Page 3 | To not want to leave my daughter overnight?

MaltedMilk88 · 2020-08-16T20:47:47+00:00

I work really really hard, sometimes far too many hours and occasionally will not see my daughter on a weekday due to work commitments. Therefore any downtime I have I want to spend as much time as possible with her. I commit weekends 100% to family time. Shes just turned 13 months and my husband is keen for her to stay away overnight at a weekend maybe once a month with her Nan or auntie / uncle so we can have our time. This has happened twice now and I hate it. Can't shift the feeling she should be home with us. Tell me to snap out of it!

dwiz8 · 17/08/2020 00:00

[quote ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble]@dwiz8 so when she's older he can send her to boarding school because he needs time with his wife? [/quote]
If he wants to he can ask yes.

The child has two parents, both have equal right to a say in what their child does and where they go.

Partnership is about compromise. You and other posters are advocating for a mumtatorship not a partnership.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 17/08/2020 00:01

“He does get a day in handing their baby over to someone else

It's not just the OPs baby

It's their baby. He can say where she goes as much as the OP can.

Goodness me“

That’s not what is happening. By forcing her to let the baby stay overnight, he is dictating where the baby AND OP go and what they do.
He is saying OP has to hand her over which she isn’t happy about. It’s controlling. It isn’t equal.

Deadringer · 17/08/2020 00:02

We went away for the occasional night/weekend and left our dc with gps, but would never have considered doing it on a monthly basis. Surely you must have some evenings together when she is asleep? If you are not comfortable leaving her, don't do it until she is older, she won't be little forever.

anothernewyear · 17/08/2020 00:02

You say you work long hours so only really see her at weekends. So do you and your husband spend time together in the evenings? I'd say if your husband is missing time with you then so Is your daughter if you're working that much.

As you only see her weekends I certainly wouldn't be sending her off one weekend a month. I'm with you. Your daughter is still very young and needs her mother. Your husband is being unfair to push this.

dwiz8 · 17/08/2020 00:03

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

“He does get a day in handing their baby over to someone else

It's not just the OPs baby

It's their baby. He can say where she goes as much as the OP can.

Goodness me“

That’s not what is happening. By forcing her to let the baby stay overnight, he is dictating where the baby AND OP go and what they do.
He is saying OP has to hand her over which she isn’t happy about. It’s controlling. It isn’t equal.

Where is he forcing the OP to do anything? If she isn't comfortable then compromise, dont however over rule his feelings which are genuine just because the OP is the mother.

That's a totally toxic way to think about a relationship and parenting as a whole.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 17/08/2020 00:03

The baby isn't supposed to be at home

Of course she is. It's her home, by default that's where she should be. For various reasons,in various circumstances she might be someplace else.

To solely make the decision to send her away at 13 months when there is no need and it makes the other parent upset is selfish and bonkers.

I wonder how much "us" time revolves around sex.

After all OP is awake at midnight posting on MN, where is he?

Feelingconfused2020 · 17/08/2020 00:05

Nope.

You don't want to leave her so don't leave her.

Does this child never sleep? Why can't you spend time together in your own home when she's asleep?

Once a month sleepovers are not necessary for a baby. Most couples just cope with having their baby at home.

Tell your DH to get a grip and save sleepovers with the grandparents for when you are comfortable with them.

I couldn't cope with this but maybe that's where I've gone wrong. Why can't some men accept that life changes when you have a baby?

You never have to do anything you don't want to do. Ever.

dwiz8 · 17/08/2020 00:05

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

The baby isn't supposed to be at home

Of course she is. It's her home, by default that's where she should be. For various reasons,in various circumstances she might be someplace else.

To solely make the decision to send her away at 13 months when there is no need and it makes the other parent upset is selfish and bonkers.

I wonder how much "us" time revolves around sex.

After all OP is awake at midnight posting on MN, where is he?

But there is a need

The OPs husband wants some quality time with his wife

That's just as much a need as the op has about the child being with her.

The Op by her own admission works long hours and days. The husband clearly wants some time with his wife. That is not wrong, weird or controlling to request or even push for it.

If the Op isn't comfortable with a weekend a month then compromise. But to say his feelings don't count because the OPs the mother and it's her say is not ok.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 17/08/2020 00:05

dwiz8

I got it from the original post where she says baby has stayed out a number of times and husband is pushing for it to become a monthly thing despite the fact that she “hates” it.

Did you miss it?

dwiz8 · 17/08/2020 00:07

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

dwiz8

I got it from the original post where she says baby has stayed out a number of times and husband is pushing for it to become a monthly thing despite the fact that she “hates” it.

Did you miss it?

So he isn't forcing her to do anything then as expected.

He is pushing for something, not forcing

There is a very big difference

OhMyDarling · 17/08/2020 00:08

I am astonished that people are putting ‘d’h’s attention seeking over ops desire to be with her child.
Enough demands are placed on mothers everyday- her husbands ego shouldn’t trump her happiness.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 17/08/2020 00:08

It’s literally a synonym.

