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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Absolutely livid

468 replies

Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 08:09

My dp (3 years) went to work yesterday. We have only recently moved in together.

Before he went to work I got up with him at 7am and made him breakfast. While he was out I cleaned the house, hovered, mopped, dusted, walked the dog, cleaned the bedroom, cleaned the ensuite and the main bathroom and put fresh bedding on. I watered the lawn for him at his request. I ironed him clothes for work and made a slow cooker dinner. I also did a food shop. I worked all day trying to get the place in decent order so when he came home he wouldn’t have to do anything, he could just put his feet up.

I put one note on the fridge asking him to empty the kitchen bin. The reason I didn’t do it is because the outside bin needs compacted down, otherwise I’d have done it myself.

He comes home and goes straight to the fridge, looks at the note and states “do you not know how to empty a bin?” It wasn’t said with any sarcasm. He was being serious.

I was completely taken a back, I thought he’d be chuffed with all the work I’d done. I told him what I’d done all day and why I hadn’t emptied the bin. I then opened the fridge told him I’d gotten his favourite dessert in and I’d put water in the fridge for him as it was such a hot day.

His response was “yeah because that was really hard to do.”

I ended up taking the rubbish out myself and went for a bath and had a little cry. His response to this was to tell me he does housework all the time and doesn’t cast up about it which is what he felt I was doing. I just feel like crap today and has really put me off living with him.

OP posts:

Waytoomuch82 · 16/08/2020 11:57

One thing screams at me throughout

You are a martyr OP.

No doubt your partner is rude.

But you are a martyr and I suspect that it very annoying to live with

YorkshireTeaIsTheBest · 16/08/2020 11:59

Move out.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 16/08/2020 12:01

Move back out. He's a complete and utter arse.

canigooutyet · 16/08/2020 12:03

Oh cars haha, I have seen some proper tips and think a silly little tree masks the stench.

I don't understand some women tbh. Anyone would think we are the weaker sex. We are not. Look at your feckless partners. Imagine them living alone. Imagine you living alone. Who is the one having a fulfilling life?

We can live without them and have happiness with those who love and care for us. We can manage to work and raise a family on our own and even have our own hobbies away from the home.

Many of these feckless ones only seem capable of working. Me man, me go to work, me provide for family. You woman, you do "wifework", you look after man, you look after man family, you look after man children.

backseatcookers · 16/08/2020 12:09

Also if you were genuinely livid, you would taken more from the thread than that you should try to communicate better with him?! Don't be a martyr. We teach people how to treat us by accepting that treatment.

cautionhot · 16/08/2020 12:11

@canigooutyet isn't that the truth. Has a job = world complete.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 16/08/2020 12:15

Look at your feckless partners. Imagine them living alone. Imagine you living alone. Who is the one having a fulfilling life?

I can assure you that many of the partners would have fulfilling lives without their martyrs. Why would you argue that you want share of a cleaning and whatever the life admin here is, if someone is there doing it all and willingly to make you happy🤷🏻 I would sit back too.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/08/2020 12:17

"" “do you not know how to empty a bin?” It wasn’t said with any sarcasm. He was being serious."" and "because that's so hard to do"

Yes he was being serious and YES he was being sarcastic both times. as clearly you do know how to empty the bin and he knows it needs to be compacted.

As for apologising and trying to do better communicating. Fuck that!!! You have had quite a few critical responses, and they are points to consider but you seem to be taking on all the blame here, as if its all your fault, it sounds to me like you've been treated like this growing up and conditioned to try please people. That is NOT your fault, but it might really help if you took yourself to counselling not to FIX your self or make you less blameworthy but to give you the help and support you need to make you more assertive, put yourself first and recognise that your needs and self esteem are just as important as others - even those you love. And that if they don't treat you well, you hve the right to call them out on it.

You are obviously smitten and trying to do nice things for him out of affection rather than looking for praise as people have suggested.
It is one thing for him not to notice, as a rule slobs never will notice or even appreciate a good house clean because that's house elf business.
It is quite another thing to speak to you in such a sarcastic, patronising and demeaning manner. It is a slap in the face in return for you trying to give him a nice homecoming.
So you need to really listen to that and think about how he is treating you in general.

It's fine to sit him down and try to discuss this, and this is the test really if he loves you enough to take him seriously? but what are you going to do when he acts as though the conversation is tedious, much ado about nothing and acts as if you are just whining for the sake of it?
I think long term, getting some support to assert yourself ( you won't get it from him and for me that would be enough to question my time with someone who is always in the right with you always in the wrong) is probably more important than getting grudging co-operation from him now because you've made a big thing of it.
Think seriously if this was a one off from him or normal, because you've already tried to defend him by saying he wasn't even sarcastic.
Again not your fault. Best of luck. You are worth mroe than this.

AnneKipanki · 16/08/2020 12:17

Communicate better ?
I agree with @ThePluckOfTheCoward .
👋🏻 bye .

Toomboom · 16/08/2020 12:19

Why are you doing all this for him? You aren't his mother, though saying that as a mother I wouldn't be doing all that for him either.

