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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

If you're one of those magical "put together" people...

226 replies

overweightcat · 17/08/2020 16:44

How do you do it?

I mean people that seem to be on the ball with most parts of their life, on time 99% of the time, never forget stuff, organised, in shape, great hair that's usually down and very rarely thrown up in a bun, great skin, well suited clothes, clean house, home cooked meals 90% of the time even if you both work, young DCs who don't look like they've been dragged through a hedge backwards after 5 mins of arriving somewhere, always fairly relaxed and never too frazzled.

I know a few people / couples personally and I'm always really impressed with how they seem to have it sussed out.
Don't get me wrong I know people have issues and can go through stuff behind closed doors and some of the couples I know have gone through all sorts of hardships but they are all generally lovely and you can pop down to see them anytime and there won't be a difference between them in the comfort of their own house or in public IYKWIM?

What magic is this? Are you just on it 24/7? Or are you just very good at organisation?
Do you have tips for a wannabe like me?

OP posts:
IndecentFeminist · 17/08/2020 18:03

And in winter swimming kit is swapped for a set of wellies and waterproofs each, jacket hung on the back of the respective persons head rest.

The80sweregreat · 17/08/2020 18:06

I must admit a friend of mine does live in a bit of a mess that would drive me mad ( not dirty or a horder , but just things everywhere and everything on a work surface , for example)
However, she knows precisely where everything is and can get ready in no time at all as everything is at hand ( I put things away and then forget where they are etc)
I'd rather be her way then mine , but I do like things tidy.

stayathomer · 17/08/2020 18:06

So, thinking through it I know 4 couples and one single mother like this. What the couples all seem to have in common is that they all talk everything out. What will we do for dinner, what'll we do at the weekend, they're all tag teams and they have systems and plans for everything. The thing all of them, including my single friend do, is they calenderise everything and night time seems to be spent planning and getting ready for the next day. If I ring my brother on a Friday night or Saturday morning he's either washing, drying or ironing. If I ring my sister her and her dh are meal planning. They all work and Saturday is all about cleaning. Also none of them spend time on social media, don't watch a lot of tv and they all iron their clothes (this all sounds strange to note but just looking at things that are different to us) oh and they all made their kids help from a very young age with clothes, cleaning etc.

rvby · 17/08/2020 18:12

For me it's ruthless minimalism, really. I only do things that make my life easier.

So, I don't watch tele, unless I am ill and enforcing some rest on myself. I don't invest time in my family of origin beyond duty phone calls and birthday cards. I don't participate in conversations that don't have a purpose. I frequently excuse myself from events or relationships that don't work for me or make me happy. I do not maintain relationships or habits that drain my energy. Etc etc. This leaves a lot of time and headspace for the things that matter to me.

I exclusively wear dresses and jumpsuits in bright colours. I have silk scarves and fun costume jewelry to dress them up. Separates, jeans, etc are a faff and never comfortable- my arse is too big, waist too short and my legs too long, and I bloat too much during PMT - much rather wear traditional shapes that accommodate my body tbh, and require much less styling (e.g. does this blouse go with this skirt- cannot be arsed!! A dress is much easier). Casual/lounge wear is matching gym sets or yoga wear, sized larger so that they are comfortable and supportive rather than constricted. I wear these around the house so that quick yoga breaks are easier - the more I do, the more serene I am really.

On that topic, My leisure time is meditation/yoga/high intensity cardio, sex, or entertaining friends. That's basically it. I only do things that I want to do and that make me feel happy.

I have toiletries permanently packed for travel, and I have a capsule travel wardrobe - 5 of my dresses that dont wrinkle, fav denim jacket, a men's Oxford cloth shirt for layering or as a sun cover, fav sandals, couple of silk scarves and a sun hat. Red lipstick and sunglasses, throw in a cozzie or coldweather outfit as needed - done.

I have a partner who actually does things and can figure stuff out without loads of instructions - this is vital tbh, unless you're a sahm. I work ft. Dp does dishwasher, kitchen cleaning, car things, lawn mowing, food shop, washing - and does them all well. My exh was simply unable to contribute in this way and it definitely made for a miserable, disorganized family life.

Whiteboard in kitchen as central family calendar. Works wonders.

