Absolutely livid

[Whathastheworldbecome]

My dp (3 years) went to work yesterday. We have only recently moved in together.

Before he went to work I got up with him at 7am and made him breakfast. While he was out I cleaned the house, hovered, mopped, dusted, walked the dog, cleaned the bedroom, cleaned the ensuite and the main bathroom and put fresh bedding on. I watered the lawn for him at his request. I ironed him clothes for work and made a slow cooker dinner. I also did a food shop. I worked all day trying to get the place in decent order so when he came home he wouldn’t have to do anything, he could just put his feet up.

I put one note on the fridge asking him to empty the kitchen bin. The reason I didn’t do it is because the outside bin needs compacted down, otherwise I’d have done it myself.

He comes home and goes straight to the fridge, looks at the note and states “do you not know how to empty a bin?” It wasn’t said with any sarcasm. He was being serious.

I was completely taken a back, I thought he’d be chuffed with all the work I’d done. I told him what I’d done all day and why I hadn’t emptied the bin. I then opened the fridge told him I’d gotten his favourite dessert in and I’d put water in the fridge for him as it was such a hot day.

His response was “yeah because that was really hard to do.”

I ended up taking the rubbish out myself and went for a bath and had a little cry. His response to this was to tell me he does housework all the time and doesn’t cast up about it which is what he felt I was doing. I just feel like crap today and has really put me off living with him.

@Whathastheworldbecome

I’ve obviously got a lot of thinking to do!

Do, have a good think, because he's really not that into you, and you have moved into his house and set yourself up as house skivvy.

It's really not a good look.

It really sounds like you are trying far to hard and he knows it.

This is not a good dynamic.

It certainly isn't a recipe for a healthy, happy, long term relationship.

It's a recipe for a long hard life full of regrets.

He's showing you EXACTLY who he is.
Believe him.

Ignore what is right in front of you at your peril.

I find this a bit off as well, you have to be careful how you time requests to your husband. Why? What is a 'bad outcome' if you ask him something before he's had time to 'decompress'? Why can't adults have adult conversations without worrying that someone might react badly because you have allegedly asked at the wrong moment for them? We have all been cranky after a bad day at work. It is no excuse to then snap at your partner when you get home. And why is it often men who seem to 'suffer' from this work pressure put on them, giving them carte blanche to behave badly. Can you imagine a hard working wife and mother coming in from a stressy day at the office and saying she couldn't deal with the kids tea, homework and bed because she needed time to decompress?

This ^ with bells on.

You get up to make him breakfast. You get him in HIS favourite dessert.You chill water in the fridge for him. You iron his clothes.

You are infantalising this man and making a rod for your own back. Hope you are not planning kids with him--you'll be doing everything!!

The more you post, the worse he sounds. Lazy, dirty, ungrateful and rude. What a prince.

@Whathastheworldbecome, if you are doing all the cleaning whine yu are off work but he isn’t doing as much, as in all the hw that needs doing, preparing you b’fast rather than staying in bed, ironing your clothes as well as his etc...

THEN he is using you as a skivvy.

YOU think you are doing something nice, something normal that everyone and anyone would do. But he is using the work pattern as an excuse to fully rely on you AND get grumpy when you ask him to do something such as the bins.
I suspect you were already aware about the imbalance which is why the comment annoyed you so much.

Have you talked about responsibilities re the hw when you moved in? Have you talked about standards of re cleaning/tidying? Where does he stand on that (Aka did he live in a squalor before you moved in??)

It feels like you have stopped right in the role of the 1950s housewife, even if unwillingly and unconsciously. Under the wish to do nice things for him (which is totally fair enough), you end up doing it all because he DOESNT see any of that as ‘nice things to do for your partner’. It is entirely possible that he actually sees what you do as a given instead.

Please, talk to him and review who is doing what.

Then and only then you can talk about whether it’s appropriate to bring the issue of you doing all the tidying, him needing reminding about the bin (why, but why when he has been doing that for ages when he was living in his own??) etc etc

Why on earth would you put a note on the fridge? I think I’d be pissed off if that’s the first thing I saw after a day at work. It makes your small request very formal and almost like an order. Couldn’t you have just verbally asked him once a bit later on in the evening? On another note why the hell are you getting up with him and cooking his breakfast in the morning? He’s not a child.

YABU for doing it all in the first place.

I find it very strange that you left a note for him on the fridge - you were home when he got back so why would you not just ask him?

It all seems very PA and martyr-ish.

Ok, I’ll try communicating better next time.

Dear @Whathastheworldbecome

Is your take away from this really that you need to communicate better? I sincerely hope not

I do these things because I love and care for him. Surely that’s normal to want to do nice things for your partner?

How does he express his love for you?

What did you agree about who would do what for the household chores?

It reads as if he has you where he wants you. He thinks that he can get you to try harder by criticising one small thing.

I hope you Prove him wrong rather than rolling over and trying even harder. Imaging what having children might be like with this man.

Sounds like he wants a free housekeeper. (And an actual housekeeper would not put up with this sort of sneering.) Does he actually do lots of housework???

You could remind him that even in the super-conventional May household, Philip was the one who took the bins out!

I don't understand why people are calling you a martyr OP, but I've mainly read your responses.

Did he apologize after he was nasty to you about the bins? What nice things does he do for you? How does he show you that he cares? What things does he do to make your life better and easier?

