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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absolutely livid

468 replies

Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 08:09

My dp (3 years) went to work yesterday. We have only recently moved in together.

Before he went to work I got up with him at 7am and made him breakfast. While he was out I cleaned the house, hovered, mopped, dusted, walked the dog, cleaned the bedroom, cleaned the ensuite and the main bathroom and put fresh bedding on. I watered the lawn for him at his request. I ironed him clothes for work and made a slow cooker dinner. I also did a food shop. I worked all day trying to get the place in decent order so when he came home he wouldn’t have to do anything, he could just put his feet up.

I put one note on the fridge asking him to empty the kitchen bin. The reason I didn’t do it is because the outside bin needs compacted down, otherwise I’d have done it myself.

He comes home and goes straight to the fridge, looks at the note and states “do you not know how to empty a bin?” It wasn’t said with any sarcasm. He was being serious.

I was completely taken a back, I thought he’d be chuffed with all the work I’d done. I told him what I’d done all day and why I hadn’t emptied the bin. I then opened the fridge told him I’d gotten his favourite dessert in and I’d put water in the fridge for him as it was such a hot day.

His response was “yeah because that was really hard to do.”

I ended up taking the rubbish out myself and went for a bath and had a little cry. His response to this was to tell me he does housework all the time and doesn’t cast up about it which is what he felt I was doing. I just feel like crap today and has really put me off living with him.

OP posts:
Seeleyboo · 16/08/2020 11:07

So many women settle for the door mat career. Move out. It will get worse. Why can't women see this. Most posts tell you to move out and yet we will hear from you in few months.

Moranne · 16/08/2020 11:11

I think I understand.
In my last relationship we had a thing how whoever had some free time would do all of the chores so that when the other got home we could both relax and spend time together. This was the most important thing to us, so doing chores and going the extra mile was a real gift of love to each other.

In my current relationship? Well, let's just say that the dynamics are different and this led to some unintentionally hurt feelings at first. It took a while to realise how we were misunderstanding each other, but we kept talking and figured things out.

The house isn't as tidy as it used to be and when I go the extra mile with the housework, it's a gift to myself and I no longer look for praise or gratitude from DP.

LimitIsUp · 16/08/2020 11:11

Its going to be difficult to change him if he is entrenched in his ways. Have a proper discussion and air your issues, give him a few more weeks to see if he starts pulling his weight and then make a choice - if nothing changes do you want to keep on living with a lazy partner who thinks domestic chores are your job, or would you prefer to live separately and not have this constant grinding irritation?

I have been married 21 years and quite frankly might not have married dh had I known some of his habits and behaviours (we were a long distance relationship and didn't live together before marriage).

Notredamn · 16/08/2020 11:12

TBH I'm more sick of women doing small yet thoughtful things like putting water in the fridge, just so they can use it as leverage in arguments when they click their fingers and aren't obeyed straightaway.

billy1966 · 16/08/2020 11:15

So OP, your ambition was to move in with some unpleasant man and be his skivvy?

Well you have done it. Mission complete.🙄

We teach people how to treat us.

Your lack of self respect is awful to read.

You did the bin and went for a cry in the bath.🙄
Would you give your head a wobble.

You have just signed up for a shit life with a lazy, not very nice guy.

Try having a couple of children with him to experience the full 5☆ shit show of a life.

You deserve better.Flowers

LimitIsUp · 16/08/2020 11:17

I seriously doubt anyone does nice things like put a bottle of water in the fridge just to use it as potential leverage. Few people are that calculating

Billben · 16/08/2020 11:21

Nobody is using putting water in the fridge as a leverage. It just shows as an example of how much thought you put into doing nice things for the other person. The tiny little things that may go completely unnoticed.

ElspethFlashman · 16/08/2020 11:22

I read the OP and was horrified.

If you treat yourself like a servant, don't be surprised if someone else does.

Notredamn · 16/08/2020 11:25

@LimitIsUp and yet it was significant enough for OP to mention it. Martyrs do this stuff all the time. Do stuff they either don't need to do, weren't asked to do and then remark on it when they don't get their own way and follow it up with tears.

QuestionMarkNow · 16/08/2020 11:25

I think his reaction was shit, especially if you have moved in HIS house and it’s just the beginning.

However, I think he has a point.
There is no need to make a dance and sing about hoovering/cleaning etc because that’s what partners do in a relationship/partnership/living together.
What IS needed is a clear Understanding on what everyone responsibilities are.

I also think that the note (esp with your comment ‘that otherwise he was likely to forget’) wasn’t on. If it’s his house and he has lived there for a while, I’m pretty sure he is able to remember the bin and do it (after all he has been doing it in his own, wo reminders for a while). I suspect this came out as condescending.
I also suspect he lashed out because the underlying meaning is that he wouldn't be able to do it all in his own. Which if it was the other way around you would have found insulting.