Omelette9 · 17/08/2020 00:08

Sorry, the needs of children come before the needs of adults. When you become parents, you accept that, or you are going to have very unhappy children. FGS, quality time with his wife! You have made a family, family life comes first.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 17/08/2020 00:09

The OPs husband wants some quality time with his wife

Why can't he have it with the baby at home? She must sleep sometimes.

How "quality" can that time be if his wife hates it?

What loving partner would push their child away and make their wife miserable for his "needs"? And enjoy it too?

Give me a break!

dwiz8 · 17/08/2020 00:09

@OhMyDarling

I am astonished that people are putting ‘d’h’s attention seeking over ops desire to be with her child. Enough demands are placed on mothers everyday- her husbands ego shouldn’t trump her happiness.

It's not ego

It's husbands happiness

His happiness should matter just as much as the OPs

Just because the OP is the mother doesn't give her more of a right to decide where her child goes and what their child does.

Compromise is the way forwards. Not overruling her husbands feelings just because she is the mother.

dwiz8 · 17/08/2020 00:10

@Omelette9

Sorry, the needs of children come before the needs of adults. When you become parents, you accept that, or you are going to have very unhappy children. FGS, quality time with his wife! You have made a family, family life comes first.

How do you know the needs of the children aren't being met when sleeping over with grand parents?

Feelingconfused2020 · 17/08/2020 00:10

He gets a say in wanting a night off, fine. He doesn’t get a say in dictating to the OP that she should hand her baby over and spend the night with him

^ this
he should arrange some nights out with his friends and if he's desperate for sex he needs to.have a wank. The op should only be agreeing to what she is happy with she shouldnt be spending nights miserable as she is separated from her baby. He shouldn't be pushing for more of these miserable nights.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 17/08/2020 00:10

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

The OPs husband wants some quality time with his wife

Why can't he have it with the baby at home? She must sleep sometimes.

How "quality" can that time be if his wife hates it?

What loving partner would push their child away and make their wife miserable for his "needs"? And enjoy it too?

Give me a break!

Absolutely agree.

dwiz8 · 17/08/2020 00:12

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

The OPs husband wants some quality time with his wife

Why can't he have it with the baby at home? She must sleep sometimes.

How "quality" can that time be if his wife hates it?

What loving partner would push their child away and make their wife miserable for his "needs"? And enjoy it too?

Give me a break!

The OPs husband hasn't pushed the child away

He has made a (pretty reasonable) request not forced anything.

The fact you seem to not understand there is room for compromise here is telling tbh.

The Op should be willing to compromise. If once a month is too much look at every other month. Or two evenings a month but with a baby sitter not overnights etc.

Feelingconfused2020 · 17/08/2020 00:12

His happiness should matter just as much as the OPs

Why can't he be happy with his own baby asleep upstairs in his own home? An I missing the post where the OP describes the demon baby from hell? What do all those husband's without grandparent care on tap do?

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 17/08/2020 00:13

@dwiz8 you're conflating parenting decisions with relationship needs here.

OP is making a parenting decision, she wants her baby home.

Her husband is making a relationship decision, he wants "quality" time with his wife and her attention.

That's why the mother has full say about the baby, she's the only one making a parenting decision.

The relationship stuff, they can talk about and compromise.

dwiz8 · 17/08/2020 00:14

@Feelingconfused2020

His happiness should matter just as much as the OPs

Why can't he be happy with his own baby asleep upstairs in his own home? An I missing the post where the OP describes the demon baby from hell? What do all those husband's without grandparent care on tap do?

Clearly they don't get quality time together with the child at home otherwise he wouldn't ask for it.

When mine were that age no way was being at home 'quality time' regardless of whether they were asleep

dwiz8 · 17/08/2020 00:15

[quote ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble]@dwiz8 you're conflating parenting decisions with relationship needs here.

OP is making a parenting decision, she wants her baby home.

Her husband is making a relationship decision, he wants "quality" time with his wife and her attention.

That's why the mother has full say about the baby, she's the only one making a parenting decision.

The relationship stuff, they can talk about and compromise.[/quote]
He is also making a parenting decision

By wanting his child to spend time with family and therefore they get time together

The fact people here seem to not accept when you have a child you still need to make time for your partner might give some indication of why divorce is rife after having kids

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 17/08/2020 00:16

@Feelingconfused2020

His happiness should matter just as much as the OPs

Why can't he be happy with his own baby asleep upstairs in his own home? An I missing the post where the OP describes the demon baby from hell? What do all those husband's without grandparent care on tap do?

We put our babies to bed at 7.30, put on a bit of music/ film, pick up a nice meal from the local Italian and then have an “early night” But my husband isn’t a child who needs an empty house to feel like he’s got all my attention to himself. He doesn’t mind if one of the kids has a nightmare and I have to pop upstairs for ten minutes while he does the pots.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 17/08/2020 00:17

When mine were that age no way was being at home 'quality time' regardless of whether they were asleep

That's your problem. We had plenty despite DD being a pain in the ass ,we also had some dry spells for various reasons, none of the. related to whether she was at home or not.