Lost confidence due to partners comment

[Anon2801]

Hi all,
Im really struggling with something and really need a bit of advice. I'm a slightly older woman than my partner who is 35 and we've been together for nearly two years. Last year, my partner said something to me that had such a big impact on my self esteem and really hurt my feelings, its affected our physical relationship simply because I am now so self conscious and have no self esteem left. He made a comment saying that I had a "badly packed kebab" which I learned was a derogatory term for a woman's genitals. My heart sank and I was shocked and i even started looking at surgery. Is it understandable to feel so hurt and self conscious by his comment or am I overreacting. It brings me to tears sometimes and I don't know what to do. Thank you.

This is so sad. You didn't notice before because your partners weren't childish, cruel men who felt the need to comment negatively on your body. Nothing has changed with your body, it's just as normal and natural and wonderful as before - the only thing that has changed is who you're with and what he has said.

I know how hard it can be to feel confident about your body, especially as you age; I've got wonky boobs from breastfeeding and a battle-scarred vulva from childbirth and everything is starting to droop with age. But my partner has only ever said lovely things and really it helps - because a partner should shore you up not grind you down.

And yes look at all the links posted and try to remember that you are nothing other than completely normal. I really hope you can start to feel better about yourself soon.

Knowing men and how utterly childish and easily led they are he probably heard this in a pub or off one of his mates and thought it was hilarious "banter".
A swift kick in the balls should dissuade him of that idea.

Oh Jesus. That’s his idea of a joke is it? To criticise a woman’s most intimate bodily parts? Dump this dickhead. How can he expect you to relax and feel comfortable with your perfectly normal body when his views are so stupid? Please have a look at this website, made by women for women to show what normal labias look like - they vary massively. My ex told me his ex came in under 5 minutes with oral unlike me, laughed when I got upset and it still makes me feel inadequate 24 years later. Don’t allow him to affect you like this. He’s toxic for your confidence.

Forgot the website! www.labialibrary.org.au/

Women on porn sites seem to have what looks like a paper cut as a fanny so some men have fucked up expectations!

There's a very popular porn woman called DominikaC, not a 'paper cut'.

What was the context of him saying this btw? He’s saying it’s a joke and not to take it seriously, so what - in his eyes - was funny about the situation or the way it was said? I’m just struggling to wrap my head round how he’s said that and then seemed surprised that you’ve taken it badly as I can’t imagine any woman having a good old laugh along with him.

I was astonished at your post.
However you must not take his vile, ignorant and stupid comments to heart.
Most kind and loving men are fully aware of the changes that women’s genitalia goes through either by childbirth, weight loss/gain, ageing etc...
And let’s not forget about some of the changes that men’s genitalia go through too.

The fact that your partner’s odious comment has left you feeling the way that you now do suggests that maybe , the time has come to rethink your relationship.
And yes... there are many, many men out there who will love you for you and not for what hangs, wibbles, scrunches, fanny-farts, extrudes, flaps, overgrows, slackens, tightens and dribbles between your legs.
I feel for you.

Jesus fuck @Moonmelodies - what is the actual point of you coming on to 'not all porn fannies are like that' on this thread?! Read the room!

How the hell did he even bring that up in conversation? What an arse

I was messaging a guy for a while and mentioned that both my children were born via c-sections.

If I recall his reply was "at least you won't look like a half eaten kebab" 😳

I must admit that wasn't my first thought when I was signing the consent forms for major surgery 🤔

We didn't talk again ...

It's sad to read how down on yourself you are OP. I really hope that you can leave this man who seems to contribute nothing but negativity to your life, and start to rebuild your confidence. You are worth more. Please please try to believe that, it is the truth. Don't waste more time in doubts and self hatred that are not justified. You deserve better.

Yuk. What a nasty man. Nothing wrong with you OP, he’s the one with a massive problem.

@MsEllany

Jesus fuck *@Moonmelodies* - what is the actual point of you coming on to 'not all porn fannies are like that' on this thread?! Read the room!