My bet is that you do more for him that he does for you. And you are willing for him to talk down to you which is very sad. I would be very sad if my DD was in this situation with someone who does not appreciate her and what she does for the relationship.

Tbf you really couldn’t empty the bin?? Even put the bag beside the wheelie bin. If it needs compaction I doubt he has giraffe legs. I’d have given it a go.
BUT he is a massive twat for being so rude and disrespectful to you. Keep your domestic standards low because you are nominating yourself to do it all. I made this mistake, and tell my daughters do not elect yourself as the resident dogs body.

@Whathastheworldbecome

To be honest I haven’t been happy with the division of the chores. He never cleans his bathroom, there is dirt and hair everywhere. If it wasn’t for me cleaning it it wouldn’t get cleaned. I know he won’t clean it because In all the time I’ve been with him it’s pretty much always been that way. There’s mould on the ceiling because he doesn’t put the extractor fan on or open the window after the shower. It just all gets me down.

And you want another 50 years of this maybe - ewwwww...

He’s not going to appreciate the cleaning because he doesn’t see the dirt. You’re not happy about the division of labour in the cleaning and the solution you have found is to do it all for you both. Are you going to bring it up? My thought is it will descend into a fight.

To be honest I haven’t been happy with the division of the chores. He never cleans his bathroom, there is dirt and hair everywhere. If it wasn’t for me cleaning it it wouldn’t get cleaned. I know he won’t clean it because In all the time I’ve been with him it’s pretty much always been that way. There’s mould on the ceiling because he doesn’t put the extractor fan on or open the window after the shower. It just all gets me down.

You're getting shirty with people OP but you said the above - it sounds like he's a lazy dirty manchild and that's why people think it's silly to be picking up the slack instead of expecting him to do half and when that doesn't happen on an ongoing basis, considering leaving as it's disrespectful and shows he thinks it's your job to clean up after his shit. Almost literally.

Just rereading your OP. You spent the whole of your day off cleaning and running around after him (I note that as well as making his food, cleaning his house and ironing his clothes, he also told you to water the garden) so that he could 'put his feet up' when he got home.

When you asked him to take the bin out, he refused and told you it was his job. You tried to placate him by showing him that not only had you spent the whole day skivvying for him, you had done even more kind things.

And he threw that back in your face too. Because you displeased him by asking him to contribute to keeping his home clean and tidy.

You admitted in subsequent posts that not only was he a complete slob (and so he wouldn't have been rushing around cleaning the house when he got home would he?) but that he never does you small kindnesses.

This man is not just lazy, he is actively Not Nice to you. I wonder how much time you spend trying to find ways to please him? Quite a lot I expect. And then you have a little spark of trying to get him to show you a bit of respect and appreciation and he makes it very clear that isn't how this works.

Honestly OP, please read your posts (you can highlight by OP) in a row. Ask yourself why you love him? What does he do to make you feel loved, cherished, special?

Because it feels to me that nothing you ever do is going to be good enough. And you deserve a lot better in life than this.

@Clymene

Just rereading your OP. You spent the whole of your day off cleaning and running around after him (I note that as well as making his food, cleaning his house and ironing his clothes, he also told you to water the garden) so that he could 'put his feet up' when he got home.

When you asked him to take the bin out, he refused and told you it was his job. You tried to placate him by showing him that not only had you spent the whole day skivvying for him, you had done even more kind things.

And he threw that back in your face too. Because you displeased him by asking him to contribute to keeping his home clean and tidy.

You admitted in subsequent posts that not only was he a complete slob (and so he wouldn't have been rushing around cleaning the house when he got home would he?) but that he never does you small kindnesses.

This man is not just lazy, he is actively Not Nice to you. I wonder how much time you spend trying to find ways to please him? Quite a lot I expect. And then you have a little spark of trying to get him to show you a bit of respect and appreciation and he makes it very clear that isn't how this works.

Honestly OP, please read your posts (you can highlight by OP) in a row. Ask yourself why you love him? What does he do to make you feel loved, cherished, special?

Because it feels to me that nothing you ever do is going to be good enough. And you deserve a lot better in life than this.

This is really well put.

Get some self respect fgs.

The one “job” he asked you to do was water the garden.

You took it upon yourself to do everything else

The one “job” he asked you to do was water the garden.

Yes and not how OP didn't reply with 'Don't you know how to do it?'

I think you need to move back out, tbis isnt going to improve. The way he kept his bathroom since you've known him should have given you a.clue that he was pretty gross and lazy in his domestic habits.

Also, he's just not nice, is he?

“Absolutely livid” - I thought this was about something serious!

OP you are being ridiculous in doing that much for him and especially wanting his recognition for it. In my experiences blokes don't work like that - start as you mean to go on, split the housework, don't cook him breakfast unless there was a blue moon the night before and he irons his own stuff. He sounds an ungrateful wanker. Sorry to be blunt but in a few years if you have a kid with him you'll be saying how much you do and how little he does - because that's how you have let him be.

@popcornlover

“Absolutely livid” - I thought this was about something serious!

I thought it might be about Gerald the Gorilla.

Seriously, OP, as everyone has said, you can't force someone to treat you with respect if they don't have any. And he doesn't.

Jeez we both do house chores but we always thank each other for doing them and always have done. Makes the other person feel appreciated. Big fat red flag there....