AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

[StupidArgument]

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

He'll 'let' you do a pottery course???? Yeah right! Time to take control of your life, once and for all.

Oh dear. You have lived in captivity for so long that now the door is open you are retreating to a back corner while eyeing the open door with suspicion.

Your last post read like: ^I told him I want to be outside of the cage all day on weekdays and he didn't scream at me, sulk at me or hurt me in any way, so I am thinking he is actually a nice guy. He did not grant permission of course but he did say I could leave the cage one night a week for one hour to an approved location for an approved purpose (womanly skills). He also explained that the outside is awful and I will hate it.

@TorkTorkBam You have lived in captivity for so long that now the door is open you are retreating to a back corner while eyeing the open door with suspicion.

You're absolutely right. I've never had any freedom at all. I went straight from overbearing parents to an overbearing husband.

The cage analogy is exactly how I feel sometimes. I feel like I'm a hamster trapped in a cage, and it's a beautiful cage and I have a hamster wheel and toys and the best hamster food and I get taken out from time to time but I'm still sat here in a cage.

@reader12 thank you. I have always wanted to be a teacher. I had a job a few years ago working with primary aged children and I loved it so much. I do feel like being a teacher is something I could be good at and I know it will be hard work and stressful, but I am working somewhere hard and stressful now too so I feel like I will be able to handle it, and I know I would find working with children rewarding.

In a worse case scenario even if I hate it, I will know that and I will have tried and won't be on my death bed looking back and thinking "what if?"

@Ladybyrd I agree with everything you said about my Mum. If it came down to it I know she would be on my side and support me either way. But she's one for playing it safe too. She and my Dad struggled with money for a lot of their life, and we don't have to in the same way and I think she thinks of that. She also did a lot for my Dad, made him his packed lunch every single day for example, and did most of the housework, so she doesn't see anything wrong with things like that either.

Well done for making your side hustle your main job! Especially as a writer, I'm sure it's not easy.

I hope you are angry and insulted at him giving you permission to do a course one night per week

We have 4 DC and even when all little we never asked for permission, we checked in with each other if one of us doing xyz could work on a practical level!

@mathanxiety How the heck did he know about the teaching course?

Sorry I realise I wasn't totally clear about this. He didn't know about the course, but teaching in general got brought up as he asked me what I would do if I didn't work for him. I said "I'm not sure but you know I've always wanted to be a teacher, I could look into that" and that's when he said about people wanting to leave the profession and that I don't know my own mind etc.

I think deep down I was hoping he'd say to me "I understand, you should go and be a teacher as I know that's always been what you've really wanted" and give me permission to do it and then I could justify not leaving him. But really, the conversation went how I would have expected it to.

I have always had to get permission from him for things. I really need a new phone, I've had mine for 6 years now and it's just not working very well. I dropped it and smashed the screen and the battery started expanding and splitting the phone in two. I had a conversation with DH about it and we looked at phones together, he said why don't you get this Samsung? I said I'd think about it but the next day I decided actually I just wanted another iphone and it was the same price as the other one so I ordered it. I told him when he came home from work and he really kicked off and said we couldn't afford it and I would just have to repair my old one. But he was fine with me getting a Samsung, it was because he doesn't like Apple products, he didn't want me to have an iphone. I could have easily afforded to buy it out of my wages.

He’ll ‘let’ you do a class?! Ffs. Stay strong and get out

I hope you've woken up this morning having really thought about his repsonse

To his credit, he did say I could leave if I wanted He would give you permission to do what you wnat!!

and he didn't bring up money or dividing finances or anything. He deosn't have to. He doesn't belive you are going anywhere

He also offered to let me do a course during the week, like a sewing or pottery class or something. OMG! You can craft but not have an actual job!

It was clear he wanted me to carry on working for him though. Yep! As that's a safe place to keep you!

Get the phone you want. And when that debt is cleared RUN ->

I really empathise with you having to hear all the "you don't know your own mind" business.

I understand how confusing this all is for you, but I hope you are keeping focused on your goal.

You are an adult, you are allowed to make your own choices, and even your own mistakes.

