Am I expecting too much of DH?

[dorysealover]

DD is 6 months old.

DH is at work all day so just me and DD at home.

She's going through a developmental leap and doesn't seem to be sleeping much at the minute. Some nights she's waking every hour. DH has decided to sleep in the spare room so he can get a good nights sleep.

We've agreed that on a Saturday and Sunday he will get up with DD on a morning so that i can have a few hours sleep in, which after a week of poor sleep, I need.

DD will only nap on me during the day or in the pram if we go for a walk, she doesn't like the sling, so I feel like I'm limited to what I can do around the house.
If I didn't let DD nap on me she wouldn't nap she'd become over tired and sleep less on a night.

When DH comes home around 5pm I feel ready to hand DD over and catch a quick break.

He will spend an hour playing with her whilst I sort the dinner for us, we will eat at 6/6.30 and by 7 I do DD bath and we both go to bed at 8pm (although it can be a few hours before she will settle)

DH will stay downstairs watching tv / on his Xbox until around 11pm then he will come up to the spare room to bed.

I use time on a weekend to catch up on house work, cleaning, laundry etc, but if we plan a family day out, the house work gets put on hold and i then feel irritated that the house isn't in order.

I just sometimes don't feel like Dh is doing enough, yet I feel like I don't ever stop!!

Some nights he will offer to cook so then he misses the play time with DD.

I breastfeed so he can't really do bed time as she feeds to sleep, and I've tried feeding her first for DH to settle her but she will not settle unless I'm there.

I don't really know what else DH could do but at the minute I'm starting to feel irritated with him.🙄

Any advice?

In terms of housework at the same time as looking after s child, then sadly OP, this is as easy as it's going to get for several years. If baby is crawling it's probably not very fast yet, though it doesn't sound as if baby is crawling, in which case, there is limited mischief they can get upto.

Beef to clean the kitchen, bring them in with you and put toys (or Tupperware and a spoon) down on a mat. Take them upstairs whilst you put laundry away, and out some nursery rhymes on at the same time to make it more fun.

In a year, you'll have a toddler who messrs things up faster than you can tidy them, who is fast and has a magnetic attraction to danger.

If they are used to your doing chores around then, then it's going to be less of a battle when it gets really tough.

And yes, I think your husband could do more housework sometimes and I think sleep is a real issue (I'm not a to fan of sleep training either though).

Sorry for the typos. Just noticed them. It's got nothing to do with beef.

In my defence, my 16mo was up from 1-4 am, I've had work all day and she didn't go to sleep until nearly 10 tonight, so I'm zonked.

Ok so I’m old, my kids and in their 20’s and in my day we used to put the baby down for its nap. I understand the not wanting your baby to cry, I really do. I understand that methods change etc .......but I’m genuinely asking without meaning to be goady
It clearly wouldn’t be possible to do all this with a second/third child without severe neglect of the first so are you absolutely certain that every single part of your routine is essential? If it is and you intend another baby at some point, then what?

@dorysealover, you don't have to explain or apologise.

I don't follow why anyone thinks it matters or helps to say 'I did such-and-such a routine' or 'I did the housework while mine napped' or whatever.

I am the parent who was working while my baby was this age; I would never have had the energy to stay up to 11pm because I was pitching in and helping. Your DH can't do much to help with night feeds because you are breastfeeding, so he should be fairly well rested and he can manage more than he's doing.

That's the bottom line.

You could do all the things people have suggested, change everything, and you wouldn't solve the basic issue here, which is that he currently thinks that getting a full night's sleep, and then several hours in the evening to relax, is pulling his weight, and you can do the rest.

There's no indication he's doing this deliberately or maliciously (as you say yourself you're not sure what's fair in your OP). So it sounds to me like something that's just worth a conversation. You don't need to be shattered, or to have to decide between being slightly less shattered and doing things you clearly don't feel comfortable doing.

@BikeTyson

I don't plonk her in front of the tv, or leave her to cry

What about all the suggestions that have been made which don’t involve either of these things? When does your baby a chance to explore something for themselves for a minute? What do you do when you need the toilet? What if the doorbell rings? Do you think every parent who ever gets anything done during the day is plonking them in front of the tv or leaving them to cry? I don’t actually think the sleep stuff is martyrdom, you seem to be happy it works for you, but this is.