"Present cupboard" - spirit away the toys and tat that get less attention at birthdays and Xmas, keep the nicer gift bags and tissue paper, make up generic gift bags and keep them at the back of a closet, ready to go as needed.

Sit down rarely. Clean one thing every day. Declutter something every week.

For entertaining, use a caterer if you can afford it, or learn to make attractive grazing platters, YouTube is your friend. Buy any flowers on offer at the supermarket - use Youtube to teach yourself how to arrange them simply and attractively. Dont be a perfectionist - give it a shot and be good humored about it. The effort will show even if it isn't top notch! Keep it simple and focus on making your guests feel special, rather than on getting it perfect.

Beyond that, it helps to have straight, fine hair and lots of it, as a pp mentions. I'm also tall and on the slimmer side which helps with clothing looking nice. I stand up very straight and make a lot of smiley, encouraging eye contact. That covers a multitude of sins.

Generally speaking I was trained to just get on with it, really. Assess each day with the resources you have, do your best, go to bed feeling you've accomplished some things however small, and start over in the morning. When you're tired, rest. Keep it simple and focus on what's important to you.

PerpetuallyUnderwhelmed · 17/08/2020 18:13
  1. Very engaged and helpful husband
  2. Compartmentalise- dedicate one hour per week to plan. Meal plan, house administration, boring tasks, don't let that stuff leak into everyday life. Add to a list which you tackle in that dedicated hour
  3. Get a cleaner
  4. Be naturally slim with naturally easy hair Grin
  5. You will only look stylish if you actually care about style. I hate looking messy and therefore it's not an option for me
  6. Plan/schedule everything, including down time where you just veg out (otherwise you will go insane)
PerpetuallyUnderwhelmed · 17/08/2020 18:14

Oh yes, I don't watch TV....

Lalastepmum · 17/08/2020 18:15

I have known a few women who appear all together. For some it’s a way of keeping themselves busy to avoid their inner voice (suffered with depression or anxiety) or there is an element of exaggeration.
I know from my own experience of attempting to spin all the plates I burned out and was no good to anyone.
A quote I found yesterday - “It’s just a fucking pile of dishes, they don’t represent your worth”

PatronSaint · 17/08/2020 18:16

Also often these people have helpful husbands

I don't have a 'helpful husband', I have a husband I fully expect to pull his weight in childcare, cooking and general household admin. He's not 'helping' me, any more than he is 'babysitting' if I'm away for the weekend and he has sole care of DS, or somehow doing me a favour when he cooks dinner. He's also CEO of a big sports organisation, but that doesn't buy him off house and child stuff in my universe.

I don't feel I'm remotely in a position to advise others, but insofar as I fit more in than other people (so I'm told, and I live in a different country to my parents and ILs, so no family help, we both work FT -- we have never had a gardener/personal trainer or ironing service and haven't had a cleaner for years since ours retired), the only differences I can see are

I have one child by choice

I married someone who shares equally in chores and childcare

I'm not particularly organised or much of a pre-planner (I've never meal-planned in my life), but I keep a paper diary into which everything work, deadlines, appointments, travels, social stuff goes

I don't watch television or use social media (occasional forays into Mn aside!)

I'm fussy about friends I only have people I really want in my life so I'm not locked into time-consuming 'friendships' of obligation

I say no a lot to make room for the things I really want to do

I'm not overly invested in my appearance, but I have a good haircut (necessary with curly hair), shop seldom, and tend to wear a 'uniform' of a few things I know suit me, which saves time, and I don't go for time-consuming grooming rituals that need to be continually redone, like conspicuous nails

TorkTorkBam · 17/08/2020 18:18

I take care of my appearance. When I have thrown myself together people tell me I still look elegant. Fuck knows how. Lucky genetics and the ability to do a chignon with two hair clips in the dark perhaps.

Tell you what I have noticed though: tailored appearance means being seen as the kind of woman who really knows where her towel is. I fuck up all kinds of stuff all the time and my children are often a state but somehow that is "forgiven".

You see if my children are covered in mud and three day old bbq sauce with knotted lank hair people seem to assume it is because of our healthy outdoor limited Xbox (ha, my arse!) lifestyle.

Women make up all kinds of imaginary rules about what it is to be a together person, woman, wife, mother. Then we see it everywhere. Confirmation bias.

