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Original poster

Lost confidence due to partners comment

173 replies

Anon2801 · 17/08/2020 11:23

Hi all,
Im really struggling with something and really need a bit of advice. I'm a slightly older woman than my partner who is 35 and we've been together for nearly two years. Last year, my partner said something to me that had such a big impact on my self esteem and really hurt my feelings, its affected our physical relationship simply because I am now so self conscious and have no self esteem left. He made a comment saying that I had a "badly packed kebab" which I learned was a derogatory term for a woman's genitals. My heart sank and I was shocked and i even started looking at surgery. Is it understandable to feel so hurt and self conscious by his comment or am I overreacting. It brings me to tears sometimes and I don't know what to do. Thank you.

OP posts:
Claricestarling1 · 17/08/2020 14:19

This is one of the most awful comments I’ve ever heard, just absolutely vile. No it wasn’t a joke at all OP, it was meant to put you in your place as someone who should be “grateful” your could have a sexual partner i.e this revolting specimen you have been unfortunate enough to meet.
Dump this asshole, life is short and you will never forget that comment and nor should you. I’m so angry for you and you need to get angry too!! Yes you need surgery..the removal of this absolute zero from your life!

spearly · 17/08/2020 14:19

I am fortunate that I have never received any unkind comments, but just to add to the ladies on here who commented about the lady parts to say that I am the same. If it helps you feel better, i am not neat and pretty down there and lips hang noticeably below. I know we are all greatly different in how we look there and it is all perfectly normal, but society's ideals don't always help with how we feel about ourselves. However, I would not stay with anyone who made such an insensitive remark. I am sure his corresponding parts are not pretty, as nobody's are, but it is the love and respect we have for the other which is important not 'what we look like down there'. Wishing you well and please I hope hearing these views helps you to feel more confident,

FizzyGreenWater · 17/08/2020 14:23

Oh my God.

What a PIG.

OP, your say you're finding it hard to walk away - after only two years, you are making a BIG mistake. Please get that anger up and dump him.

Let me tell you something for definite: the kind of man that would even think something so nasty and misogynistic is never, ever going to be a good bet longer term. So you are wasting real precious time here. That comment is your canary singing in the mine. DON'T stay, get ever more entwined and then end up miserable into your forties with a nasty prick who likes pulling you down.

Ever heard of negging? That's what he's doing. It's a nasty insecure man tactic to keep women down, make barbed comments then be wide-eyed about it - 'Oh, it's nothing'. The idea is to get you all insecure yourself... so you stay with them.

He's horrible. Really horrible at heart, no matter how much pretending he's doing right now. Don't stay with a man like this.

81Byerley · 17/08/2020 14:25

@Rumbletumbleinmytummy hahahaha!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/08/2020 14:27

When you tried to explain how much it upset you, he got angry.
You deserve better

MrsToothyBitch · 17/08/2020 14:28

I couldn't stay with someone who had said that about me. It's cruel and I could never unhear it. I'd have to explain that and tell him to leave.

Diceroll · 17/08/2020 14:28

My vagina looks like a melted lasagna, but DH wouldn't ever say anything so derogatory to me. Get rid of him, he sounds disgusting. The fact that you feel you cannot leave, is he controlling or anything in other ways?

madcatladyforever · 17/08/2020 14:30

Badly packed kebab!!!! Shock he sounds like one of those teenagers off The Inbetweeners, are you sure he's 35 not 15? Does he call it "gash" as well.
Does he not realise that male genitals look ridiculous. I would find it difficult to have him in the huse after that, impossible in fact. He sounds incredibly juvenile.

MrsToothyBitch · 17/08/2020 14:30

Also the penis isn't exactly known for being beautiful. I'd perhaps remind him of this, too. Judge not lest ye be judged.

False standards works both ways.

wildcherries · 17/08/2020 14:34

What a disgusting thing to say. You don't need surgery, and you do not need to 'get over it' (ugh!)

You should get rid of him, though.

DowntonCrabby · 17/08/2020 14:37

You are worth so much more than this.
Please leave him Flowers

Original poster
Anon2801 · 17/08/2020 14:40

Thank you all so much for your comments. I've felt so alone with all of this and I'ts made me so incredibly down to the point that I felt hopeless. I really did start to feel like i was overreacting. It's caused problems ever since in our physical relationship because i feel so self conscious and insecure with my body, we've both stopped trying now, and when I mention my concerns about our physical relationship and how I he'll say he's now put off because I get upset and down and because I can't relax, which just makes me feel even worse and more hopeless. I honestly am so grateful that this site is here, it's feels like such a relief to big able to talk to other women, im a bit isolated where I live and haven't had anyone else to reach out to, thankyou allFlowers