@BikeTyson

The play pen suggestion is a great idea.

The reference to tv or leaving her to cry is in response to the pp who thinks I'm being a lazy parent.

If I need the toilet DD comes upstairs and I put her in her cot. Unless she's asleep in the pram which sometimes does happen.
I'm sure in time I will feel comfortable leaving her downstairs but at the minute I don't.

Ok so I’m old, my kids and in their 20’s and in my day we used to put the baby down for its nap.

Funny that, my mum remembers us all napping in the sling on her front. In fact I have strong memories of my little brother napping/feeding to sleep because my mum would be reading to me at the same time.

Deeply neglected, I was. My mum's a wee bit older than you, too.

OP, have you actually sat down with DH and had a proper discussion about this?

Yes, he could do more and especially at the weekend (asking you to choose between having an outing or doing chores which he could help with is ridiculous). But maybe it's a symptom of him not being happy with the current set-up. My own DH would be desperately sad not to be able to comfort his own daughter. And the more you allow yourself to be the only source of comfort, the more she will resist anyone else.

I get that you don't want to sleep train. Fair enough. Neither did I with my first (and my god I regretted it later when he still didn't sleep aged 3 but - it's your journey to go on and maybe you'll have a better outcome!) However I did let my DH share looking after him and I did do everything I could to help him sleep well. Night after night of broken unsettled sleep isn't good for your DD any more than you. Also I ebf all 3 of my kids (I've got twins now too!) so this is perfectly compatible.

Some things I'd recommend you try:

• Getting DD to nap in the buggy as a first step to not needing every nap on you
• Napping beside her on the double bed so you can sleep too in the daytime (check out safe sleeping positions)
• Working out a good age-appropriate sleep schedule and sticking to it. If she is taking hours to settle then whatever routine you have is not working
• Stop feeding to sleep (this is a terrible habit to kick later and WILL cause frequent waking) - feed, story and then cuddle instead
• Create a baby entertainment zone with playmat, toys, drums, a little box with interesting objects she can pick up and explore with her hands. Sit her down (pillows if she's not sitting by herself) and just let her play. Once she's engrossed, you can leave her in eyesight and get a few things done. A jumperoo or bouncer is a good addition too.
• Pop her in her highchair (good practice) with some toys so she can watch you cook or clean. Give her a pan or a spoon to bang. Let her be on her own for a bit.
• Involve DH at bedtime. He can do bath, change, dress (take turns if you still want to do it) then you feed and you both cuddle and read stories or sing. It's a lovely time to share. Let her get used to her dad being part of it. Then in time maybe you'll feel comfortable for him to do cuddles and you go downstairs and put your feet up.

Parenting is a job best shared in my opinion - not only for you but for your partner and your baby.

Just get a cleaner...problem solved!

[quote Fairymaryprincess]@dorysealover some of these replies are harsh and some even quite mean, it's easy to fall into this routine when it's your first baby, but it's not working for your family or your marriage, there's little steps to make things better though that doesn't mean you need to let her cry to sleep or anything, I started the day as breakfast feed get dressed 10 mins play then leave for 10 mins, stick a wash on or wash up, leave baby playing with some chew toys, put some music on or baby singing on YouTube, it's not lazy parenting unless they are watching TV all day etc, 10 mins not going to turn her into a square eyes, she will enjoy it may clap along a bit etc, then off out for a walk if she falls asleep quite quickly then head home make yourself a brew while she sleeps, while the kettle boils chuck something in the slow cooker, buy frozen chopped veg and your good to go quite quickly then, when it gets to tea time leave the lid off for an hour before and it will thicken up, if you make extras stick them in a zip bag into the freezer then you can just get it out when you want. Baby wakes up snack time, need to hover up keep her in the high chair and give her a wooden spoon and a pan she will love it, sit down with her and have a little snuggle and a story, take the bouncer or playpen into the garden and hang out the washing, lunchtime breastfeed, when she finishes put her back in the pram or cot if she wakes up just go out for a walk again, snack time again then do some dancing and let her watch you, play pen with toys or material books in and finish sorting tea or a snack in time for your husband coming home, have a snack with baby together at the table, daddy play with her you go get a bath, take your phone or a book and stay in for the hour, when dd bath time comes daddy can get in with her, once she's done he has his bath while you feed, once feeding is finished give her to your husband and you go downstairs also give him your t-shirt you've worn that day, your scent will be on the clothes and will comfort her, daddy cuddle and put her down read a little story then lights out, he could lie on his side of the bed and just lie quietly for 10 minutes then leave and come to eat tea with you downstairs, if she cries go up and shh shh and pat say night then leave again but don't pick her up unless she needs a new nappy on, at first you will need to do this a few times before she's properly asleep but stick to it, even for a week or more also maybe make babies bedtime a bit earlier try moving it 10 mins earlier each night, within a couple of weeks you and your husband will get a couple of hours together each night which if there's still things to do, do them together for 15 minutes, then sit down and relax together watch TV, play a game, have a chat etc, you both deserve down time and it sounds like he does help, regarding weekend though make sure that's shared chores, when your back at work, weekend is both of yours time off, so it needs to be done together, don't worry about looking like a show house, clean and tidy is fine.
I know you are generally asking about your husband and how much he does but I just wanted to show you that little bits at a time can really make things easier for you and your daughter, once you are back in work she needs to be OK without you for short periods of time and you also need to be OK without her too, your not just a mummy or a cleaner, your a wife, friend, colleague etc and you will find things difficult to start with but it will be worth it for you all. [/quote]
@Fairymaryprincess Thank you.