So Imo you need

  • a talk about who is doing what when. Incl who is doing the ironing for who etc...
  • you being careful in not assuming he can’t do
Notredamn · 16/08/2020 11:27

Then she shouldn't do it then @Billben. Unless he is equally thoughtful. It just sounds like needless, misery making nitpicking.

ILoveFood87 · 16/08/2020 11:27

I don't expect praise for cleaning to be fair and I wouldn't give my partner any. If its your day off work and you live there then you clean it. He does sound rude though by what you have wrote.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 16/08/2020 11:27

FFS, another woman who runs after a man like a skivvy. Honestly, just stop right now. Your boyfriend is a lazy, sexist, immature, disrespectful slob who doesn't give a shit about you. This is who he is! If you want to become the house elf who is also supposed to proffer sex when he wants it no matter how tired you are, or you have a masochism fetish, then by all means crack on.

But you don't have to live like this. Find a real adult.

HesterShaw1 · 16/08/2020 11:28

Well this isnt going to work is it?

Do you want to spend your life like this?

Thuglife · 16/08/2020 11:28

I had one of these twats. Despite several showdowns it never improved & if anything got worse after having Dd.
Basically he believed it was my responsibility despite me doing everything for Dd as well . I grew to resent him so much & the fact he was an abusive drug hoovering prick didn’t help. He almost broke me completely & I did actually have a breakdown which he still holds me over me & tells my daughter I can’t cope & I’m ‘mental’.
He still expects me to do stuff for him and becomes abusive when I refuse. It doesn’t sound like your DP is on that level but he is treating you with a lack of respect and devaluing your contribution whilst actually not contributing much himself.
It’s up to you what you’re prepared to put up with but I’ve never regretted kicking ExP out . I’ve got my life and my home back- result Grin.

randomer · 16/08/2020 11:29

Don't have children with this idiot.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 16/08/2020 11:31

You're not livid enough. If you were, you'd move out (or tell him to move out).

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2020 11:33

FFS, another woman who runs after a man like a skivvy. Honestly, just stop right now. Your boyfriend is a lazy, sexist, immature, disrespectful slob who doesn't give a shit about you

I’m not sure he is, more I think irrelevant of gender if someone runs about after you like you’re some form of god, and makes themselves all subservient, then they loose respect for you and thus start to show it in the way they treat you,

If you act like you’re beneath them then at some point they start to believe it and treat you like you are.

canigooutyet · 16/08/2020 11:35

Sit down with him, have a chat about the division of the house stuff - cleaning, ironing, cooking, finances the works. If he's not willing to change, then dump him.

Or stay, have kids with him knowing you doing everything will be your future. Have you had that chat with him yet about being parents? I wouldn't be surprised if his plan has you staying at home.

Although personally I wouldn't have moved in with the minger to begin with. The state of his place when you were spending the night should have been a huge warning sign that he wanted a skivvy.

As for the bin, surely he was aware before the note and ensuing chat that you find it difficult?

Nikori · 16/08/2020 11:40

Leaving a note asking someone to take the bins out is a perfectly normal thing to do.

He's a lazy knob. I'd rather live alone than with someone like that.

Member869894 · 16/08/2020 11:43

op you sound like a 1950s housewife. Why are you running around after him? You need to ask yourself why you need his approval

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 16/08/2020 11:46

Sit down chats, rotas, training - none of this works with sexist, lazy pigs like this. Why? Because a) they don't give a shit and b) they see life work as women's work. It's like teaching a dog to read, a waste of effort.

Don't bother. He's shown you who he is. Love is respect. He doesn't have that for you.

Although personally I wouldn't have moved in with the minger to begin with. The state of his place when you were spending the night should have been a huge warning sign that he wanted a skivvy.

I agree 100%! I dumped men like this immediately, at the dating stage, it never got further. It's a sign the person is immature AF, and no, you don't need someone to teach you basic cleanliness if you're over 10, it's not rocket science. I even dumped men whose cars were middens.

Funny, he functions just fine at work because he knows he can't get away with expecting someone to skivvy for him.

Fuck that.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 16/08/2020 11:47

@Whathastheworldbecome

Ok, I’ll try communicating better next time. Thanks guys 😊
After 8 pages of comments, this is the only piece of advice you are taking from this thread?

Unless the communication is "Bye Dickhead" you really have not learned anything have you?

WeAllHaveWings · 16/08/2020 11:53

OP if you've only moved in together you need to start as you mean to go on. Better finding out sooner rather than later if he sees you as equal or just the maid. Do not allow him to make you into a nag constantly whining and complaining because he isn't pulling his weight. If you both work FT then ALL chores should be split evenly.

ZooKeeper19 · 16/08/2020 11:56

@Whathastheworldbecome so you are an unpaid maid? Wow. OK then. Some people have really low standards for both men, and relationships. The minute a man would talk to me like this His response to this was to tell me he does housework all the time and doesn’t cast up about it which is what he felt I was doing. I just feel like crap today and has really put me off living with him. I would be out like a wind. Why on earth are you with someone who treats you like a rag?