things. Once he's home then share out the tasks, either you bathe baby or he does, and the other washes up, hoovers etc.

MrsKoala · 18/08/2020 09:53

I often wonder what attachment style parents, like you seem to be, do when you have a second child? How are you able to maintain this level with two children?

I am what you’d call attachment style although I never knew it had a name till I read it here. I just did what seemed right and responsive for my children and me. Ds1 was 2 weeks off 2 when ds1 was born and they were both 4 and 2 within weeks of dd being born. I always presumed I’d have to do things differently with the subsequent children, but actually i tried and it was easier to wear them in slings and all co sleep. I just didn’t have the energy to do rigid nighttime routines that they hated and were non compliant with.

We still all co sleep at 7,5 and 3. Which we all love. It has its pros and cons. Just like routines and early bed times do.

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 18/08/2020 10:00

@MrsKoala

I often wonder what attachment style parents, like you seem to be, do when you have a second child? How are you able to maintain this level with two children?

I am what you’d call attachment style although I never knew it had a name till I read it here. I just did what seemed right and responsive for my children and me. Ds1 was 2 weeks off 2 when ds1 was born and they were both 4 and 2 within weeks of dd being born. I always presumed I’d have to do things differently with the subsequent children, but actually i tried and it was easier to wear them in slings and all co sleep. I just didn’t have the energy to do rigid nighttime routines that they hated and were non compliant with.

We still all co sleep at 7,5 and 3. Which we all love. It has its pros and cons. Just like routines and early bed times do.

You share a bed with your partner and three children? Im super jealous of the size of your bedroom!

lifesnotaspectatorsport · 18/08/2020 14:30

@FilthyforFirth I didn't do full on attachment parenting - very much had a routine for day but rocked/cuddled to sleep for naps and often co-slept. Which meant broken sleep for over two years. DH and I were exhausted. When the twins came along, I just knew I could not do that again. Apart from anything else I could not physically rock two babies, or lie down with them with a toddler yelling for me downstairs. They were sleep trained from 5 months and I am amazed at how easy it was 🙈 I do bring them in my bed if they wake early though because I miss the cuddles. But couldn't do it with 3, especially given eldest stopped napping before they were born.

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 18/08/2020 14:34

I think that there is a lot of 'rod for your own back' going on OP but that is your choice. The 'luxury' of being permanently attached to your baby only really happens in this way with the first - and that's perfectly fine. Again - your choice.

However - that choice comes with consequences. . and those consequences maybe acceptable to you on a balance. But it sounds very much as though they may not be.

The level of attachment that you have created and the method you use (boob as pacifier/sleep aid) means that it is physically impossible for your DH to help. What's more - if he does try and take over he will get a negative reaction from baby.. as you have taught her to want you and only you.
Again - your choice.. but the other consequence you need to be aware of is that your DH will become more and more of a 'spare part' .. as this doesn't sound like a family unit at the moment..
... it sounds like the mum and baby club that DH earns money to support but isn't actually (allowed ?) to be part of the team.. I would be very very careful with this. Please understand that relationships need care as well as baby's.. they aren't mutually exclusive and sadly it sounds very much like this is beginning to be the case..

I did EXACTLY this with my first.I physically couldn't with my second and third because of the demands of the others. They are all in their twenties now but neither one is more or less close to me because I put them in a cot to go to sleep instead of my boob..

PinkyBrain · 18/08/2020 14:36

Op this sounds so hard on you. Tbf it sounds like he is involved and helpful but due to breastfeeding the overwhelming pressure and burden is all on you particularly around the sleep stuff. I hope you manage to sort it out, it doesn’t sound like you have any time for yourself or as a couple which isn’t sustainable long term. Hopefully she will find it easier to settle as she grows bigger. In the meantime and lots of .

OrangeBlossomsinthesun · 18/08/2020 15:19

I remember following MrsKoala's threads across various children and tbf it seemed like the way they parented nearly fucking killed the lot of them, attachment or not. I'm not saying it wasn't the right thing to do but remember following them with horror and wondering how MrsKoala didn't kill someone or just expire from exhaustion and stress.

I hope things are better now.

MrsKoala · 18/08/2020 16:55

Oh god yes OrangeBlossom which is why it wasn’t a choice thing more a necessity. There wasn’t an alternative because my children were such shit sleepers. In fact things got so much better when I eventually gave up on trying for routines and sleep training. Which is why we all sleep so much better now (and because dd just got older and grew out of it).

Cotton55 · 18/08/2020 16:58

I'm sorry but I do think YABU.

Your dd is 6 months old not 6 weeks. I have 3 dc myself so I know how tiring being home with a baby can be (although mine are older now). However, at 6 months your baby doesn't need to be stuck to your hip all day long. You could easily pop her in an activity centre for 15 minutes in front of the tv while you dust and quickly run the hoover over one of the other rooms or give the bathroom a quick clean or whatever. You could be preparing dinner while she's having tummy time on a mat on the kitchen floor. Or get a slow cooker and pop it all in first thing in the morning and it's ready at dinner time. Cook enough for 2 or more dinners so you don't need to cook everyday.