@lifesnotaspectatorsport

OP, have you actually sat down with DH and had a proper discussion about this?

Yes, he could do more and especially at the weekend (asking you to choose between having an outing or doing chores which he could help with is ridiculous). But maybe it's a symptom of him not being happy with the current set-up. My own DH would be desperately sad not to be able to comfort his own daughter. And the more you allow yourself to be the only source of comfort, the more she will resist anyone else.

I get that you don't want to sleep train. Fair enough. Neither did I with my first (and my god I regretted it later when he still didn't sleep aged 3 but - it's your journey to go on and maybe you'll have a better outcome!) However I did let my DH share looking after him and I did do everything I could to help him sleep well. Night after night of broken unsettled sleep isn't good for your DD any more than you. Also I ebf all 3 of my kids (I've got twins now too!) so this is perfectly compatible.

Some things I'd recommend you try:

• Getting DD to nap in the buggy as a first step to not needing every nap on you
• Napping beside her on the double bed so you can sleep too in the daytime (check out safe sleeping positions)
• Working out a good age-appropriate sleep schedule and sticking to it. If she is taking hours to settle then whatever routine you have is not working
• Stop feeding to sleep (this is a terrible habit to kick later and WILL cause frequent waking) - feed, story and then cuddle instead
• Create a baby entertainment zone with playmat, toys, drums, a little box with interesting objects she can pick up and explore with her hands. Sit her down (pillows if she's not sitting by herself) and just let her play. Once she's engrossed, you can leave her in eyesight and get a few things done. A jumperoo or bouncer is a good addition too.
• Pop her in her highchair (good practice) with some toys so she can watch you cook or clean. Give her a pan or a spoon to bang. Let her be on her own for a bit.
• Involve DH at bedtime. He can do bath, change, dress (take turns if you still want to do it) then you feed and you both cuddle and read stories or sing. It's a lovely time to share. Let her get used to her dad being part of it. Then in time maybe you'll feel comfortable for him to do cuddles and you go downstairs and put your feet up.

Parenting is a job best shared in my opinion - not only for you but for your partner and your baby.

@lifesnotaspectatorsport Thank you!!

DH & I have tried to discuss it but we always seek to argue about it as we can't find a solution.

I think it sounds like DH could be doing more and I'd start there. If baby napping on you and feeding during the night, isn't the issue for you, don't let other people tell you to change that. All babies are different and go through phases of needing more attention.

It's good for baby's development not to be on you all the time, so keep trying tummy time and playmates etc. But baby is 6 months old so still learning, DH is a big boy who needs to put his big boy pants on and help out more.

You'll all find your rhythm. 6 months is no time. Iv been in my new job role at work that amount and still finding my feet! Most jobs keep you on probation for 6 months, so you and baby and DH are still learning this new chapter

My DS was like this. He was a perfect happy little boy but constantly attached to me. I loved it, he loved it and we coslept for a long time. However, he had a strong sleep association that took a long time to kick and I was still up 4plus times a night when he was a year and a half until I weaned.

