Lost confidence due to partners comment

[Anon2801]

Hi all,
Im really struggling with something and really need a bit of advice. I'm a slightly older woman than my partner who is 35 and we've been together for nearly two years. Last year, my partner said something to me that had such a big impact on my self esteem and really hurt my feelings, its affected our physical relationship simply because I am now so self conscious and have no self esteem left. He made a comment saying that I had a "badly packed kebab" which I learned was a derogatory term for a woman's genitals. My heart sank and I was shocked and i even started looking at surgery. Is it understandable to feel so hurt and self conscious by his comment or am I overreacting. It brings me to tears sometimes and I don't know what to do. Thank you.

@VettiyaIruken

You do need surgery. You need a wankerectomy.

THIS /\

Remove the toxic shite.

How would he feel if you made some unpleasant remark about his anatomy? And then got cross when he said it upset him?

I suspect he’d be pretty unhappy. Knowing how sensitive men can be about their dicks. There is a possibility he really did mean it as a ‘humorous’ reference to your bits - something like axe wound* - but missed the mark. But it’s not up to him to decide you shouldn’t be upset about it; it’s up to him to have a really heartfelt conversation and explain he was trying for brevity and missed the mark completely.

*I don’t think that’s a nice thing to say either but it’s not as evocative as what he did say.

Seriously OP, a guy I shagged told me I didn't impress his cock. This told me everything I needed to know about him. And nothing about my ability in bed.

The old adage is true, these comments really do tell you about the person who said them and nothing about yourself. There really are sad pathetic men who need to make themselves feel big by putting their sexual partners down.

Do not let him live rent free in your head. Let the comment hurt because it was motivated by meaness, then get angry, then get rid of him.

Move onto another guy.

'You're right. I really do need to stop letting all the negative shit have space in my life. Err... afraid that means that you're the first to go. Bye!!!!!'

Fuck him off OP, leave the sorry bastard.

It wasn't a joke.

Is he Brad Pitt or any of a number of so called 'heartthrobs'? No? Does he have a perfect body? No? Then he needs to STFU.

Perhaps he's come across this expression on a laddish/blokey humour page and repeated it because he thought it funny, without any malice. Stupid and thoughtless rather than intentional.

Had similar from my former DH, who once called me 'Thunder Thighs' soon after I'd given birth to his child.

I felt crushed and humiliated and after over 40 years I'm still angry. How dare he!
I don't think I ever mentioned it to him, I was so hurt. I couldn't even have got the words out without crying.

However, as I mentioned, it's possible that the ex DH thought repeating the remark was witty and didn't mean it personally.
He was still a dickhead though.

though he's apologised, he just gets defensive and tells me it was a joke and that I need to forget it and stop focusing on the negatives whatever that means

That's not an apology. If he understood what he had said, he would understand why you are so offended. An apology would look something like this, ' I'm so sorry, what I said was immature and nasty. I should have been better man than to let myself get so influenced by misogynistic lad culture that I repeated such a phrase.
It's a disgusting phrase and I was disgusting to say it. I completely understand why you feel you can't be trusting and intimate with me.
I take complete responsibility for this. (here he should assert ways he finds all of you beautiful arousing). I will understand if you can't be with me anymore. I am so sorry.'

That's an apology. Not, 'I'm sorry, right, now its time to move on - you need to get over this and relax so that I can enjoy fucking you again.'

Brilliant post @unimpressorofcocks

OP, listen to the advice.

This man is crippling your confidence and self-esteem and you are letting him.

Get rid!

He is a disgusting, misogynistic pig. The best time to have dumped him would have been the second that comment left his vile lips. The second best time is now.

@VettiyaIruken did you mean you don't?!?? 😂

That's horrendous of him.

As someone who also has longer labia minora it is deeply hurtful to have them commented on negatively. It's not something we can help and nor is it a defect or caused by age, sexual history or anything else.

To be commented on so crassly, in such a hideous way would be the end for me. How would he have felt if you'd have said he had a tiny/ugly penis?

He doesn't respect women or our bodies and I would have honestly been heartbroken at such a disgusting comment.

Tell him to go fuck himself.

@Juno231

It's an awful term yes - but it's a generic one? As in it's no different than hairy axe wound, bacon rose etc - when used it's not meant to describe what YOUR fifi looks like, it's just a jokey word for it.

I would never take that personally tbh, much like if I had referred to him playing the skin flute I wouldn't expect him to interpret that as it actually looking like a skin flute??