OP posts:
Hopeisnotastrategy · 17/08/2020 14:47

How old is he, 14? He's vile OP, kick him into touch. 💐

ShebaShimmyShake · 17/08/2020 14:47

@Anon2801

Thank you all so much for your comments. I've felt so alone with all of this and I'ts made me so incredibly down to the point that I felt hopeless. I really did start to feel like i was overreacting. It's caused problems ever since in our physical relationship because i feel so self conscious and insecure with my body, we've both stopped trying now, and when I mention my concerns about our physical relationship and how I he'll say he's now put off because I get upset and down and because I can't relax, which just makes me feel even worse and more hopeless. I honestly am so grateful that this site is here, it's feels like such a relief to big able to talk to other women, im a bit isolated where I live and haven't had anyone else to reach out to, thankyou allFlowers
It's all your fault, isn't it?

It's not going to get better. Just get rid of this horrible misogynistic pig.

bbee12 · 17/08/2020 14:47

That is such a horrible thing to say, I'm so sorry :(, especially how he gets angry at you when you try to tell him it's upset you.

At the end of the day if he's not willing to accept he has hurt your feelings and comes out with comments like that, that you are on two different levels of maturity, and therefore probably not compatible.

You might be struggling to walk away as he has made you feel very self conscious, which has made you lack the confidence to walk away.

You deserve somebody that praises every part of you! I hope things get better for you soonFlowers

cordeliavorkosigan · 17/08/2020 14:48

Even if you got over the comment and even if your body changed he would still be a misogynist prick. He is probably undermining your confidence in other ways too. Seriously consider leaving, that level of derision of women and of you is a really bad sign.

TwentySixPointTwo · 17/08/2020 14:48

If I had a story that went: 'one day I told a joke that was so hurtful to the person I loved that they cried, started to think about having surgery to correct it and no longer felt safe taking their clothes off in front of me. My reaction to that was not to be heartbroken at causing that pain, not to apologise and do everything I could to undo the damage I had caused and instead was to get angry with them'... it would be clear who the "badly packed kebab" was.

CheetasOnFajitas · 17/08/2020 14:49

So he got angry when you said you felt hurt. He now says it’s your fault for putting him off sex. This on top of the original disgusting, immature, misogynistic comment.

People don’t say thing like that out of the blue. They say them because they are vile human beings who will not change.

End the relationship. You deserve better. And being single must be better than being with this arsehole.

Zaphodsotherhead · 17/08/2020 14:51

Almost worse than the kebab comment is him getting angry when you tried to tell him how it made you feel. So he's allowed to say what he likes, and you are 'wrong' to not like it?

Get shot of him. I bet he tells you how lucky you are to have a younger man, doesn't he? And tries to make out that other women are jealous and you should be glad he sticks around?

He sounds the type.

MrsApplepants · 17/08/2020 14:53

Please, please dump him.

YorkshireTeaIsTheBest · 17/08/2020 14:57

@peachgreen

Why the fuck didn't you instantly dump this disgusting pig? That's the only thing you need to change. What an utter prick.
This. I wouldn't want to be with him. Not surprised to felt awful and self conscious. Tell him his looks likes shrivelled sun dried tomato and you are going to find someone who appreciates a nice kebab!
loobyloo1234 · 17/08/2020 14:57

He sounds about 16 years old. Vile. My DP does nothing but compliment mine ... even though half the time it probably does look like a badly packed kebab

Get rid!

justasking111 · 17/08/2020 14:57

There is a painting by an artist female who painted a pile of vaginas all different, cannot remember who she is or I would put up the picture for you. He really is vile the funniest looking anatomy is the male one imo.

YorkshireTeaIsTheBest · 17/08/2020 14:58

@Rumbletumbleinmytummy

Tell him his pemis looks like a naked mole rat. That one. Do it when you have his penis in your hand, then drop it.

See how the nasty fucker likes that one.

I saw that picture just after I posted- please please do this -preferably by text and dump. Some things "can not be taken back"
Melroses · 17/08/2020 14:58

@Anon2801

Its such a relief to hear that my reaction is normal. When I've tried to explain how it's affected me, he gets angry and tells me he was joking and that I need to forget about it, but i simply can't. I do know that i shouldn't put up with some of the things he says but for some reason, im finding it really hard to just walk away, whereas in other psst relationships, it wouldn't have been a problem, and i cant understand why this is affecting me so much.
It sounds like he is really knocking your self-esteem in so many ways. There must be a lot of emotional pushing and pulling from him.

Hie thee to the Relationships board for a bit of advice on how to avoid men like this (and dump him).

Flowers