I bet those supposedly together mums feel guilt for opposite things. Like maybe you take your children out to eat and they feel guilty that they eat in, or yours will eat ready meal lasagne but theirs are fussy eaters who will only eat spag bol made by mum served in the right bowl. Maybe they are feeling boring and wish they could do the hippy earth mother thing more successfully instead of getting anxious if things aren't neat and tidy. I'm not saying you or they are like this, what I am saying is that you are not looking at them or yourself the way they will look at themselves or you.

Maternal guilt is a bitch. So is female socialisation to appear perfect according to EVERYONE else's idea of perfect at the same time, even if contradictory.

Cut yourself a break.

Daisylondonrose · 17/08/2020 18:19

i'd say i'm half this person but that's truly down to genetics. luckily have great hair - i've never used any home applicances, wouldn't even know how to. and also have great skin - fairly average body tho! Grin

we both work ft, but have a cleaner. lots of to do lists and i over think pretty much everything. wardrobe is around the same colourways.

agree with the tidy as you go, calender and filling emails as you go. totally in LOVE with the thought of spare wash bags

Daisylondonrose · 17/08/2020 18:19

maybe actual a quarter this person really!

PerpetuallyUnderwhelmed · 17/08/2020 18:21

Also - just don't faff! I know it sounds odd but I don't understand people who can't do things quickly. You can tidy the living room and pack a bag to be out the door within 5 minutes (with small children). But I am one of those people who is always embarrassingly early for everything. That is inherited. I spent half my childhood waiting in the car until it was a polite time to enter wherever we had been invited!

domesticslattern · 17/08/2020 18:22

I have a friend like this.
She gets up at 6am every morning to work out and her housekeeper comes three times a week. She is very nice though!
Smile

MrsToothyBitch · 17/08/2020 18:23

As long as you don't look too closely, I have that home. And if you catch me on the right day I've been told I look put together. Things I suggest:

  1. To do lists, always have something on the go
  2. Think ahead- eg, I've just done my September birthdays so I'm not panic buying. I think ahead on my week & do things in advance to make busy times run easier.
  3. Tidy little and often. Storage is your friend- everything should have a home.
  4. Use all your time- what little job can you knock off ready?
  5. Pack your handbag the night before, choose your clothes, jewellery & prep your make up bag then too. Ditto things like tickets etc.
  6. Deal with stuff ASAP & file and do things that pop up immediately- lest you forget.
  7. Batch cook & prep stuff for lunch boxes etc the night before.
  8. Get a cleaner & gardener if you can afford- outsource anything tbh.
  9. Either buy things that are easy to care for or be prepared to spend time on your laundry & ironing.
  10. Keep clothes simple- much easier to dress & look sleek if a statement piece of jewellery or your blazer finishes you off than 90000 layers of blouse.
  11. Buy what actually suits you and buy good shoes, coats and handbags. Put time & money into things- shoes to the menders etc.
  12. Put time into making your hair look good or get an easy care cut.
  13. Wear the make up you need and put it on well, not the whole kit n kaboodle 24/7
  14. Routine, routine, routine- assign jobs to arbitrary days of the week/month/year.
  15. Do things BEFORE you sit down & slump after work when you get home.
  16. Know what you are & aren't prepared to give up sleep, hobbies or lazy time for.
  17. Be prepared. My work handbag is a tank but it has mints, phone charger, pain killers, baby wipes & mini deodorant in and my make up bag brush bag has tweezers, nail file etc because I'm sometimes out from 8am-midnight. I don't drive to work or I'd keep some of it in the car. Got a first kit, sewing kit & spare toothbrush in my desk, too. Slim pack baby wipes in a plastic wipe box from jojo maman to stop them drying are an utter godsend, if they fit in your bag.
Illdealwithitinaminute · 17/08/2020 18:25

I am not one of these people, I look very put together as I prioritise my appearance (I feel better mentally and physically if I have nice clothes and hair), but I struggle with meal prep/planning and my house is clean but messy.

I have a friend who manages to work/ft, run an amazing home, go out with the children, always looks turned out. She is just very very organized, her job requires this and it's her talent in life. She doesn't run out of things, she's just very prepared. She's also a lovely person so I can't even say that she's sacrificed personality or friends!