I've found that it is never an insult used against innie vaginas. You should be offended.

@Juno231 how would your partner react if you told him he had a button mushroom? Fine because it’s a generic term, or would he be upset? Especially when you’re not long in the relationship?

In the words of Florence Given ‘it’s a wonderful day to dump him’.

Comments like the ones he made are the reason I’m single. I can’t bear how men so freely criticise the female anatomy and this is just so normal in our society. He sounds like a total bell end and to be honest how he ever expects you to have sex with him ever again after that comment is just a total fucking audacity.

Read the book ‘women don’t owe you pretty’. It’ll change your life and steer you a way from losers like that.
You deserve far, far better.

And how he has the nerve to tell you to stop focusing on the negative, vile and demeaning comment he made is even more insane.
Women need to feel sexy psychologically as well as physically to enjoy sex. He sounds like a Neanderthal who just expects his sexual needs to be satisfied regardless of how he makes his partner feel because that’s just your ‘role’, to accept his bullshit.
Please dump.
Don’t delay.

I think the hardest thing in all this is that I used to be pretty confident and generally happy with myself on the whole, especially being nearly 40 but now that has all completely changed, I feel like an empty shell. I wasn't even aware of these terms prior to meeting him and the fact that I had the bits that hung lower, i didn't even notice! And now, it's all i can focus on, I can't even look in the mirror after a bath or shower without breaking down in tears now.

Ignorance is definitely bliss sometimes...

My ex said i ‘had a lot of beef’ essentially meaning the same thing. Been paranoid ever since! Although my husband doesn’t seem to mind or care- but then he isnt a cunt like the ex! Women on porn sites seem to have what looks like a paper cut as a fanny so some men have fucked up expectations! Have my first LTB XXX

I used to be pretty confident and generally happy with myself on the whole, especially being nearly 40 but now that has all completely changed, I feel like an empty shell.

That's what two years of being with this twat has done to you.

LEAVE!! For fuck's sake. Leave.

Can't you see, it's more than one comment. If you were in a happy, supportive relationship where your lovely, much trusted partner made one slightly WTF comment - you wouldn't be reacting like this. You wouldn't NEED to react like this, the comment WOULDN'T have made you feel the way you do right now because you'd still be that happy confident person who would laugh and say 'Well yep, woo hoo, call the papers, I don't have a 20-year-old's body any more!' Because he would make you feel better about yourself, not shit.

(Note: I can't actually use the words he did say as an example because they're so completely nasty and vindictive, designed to hurt, that it wouldn't be realistic to imagine a decent proper partner saying them stupidly or unthinkingly, so it does rather fall down as an example, but there you go. Think more generally )

You feel like you do because this will be one of a hundred little things he's said, looks he's given, sarcastic laughs he's made, silences he's let fall where a generous laugh should be. All because this isn't a nice person, this is the equivalent of being in the company of the school bully, or that bitch of a 'friend' who always competes with you, or the bad-tempered twat who screams at you at the traffic lights because he's had a bad day, so let's take it out on a stranger. He's all those people.

Please don't be so blind as to think 'I can't waste two years' and stay with a dickhead like this. What will you be wasting?!

I guarantee you all your friends will dislike him. Or maybe they'll think he's funny or entertaining but they wouldn't want to be with him.

You can 100% do better and be happier. Dump him.

@Bumbrella

Say his dick looks like a wonky baby carrot from Morrison’s and dump him.

Seriously though OP, have my first ever LTB.

Oh and also, what he says is pish!!!!

Mine certainly isn't at all neat or tiny.

I don't give a shit.

Neither does my DH. I'm also sure he doesn't sit there worrying about how low his ball sack hangs either, and whether it's lower/higher/too much one way or whatever.

You need to get OUT of this destructive nonsense you're thinking. Because it is, total, total nonsense. Start here. Have a look. There's no such thing as normal. Everything is normal. There's also no such thing as 'better'.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/resources/idt-sh/Why_I_Photographed_100_Vulvas

Your genitals look exactly the way they are supposed to, you don't need surgery or anything else. Perhaps he was joking but it's a horrible mysogynistic thing to say and not remotely funny. It has obviously ruined your relationship, if you can't get past it i think you need to end things.

Urrrrggghh! I read this out to my partner as I had no idea what that comment even means, and he said your OH sounds like a total prick and you need to dump his sorry arse. There are nice, kind men out there who don't need to make you feel bad to make themselves feel good, don't waste any more time on this dude (and certainly please don't get surgery!)