AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

[StupidArgument]

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

[quote StupidArgument]@TorkTorkBam no, I'm not going to. Not more than a couple of nights at the most anyway.[/quote]

If he turned up at your mothers' when you were there would she let him in? Because she obviously sees a different person to the one you do. Or would she support you and say that no, he can't come in you don't want to see him?

Would it be possible to stay with your sister those couple of nights instead?

The best plan, if you can, would be to go straight to student accommodation. Keep on going OP! 🌹

I sincerely hope your mum won't decide to take your H aside and tell him to talk sense into you about the course.

She now has the power to throw a huge spanner into the works.

Are you resolved to walk out if she does this and he confronts you?

I've just read all your posts OP having read the first few when you started the thread and I wanted to say wow! You are amazing and strong and brilliant. Best of luck with the PGCE and the next stage of your life! You will smash it.

God my ex was like this. Gas lighting, coercing me into doing things i didn't want to do under the threat of his mood swings, a bit too handy with me - touching me when and where i didn't want to be touched (which was him saying if i didn't do what he wanted he would be capable of hitting me) It ended with him sexually assaulting me while i was asleep and i dumped him. Luckily we weren't married and didn't live together but it sounds like you have options. I'm married to the most amazing man now. Your dreams are not going to come true while you're shackled to this controlling, petty man. Get rid of him and then you can do whatever you want to do for the rest of your life. Go for it. Imagine a year from now - coming home from a teaching placement, into your own peaceful home, going to bed when you want, going out when you want and no need to ask anyone or worry about moods. Tell your sister what's going on. Don't rely on your mum.

Sorry, StupidArgument, I realise my post was a bit vague! I meant that she doesn’t seem to support you in what you want. Or hear what you need to say. She had an idea of what is best for you rather than meets you where you’re at. I wonder if this has influenced you at all in your decision making over the years. If our parents don’t listen to us as kids and acknowledge our feelings, then we learn to ignore them as adults. Learn to suppress them and that they’re not valid.

I've read still your posts OP and wish you nothing but the best!

Still = all

In fairness to your mum, I can quite understand why she isn't applauding, saying LTB. As you say, she doesn't know the extent of it. You've been together for 15 years, didn't you say? She may well be sad to see the end of the relationship. It seems quite clear he's coercive in a very subtle way - so much so you struggled to see it yourself until recently. I'll bet she hasn't got the faintest idea.

My mum is one for playing it safe. I remember her being proud as punch that I was going for a job as a secretary at the hospital - a nice stable job and all that. I put off transitioning to my side hustle for years because I knew she wouldn't approve, but I kept getting offers I couldn't refuse. Now I'm a freelance writer, and doing well. I love it.

Follow your heart, OP. You can do this.

As you said it sounds like your Mum hasn’t realised the full extent of the abuse your ‘D’H has put you through or how toxic aspects of the relationship have been. It sounds like the course is something you really want to do though and it’s really positive that you’re able to move towards something new and build a better life for yourself. Well done and good luck.

I ended up having a conversation with DH tonight, and I told him how unhappy I've been. I didn't mean to, it kind of just all came tumbling out.

I didn't tell him about the course or about the issues I have with him, it was more centred around work. I did tell him how unhappy I've been feeling, how stressed and anxious. I told him about the physical side effects I've had with it all.

Long story short: he still wants me to work for him. He brought up some things which made me doubt myself about the course, mainly about how a lot of teachers we know say they wish they could leave the profession, but also expressed doubts due to me being unhappy in jobs that I had before I started working for him, and that I had a lot of jobs that I changed through when I was younger.

He also tried to say that he'd never said he would leave me if I left the job, but I told him he definitely did.

To his credit, he did say I could leave if I wanted and he didn't bring up money or dividing finances or anything. He also offered to let me do a course during the week, like a sewing or pottery class or something. It was clear he wanted me to carry on working for him though.

I wish I'd never said anything now because I'm really doubting myself. I'm doing the right thing, aren't I?

Of course he is going to make you doubt yourself - it's on his interests to keep you at your little station.

You go for it girl follow the dreams!

Keep an eye on the funds now though incase his has any inkling of your plans! The sooner you escape the better!

Thank you @LittleOwl153

I just wish I knew my own mind better. I've been told what to do by one person or another my whole life and I feel like it's left me incapable of making decisions or trusting my own judgement.

Did his words make you feel happy? Did what he said about a pottery class make you jump with joy?
I think you need to get away and really think about what you want from your future.

Not everyone is cut out for teaching, yet many do it their whole lives. Plus a degree will give you options if you decide to leave teaching.

He’ll let you do a pottery course? Fuck off, patronising cunt. Who does he think he is?

OP don’t listen to him. he’s just the embodiment of that nasty little nagging doubt voice in your head. His voice is no more truthful than that.

Don’t throw away your brilliant opportunity because someone else doesn’t want you to have it.

Find your anger OP. he’s trying to sabotage you.

Yes, you are. And he has just shown, yet again, what a nasty, coersive, controlling, abusive shit he really is.

He does not want you to stop working for him. He doesn't care if you're miserable as long as you keep working for him. You can do a little pottery class out of work time but must keep working for him otherwise.