If it works for you and your family it is a lovely way to raise your baby, you get all the cuddles and it is nice to be needed. Shes blissfully happy because she has mummy.

The change in my husbands contribution naturally happened when I went back to 12h shifts at 9 months and he had to step up and do baby care. He did amazingly and found his confidence and I'm ashamed to say I maybe took it a little because the baby literally was constantly in my arms before that. We still breastfed, coslept etc but it was so liberating not being the sole carer for him.

I've never sleep trained my youngest but he was swaddled in the bassinet from day one and always always fell asleep in there. I couldn't go back to hours of fighting to get my baby to nap. I dont allow him to cry in the cot but I let him shout/roll about and he sleeps all night.

If I was doing the cosleeping thing again I would learn how to feed side lying and be able to sneak away alot earlier rather than having to sit there for the full 2 hour naps. Also...have you tried an earlier bedtime? If she's taking ages to settle it could be overtired? We are on a 2 nap schedule and some days barely make it past 6.20 for bedtime...he would never make it until 8PM!

I often wonder what attachment style parents, like you seem to be, do when you have a second child? How are you able to maintain this level with two children?

I think your DH could do more in the evenings but I also think it is sad that your DD doesnt settle with him at all. Must make him feel quite left out.

Hi OP, I haven’t read the full thread so I might be repeating what others are saying- but honestly, what you are experiencing is not unusual. My daughter, who is 8 months now, sounds a lot like yours. I’m lucky in that she’s mostly a decent night time sleeper, but she will only feed to sleep, can comfort suck for ages, and will just not nap independently in the daytime. I’m also not comfortable with leaving her to cry, or denying her feeding of it comforts her. A few things that have helped me:

• I take her to the kitchen with me when I cook and do housework. When she was younger we had a baby attachment on a high chair, now she’s in the normal high chair. I chat to her and sing to her as I cook, empty the dishwasher, fill the washing machine etc. and she enjoys watching me. I tell her and show her what I’m doing, babble back to her etc. She has toys attached to her high chair to play with as well.
• For weaning food, I try to make it at the same time as I make our dinner. I also try to make variations of what we’re having as much as possible. So when she was younger, if I did something for us involving carrot, she’d have carrot purée. Now I try to make the same thing for all of us as often as possible, and mash it for her. I always make more than she needs and freeze a few portions.
• We all have dinner together, which means a later bed time for her, but as I’m on mat leave I have no reason not to do that. I do bath time with my husband, he then dresses her for the night while I get ready, and cleans the kitchen while I feed her.
• I nap next to her in our bed in the afternoons. That way she gets a good 2-3 hours, rather than the 30 minutes max she used to get when I was struggling to settle her away from me. I also get a rest this way, or a bit of time to read, or do the online food order on my phone, or admin on my phone - or chat to or WhatsApp friends, etc.
• At night I settle her in the next to me after feeding, and I then feed her lying down in our bed when she wakes up in the night. The wake ups are much reduced now compared to what they were. I let her sleep in our bed after the 6am feed, which means we both have a good lie-in.

I don’t tell many people all this because I can’t be going with all the “should do sleep training, shouldn’t feed her to sleep” comments. What we’re doing works for us and that’s that. And no, I don’t think she’ll feed to sleep until the age of 12. And when we need to change our routine for nursery etc, we’ll work something out then too. Big handhold. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, and it will get easier!

@FilthyforFirth

I often wonder what attachment style parents, like you seem to be, do when you have a second child? How are you able to maintain this level with two children?

I think your DH could do more in the evenings but I also think it is sad that your DD doesnt settle with him at all. Must make him feel quite left out.

@FilthyforFirth why does your parenting have to have a particular style?

I'm just a new mum trying to meet my babies needs.

I don't think the way I'm raising DD is an issue.

I'm just struggling with time and needing more of an input from DH.

