To not want to leave my daughter overnight?

[MaltedMilk88]

I work really really hard, sometimes far too many hours and occasionally will not see my daughter on a weekday due to work commitments. Therefore any downtime I have I want to spend as much time as possible with her. I commit weekends 100% to family time.
Shes just turned 13 months and my husband is keen for her to stay away overnight at a weekend maybe once a month with her Nan or auntie / uncle so we can have our time.
This has happened twice now and I hate it. Can't shift the feeling she should be home with us. Tell me to snap out of it!

DH once forced me to make arrangements for a friend to have dd overnight because there was some ghastly work do he wanted us to go to. I had a pretty shitty time.

Other than that, dd spent every night with me until she was over 2 years, which might be a bit extreme but there were reasons.

If you don't want to do it, don't do it.

'Our time' should be you and dh being a family with your baby, not farming her out to others so you can go and do 'pre-parent' things.

You can't control what other people deem as quality time. The OPs husband obviously doesn't deem child in the house as quality time

He should have thought of that before having children. I wonder what he would have done if there weren't any convenient relatives nearby?

If it's the position that he didn't realise that he would feel this way once he had a child, I think that realistically he still has to live with that rather than push for an arrangement that he knows makes his wife miserable. After all, it's not as if it will be the same forever.

Once a month is quite a lot and 13 months is quite young.
If you're not happy then dont do it and no need to snap out of it.
When you say uneasy, do you have concerns that your DD isnt well looked after or isnt happy staying with grandmother?

Don't snap out of it, and please don't pay attention to the idiots claiming you are wrong and selfish for wanting your very young child at home with you.

Woah! This escalated

I'm painting my husband clearly in a very bad light so apologies for the choice of wording

We've had a discussion about this now and we've agreed on some of your suggestions getting family to babysit whilst we go out. For us in particular we just like to go out as opposed to stay home.

He's not forced me to do anything, more than merely suggested a night approx once a month so we can have a date night or whatever would be nice. I actually don't think that's unreasonable but as it's happened twice I haven't enjoyed my daughter staying away all night.

I wouldn't want to go part time, I love my work, it's my company and my husband is extremely supportive of that, the only way I'm able to do what I do is because of how much he takes on at home and I guess for him he wants a break every now and then and I'm flattered he wants to spend that break with me! Not so much the weekends but certainly in the week if she's ever up it's nearly always my husband who sees to her. I've been taking for granted how much he does at home and forget he does work full time as well but for him it's just a job and for me, it's my life's passion that I've spent years building.

It's just about now finding the balance between work and home which we are still working out.

So you wanna spend time with your kid. Just never with your husband.

Great marriage.

Give a little op. You might end up with kid and without husband. Its his kid/life too.

Yehnahmum surely there are lots of people that don't work part time - does that mean they don't love there children or husband?! Does it have to be that black and white?!

What exactly is wrong with having a career? I don't see you suggesting my husband works part time?

Work is absolutely not my first love but it is important to me and I'm not going to apologise for that.

My daughter and husband mean the world to me I don't understand how I've not given that impression other than saying I love my work what's wrong with enjoying your job?

Your child / children spend a night away once a month do they?

I understand that sometimes the grandparents might want the kids to spend the night, but what’s with this need for it to be every month on some kind of schedule?

It’s perfectly possible for the grandparents to babysit the child in her own home if the parents want to go out for dinner, and presumably the child goes to bed before they do, so there’s time to spend together then.

People saying the OP isn’t taking her partner’s feelings into account are being ridiculous. It’s one thing to want to spend time together, and that should come into it, but it’s quite another for one parent to demand that the kids be taken out of the way once a month so they can have their partner all to themselves.

He chose to be a father, he doesn’t just get to demand the child be sent off to the grandparents once a month because it doesn’t suit him to be one then.

Yes, make time for each other, but it doesn’t have to involve sending the DC away. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing

Ours went to grandparent from very early age overnight about once every 6 weeks .
Occasionally I didn't want them to go but it was more for them than us the had a ball and grandparents loved it .

Ignore @Yeahnahmum OP. I wonder when she last berated a man for working full time misogyny is truly alive and well in 2020

maltedmilk I only suggested part time as it sounded like you wanted more time with DD. I didn't get the impression your DH felt he needed more time with her.

