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AIBU?

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Absolutely livid

468 replies

Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 08:09

My dp (3 years) went to work yesterday. We have only recently moved in together.

Before he went to work I got up with him at 7am and made him breakfast. While he was out I cleaned the house, hovered, mopped, dusted, walked the dog, cleaned the bedroom, cleaned the ensuite and the main bathroom and put fresh bedding on. I watered the lawn for him at his request. I ironed him clothes for work and made a slow cooker dinner. I also did a food shop. I worked all day trying to get the place in decent order so when he came home he wouldn’t have to do anything, he could just put his feet up.

I put one note on the fridge asking him to empty the kitchen bin. The reason I didn’t do it is because the outside bin needs compacted down, otherwise I’d have done it myself.

He comes home and goes straight to the fridge, looks at the note and states “do you not know how to empty a bin?” It wasn’t said with any sarcasm. He was being serious.

I was completely taken a back, I thought he’d be chuffed with all the work I’d done. I told him what I’d done all day and why I hadn’t emptied the bin. I then opened the fridge told him I’d gotten his favourite dessert in and I’d put water in the fridge for him as it was such a hot day.

His response was “yeah because that was really hard to do.”

I ended up taking the rubbish out myself and went for a bath and had a little cry. His response to this was to tell me he does housework all the time and doesn’t cast up about it which is what he felt I was doing. I just feel like crap today and has really put me off living with him.

OP posts:
Palavah · 16/08/2020 12:58

@Notredamn OP said that her partner says he does housework all the time.

Based on her observation of the state of the place, OP's clearly thinks there's more housework that needs to be done because her partner doesn't do it.

Jenasaurus · 16/08/2020 12:59

This will only get worse, I would take this as a huge red flag, this is how your future will be. Do you want that?

Notredamn · 16/08/2020 13:00

@Palavah then she needs to either take on the bathroom as one of her tasks and acknowledge he does other aspects of housework, employ a cleaner as neither want to do it, or move out and be single (and do 100% of cleaning and tidying).

Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 13:01

I’ve obviously got a lot of thinking to do!

OP posts:
AdoreTheBeach · 16/08/2020 13:02

I completely understand where you’re coming from op. I would feel the same

I have experienced this myself. What I have learned over time about my DH is to wait until he’s decompressed from work, had something to drink (I don’t mean alcohol - he doesn’t drink enough fluids and it impacts his moods) and something to eat.

Then if I ask him to do something, it’s a far better outcome than if it’s first thing after work. That’s been both in the past when he was commuting to WiFi and still now that he’s WFH due to pandemic.

My DH doesn’t like written notes for some reason but if I what’s app, he’s perfectly fine. I used to leave notes about not sure why he took issue with that but I put it down to a guy thing

HollowTalk · 16/08/2020 13:03

@Whathastheworldbecome

Yes I also work full time. We both have pretty full on jobs
So you are spending your day off cleaning up the house. What does he do on his days off?

Quite honestly, I'd leave. This is a sign of how your life is going to be if you stay with this complete and utter prick.

Vodkacranberryplease · 16/08/2020 13:03

You are making a rod for your own back acting like 50s housewife and expecting gratitude and praise. A lot of men don't care about having breakfast made or their favourite desert or their ironing done, they care about the connection, and the sex.

He doesn't feel cared for when you do all the housework- he probably feels mummied. Do you want to be his mummy? Mop his poor ickle brow when he's sick and say there there here's a nice milky drink?

You both have proper jobs. Ffs. Draw up a grown up list of chores and divide them up. Make non negotiable rules. And hire a fucking cleaner.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 16/08/2020 13:05

@Whathastheworldbecome

I’ve obviously got a lot of thinking to do!
It doesn't take a lot.

'Do I want to be a house elf for the rest of my life?' 'No.' Then you need to leave.

Fuck lists, rotas, chats, etc. This will never get better and in fact will get worse.

In the meantime, stop making him bloody breakfast and ironing his clothes and wiping up his shit and hair in his bathroom and use that time to find another place to live.

Notwiththeseknees · 16/08/2020 13:06

I would be moving out again pretty soon. He sounds like a selfish man-child and he wouldn't get the opportunity to say that to me again...

The trouble with this sort of thing is it could lead to you doing more and more to earn his approbation - you working like a skivvy so that you get a kind word or a hug or a smile. He will throw you a bone to keep you interested in the relationship, but in my experience this kind of thing never improves for the skivvy, but the master of the house gets quite a few years of super service until the penny finally drops.

Harriedharriet · 16/08/2020 13:07

@Whathastheworldbecome

My dp (3 years) went to work yesterday. We have only recently moved in together.

Before he went to work I got up with him at 7am and made him breakfast. While he was out I cleaned the house, hovered, mopped, dusted, walked the dog, cleaned the bedroom, cleaned the ensuite and the main bathroom and put fresh bedding on. I watered the lawn for him at his request. I ironed him clothes for work and made a slow cooker dinner. I also did a food shop. I worked all day trying to get the place in decent order so when he came home he wouldn’t have to do anything, he could just put his feet up.

I put one note on the fridge asking him to empty the kitchen bin. The reason I didn’t do it is because the outside bin needs compacted down, otherwise I’d have done it myself.

He comes home and goes straight to the fridge, looks at the note and states “do you not know how to empty a bin?” It wasn’t said with any sarcasm. He was being serious.

I was completely taken a back, I thought he’d be chuffed with all the work I’d done. I told him what I’d done all day and why I hadn’t emptied the bin. I then opened the fridge told him I’d gotten his favourite dessert in and I’d put water in the fridge for him as it was such a hot day.

His response was “yeah because that was really hard to do.”