You have a small baby so maybe you both need to lower your expectations about how spotless your house should be for now. But it's easy to keep things respectably tidy if you tidy as you go. Fold clothes from the dryer while your dd is playing/sitting in her high chair -you can be chatting away to her so she still has your attention but you don't need to be physically holding her. Put your plates straight into the dishwasher when you're finished rather than let them pile up on the counter top etc. It only takes 5 or 10 minutes to empty the dishwasher, put on a clothes wash and so on. These are all things you could easily do while your husband is at work.

I understand that you're tired. But I think you should try to sort out her naps a little so she doesn't need you to fall alseep on. At least if she'll sleep in the pram then take her out in that everyday that you can rather than have her fall asleep on you. Obviously helping her to self sooth and settle herself for naps would be better for everyone but at least in the pram you can also get some fresh air. Maybe meet a friend for a walk at the same time. Getting out will give you more energy too as I used to find the days I didn't get out I had less energy.

I breastfed too so I was always the one to put our dc to bed but maybe you could try a bottle of formula at bedtime and then eventually your dh could put her to bed some nights too to give you a break. I understand you mightn't want to use formula though. And it's good you get a break when he gets home but he could also bath her sometimes. Why does that always have to be you?

However, I do think there are jobs your husband could do too. Like a pp said, if you were also working full time, surely all the household jobs wouldn't be left to you? But as you are at home all day, I do think there are plenty of things that you can do during the week while also looking after a 6 month old. And that way, the jobs won't all pile up for the weekend. When I had babies that young, our house was never spotless but I still managed to more or less keep on top of things during the week. You mightn't have it to show house standard but who cares? Once it's presentable and tidy. Then you can enjoy your weekends together without the horrible feeling of laundry/ hoovering etc hanging over you. Life is too short for that.

Also is there any way you could stay up later than 8pm? If dd isn't sleeping anyway, does it really matter that you rigidly stick to 8pm every night? I understand the lack of sleep is making you tired but it sounds like you and your dh have very little time together in the evenings. I think that time together is important as a couple. Especially as you don't sleep in the same room anymore. Your dd waking hourly could go on for months and months more if you don't try and teach her to sooth herself to sleep (and I don't mean let her cry it out or anything like that. There are lots of gentle methods of sleep training) so if your husband is going to sleep in the spare room til she sleeps through the night, you mightn't sleep in the same room as him for over a year!

Talk to your dh. Suggest he baths dd some nights and discuss together what jobs really need doing in the house every single week. Does he expect the house to be in pristine shape or maybe certain jobs could be done every fortnight perhaps? The nights he's cooking dinner, maybe he could make something simple and quick so he still has plenty of time to play with dd and cook. If you don't talk to him, your irritation will just grow. But as I said above, I do think there are plenty of things you can do at home while also minding a 6 month old.

Franticbutterfly · 18/08/2020 17:06

Sorry haven't read all, but I really recommend getting something like this;

www.smythstoys.com/uk/en-gb/baby/jumpers-and-walkers/entertainers-and-jumpers/baby-einstein-neighbourhood-friends-activity-jumper/p/184786?gclid=Cj0KCQjw-O35BRDVARIsAJU5mQUiGIccviJA3OklOfrpoSl1evy0BxAby96LQm9HjbFfPwL5QRRQm5QaAmctEALw_wcB

I had something similar and it gave me some time in the day to whizz about making sure I'd done some jobs while DC were safe and occupied for a bit.

CallmeBadJanet · 18/08/2020 17:56

@dorysealover On his X-box? Is he 17? You need to lower your standards in the house, at this stage it doesn’t have to be perfect. But also, pump some milk, put it in the fridge, then go out for a Saturday and let him spend the whole day with her.

tierdytierd · 18/08/2020 17:58

You and your baby boob feeding & napping only on you, no dummy & not interested in bottles is like I’ve written this. It’s exhausting, I have no helpful advice I’m afraid just know you’re not on your own, and whilst it doesn’t help right now it really does get easier. The only thing I found helpful was hounding myself to make a conscious effort to not pile the pressure on yourself. Actually just leave something, start small so it doesn’t irritate you. Don’t cook a couple of nights, don’t bath baby every night, her bedtime cue is you not a bath. This is time you could rest, read whilst she nods off. If your partner offers to cook let him, even if just once per week it’s important for him to spend time with baby but it’s also crucial you share the mental & physical load with him so that you can have some restful time even if it’s with baby on your lap whilst he thinks about and prepares you a meal/washes up anything! Ask more & accept more, maybe he wants to cook but is used to you doing everything maybe not, but you need support too! I had my son on my own & even though friends offered to help I was adamant I didn’t need it. Won’t do that again. Grab any and all chances of rest no matter how small xx

Scottsy100 · 18/08/2020 18:07

I would say that expecting him to get up both weekend days is probably a bit much, have a weekend day each as he still has to get up for work every week day too. And to be honest not sure how much longer you can go with DD napping on you, her nap time during the day should be your time to do what you want to do or catch up on house work so you don’t have to do it at the weekends. Agreed if you are doing housework at the weekend maybe you can share jobs a bit more though

Jack80 · 18/08/2020 18:24

Can you not express milk, ask him to hoover, do washing, maybe tidy around and he could take her for a walk before bed or bath her.

Violinist64 · 18/08/2020 18:31

Is your daughter hungry? If she is six months old and still completely breast fed and not sleeping it sounds as if she is ready for solids. It might be worth speaking to your health visitor. A different tack l know but if you are able to get your baby to sleep more you will both sleep more and feel better.