@EarlGreywithLemon

Hi OP, I haven’t read the full thread so I might be repeating what others are saying- but honestly, what you are experiencing is not unusual. My daughter, who is 8 months now, sounds a lot like yours. I’m lucky in that she’s mostly a decent night time sleeper, but she will only feed to sleep, can comfort suck for ages, and will just not nap independently in the daytime. I’m also not comfortable with leaving her to cry, or denying her feeding of it comforts her. A few things that have helped me:

• I take her to the kitchen with me when I cook and do housework. When she was younger we had a baby attachment on a high chair, now she’s in the normal high chair. I chat to her and sing to her as I cook, empty the dishwasher, fill the washing machine etc. and she enjoys watching me. I tell her and show her what I’m doing, babble back to her etc. She has toys attached to her high chair to play with as well.
• For weaning food, I try to make it at the same time as I make our dinner. I also try to make variations of what we’re having as much as possible. So when she was younger, if I did something for us involving carrot, she’d have carrot purée. Now I try to make the same thing for all of us as often as possible, and mash it for her. I always make more than she needs and freeze a few portions.
• We all have dinner together, which means a later bed time for her, but as I’m on mat leave I have no reason not to do that. I do bath time with my husband, he then dresses her for the night while I get ready, and cleans the kitchen while I feed her.
• I nap next to her in our bed in the afternoons. That way she gets a good 2-3 hours, rather than the 30 minutes max she used to get when I was struggling to settle her away from me. I also get a rest this way, or a bit of time to read, or do the online food order on my phone, or admin on my phone - or chat to or WhatsApp friends, etc.
• At night I settle her in the next to me after feeding, and I then feed her lying down in our bed when she wakes up in the night. The wake ups are much reduced now compared to what they were. I let her sleep in our bed after the 6am feed, which means we both have a good lie-in.

I don’t tell many people all this because I can’t be going with all the “should do sleep training, shouldn’t feed her to sleep” comments. What we’re doing works for us and that’s that. And no, I don’t think she’ll feed to sleep until the age of 12. And when we need to change our routine for nursery etc, we’ll work something out then too. Big handhold. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, and it will get easier!

@EarlGreywithLemon some really great advice. Thank you

I often wonder what attachment style parents, like you seem to be, do when you have a second child? How are you able to maintain this level with two children?

My first was held lots and would only nap on me, although that was more her ‘style’ than mine. I’d have chewed my own arm off some days to have a baby that would nap in the cot!

Second baby was a lot less ‘attachment-style’ in nature, but by then I’d learnt to really appreciate slings so DC2 spent a lot of time in a sling as a newborn while I chased round after DC1.

I didnt necessarily say it was an issue. But my question still stands. I genuinely wonder how you do this with two? Perhaps you dont want a second and so that is how.

Also I don't think parenting has to have a style, mine certainly doesnt though I am a big fan of routine. But the type of parenting you are describing seems to be attachment, which other posters have also noted.

OP I saw this not as an issue of your baby's sleep, I think that's a red herring - I didn't sleep train either, never got to that point.

It is however more of an issue of you not wanting to leave her on a mat, in a playpen, allowing you to do a few bits during the day, so there's less pressure on you and your DH at the weekend.

You've recognised that now which is great.

Get a travel cot which doubles as a playpen. You need to be able to put her down.

But you going to bed at 8pm with the baby is not sustainable.

I second the advice you've had from @lifesnotaspectatorsport. She is spot on.

@FilthyforFirth

I didnt necessarily say it was an issue. But my question still stands. I genuinely wonder how you do this with two? Perhaps you dont want a second and so that is how.

@FilthyforFirth we are first time parents, I'm sure we'd figure it out for a second.

@FilthyforFirth

Also I don't think parenting has to have a style, mine certainly doesnt though I am a big fan of routine. But the type of parenting you are describing seems to be attachment, which other posters have also noted.

@FilthyforFirth yes I guess i am loosely following the principles of attachment parenting.

"yes I guess i am loosely following the principles of attachment parenting."

Which is all well and good. But if this is stopping you from doing normal things like tidying the kitchen, putting a wash on, having a bath, making a meal or spending the evening with your husband, then you need to find a better balance.

You sound like a lovely mum, but you can't neglect everything else on the altar of attachment parenting.

However you split the chores, parenting etc, life with a tiny clingy baby is full on and full time. They’re not young forever so enjoy all the baby cuddles and try not to worry too much about chores. Hope you work out a balance with DH, most new parents go through this

About the “attachment parenting” label, it’s also dependent on the baby. My first went to sleep in a cot and I could do chores, my second clung to me for dear life and wouldn’t sleep unless next to me. It made doing chores really difficult and me and DH had to work out a new chore split. OP do what works for you and your baby, you know best.