To not want to leave my daughter overnight?

[MaltedMilk88]

I work really really hard, sometimes far too many hours and occasionally will not see my daughter on a weekday due to work commitments. Therefore any downtime I have I want to spend as much time as possible with her. I commit weekends 100% to family time.
Shes just turned 13 months and my husband is keen for her to stay away overnight at a weekend maybe once a month with her Nan or auntie / uncle so we can have our time.
This has happened twice now and I hate it. Can't shift the feeling she should be home with us. Tell me to snap out of it!

The fact people here seem to not accept when you have a child you still need to make time for your partner might give some indication of why divorce is rife after having kids

12 years and counting mate. But it would definitely have been shorter if he tried to send our baby away so he could get enough attention and "quality" time.

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

When mine were that age no way was being at home 'quality time' regardless of whether they were asleep

That's your problem. We had plenty despite DD being a pain in the ass ,we also had some dry spells for various reasons, none of the. related to whether she was at home or not.

Clearly not just my problem

The OPs husband is feeling the same

You can't control what other people deem as quality time. The OPs husband obviously doesn't deem child in the house as quality time. And is therefore requesting to get some planned in on a regular basis. He isn't forcing the OP or even being funny about it from the comments since.

His feelings matter just as much as the OPs and therefore there needs to be a compromise at some level otherwise one will always be miserable.

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

The fact people here seem to not accept when you have a child you still need to make time for your partner might give some indication of why divorce is rife after having kids

12 years and counting mate. But it would definitely have been shorter if he tried to send our baby away so he could get enough attention and "quality" time.

And that's great if it worked for you.

It doesn't work for everyone, OPs husband included and he shouldn't be made out to be unreasonable for having an opinion and feelings one way or another.

Quality time is a ridiculous phrase. Spend time as a couple doing something together, however it suits you, but do it within your family environment. That is what family life is all about. OP, you are not being unreasonable.

@Omelette9

Quality time is a ridiculous phrase. Spend time as a couple doing something together, however it suits you, but do it within your family environment. That is what family life is all about. OP, you are not being unreasonable.

Who are you to dictate what family time is?

The OPs husbands feelings are as valid as OPs. Many people enjoy time away from their children, many children enjoy spending quality time with other family members.

Everyone is different and it's not fair to put this on the OPs husband when it doesn't fit what you would do.

“ And that's great if it worked for you. It doesn't work for everyone, OPs husband included and he shouldn't be made out to be unreasonable for having an opinion and feelings one way or another.”

But that’s exactly what you’re doing to OP. Saying her thoughts and feelings about leaving her baby are unreasonable because her partner wants to palm DC off every month.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

“ And that's great if it worked for you. It doesn't work for everyone, OPs husband included and he shouldn't be made out to be unreasonable for having an opinion and feelings one way or another.”

But that’s exactly what you’re doing to OP. Saying her thoughts and feelings about leaving her baby are unreasonable because her partner wants to palm DC off every month.

Where have I said the OP is unreasonable?

I have said she should see if there is a compromise if it makes her that miserable her child being away for the night that regularly.

Dwiz8

Haha ok 😂

I'm uncomfortable with a mother being pressurised to.give up time with her young DC when she doesnt want to

I originally read this as 13 years not 13 months and thought why not

Reading it again I can’t understand why you would send a baby away from it’s home every month. Do the grandparents, uncle, aunty want this arrangement?

If giving parents a break then maybe ok. If one parent isn’t comfortable with this then no

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Dwiz8

Haha ok 😂

Not my fault if you simply don't want to read comments properly

I haven't said the OP is unreasonable at any point. By the OPs husband isn't unreasonable either. Both have needs, both need to compromise for each-other to be happy.

Dwiz8

I don’t buy into men pushing women to do things that make them miserable or uncomfortable, even if they think really, really need and deserve that attention.
That’s what’s really toxic in a relationship.

No don't snap out of it. Do what you feel comfortable with. I was coerced into leaving ds with ex in laws from early on and I hated it. I noticed that ex would try to extend the time we stayed away longer and longer. So he'd be away overnight and I would want to go and pick him up straight away the next morning but he'd say "oh let's go for brunch first" then he'd want to stop for "a quick pint (two or three)". I put a stop to it after a few of these occasions and dd never went even once.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Dwiz8

I don’t buy into men pushing women to do things that make them miserable or uncomfortable, even if they think really, really need and deserve that attention.
That’s what’s really toxic in a relationship.

Where has the OP said her husband is pushing her into do

Doing anything?

He had requested it, the OP had agreed twice and doesn't like it

A middle ground compromise needs to be found

Dwiz8

Do you really not understand inference and synonyms or is this just a deflection technique?

he's asking for you both to have one baby free evening and night a month....just the two of you.
it could be the glue that keeps you together in rough times....

doesn't have to every 4 weeks though, maybe once every 2 months/6 weeks etc?

I have such fond memories of my sleep overs at my nans, with cousins and I would hate to deprive my children of forming those kind of bonds too.

@dwiz8, the fact that you have fond memories suggests that you were quite old. Did you have sleepovers at 13 months? And if you did, how much do you remember of it? I strongly suspect that any memories you might have of suddenly and inexplicably (to you) being separated from your parents might not be so positive.

YANBU and it's not really quality time if you're not enjoying it.

What does he need from you that he can't get when DD is home? Does he want scheduled sex, a lie in?

Also are GP on board with this? My in laws never offered this as they helped a day a week.

Not relevant to the question - but can you afford to go part time? You might enjoy the weekend off if you're with DD more in the day.

Do you think perhaps your husband is pushing this because he misses you, and wants to prioritise your relationship for a few hours every few weeks? Do you really think that's unreasonable?

No, but that doesn't have to mean the baby staying somewhere else overnight, particularly when that means OP and her husband will be asleep for 8 hours or so and will be doing little or nothing about their relationship during that period. Realistically, quality time would be having the occasional weekend day together.

It's good for your baby to be used to the care of other people you trust. Just in case there's ever some family emergency.

The baby has that already, five days a week. Given that her mother works full time that makes it all the more important that she sees as much of her as possible outside working hours.

The OP is only against it because it's what she wants. That's equally as selfish if you're boiling it down to that

Of course it isn't. OP is unhappy about it because it goes against her maternal instincts and because she is worried about the baby's welfare. Small babies want to be with their mothers. There is nothing selfish about putting a baby's needs ahead of the parents' wishes.

I agree with pp you never know if you will need help down the road, if she has never stayed anywhere else it could make things even harder.

It's not ego

It's husbands happiness

His happiness should matter just as much as the OPs

So, so long as he is happy, it doesn't matter that OP is miserable? Is she supposed to be able to switch that off at will?

After all, it's not as if the overnight arrangement is the only way to secure quality time, is it?

When mine were that age no way was being at home 'quality time' regardless of whether they were asleep

Goodness. Some of the most blissful times in my life have been when my whole family have been at home together - and that included when the children were tiny and not the easiest to look after. The fact that you didn't experience that, @dwiz8, may go a long way to explaining your vehement defence of OP's DH on here.

We left our son for the first time when I went in hospital to give birth to our daughter. He wasn’t left again until he was 6. Our daughter had her first overnight stay when she was 4 when she wanted to. Neither of us particularly wanted time away from the kids and we had plenty of time for each other once the kids were past the baby stage. I remember being told by people that I ‘must leave them as they had to get used to being left’. I just used to think ‘why?’ They’ve both stayed overnight at grandparents when they’ve wanted to and the eldest has also had sleepovers at friends and been away with the school numerous times. The youngest hasn’t wanted to sleep at friends houses or go away with the school.