To point out that the preconception that 'porn only portrays featureless fanjos' is flawed.

Ewww he is grimy

Seriously, he is lucky he even had the privilege of looking at it.

He abused that privilege.

Too much porn leads to unrealistic expectations. If he cannot appreciate you exactly as you are then he is the problem, definitely not you.

What a vile specimen you found there.

We were being intimate at the time he said it, its so sad because sex to me is a really special thing, it's more than just sex, it's a way of bonding but it just made it feel cheap and nasty. I do know he's not right for me deep down, but leaving is easier said than done. It's odd because anyone else, and I'd have walked away instantly but with him it seems really difficult and I have no idea why. I've got a bit of thinking and planning to do. Thank you everyone, I sincerely mean that

Perhaps it's difficult with him because he has been sucking the confidence out of you like a vampire for the last couple of years. Pop on over to Relationships and describe yours in a little more detail.

What raven said - it isn't just this matter; he has sucked out your confidence and has got you into a position where you will likely give him credit for very little. Relationships is the place to go.

@Anon2801 Everything you say is sounding more and more like the twattish ex my sister and her partner helped me to leave; he had me so under his thumb my friends and family thought I'd had a personality transplant.

Despite some major challenges, overall I've had an interesting and, on balance, happy life since, certainly far, far happier than I would have if I'd stayed with him. I'll never forget something an older colleague said to me at the time I was with him: "If he makes you cry now, he'll always make you cry". If only I'd listened to those words at the time I could have saved myself so much sorrow. Very best of luck.

@Anon2801

We were being intimate at the time he said it, its so sad because sex to me is a really special thing, it's more than just sex, it's a way of bonding but it just made it feel cheap and nasty. I do know he's not right for me deep down, but leaving is easier said than done. It's odd because anyone else, and I'd have walked away instantly but with him it seems really difficult and I have no idea why. I've got a bit of thinking and planning to do. Thank you everyone, I sincerely mean that

I think your finding it difficult precisely because he's ruining your self esteem. The longer you stay with him, the worse its going to get, and yet the harder you'll find it to leave.

Get out now, you're never going to enjoy sex with this man again and he's obviously not a pleasant man to be around so why stay. What has he got to offer you? You deserve better.

Female genetalia comes in all shapes and sizes. Yes, some men will have preferences in what it looks like, and just like with any other aspect of attraction, those preferences are not going to be uniform across all men. I say this as a man who'd probably disagree quite strongly with your muppet of a partner on this.

What I'd say is uniform across 99% of men, is that that preference goes out the window very quickly in favour of being a massive fan of the genetalia they are looking at right now. We are so very happy that you're letting us see you naked.

If your partner was that put off by you, do you really think he'd stuck around for a second time? No, so by that logic, he's lying and saying things to hurt you. Ditch him, he's an arsehole

(Disclaimer: I've tried very very hard here to get my point across without sounding all "Hi, I'm a man and I reckon I'd love your lady bits!". I'm not sure I've succeeded, and if so I apologise, and invite the good people of Mumsnet to rinse me as a massive perv.)

Tell the shit he hasn’t small dick

To point out that the preconception that 'porn only portrays featureless fanjos' is flawed

Oh FFS, can we stop this ridiculous pretence that the massive social changes we are seeing around sex and women's views of their bodies are not because of the fact that most men and boys are raised on misogynistic porn in a sheer volume and of a type that didn't exist in the mainstream a generation ago.

I am in my late 40s. It has never in my life occurred to me to be self-conscious about the appearance of my genitals and I have watched aghast as I have become aware that younger women are.

If it is not from porn, where do you think this younger generation of men and women have developed this critical consciousness of the aesthetics of women's genitals? Cbeebies?

Keep talking to people on here. It sounds like you really need an outside perspective.

Great post @fdgdfgdfgdfg

That’s utterly disgusting. What a nasty little man. Leave him, you deserve better