So maybe you try teaching and in the end it's hard? You'll find something else. Anything would be better than what you have now, I promise !

Do you have your new phone?

If not order it today.

Who the f*ck does he think he is???

I am seething!!!

I have always had to get permission from him for things.

You really do live in a cage.
Every time he treats you like this you shrink a little bit more, till no fight in you is left.

"You don't know your own mind"

You do, you want to work with children AND you want to do that via giving teaching a go.

In a worse case scenario even if I hate it, I will know that and I will have tried and won't be on my death bed looking back and thinking "what if?"

You are absolutely correct about this.

Please please don’t get cold feet. You’ve a brilliant opportunity to change your life and be free of this man. He is absolutely awful and his behaviour will only get worse, he is never going to suddenly become a decent person. Anybody who wants control over another person is deeply flawed.

You’ll make a fantastic teacher and have such a good future ahead of you.

You deserve freedom, and I bet you’re right that you’d be a brilliant teacher. You’ve had all thIs experience of reading people to survive and figuring out how to keep the peace - managing a classroom will come naturally! I’m cheering you on!

One more thought - I’m not sure if living in student halls would be ideal - I went to uni at 23 and already at that age couldn’t really connect with the 18 year olds so felt a bit trapped living in halls. If you live somewhere near the uni but separate and look into local groups like stitch & bitch and the women’s institute & student societies I bet you will make friends quickly. And you will be able to reconnect with your old friends without waiting for his say so, and rediscover that fun silly part of you that’s been in hiding for so long. Good luck!

Can he cut off your money supply?

Please go back and read your first posts OP, and remember how you felt when you wrote them. I've swapped and changed jobs throughout my adult life and then went to uni' at the grand age of 43! DH didn't think I would stick with it. I was working at the same time so it took me 5 long years, but I graduated with a First. It wasn't easy, it wasn't always enjoyable and exams were terrifying, but I proved I could stick with something. I don't use my degree but doing it changed my life - new interests, new friends and a confidence I never had before.

Come on OP, you can do this.

Bitch and fuck off are unacceptable IMO and way worse than anything you said. He should be the one apologising.

He also offered to let me do a course during the week, like a sewing or pottery class or something.

What the hell? He's a twat. He will "let" you do it?! He's gas lighting you about saying he will leave you if you stop working for him. You know what he said. Him denying it was a destabilising tactic. He's trying to put you on the wrong foot.

He reacted how you knew he would. So as someone said he is not your friend. Don't tell him what you're doing. Don't give him the opportunity to talk him out of what you want to do - you do know your own mind. You just don't trust yourself because you've never been allowed to test yourself. Now is the time :)

I think you know your own mind pretty well, OP. You know what you want and have already started the process of making it happen, you are so, so close to realising your dream of becoming a teacher, and I bet you will be great at it. You've already taken the first few steps to your new life, and so you should, you deserve it. Keep that vision of the path in front of you and don't look back.

Any decent man would be saying these things and rooting for you to be the best and happiest version of yourself. Your husband does none of those things, he wants to keep the version of you that suits him at the expense of your dream, ambition and happiness. You've told him what you want but has tried to negotiate with a fraction of your expectations, throwing you a few crumbs of happiness, but not too much, he doesn't want to change his version of you. Why would he? Everything you're doing at the moment is for his benefit, his ambition, his happiness.

Keep going in the right direction, OP, and don't feel guilty, he doesn't feel guilty trying to keeping you in your place.

wow he'll let you d a course will he thats big of him

hes trying to put you off leaving the job as he doesnt know the rest of it yet-i really would have someone with you when you tell him if he goes mad over a phone god know what he'll do when you say youre leaving

I didn't tell him about the course or about the issues I have with him, it was more centred around work. I did tell him how unhappy I've been feeling, how stressed and anxious. I told him about the physical side effects I've had with it all.

Long story short: he still wants me to work for him

So you told your 'D' H, who supposedly loves you more than anyone else in the world, who should care about your wellbeing as his priority, this ^
And his response is to tell you to carry on doing the thing that makes you physically and mentally ill

He's absolute scum.