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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

985 replies

StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 21:57

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

OP posts:
Original poster
StupidArgument · 05/09/2020 18:09

@goody2shooz no I can’t leave now, I need to get a couple of things in place financially before I go else I can’t do it. I’m hoping it will just be another week or two.

OP posts:
Original poster
StupidArgument · 05/09/2020 18:10

Thanks @Hopethiswilldo. I’m glad it worked out well for you. How was it when you actually left?

OP posts:
Original poster
StupidArgument · 05/09/2020 18:12

I confided in my Mum today about my plan - to an extent anyway. I told her about the course and about wanting to leave the job and that we might split up over it. She said that I could go and stop at hers if needed and that she would support me whatever, but I think she thinks I should stay and not do this course. I thought that would be how she would feel though.

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 05/09/2020 18:21

Not read the full thread but ffs go to bed when YOU want, you're an adult!

Ffs I never go to bed the same time as my husband!

Nanny0gg · 05/09/2020 18:23

@Mammyloveswine

Not read the full thread but ffs go to bed when YOU want, you're an adult!

Ffs I never go to bed the same time as my husband!

So maybe read the OP's posts? Then you might realise how much you're missing the point?

MN techs have gone to a lot of trouble to make reading the posts really easy.

Give it a try!

TorkTorkBam · 05/09/2020 18:24

Find someone else for support.

I strongly suspect that your course will have a few divorced mature students. Find them. Have you got online connections yet to your coursemates?

pickingdaisies · 05/09/2020 18:27

Your mum has your back, whatever she thinks of your plans. He has pulled the wool over her eyes too. So long as she doesn't let on in the meantime, it doesn't matter. Once you move in with her, you'll have plenty of time to explain exactly what it's been like for you.

Original poster
StupidArgument · 05/09/2020 18:36

I also told my sister about the course only, and she was really supportive. She works in a school and she said it’s hard work but very rewarding. She was lovely, I kind of wish I’d told everything.

OP posts:
Jux · 05/09/2020 18:46

You have time to tell her everything, there's no rush now. You know that both your mum and your sister are there for you and you know what you are going to do. Don't stay with him just because you think your mum might think you should!

Original poster
StupidArgument · 05/09/2020 18:50

@TorkTorkBam no, no connections yet. Hopefully there will be though.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 05/09/2020 18:54

Is your mum the type that would go to bed at 6.30 if her bloke said so?

You have clear cut examples of extremely controlling behaviour. She would have to be quite a man pleaser to think you should go along with it.

You could start by telling your mum/sister you need some space away from him when at uni and an independent career because he has become increasingly controlling. When asked what you mean you can throw out the examples.

SwanShaped · 05/09/2020 19:31

Interesting that your mum thinks that.

Original poster
StupidArgument · 05/09/2020 19:42

@SwanShaped what do you mean by that?

OP posts:
NameChangeAgain222 · 05/09/2020 19:57

So glad to see you moving forward with this. I'm sure if you told your mum the extent of it she would be more supportive Flowers

Toriathebadger · 05/09/2020 20:28

@StupidArgument my mum was never supportive of my degree or teacher training. Don't let it put you off! Glad to see you're ok. You're doing so well x

Catmaiden · 05/09/2020 21:23

That your Mum has conditioned you, from your upbringing, to thinking his sort of behaviour is normal ?

Original poster
StupidArgument · 05/09/2020 21:35

@Catmaiden I think I mentioned it somewhere else on the thread, but my DH definitely has a lot of similarities to my Mum. She has relaxed a lot in recent years and we’re much closer but she could be horrible growing up and she was very controlling herself.

I think my Mum is probably just thinking of things for me from a financial aspect, DH was going to pay for her to come on holiday with us this year and she knows I would always have financial security with him. I’ve also been through quite a few jobs in my time so she might be thinking I couldn’t handle or stick with the course as it is a demanding one.

OP posts:
Catmaiden · 05/09/2020 21:57

Ignore your Mum, she is a flying monkey for your H. And she has conditioned you to do what he says, it's very obvious, to an impartial observer.

Sorry Flowers

Original poster
StupidArgument · 05/09/2020 22:06

It hasn't changed my mind to be fair. I know she thinks a lot of DH and she would be one of the first to say that he could be bossy. I do think she was surprised by some of the things I said, but I just really think she doesn't realise the true extent of things.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 05/09/2020 22:09

Good lord. Do not move in with your mum then. Frying pan and fire. Get away from both puppet masters.

Original poster
StupidArgument · 05/09/2020 22:14

@TorkTorkBam no, I'm not going to. Not more than a couple of nights at the most anyway.

OP posts:
Plussizejumpsuit · 05/09/2020 22:36

Oh @StupidArgument I've just read all your updates. You're doing amazingly. Please do speak to your sister about what's been going on. I'm sure she will want to know and support you. You're doing the right thing just keep going with your plans xx

Giraffey1 · 05/09/2020 23:34

OP,,you are amazing. It isn’t going to be easy but you can do this, you really can. I’m so delighted for you that you got the uni place and that there is a chink of light for you at the end of this dark tunnel.
You’ve had some great advice from people here, please continue to listen and consider what is best and right for you, and don’t get side tracked by the devious ways of your controlling husband.
Don’t ever forget that this is what he is: he controls when you get to bed, when you get up, where you work, whether or not you walk for 11 miles, how you bolt the doors and how you get home from a hen party.
If you feel the wavering or the doubts creeping in, please come back and read the posts on this thread. You are worth a better life xx

billy1966 · 06/09/2020 00:07

@TorkTorkBam

Good lord. Do not move in with your mum then. Frying pan and fire. Get away from both puppet masters.
Please do NOT expect your best interests to be served by your mother Ozp.

Please don't.

She is NOT the person to guide you in this situation.

If you can at all avoid going to her.
If you do make it brief.

Please do not compromise your potential escape from him by being in the house of a women, who just isn't much better than him.

I apologise if that is harsh, I don't want to upset you but you need as clear a path to escape as possible.

Flowers
WinterSunglasses · 06/09/2020 00:59

Definitely go for student accommodation. It will mean there will be security and other people around so less chance of him showing up to harass you and getting away with it. You said you were very lonely - this way there will be people around for chatting to, friendship and company, but you'll have your own space, freedom to do what you want and go to bed when you want.

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