If it's going out the house in the evening that you both enjoy then babysitter is probably best thing? DD gets to stay home.

I wish we had GP who had agreed/offered us time to just go out - rather than just helping while we worked.

Don’t snap out of anything.
Send him away for a night so you get quality time with your child.

I can see both sides to be honest, but basically it really depends on th reason he wants some alone time with you...is he a hands on df and how much time does he spend with your child.
Your life sounds very busy and your child already spends enough time away from you so I do not blame you.

She's a baby, you don't need to snap out of anything.

Ds didn't stay overnight with anyone until he was 14/15 months old for a wedding. He's 4 now and only stays out maybe once every 2 months.

My husband doesn't feel neglected as he's his parent too.

My children never stayed overnight with anyone. They slept in their own beds.
It wasn’t until they were old enough to do birthday party sleepovers that they stayed away.

You sound like a lovely mum OP, in that your career is important and provides for your family and is something you are passionate about but you also want to spend your free time with your baby. I’m super jealous you’ve found your passion in life! On the topic my baby is 11 months and I also would not want to leave her overnight with anyone! I personally think once a month is too much. If you are happy enjoy her while she’s small, it won’t be a long time anyway

It won’t be happening here. DD 11 months and I have no intention of leaving her overnight anywhere until she is much, much older. Fortunately we have no local family so it’s not come up yet.

I return to a demanding job soon, every second I am home will be with DD. DH recognises this is important himself so there’s no way he’d push it either.

No my DS didn’t stay anywhere else either. On the occasions where I did go away overnight, my parents came to my house and stayed there.

But the first time wasn’t until he was over two years old, and then it was only very occasional.

I know exactly how you feel OP. We have no local family, the closest is PIL around 45 minutes drive away. Neither of them drive and the public transport is poor between us. This means a dinner out requires an overnight as we have to drop him off and pick him up. When I am out at a restaurant or a birthday party its fine but as soon as I get home I feel terrible about it.

My parents stayed for the weekend last weekend and DH and I got to go out for a drink without the guilt of an overnight stay and it was bliss. It has made me think about getting a babysitter instead of taking DS to the grandparents, I'm just not sure if an unknown babysitter for a few hours would make me feel even more guilty than the overnight with the doting grandparents!

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Dwiz8

Do you really not understand inference and synonyms or is this just a deflection technique?

Thankfully the OP has confirmed as expected he isn't forcing her into anything

Maybe next time don't make BS assumptions

@Pobblebonk

I have such fond memories of my sleep overs at my nans, with cousins and I would hate to deprive my children of forming those kind of bonds too.

@dwiz8, the fact that you have fond memories suggests that you were quite old. Did you have sleepovers at 13 months? And if you did, how much do you remember of it? I strongly suspect that any memories you might have of suddenly and inexplicably (to you) being separated from your parents might not be so positive.

I had sleepovers since 4 months. They were regular and I loved spending time there and as an older child and adult really love looking through pictures of me at my grans as a baby on her 'magic carpet' o grew up very attached to her as I had a lot of time with her. Yes some I don't remember because I was a baby but have pictures and videos she took often when I was there.

@Pobblebonk

It's not ego

It's husbands happiness

His happiness should matter just as much as the OPs

So, so long as he is happy, it doesn't matter that OP is miserable? Is she supposed to be able to switch that off at will?

After all, it's not as if the overnight arrangement is the only way to secure quality time, is it?

When mine were that age no way was being at home 'quality time' regardless of whether they were asleep

Goodness. Some of the most blissful times in my life have been when my whole family have been at home together - and that included when the children were tiny and not the easiest to look after. The fact that you didn't experience that, @dwiz8, may go a long way to explaining your vehement defence of OP's DH on here.

Where have I said I don't love time with my family?

However when mine were 1 them being home even if asleep isn't quality time with my husband. It's a chance to clean up all the shit and have an early night!

Work is your first love
Than your kid
And every now and then your husband. Because even ONCE a months is too much to ask for.
Women lives her job/passionate about her job so must be an awful wife and mother who puts work ahead of them?? What century do you hark from?
And op has said nothing to suggest she doesn't see her DP 7 nights a week and all weekend.

So you wanna spend time with your kid. Just never with your husband.

Why on earth would they have to be mutually exclusive, @Yeahnahmum?