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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absolutely livid

468 replies

Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 08:09

My dp (3 years) went to work yesterday. We have only recently moved in together.

Before he went to work I got up with him at 7am and made him breakfast. While he was out I cleaned the house, hovered, mopped, dusted, walked the dog, cleaned the bedroom, cleaned the ensuite and the main bathroom and put fresh bedding on. I watered the lawn for him at his request. I ironed him clothes for work and made a slow cooker dinner. I also did a food shop. I worked all day trying to get the place in decent order so when he came home he wouldn’t have to do anything, he could just put his feet up.

I put one note on the fridge asking him to empty the kitchen bin. The reason I didn’t do it is because the outside bin needs compacted down, otherwise I’d have done it myself.

He comes home and goes straight to the fridge, looks at the note and states “do you not know how to empty a bin?” It wasn’t said with any sarcasm. He was being serious.

I was completely taken a back, I thought he’d be chuffed with all the work I’d done. I told him what I’d done all day and why I hadn’t emptied the bin. I then opened the fridge told him I’d gotten his favourite dessert in and I’d put water in the fridge for him as it was such a hot day.

His response was “yeah because that was really hard to do.”

I ended up taking the rubbish out myself and went for a bath and had a little cry. His response to this was to tell me he does housework all the time and doesn’t cast up about it which is what he felt I was doing. I just feel like crap today and has really put me off living with him.

OP posts:
chubbyhotchoc · 16/08/2020 19:03

I wouldn't even do all that for my husband let alone a 'partner'

chickenyhead · 16/08/2020 19:10

He is behaving like an entitled brat. He was out of order and should have just apologised.

I don't think that you should have answered him at all, let alone given a detailed explanation.

custardbear · 16/08/2020 22:10

I bloody hate partners who can't do grown up - your partner needs to do grown up jobs, prick!🙄

RaspberryBeret1999 · 17/08/2020 01:30

Twenty years ago, it could’ve been me writing this post. But, you know what, we were both living together for the first time, finding our feet and working it out. We are now happily married with two kids, and STILL working it all out. Ups and downs, highs and lows. Only you know if this is the hill you decide to leave or not, not us, strangers on the internet who have been given a mere snippet of your day.

Yeah, your dp was an arse in his response. My husband was too, but we worked together, listened to each other, and made it right. Not perfect, cause, really, who has a ‘perfect’ relationship? Have a chat when things have calmed. Yep, a note might’ve not been the best way to go, but if he’s a good one, he’ll listen to your point of view, and vice versa.

Good luck! x

Tellmetruth4 · 17/08/2020 02:15

To be honest it sounds like you’re DP finds your actions irritating which is why he snapped. On the surface having your partner get up with you to make breakfast etc sounds nice but it would probably irritate and unnerve me at some level.

It sounds like you moved into his home and therefore knew his standards before you got there. You then decided to do lots of work he finds unnecessary then post what could’ve been interpreted as a passive aggressive note. Then you wanted praise for things he never asked for and wasn’t interested in doing. Maybe he doesn’t find the Stepford wife thing appealing. Maybe he’s worried about how living together will pan out, whether you’ll start getting on it at him more to change, be more tidy or expect him to get up on his day off to make breakfast. maybe he’s the kind of guy who would’ve been happier for you if you took the day to relax, watch Netflix and do the one thing he did ask which is water the garden.

He lived on his own previously and was clearly ok with the mess. You knew how he lived and now you want to change him. Sounds like he’s irritated as he doesn’t want to live like that or with someone who will post notes rather than speak to him.

Yes the house is now clean but I can see why he may be unnerved and irritable.

longtimecomin · 17/08/2020 03:34

@Eddielzzard

Well now you know it's expected and doesn't warrant any appreciation or even notice. He isn't prepared to lift a finger. Not one. And your work will be met with sarcasm and sneering.

Is this what you want? Because he's being very clear that this is what you'll be getting.

Personally, I'd move on. Having a partner who doesn't respect you will grind you down.

What Eddie Izzard said.
CiCiFreakingBabcock · 17/08/2020 04:23

Migod, he sounds a bit of an arse. I couldn't be bothered with all that rubbish, both literal and figurative. If this happened to me, rather than pissing around doing all that stuff that he neither appreciates nor sees, I'd be putting my efforts and energy into finding somewhere else to live and packing. On the upside, you don't have children/not pregnant (do/are you?!) so it can be a nice clean "rip-the-plaster-off break.

NinkiNonkiNikau · 17/08/2020 04:40

Separate homes - it’s the best way. I dream of being able to shed my messy, mess making chores averse dh from my living space - but he does pull his weight in other areas of the marriage

TorgosPizza · 17/08/2020 04:48

At best, you have different standards and expectations from life and one another. At worst, he's an unappreciative jerk. Either way, I'd want more love and respect from my partner. Otherwise, what's the point of having one?

