Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Absolutely livid

468 replies

Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 08:09

My dp (3 years) went to work yesterday. We have only recently moved in together.

Before he went to work I got up with him at 7am and made him breakfast. While he was out I cleaned the house, hovered, mopped, dusted, walked the dog, cleaned the bedroom, cleaned the ensuite and the main bathroom and put fresh bedding on. I watered the lawn for him at his request. I ironed him clothes for work and made a slow cooker dinner. I also did a food shop. I worked all day trying to get the place in decent order so when he came home he wouldn’t have to do anything, he could just put his feet up.

I put one note on the fridge asking him to empty the kitchen bin. The reason I didn’t do it is because the outside bin needs compacted down, otherwise I’d have done it myself.

He comes home and goes straight to the fridge, looks at the note and states “do you not know how to empty a bin?” It wasn’t said with any sarcasm. He was being serious.

I was completely taken a back, I thought he’d be chuffed with all the work I’d done. I told him what I’d done all day and why I hadn’t emptied the bin. I then opened the fridge told him I’d gotten his favourite dessert in and I’d put water in the fridge for him as it was such a hot day.

His response was “yeah because that was really hard to do.”

I ended up taking the rubbish out myself and went for a bath and had a little cry. His response to this was to tell me he does housework all the time and doesn’t cast up about it which is what he felt I was doing. I just feel like crap today and has really put me off living with him.

OP posts:
Clymene · 16/08/2020 10:13

@Whathastheworldbecome

Ok, I’ll try communicating better next time. Thanks guys 😊
No, don't do that. Move out.

He was a slob before you moved in and he's still one.

HE'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE

MaskingForIt · 16/08/2020 10:17

It's pretty common for women to do this over the top "look at what a door mat I am" thing when they first move in with a man. Sadly it sets the tone for the rest of the relationship.

Exactly this. Some women offer the full 1950s housewife package to their boyfriend, while also working full-time, and are then surprised when the boyfriend a. doesn’t want to get married, and b. never pulls his own weight.

Then they have a couple of kids and some crying to Mumsnet about why they have to do everything for the house and kids while also working, and how their (still boyfriend) doesn’t “help” at all.

honeylulu · 16/08/2020 10:18

Unless you WANT a chauvinist for a life partner, you aren't well matched and it will only get worse. Leave, and let him wallow in his own filth.

I'll bet anything you like that when you are at work all day and he has a day off he doesn't spend it scrubbing the house, ironing your clothes and preparing lovely meals for you. Am I right?

MoreListeningLessChatting · 16/08/2020 10:19

Oh no, that's not nice at all. I can't add anymore that what others have said.

Flowers
TheRedShoes75 · 16/08/2020 10:21

This is NOT about your ability to communicate. Clearly from your OP you communicate very well indeed.

This is about a complete and utter lack of respect for you and your time driven by misogyny. Throw in a couple of kids, some bad life events and ten years of marriage and you will hate him for this.

Seriously get out while you can.

willowmelangell · 16/08/2020 10:23

Listen to @LadyCatStark , this was me too. Don't be me.

Alittleodd · 16/08/2020 10:24

It's pretty common for women to do this over the top "look at what a door mat I am" thing when they first move in with a man. Sadly it sets the tone for the rest of the relationship.

I could manage it for about a day. Maybe.

Sometimes I do have 1950s housewife days where I do all the washing and clean something and do some form of educational activity with the child and walk the dog and bake and design a new household routine and sort the finances but then I have to spend a few days recovering from the mental exhaustion.

bottlenose301 · 16/08/2020 10:24

Ok he's out of order.

It sounds like you need to sit down with him, tell him what you're not happy about with who does what and see if anything can be changed or shared etc.

Communication is key here.

He sounds like an arsehole although context is everything.

Karwomannghia · 16/08/2020 10:26

He won’t have seen all the things you did, he will only have seen the note which got his back up and then he couldn’t climb down from that having a fragile male ego.

ballsdeep · 16/08/2020 10:26

You sound like a trad wife.
He sounds horrible. I'd drop doing everything for him and let him do stuff for himself

SchrodingersImmigrant · 16/08/2020 10:28

@MaskingForIt

It's pretty common for women to do this over the top "look at what a door mat I am" thing when they first move in with a man. Sadly it sets the tone for the rest of the relationship.

Exactly this. Some women offer the full 1950s housewife package to their boyfriend, while also working full-time, and are then surprised when the boyfriend a. doesn’t want to get married, and b. never pulls his own weight.

Then they have a couple of kids and some crying to Mumsnet about why they have to do everything for the house and kids while also working, and how their (still boyfriend) doesn’t “help” at all.

Sadly this is absolutely correct
BostonFernGreen · 16/08/2020 10:33

@bibbitybobbitycats
Yes you're totally right. I was just thinking if OP is already committed to him of ways of making it work.

If you love someone and have invested 3 years I think it's worth trying to change up the dynamics before leaving and often the same patterns repeat in relationships.

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 16/08/2020 10:36

This is your future if you stay.

backseatcookers · 16/08/2020 10:38

@JustHereWithMyPopcorn

This is your future if you stay.
This.
Notredamn · 16/08/2020 10:38

Don't be a wife to a boyfriend

Ah, we know what you think about wives then. As it happens, cleaning is part of being a normal adult. But not if only one person is doing it.

And yes, she does need to communicate better. You shouldn't speak to people via post-it notes, especially when they are right there and you are next to them, to the extent of opening up the fridge door for them, which the post-it is stuck to. Going off weeping isn't good communication, either. It's self-pitting, martyr behaviour. Which is why I think the OP was after praise all along.

Xenia · 16/08/2020 10:39

I found it helped to earn a lot more than my husband and we both did as much at home (as both worked full time).

backseatcookers · 16/08/2020 10:43

@MaskingForIt

Don’t be a wife to a boyfriend.

Wtf?! Do you see it as a wife's duty to do all the household chores and work? Wow.

Don't be a mug to a boyfriend would be more accurate.

Or don't have a lazy bastard for a boyfriend.

kazzer2867 · 16/08/2020 10:43

Looks like he got himself a free housekeeper when you moved in...

^^This.

I voted yabu. I'm really fed up of all these posts where women are acting as unpaid housekeepers for their partners and then turn up here to complain. Sorry, you have a choice in this, but are still ironing the shirts of a 'man' who doesn't do his fair share. Come on OP, don't you want better for yourself.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 16/08/2020 10:44

Tell him to go fuck himself - he won't change.

LannieDuck · 16/08/2020 10:45

Why are you making his breakfast and ironing his shirts? Does he do that for you on your work days?

I can't tell from your post how much housework he actually does. If it's about even, then I need to ask why it's all blown up so much over one thing.

...if it isn't about even, can you re-balance it? And if you can't, I wouldn't hang about.

Given this has happened shortly after you've started living together, I think you both need to have an open conversation about expectations and fair division of labour.

vixxo · 16/08/2020 10:45

Sorry but he sounds like a c*

Ch0colatecake · 16/08/2020 10:53

Whathastheworldbecome You woke up to make him breakfast?? Does he not know how to make it himself. You wanted to put water in the fridge for him cos it was hot?? Stop babying this overgrown man. And stop doing so much around the house, what chores does he actually do??

PamDemic · 16/08/2020 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

footprintsintheslow · 16/08/2020 10:58

Sounds like OP is off never to return again.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 16/08/2020 11:05

Tbh it is nice to sometimes do something nice for a partner, like make a breakfast or buy them a sweet they like. But! It's not ok when it's very one sided (quite sounds like here) or when you are doing just to get the praise (bit sounds like here).