AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

[StupidArgument]

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

Hello, thank you for your lovely messages, sorry for not updating on here sooner but internet was patchy while we were away and everything has been hectic.

DH was really lovely to me all weekend to be fair, and he didn't make me go on the 11 mile walk again. In fact, he left me to it in bed so I could have a lie in and went on his own without a fuss, came back and made me breakfast. He bought a washing up bowl to soak my achy feet in, he cooked all the meals we had and washed up too.

I feel really overwhelmed and so torn. It hasn't made me doubt my decision, in fact being back at work today reaffirmed it but it has made me feel worse about planning to leave. I feel really emotional writing this actually and thinking back over the weekend. My guilt level is through the roof.

Would you rather look back in a year and think:
A, thank god I didn't leave I'd have felt so guilty. Such a shame I can't go to bed when I want
Or
B, I'm so glad I left, there was upheaval for a while but we're both in better places now and I hope we can both find someone who treats us right.

All completely natural feelings. It's okay to feel that.

Glad to see that you're okay.

OP,

I know this must be hard to believe but his about turn are the actions of an abuser who knows he's over played his hand.

Believe me, he knows something has changed in you.
He can see a flicker of light and knows that he is loosing control.
Protect all accounts.
Make sure your phone is secure.

He is not a good man.
It's so clear from your writing that YOU don't recognise this kind man, his actions and considerations being so out of character.

That's because it isn't him.
It's the persona that he is adopting because he sees you slipping away.

Carry on making your plans.
Be safe.
Be free.

My goodness. This always seems to happen with these selfish men! It's like they know on some level. They sense a shift. And they want to put a stop to it. Of course once they feel safe again they go back to their usual selves - with extra resentment re what 'you put them through'.

If you didn't have this course place it would be different. But I think you know it would be mad to give that up.

Of course if he really pulls out the stops acting wise and you feel torn you can always do all of your prep and then tell him about the course. He will then show his true colours or start sabotaging it and you can walk away with peace of mind.

I think he will go for the bargaining personally. 'If you put it off for a year we can do x snd y snd I will have time to hire' don't listen as there's are hundreds of people out there looking.

What billy1966 said.

Be very careful about passwords, etc.

It's striking that you include 'he didn't make me go on the 11 mile walk again' under the heading 'Nice things H did this weekend'.

It's called hoovering and it is a critical part of the cycle of abuse.

Every single abuser does it to varying degrees once they sense that they have pushed their partner a step too far in the manipulation/abuse/control dance and in doing so have unwittingly managed to shake their partner out of the emotional and psychological fog which usually works so handily to keep them under the abuser's control.

You're finally seeing him for what he is; his actions for what they are, and your compliance is no longer absolute or unthinking. And he can sense that.

You are the proverbial frog looking around and saying "You know what, this water is fucking boiling and this pot is fucking tiny and I am not going to allow myself to be consumed".

And he's the chef, throwing in pinches of salt and ladling you with butter and cream and tarragon and whatnot, desperately trying all weekend to convince you that it's comfortable and safe and luxurious to be contained here under his overlordship so that you'll go back to doing what is familiar to you, i.e. serving your life and mental health up for his benefit.

....Possibly took the metaphor too far.

At first I was going to say 'holy shit balls you're only 33 and living like this?!' 😱 but I feel so much for your situation. I'm 33 and this is NOT how we live. You're still young. Reading through, you've had an awful 15yrs with him. You basically got together too young and haven't had any worldly experience of relationships. I know how you feel. I was with my ex from age 16-22 and things never evolved. Its like living with a child. It took me SO long to end the relationship. I got a place at uni and used that as an excuse to leave. I literally did it over text, then phone call, then face to face when the news had sunk in. He wasn't an aggressive man at all though. My first year single was the best time of my life...I wish it had lasted longer! 😂 I'm happily married now with baby number 3 on the way, and have just bought our dream home, but I'd never be here if I didn't go through that gut wrenching experience of leaving. The ugly crying. Heartbreak. Trying to talk myself out of it last minute. You have to do it. The experience has helped me be strong in many other areas of my life as well. I'm far more fearless and fun than I used to be. Far more of a leader than a follower now. And I don't take shit from any man or woman 😂 (which is good because my MIL is a right piece of work)
Don't be afraid to text him to break up with him though. You never owe anyone a sit down break up. It's 2020. No one wins medals for being the nicest most respectful doormat. Get some attitude 😆

I totally agree he’s twigged something is up and he’s acting all sweet.

Keep your council.

He has trained you your whole adult life to put his feelings first and to be obedient.

As a result you WILL feel guilty for leaving him. Pretty much everyone leaving a toxic relationship, even parents and children feel it. That's part of the FOG.

All I can advise is to let the fear and guilt wash over you. Don't fight the emotions. Let them happen. Carry on with your chosen actions regardless. Feel the fear and do it anyway (which is an utterly brillant book btw).