Mbhatescf123 · 17/08/2020 05:09

She made the same mistake that countless other of us thoughtful people do. She expected him to appreciate what she had done and that she had only expected one tiny task to gratefully be done, but sadly our kind end up being shocked and hurt because far from ever making a fuss about what we have done we underplay it and this is why she cried as it was genuine shock at his ingratitude and being unfairly accused of making a song and dance about what she had done. This awful mam is entitled and sees it in the way he wants to see it as though she was being demanding asking him to take the bin out and he is explaining his attitude away as though she was actually going on about what she has done because he is determined not to acknowledge with any gratitude what she has done for him and he feels like of be takes the bin out without a fuss then she may expect him to do something extra next time. He knows he's being unreasonable and is deflecting angrily because he wants to make sure that she keeps doing everything and that if he shows any understanding about her just wanting him to take out the bin to show a tiny bit of gratitude, then he will be acknowledging that you have done a lot and his way he hope you will keep on trying to 'please him'. Don't because whenever he thinks his easy life is at risk he will make out as though he is grateful just so you do it again, but then as soon as it's done Nd you want a little respect shown he will make sure he doesn't do it, but will have an excuse ready each time about why he was going to but you ruined it, but it will always be so unjust that you will end up upset, crying and trying to explain to him how you feel and this will never get you anywhere as he will just keep pretending to misunderstand you and you will be accused of being a martyr, being demanding and high maintenance when he's tired and wasn't wanting an argument but he will say you started an argument. Any tears will give him an excuse to call you dramatic or belittle you. Then when you approach it calmly he will say you were talking down to him and being patronising. The only thing you can do is not do the things for him and when he moans or tries to guilt trip or make out you are lazy that you didn't want to risk him thinking that you were going to make a big song and dance and that you decided that it wasn't worth risking the two of you falling out so you are relaxing your expectations to ensure you are both on the same page and their is no misunderstandings. Then any mean attitude ignore or claims of you being lazy and if he persists act mystified as you were trying to make him happy as he said you only did those things to nag him and guilt him. He won't like it as he can't twist it how he likes as he has hung himself with his ridiculous claims. Don't give in or believe he is really grateful when he pretends just so he can get you to do everything yourself again. Perhaps even ask patronisingly doesn't he know how to do it if he singles out a task to berate you for not doing. I guarantee he will be outraged but will not be able to complain too much as he said it to you about the bin and he isn't going to want you pointing out its the same. Don't be the martyr as that's what he will be counting on to win you round to doing everything again and he will know you are hoping desperately he will show you that tiny bit of gratitude that would mean the world to you....he won't as it doesn't serve his purpose and he wants you upset and whining or moaning so he can tell you that you are ridiculous

Wallywobbles · 17/08/2020 05:25

I get it. You did a bunch of shit you don't particularly like doing to be kind and because it needed doing. Kindness is the basis of good healthy relationships.

He however is not kind in return and refuses to see your kindnesses.

Not good.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 17/08/2020 05:33

Quite honestly, if you're gonna behave like a 1950's housewife then don't be surprised when your OH behaves like a dinosaur. Women are socialised for do the "wife work" and men are socialised to expect it, so don't fall into that trap. Don't set that gender norm standard especially so early on. Why did you do all that work? Ironing his shirts? Doesn't he know how to iron?

Wearywithteens · 17/08/2020 16:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Alicatz66 · 17/08/2020 17:29

No way would I get up and make DH breakfast on my day off !!!! .... My DH gets up super early so he brings me a cup of tea in bed .... you probably had a cry because you were so tired !!!!

Clonakilty · 17/08/2020 17:29

Tomorrow you do nothing except walk the dog. He can sod off. Go out and don’t come back until we’ll into the night. Do t tell him where you are. He doesn’t own you!

Tubs11 · 17/08/2020 17:29

dump (no pun intended) him now! You are doing far far to much for him anyway and its not sustainable. Not to mention he sounds miserable

retirementrocks · 17/08/2020 17:30

There's truth in the old saying "The more you do the more you may". Right now you are making a rod for your own back so set your stall out NOW! Presumably he has lived on his own and can do things for himself?

EyesOpening · 17/08/2020 17:31

Haven’t RTFT but you’ve probably made a rod for your own back there, start as you mean to go on, as they say

snazzypants19 · 17/08/2020 17:34

He sounds a rude, ignorant pig! I wouldn’t want to live with someone who spoke to me like that. Find yourself a decent partner x

carolb10 · 17/08/2020 17:36

I really was waiting for the punch line I thought it was a joke :O

AdoraBell · 17/08/2020 17:36

Sorry if this is a cross post/you’ve already posted, I have RTFT- too stressed right now.

Move out, or kick him out. This will get worse if you don't get rid of him.

Carriecakes80 · 17/08/2020 17:37

In 14 years of marriage my husband has moaned at my lack of housework only once, and he has never been allowed to forget it!
Yes I have four kids, and I have a messy house, messy, not dirty (big difference lol) but to be spoken to like that, I would be seeing warning signs big time.
I just couldn't be with someone who disrespects me like that...he's be gone!
I guess now you either tell him how hurt you feel and that you won't stand for it, or you will slowly get used to being spoken to like some old Maid and end up resenting him...

roxanne119 · 17/08/2020 17:38

Get out of dodge 😳

bigmumsymcgraw · 17/08/2020 17:40

Put him out with the rubbish - he wont improve

peachdribble · 17/08/2020 17:40

You've been warned. LTB!