MimiLaRue · 16/08/2020 12:20

Am I missing something
Why are people going on about her being the live in help etc etc, it sounds like she doesn't normally do her bit. Does something for one day and wants a certificate of achievement

Yes you are I'm afraid- read the full thread, then maybe you wouldnt make comments that make you look stupid.

If however, you enjoy being a skivvy to an ungrateful partner then knock yourself out! The rest of us will enjoy living in a 50/50 partnership!

canigooutyet · 16/08/2020 12:21

I used to hate the "I've done stuff around the house."

Good for you. Would you like a reward? Funny tell them that once or twice and they get the message to crack on and just do it.

Then there was the one that during an argument mentioned they'd made me breakfast in bed a couple of times. My response, good for you, did I ask or coerce you in someway? No then fuck off with your breakfast in bed.

I have high standards apparently and that's why I will never live with a man again. Nope, I just won't settle with someone who doesn't see me as their equal. And the funny thing is I am actually a submissive, have been for decades and it's through this I maintain my standards. I have to be very clear about what is and isn't acceptable.

whiplashy · 16/08/2020 12:23

you sound like a martyr

Original poster

Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 12:25

I’m laughing at the comment that I’m a martyr. I’m also laughing at the other poster who commented that I’m no longer replying - as I already stated; I’m in work now.

I did those things just to help out around the house, not because I wanted recognition for what was done. As I’ve already stated, I didn’t mention what I had done until I received what I believe to be a rather rude response.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have said anything about what had been done around the house, but that certainly doesn’t make me a martyr!

OP posts:

canigooutyet · 16/08/2020 12:28

It's not the talking about what you did that some people are saying you're a martyr. It's for doing shit like getting up even though you didn't have to to make him breakfast.

MiddleClassProblem · 16/08/2020 12:28

I agree with the martyr comments I’m afraid. OP has said his bathroom is filthy but it sounds like they have two bathrooms so you just leave him to it.

Equally, if that’s all she’s listed it sounds like he does a lot of other jobs around the house. She’s listed jobs around the house amongst the stuff for him (that she choose to do) to make it sound like it’s all for his benefit. Its also based on just one day.

Either way, I think it’s just one of those couple arguments that will blow over and nowhere near as dramatic as others are making out.

Waytoomuch82 · 16/08/2020 12:29

@Whathastheworldbecome

I’m laughing at the comment that I’m a martyr. I’m also laughing at the other poster who commented that I’m no longer replying - as I already stated; I’m in work now.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have said anything about what had been done around the house, but that certainly doesn’t make me a martyr!

Yeah - you wanted recognition!!

* , I thought he’d be chuffed with all the work*

Cam77 · 16/08/2020 12:29

His reaction was mean. Perhaps he’d have a rough day (not that excuses it). But why the note? Some people like notes, some people hate them, I think men in general aren’t too keen on them. Living with someone is completely different to dating them. Perhaps you’re not compatible. Or perhaps you just need to understand one another better.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 16/08/2020 12:30

@Whathastheworldbecome

I’m laughing at the comment that I’m a martyr. I’m also laughing at the other poster who commented that I’m no longer replying - as I already stated; I’m in work now.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have said anything about what had been done around the house, but that certainly doesn’t make me a martyr!

Living with this lazy, sexist slob is why you are a martyr.

Smallsteps88 · 16/08/2020 12:33

I got up with him at 7am and made him breakfast. While he was out I cleaned the house, hovered, mopped, dusted, walked the dog, cleaned the bedroom, cleaned the ensuite and the main bathroom and put fresh bedding on. I watered the lawn for him at his request. I ironed him clothes for work and made a slow cooker dinner. I also did a food shop. I worked all day trying to get the place in decent order so when he came home he wouldn’t have to do anything, he could just put his feet up.

So you did all this in your home, because it needs done, and you live there, and he can’t empty a bin in his home when it needs done.

There’s a lesson in there for you OP. I hope you learn it. Fast. And act.

damnthatanxiety · 16/08/2020 12:33

He sounds awful. This is the early stages when it is supposed to be fun. It only goes downhill. I would reconsider the relationship tbh

whereverwhenevernone · 16/08/2020 12:33

OH for God sake, its not being a martyr to expect someone not to be an rude arse to you when you ask them to do a simple task. Nor is it being a martyr to tell them, when they have been an arse, about all the work you have done that day. A woman stands up for herself, but she is being a martyr! Right

The issue here OP is that the way he spoke to you was full of contempt. Contempt and sarcasm destroy relationships. He's just not a nice guy.

I'd leave. Before you get married and have kids and its harder to leave.

damnthatanxiety · 16/08/2020 12:34

You are treating him like a king and he is treating you like a servant.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 16/08/2020 12:35

You didn't spoon feed him his brekkie and warm his slippers so he found fault. Honestly, you're a masochist. You know this man is a dirty, lazy slattern but insist on playing the Stepford wife to him (whilst you, too, work full-time).

Notredamn · 16/08/2020 12:36

OP mentioned that he does housework all the time, so is all the abuse directed at him on this thread warranted? He sounded irked at having a post-it note left out for him to read even though they were both at home at the time. As most people would be.

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