He's not being magnanimous, he's being a selfish dick.

You don't want to do a sewing or pottery course though, do you? You want to get away from his control and do a teacher training degree!
He's controlling you, yet again. Telling you what course you are allowed to do! Not what you want, but what he is willing to let you do.

Just say no. Go and live your life. Not what he says your life must be.

He is manipulating you. Don't allow him!

Your wording sounds like a minor describing a negotiation with their parent:
...
He also offered to let me do a course during the week, like a sewing or pottery class or something. It was clear he wanted me to carry on working for him though.
...
Thats not how equal partners talk about their career options and dreams. Just reading this makes me wish so very much for you to outgrow this oppressive relationship, he is trying to get you back into your box, but please just run! Leave quickly, never look back.

He will “let” you do a pottery course? Who does he think he is? It isn’t up to him to approve or give permission for suitable activities for you.

I think it makes perfect sense that you don’t entirely know your own mind because you’ve always had someone telling you what to do. But you do know in your heart of hearts that you want to do this teaching course. Please don’t let him undermine you. It doesn’t matter that you know some people who are disillusioned with the teaching profession. There are many, many teachers who love their jobs. But even if you end up deciding that teaching isn’t for you, the point is you want to try, and the decision should be yours alone. Don’t get cold feet now (though it’s natural to second guess yourself). You can do it!

I didn't tell him about the course or about the issues I have with him, it was more centred around work. I did tell him how unhappy I've been feeling, how stressed and anxious. I told him about the physical side effects I've had with it all.

Long story short: he still wants me to work for him. He brought up some things which made me doubt myself about the course, mainly about how a lot of teachers we know say they wish they could leave the profession but also expressed doubts due to me being unhappy in jobs that I had before I started working for him, and that I had a lot of jobs that I changed through when I was younger.

He also tried to say that he'd never said he would leave me if I left the job, but I told him he definitely did.

To his credit, he did say I could leave if I wanted and he didn't bring up money or dividing finances or anything. He also offered to let me do a course during the week, like a sewing or pottery class or something. It was clear he wanted me to carry on working for him though.

@StupidArgument

First, yes, you are doing the right thing.

But you MUST STOP TALKING TO HIM.

How the heck did he know about the teaching course?

You are using the language of a subordinate. He 'let you' do a pottery course, or a sewing course?
You report this with no hint of sarcasm. You say this with no trace of consciousness that 'letting you' and its corollary 'not letting you' isn't his role. He doesn't get to give or withhold permission.
You seem to have completely lost sight of any awareness you may ever have had of yourself as an adult with agency, who doesn't need the go ahead from your lord and master to leave the house in the evening.

Nothing he said is 'to his credit'. It was all arrogant bullshit.

You are giving away your power here. This relationship is all about power - his power. It's all about his power over you and his control of you, and you don't seem to understand how to play the game here at all. The first rule of playing the power game is to hold your cards closely to your chest and never reveal your feelings.

Stop talking to him about your feelings, and NEVER talk to him about your plans.

You have tipped your hand here. Stop doing that.

He.
Is.
Not.
Your.
Friend.
You need to repeat that to yourself daily.

You've been told all your life what to do...

All the more reason to go and do this degree and live on your own, be independent, get to know yourself.

I didn't tell him about the course or about the issues I have with him

He brought up some things which made me doubt myself about the course, mainly about how a lot of teachers we know say they wish they could leave the profession

Eh? Why did he mention teachers? You said you didn't mention the course.

Is he reading your thread? He could have put a keylogger on your device, and be able to see what you've typed. That could also be why he didn't make you go on that walk the second day.

You need to get out of there asap.

To his credit he did say you could leave, or do a course during the week? No this is NOT to his credit. He is continuing to control you and give you ‘permission’ to do, or not to do things. Very big of him, not! You are the person who gets to choose these things, not him, he is not the boss of you. You have been so sucked in by him over time you still think he is doing you a favour or being nice, but he isn’t, he really isn’t.

This is classic abuser behaviour. He is reeling you back in by offering you a few crumbs - pottery course or sewing, indeed. What a pile of crap.

He actually wants you barefoot in the kitchen serving his needs.

It sounds like you have made very good plans and you do know what you want. This is something you have always wanted, in your heart. If he’s being extra nice now he probably senses he’s losing control of you and is just trying new tactics to get the control back. He does not have your best interests at heart, and you don’t need to feel bad about hurting him. He doesn’t care if you’re hurting.

I’d suggest two things to help make your plan work - confide in your sister, and go to her house instead of your mums if you can.

Leave him the dogs. It will hurt, but it will soften the blow for him which might make him less likely to react nastily. If you take them, it will be another thing to feel guilty about and feel sorry for him about, and he will use that against you. And if you don’t take them, your new freedom will be complete - free to stay out all evening if you suddenly decide to one day, go see a film, get drunk, go clubbing, whatever you want to do. Nobody needing anything from you. If you have to get back to feed the dogs & let them out for a wee that would be a big constraint in your new single adult lifestyle. Also it might even be better for the dogs to stay if this completely predictable routine is all they’ve ever known. You will miss them but that’s probably preferable to more guilt. Good luck, and stay strong! Live the life you want, not the life he wants!