To not want to leave my daughter overnight?

[MaltedMilk88]

I work really really hard, sometimes far too many hours and occasionally will not see my daughter on a weekday due to work commitments. Therefore any downtime I have I want to spend as much time as possible with her. I commit weekends 100% to family time.
Shes just turned 13 months and my husband is keen for her to stay away overnight at a weekend maybe once a month with her Nan or auntie / uncle so we can have our time.
This has happened twice now and I hate it. Can't shift the feeling she should be home with us. Tell me to snap out of it!

Snap out of it

I 10000% understand where you are coming from regarding work and wanting to spend all time outside of that with your child: but you need time for just you and your other half too

It doesn't have to be overnights if you're uncomfortable with it but I can see where he is coming from.

Yanbu.
If you’re not ready then you’re not ready, that’s fine and nobody should be pushing you.
Would you really enjoy the down time if you’re missing her and feeling upset?

My dd is 5 years and has only been away a couple of times. Ds is 15 months and I’m not ready for that yet.

Occasionally maybe, but once a month is quite a lot especially when you don’t see her much during the week. How about every other month?

Can she stay over on a weeknight so you don’t feel you are missing out?

But equally if you don’t want to then don’t do it.

Loads of people would be super super jealous of child free time but if you don’t want to- then don’t

Don't snap out of anything.

I'd hate it too!
My DD is 13 years old and I don't particularly enjoy her being away overnight. I think if you work long hours the time you have with your kids feels precious.
But, maybe your DH is telling you that he wants to spend more time with you too. Maybe you could get a sitter, or Auntie could look after your baby so you could go out for dinner or something?

Don't snap out of anything! My eldest is 6 and she has never spent a night away from her own bed (excluding holidays etc)

Don't snap out of it! I hate being away from mine overnight and she's two and a half. I also sometimes don't see her due to work, it is the pits. She's never gone a night without one of us there. I wouldn't think there was anything wrong with her going to her grandparents if you were OK with it but you're not and that is absolutely fine.

Just want to put a different viewpoint. My children stayed over night and for weekends with my parents from a very early age. As they got older they did sleepovers with friends and went to stay without us with their auntie and uncle in the country for a few days. I always thought it was important to bring up children to be independent . Why not let NaN have the pleasure of a sleepover. It’s great for building bonds between Nan and baby. As mentioned above, it sounds as if your husband is signalling that he is feeling a bit left out and would like to spend some quality time with you. Could nan come to your house and babysit?

@mdh2020

Just want to put a different viewpoint. My children stayed over night and for weekends with my parents from a very early age. As they got older they did sleepovers with friends and went to stay without us with their auntie and uncle in the country for a few days. I always thought it was important to bring up children to be independent . Why not let NaN have the pleasure of a sleepover. It’s great for building bonds between Nan and baby. As mentioned above, it sounds as if your husband is signalling that he is feeling a bit left out and would like to spend some quality time with you. Could nan come to your house and babysit?

Totally agree with this sentiment

I'm always saddened with the MN view sometimes that Grandparents don't 'need' to spend alone time with their grand children esp overnights

I have such fond memories of my sleep overs at my nans, with cousins and I would hate to deprive my children of forming those kind of bonds too.

Thanks everyone for the viewpoints

This is the thing i just don't enjoy the time with her away, if we have a meal or do whatever we are doing then it's great for that period and I honestly don't want my husband to feel left out but I just hate the overnight thing, it's 10pm now (she's staying at nans tonight) and I just feel uneasy and I can't for the life of me shake it off.

Her nan has her alone all day every Monday and then she is at nursery the other 4 days so she does get plenty of 1-1 time with her without us

@MaltedMilk88

Thanks everyone for the viewpoints

This is the thing i just don't enjoy the time with her away, if we have a meal or do whatever we are doing then it's great for that period and I honestly don't want my husband to feel left out but I just hate the overnight thing, it's 10pm now (she's staying at nans tonight) and I just feel uneasy and I can't for the life of me shake it off.

Her nan has her alone all day every Monday and then she is at nursery the other 4 days so she does get plenty of 1-1 time with her without us

If you're not comfortable don't push it as you don't want to be miserable when the whole point is to have a good time and enjoy eachother.