I ended up taking the rubbish out myself and went for a bath and had a little cry. His response to this was to tell me he does housework all the time and doesn’t cast up about it which is what he felt I was doing. I just feel like crap today and has really put me off living with him.

OP - in the kindest possible way you moved in as a partner NOT a cleaner or his mother. Behave like it. Start as you mean to go etc.
DopamineHits · 16/08/2020 13:12

Surely that’s normal to want to do nice things for your partner?

Yes, it is...

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 16/08/2020 13:14

Do your thinking.

and include thoughts on what it might be like if you two had children ... will he likely dump whatever he can't be bothered with on you? Even though you, too, have a full time job and already do well more than your share?

Reedwarbler · 16/08/2020 13:18

@AdoreTheBeach you see, I find this a bit off as well, you have to be careful how you time requests to your husband. Why? What is a 'bad outcome' if you ask him something before he's had time to 'decompress'? Why can't adults have adult conversations without worrying that someone might react badly because you have allegedly asked at the wrong moment for them? We have all been cranky after a bad day at work. It is no excuse to then snap at your partner when you get home. And why is it often men who seem to 'suffer' from this work pressure put on them, giving them carte blanche to behave badly. Can you imagine a hard working wife and mother coming in from a stressy day at the office and saying she couldn't deal with the kids tea, homework and bed because she needed time to decompress?

backseatcookers · 16/08/2020 13:21

[quote Reedwarbler]@AdoreTheBeach you see, I find this a bit off as well, you have to be careful how you time requests to your husband. Why? What is a 'bad outcome' if you ask him something before he's had time to 'decompress'? Why can't adults have adult conversations without worrying that someone might react badly because you have allegedly asked at the wrong moment for them? We have all been cranky after a bad day at work. It is no excuse to then snap at your partner when you get home. And why is it often men who seem to 'suffer' from this work pressure put on them, giving them carte blanche to behave badly. Can you imagine a hard working wife and mother coming in from a stressy day at the office and saying she couldn't deal with the kids tea, homework and bed because she needed time to decompress?[/quote]
This is true all too often where both partners work but the woman is described as doing housework / cleaning while the man is described as 'helping' for doing the same. Or my personal pet peeve, when dads are described as 'babysitting' their own children if their mum goes out somewhere. "Isn't he good, such a hands on dad." I have never in my life heard someone use the phrase "hands on mum"...

GeorgiaWeLoveYou · 16/08/2020 13:23

You're acting like his carer/housewife/mother of a toddler. You're doing too much for him (e.g. making him breakfast???) and it seems like you're trying to pack in as many chores into one day to make him happy. That's no way to live. And, he sounds awful. Truly horrible. Please don't stay with a man who treats you like that.

mumof2exhausted · 16/08/2020 13:31

Why on earth would you get up at 7am if you weren’t going to work / had kids to sort? He’s not your child he’s a fully grown man. Yes if you’re home in the day of course do some housework although it does sound like you’ve done it just to get his approval which is odd

Nikori · 16/08/2020 13:31

Surely that’s normal to want to do nice things for your partner?

Yes, but only if it works both ways. Does he do nice things for you? Does he make you breakfast? Clean up and make dinner for you so you can come home to a nice clean house and cooked meal? Does he take out the rubbish without being asked because he knows you struggle with it? Oh, wait, we already know the answer to the last one.

If it' just you doing nice things and him being a dick, then it's not worth anything. If you do nice things for eah other, then it's perfect.

Northernparent68 · 16/08/2020 13:35

Op, you’re being a martyr

ItsAllAFugazi · 16/08/2020 13:51

Yeah, fuck that and him.

Waytoomuch82 · 16/08/2020 13:52

Op
I remember you from another thread.

It’s your DP’s house and you moved in, correct? Very recently.

So when you moved in - was he particularly bothered about housework?

I suspect you want a nice clean house (fair enough). Something he’s not normal ever been bothered about.

Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 13:52

Not being a martyr - I do housework all the time with no expectation of gratitude. I do it because it needs to be done & I want the house to look nice. Also I never usually complain about doing it, yesterday was a different kettle of fish

OP posts:
Waytoomuch82 · 16/08/2020 13:54

And you didn’t make him breakfast or buy his favourite dessert because you “love and care for him”

You wanted to treat him. Again, fair enough enough.

But you wanted thanks and praise. And you were pissed you didn’t get it or didn’t get it sufficiently effusively.

You are a martyr OP.

Buck up!

Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 14:07

You’re missing the point - surely the gesture of taking the bin out would have been thanks

I’ve pulled my weight all day, why can’t he do his part?

And this makes me a martyr. Right Hmm

OP posts:
Waytoomuch82 · 16/08/2020 14:20

And your response to him saying that

*I then opened the fridge told him I’d gotten his favourite dessert in and I’d put water in the fridge for him as it was such a hot day.. And “I went and had a little cry”

But actually you are “absolutely livid”

Pretty much poster girl for martyrdom!

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 16/08/2020 14:31

@Whathastheworldbecome

You’re missing the point - surely the gesture of taking the bin out would have been thanks

I’ve pulled my weight all day, why can’t he do his part?

And this makes me a martyr. Right Hmm

Because he doesn't give a shit! What's it going to take for you to get it? He doesn't care about the house looking nice, you knew that going in. If you do, accept that you're assuming the role of house elf and there will never be any thanks or gratitude for this or stuff like making him bloody breakfast, ironing his shirts, washing the shit out of his toilet and picking up his pubes in the bath, putting water in the fridge or picking up his favourite dessert. He doesn't care! If you want thanks or even him pulling his weight, it's not going to happen. Expecting this and still doing the donkey work makes you a mug and a martyr.

He doesn't care.

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