Everyone has different talents, I'm very good at my job, but find it hard to multi-task, not everyone has it in them. If you don't then lists help but I don't think they can fully compensate for the fact you simply don't see mess/how to organize things. If it doesn't come naturally to you, I'd focus on improving one area like: housework, home, putting your all into your career, appearance, don't try to do all at once as you can't really.

Illdealwithitinaminute · 17/08/2020 18:27

MrsToothyBitch You sound fab, but when I read this list, I know it will never be me! I would get to the bit about preparing packed lunches at night and find we didn't have any bread. This happens to me all the time!

MrsToothyBitch · 17/08/2020 18:29

@Illdealwithitinaminute always have a spare loaf in the freezer!

sophiestew · 17/08/2020 18:30

I mean people that seem to be on the ball with most parts of their life, on time 99% of the time, never forget stuff, organised, in shape, great hair that's usually down and very rarely thrown up in a bun, great skin, well suited clothes, clean house, home cooked meals 90% of the time even if you both work, young DCs who don't look like they've been dragged through a hedge backwards after 5 mins of arriving somewhere, always fairly relaxed and never too frazzled.

I am incredibly organised and would tick most of your boxes most of the time. However, if something has to give, it's housework, and to be honest, very few people will witness that (especially at the moment!) for a few days.

Lots and lots of lists and well maintained diaries and calendars.

I get LOADS of sleep which I think helps. I am usually in bed by 9.30 and up at 6.30 so I get 9 hours and bound out of bed Grin

alangarneristerrifying · 17/08/2020 18:31

I have been told that I appear "put together" but I'm always confused as to why. I have dyspraxia, which makes my brain very scatty, so I think I over compensate a bit by having literally everything written down in a diary or in lists on my phone, and I like everything to be in its place. This means I can tell someone exactly where an item is in my cupboards, for example, or I can quickly check a date/ task on my list, rather than relying on my fairly non-existent short term memory. I also carry around everything one might need on a day to day basis, on the grounds that if I don't need it for that trip, then I will forget to pack in on the next, so I often have unexpectedly useful stuff in my bag - people don't realise this is a coping strategy and I'm lumping around so much crap! It's the same with having everything in its place - if things get messy, my executive functioning goes to pieces and I will just sit staring at it for hours (not an exaggeration) before I can work out where to begin. I don't have kids though, if I do, I suspect I'll quickly become a hot mess, bc the amount of lists and notes and stuff required to keep track of my brain would be impractical.

DorisDaisyMay · 17/08/2020 18:31

It is a combination and a culmination of lots of consistent and routine choices that converge and create synergy/compound effect!!

Plmoknijb123 · 17/08/2020 18:32

Most people I know who are put together have loads of money and outsource everything. Then they whinge about how busy they are and pretend that they do everything when really they just manage other people and brunch.

alangarneristerrifying · 17/08/2020 18:33

I also have my clothing in outfits that go together, bc although I quite like having nice clothes that work, it takes me too long to get dressed as it is without debating what to wear to look "put together". So no thinking about that on a daily! And my hair is the sort that mostly looks nicest loose (curly) and only requires washing a couple of times a week.

WaltzingBetty · 17/08/2020 18:39

I've realised as I've read this thread whilst eating a twirl, drinking red wine and browsing MN and Netflix that there may potentially be a link between my need for 'downtime' and not being 'put together' Grin

RandomUsernameHere · 17/08/2020 18:39

I'm very organised and diarise everything. I then scan ahead in my diary so I can be prepared. For example, if one of the kids has a birthday party to go to in two weeks' time, I order the present so it arrives in time. Likewise if the kids need anything for school or a particular event, it saves rushing around at the last minute.

toodlesmoon · 17/08/2020 18:59

Wow @BestZebbie that's super organised.

I know a couple exactly as @overweightcat describes. From what I can glean they stick strictly to routines & never get tired or spend time lazing about. The same day they returned from holiday they were pruning their garden bushes. I don't even know how to prune my potted plants & trees!

I look relatively put together but that's more because I have good hair which requires little effort. Bit flabby though. I just struggle to juggle all the plates, so if I'm on it at work & socialising the house gets neglected. If I concentrating on home cooking & healthy eating then socialising gets pushed out.

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