But do try and carve some time for your and your other half together. Whether it's a meal with a baby sitter or even one overnight every other month.

It's about balance and obviously it's not the right balance atm for you.

Do you think perhaps your husband is pushing this because he misses you, and wants to prioritise your relationship for a few hours every few weeks? Do you really think that's unreasonable? If i were you I'd listen to what he's trying to tell you - he needs more time with you. Your daughter is safe and happy, so put the time into your marriage. You could end up really regretting it if you don't.

It sounds like in general you're unhappy with how much time you get with your daughter - i think the occasional overnight is a red herring, and you might be happier reassessing your work schedule.

My DD is nearly 3 and has never been away from me overnight. I was just about getting comfortable with it and then Covid happened. Can you meet in the middle and get some evening childcare so she’s not away for the night but you get a few hours to yourselves together on a regular basis?

I have a two year old and work full-time, I wouldn't be happy for her to be away from us that much at the weekend. We've no family nearby though so it's hypothetical.

However, I agree time off together is important. Before covid we'd resolved to do something each month, either by hiring a babysitter for Saturday night or takingv annual leave on a Friday afternoon.

@Sayitagainwhydontyou

Do you think perhaps your husband is pushing this because he misses you, and wants to prioritise your relationship for a few hours every few weeks? Do you really think that's unreasonable? If i were you I'd listen to what he's trying to tell you - he needs more time with you. Your daughter is safe and happy, so put the time into your marriage. You could end up really regretting it if you don't.

It sounds like in general you're unhappy with how much time you get with your daughter - i think the occasional overnight is a red herring, and you might be happier reassessing your work schedule.

I had this thought. I wondered also on the husbands part if it was a sex thing, like he thinks the baby being away will help that

If you don't want to do it, say no. You shouldn't be pushed into it because your DP wants you alone for a night. She's 13 months, surely she's in bed at a sensible time so you can be alone?

I work night shift sometimes so I certainly cannot say I've never been away from the kids overnight but I have a 3 year old and a 6month old and only the 3 year old has been to Grandmas overnight twice. Hes also been with a fairly new friend when I gave birth to his brother. For the first year and a half he was a terrible sleeper so I never wanted to inflict him on others and now I have no want or desire for my kids to be away. Totally respect others who do, I cant lie in so that's so benefit to me and I don't love a night out, would much rather have chums over while the kids are tucked up in their own bed. If Grandma ever wanted them or they wanted to go there then I would of course make it happen and they see them at least 3 times a week, we are very close but I have absolutely no desire to set up a regular arrangement.

I'm honestly not unhappy with how much time I spend with her, I just very much value the time I do get with her, when I do switch off from work I feel like that's my time for her.
Writing this though definitely I think I may be neglecting my husband a bit as my daughter does come number 1 and maybe that's not all the time fair on him.

@SleepingStandingUp

If you don't want to do it, say no. You shouldn't be pushed into it because your DP wants you alone for a night. She's 13 months, surely she's in bed at a sensible time so you can be alone?

So her DPs feelings don't matter?

How ridiculous

Partnership is about compromise

@dwiz8 agree. However I think if sending the child away is upsetting one parent then that wins over the other parent being grumpy they don't get enough time away from the child.

@MaltedMilk88

I'm honestly not unhappy with how much time I spend with her, I just very much value the time I do get with her, when I do switch off from work I feel like that's my time for her. Writing this though definitely I think I may be neglecting my husband a bit as my daughter does come number 1 and maybe that's not all the time fair on him.

Maybe compromise with an overnight every other month, and a babysitter one night in between?

So, so so so many marriages fail because couples stop making time for each other after kids, they drift apart or resentment builds or someone feels neglected - your husband is telling you he needs more time with you. If your daughter is safe and happy at her nan's, surely your husband is worth pushing through the discomfort?

If he's not, then that's a whole other issue. But if he is, if you love him and want a good relationship, then you need to listen to what he's telling you here. Your daughter doesn't need to be your top priority 24/7.

It's good for your baby to be used to the care of other people you trust. Just in case there's ever some family emergency.

Adult relationships needs nurturing and personal attention too. It's good for couples to have some carefree time alone together.

I felt the same as you - I wanted my non-work time to be spent with my child. An occasional night out might be ok but just once or twice a year would be right for me.