It's hard when out of the blue he is sweetness and light, but hold on to your resolve to go for a better life. It is part of the cycle of abuse, so that you think well maybe it's not so bad, but it is, and it will start up again. Keep going with your plans, don't leave them til he starts his unpleasantness again
Don't dismiss the freedom programme, not might not seem a good time to start it, but even though I was out of the abusive relationship when I did it it truly helped me understand so many things that has happened in our relationship, right from the word go, things that seemed just odd were actually manifestations of control. Doing it before you embark on any other relationship will help you spot red flags before you get too involved, there are follow on courses which help you move on. If ever I decide I want to start another relationship I feel confident that I could recognise subtle signs of abuse and control early and would not end up in another controlling relationship.
You deserve a good relationship that lets you stretch your wings rather than clips them

I bet mr nice guy would disappear fairly sharply if you were to mention how unhappy you were in your job and wanted to leave.

He senses the shift, you detaching, or he's found mumsnet.

Probably the first, and he's trying to reel you back in to line.

It is the nice nasty cycle.

Make sure of your uni place. Make sure that all the correspondence comes directly to you and to no one else. Make sure that you ring and tell them this. Tell student support your situation and make sure that he can't intervene. Put a reliable other person down as your key contact. Congratulations on your uni place. Dont you need to apply for a student loan? Ring up the uni support people and ask advice. Don't make assumptions. Speak to the right departments as admissions are only well informed about admissions. Best of luck

ps. I'd set up a PO Box number to collect your uni mail or direct it to a trustworthy relative. If you have your current home address on your form, change it.

I'm so glad your weekend wasn't a total nightmare OP.

Though, as another poster has said, it really was telling that you said not forcing you to do another 11 mile walk was listed under the 'nice' things he'd done for you

He's definitely upping the stakes as he knows you're changing and he's not in control at the moment..................but he's only doing it so he can get back in control of you. He has not changed who he is as a person. Why on earth would he, when he's always right ?

He will turn nasty again once he realizes that you're not changing your mind about the divorce (and he doesn't even know about the course yet or that you're also leaving your job).

Prepare yourself for the rapid 180 degree about turn change (back) coming. Do not tell him anything when you are alone with him as your children need you safe and well.

He's 'invested' a lot of years getting you to the point of being under his total control, and he's not going to let you go easily. At the moment he thinks that playing 'nice' for a few weeks and showing 'willing' by going to counselling will be enough to dissolve your determination and make you revert to your 'usual' self i.e. revert back to being his personal puppet.

As soon as he finds out that the 'changes' you are making also include quitting working for him, starting a uni course and him moving out physically, he will try everything/ anything he can think of to force you to submit again (often resorting to violence or/and emotional blackmail eg. suicide threats/ abandoning kids etc.

Remember, you are not happy with the life you've lived with him controlling you.

you deserve to be happy, and you do not owe him any explanations.
You have repeatedly told him you're not happy, and he hasn't given a shiny shite, has he ??
He has got you thinking that not 'forcing' you to do something, is him being nice FFS ! remember that.

@ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore

He senses the shift, you detaching, or he's found mumsnet.

Probably the first, and he's trying to reel you back in to line.

I thought exactly this ... he has found this post .

He has so much control over all aspects of your life , why would he not be monitoring your phone / tablet ?

I would change all passwords and unsync all your devices ... I wouldn't be at all surprised if he has synced his device to yours .

I had an update on my safeguard training today and interestingly reporting numbers on DV are down in my area of work which goes against what we are hearing in the media ... if anything we have been told to be just as vigilant as the current Covid situation is masking real numbers as there are fewer opportunities to report / reach out for help when you are with your abuser for lengths of time ... you immediately came to mind : working in an isolated way , lack of contact with others independent of your abuser , micro managed at all times .

I don't think he's found the post, I don't think he would be able to not say anything if he had and I've been really careful.

I agree that it might be because he's sensed a shift though. I haven't been very affectionate at all since the incident happened, and I have a bit of a hard time making eye contact/looking at him at the minute. I'm trying to keep going as normally as possible until I can leave, but I really wish I could just go now actually. It's making me feel sick hanging on.

@Ce7913 I love how far you took the metaphor

@StupidArgument

I don't think he's found the post, I don't think he would be able to not say anything if he had and I've been really careful.

I agree that it might be because he's sensed a shift though. I haven't been very affectionate at all since the incident happened, and I have a bit of a hard time making eye contact/looking at him at the minute. I'm trying to keep going as normally as possible until I can leave, but I really wish I could just go now actually. It's making me feel sick hanging on.

That's good but maybe just change your passwords just further safeguard yourself .

I’ve just read all your posts OP, I really hope you keep your strength and leave him It’s so plain to see from the outside how unhealthy this relationship is. It’s just not normal to be treated like this. He thinks he’s the boss of you. I really really really hope you get through this and enjoy your new life. Please don’t have a long talk when you break up, you need to do it quickly and go - your instincts to talk it through might be fine in a “normal” rational break up but this is anything but that, and he will control the conversation, you know he will. Don’t put yourself in that situation.

Good luck and keep posting

I agree he can sense you pulling away and is trying to reel you back in with the nice guy act.

Is there any way you can leave now? As in, can you go and stay with parents or friends? I can understand how much of a strain this must be for you. Hope you can see a solicitor and make more plans, knowledge is power! 💐

Hope you're ok OP, been following your story from the start and I really wish you the courage it takes to start again. I've done it and it was so worth it.