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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up of DH

86 replies

OhToBeASeahorse · 15/08/2020 17:48

I'm 32 weeks pregnant. We were having work done on our house. We have a 2 year old.

This week we have stayed with friends because the builders were knocking down walls. DH was at our house every day to work and then came back to our friends. Our cat usually sleeps in the areas being done so I suggested letting her sleep anywhere else to minimise mess and upset for her.

I've come back today to find he has been leaving the door to the areas being done open every night, so dust has travelled all over the house and the cat has made it worse.

Toddler hasn't being sleeping well. I asked DH to listen out for him one evening so I could have a bath (I'm doing 95% of wake ups). I came out to find DS very upset - DH had had the monitor on low and 'hadnt heard him'- took me 45 mins to get him off to sleep

DH took DS shopping this afternoon while.i cleaned. I said we really needed fruit and bread. He's come back with 4 green bananas and nothing else. When I pointed this out he has stormed out the house to get more because I 'pick him up on everything'.

This morning I expressed concern that if the baby arrives early he wont be able to come.as he has work commitments. He said 'not a lot i can do about that'.I was looking for some constructive help for a back up plan.

I'm fucking exhausted and he's doing my head in.

OP posts:

Original poster

OhToBeASeahorse · 15/08/2020 17:49

Sorry I should say he came back with other food, just no other fruit

OP posts:

VimFuego101 · 15/08/2020 17:52

YANBU. Presumably he's not this incapable at work, so it's more that he can't be bothered than actual stupidity.

Original poster

OhToBeASeahorse · 15/08/2020 17:53

He says I get at him for everything but I just cannot cope with this. He's supposed to be helpful.

OP posts:

Original poster

OhToBeASeahorse · 15/08/2020 18:22

He's come.back with flowers as an apology but he had come back with chocolate as an apology less than half an hour before that episode.

I'm under too much stress to deal with this

OP posts:

QuestionMarkNow · 15/08/2020 18:23

Stop facilitating him.

He didn’t hear the bay, he gets up, settle him down to sleep, even if it takes 45mins.
He ‘forget’ what you asked him to pick up at the shop? You send him back with a list so he doesnt forget again.

He leaves the doors open to dust is everywhere? He cleans the house (properly otherwise, he will have to do it again)

Basically, treat him like a teenager (the book ‘How to talk to children’ is very good with that) with ‘natural consequences’ and don’t step up instead of him. Because, otherwise, why do you want him to make any effort??

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 15/08/2020 18:55

As pp has said, he sounds like a teenage boy. If you actually have to do as pp said and treat him like a child then you need to consider leaving him. This won't get better and you deserve an actual adult relationship instead of having to nag a lazy child into doing his chores

Original poster

OhToBeASeahorse · 15/08/2020 19:10

Thing is I dont think he is lazy. It's just like he has periods of having no fucking common sense. I couldn't believe the house when I came.back, I'd literally spelled out what needed to happen but even if I hadnt, surely.your own intelligence would tell you that you should close doors?!

Toddler has just gone to bed and is crying for me already. Everything seems very hard tonight.

OP posts:

OhYeahYouSuck · 15/08/2020 19:24

Well his comment that you pick him up on everything is quite telling. Do you?

He's also returned with flowers to apologise but you don't seem happy with that. It's more than a lot of men would do.

TheWernethWife · 15/08/2020 19:39

OhYeah - you have set the bar very low. OP has to pick him up because he is acting like a fuckwit.

Anyone with half a brain would know to shut doors to stop dust getting into other rooms.

Illegitiminoncarborundum · 15/08/2020 19:42

Honestly I think the issue here is you.

You suggested about the doors at your house; you didn't ask, you didn't request, you didn't ultimately say, it was just a suggestion. He can do with that suggestion as he wishes.

He might genuinely not have heard your DS crying, hardly mistake of the century.

You requested fruit. He got fruit. End of.

I do think you sound like you pick him up on everything. No one is perfect

Illegitiminoncarborundum · 15/08/2020 19:45

He ‘forget’ what you asked him to pick up at the shop?

He didn't forget. He got bananas. They're fruit. OP asked for fruit.

If she wanted berries/oranges etc she should've said.

Lack of communication.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/08/2020 19:47

I think the OP is entitled to assume that her DH has common sense. It never ceases to amaze me how men who can do challenging complex jobs fail so dismally at basic domestic tasks.

BigFatLiar · 15/08/2020 19:50

What other fruit did you ask him to get? If you just asked for fruit he got fruit.
Should have put the cat in the battery for the period, les stressful for it than having strangers wandering around.
Sounds like your OH can do no right at the moment.

Original poster

OhToBeASeahorse · 15/08/2020 19:58

He got 4 inedible bananas!

DS always has the same, he will always have raspberries, oranges, apples etc. DH knows this. I've no idea why he decided on 4 inedible bananas as the total sum.

Its helpful to see other responses, I must admit I'm surprised people would be ok to come back to a house full of dust unnecessarily but ok.

Cat HATES the cattery. She was much happier in her own home.

OP posts:

Illegitiminoncarborundum · 15/08/2020 20:03

@OhToBeASeahorse

You might've had oranges in the fridge. You asked for fruit and you got fruit.

Life will be much easier for you when you realise that people cannot read your mind and thoughts.

Just say

"DH shut the doors"

"DH can you get berries, oranges and bananas"

Original poster

OhToBeASeahorse · 15/08/2020 20:10

We've been away for a week. We had no fruit.

I did tell him to close the door. I tell him about 10 times a day while we are living in this building work. Without me reminding him that just went out the window.

I'd appreciate not being spoken to in quite such a condescending manner.

OP posts:

Illegitiminoncarborundum · 15/08/2020 20:12

@OhToBeASeahorse

You didn't tell him to close the doors, you suggested it.

The more and more you respond the more and more I see your husbands point of view and what he sees in you.

MaryLennoxsScowl · 15/08/2020 20:13

What is going on with Mumsnet at the moment? Every thread I’ve been on tonight has had posters arguing with the OP and sticking up furiously for the menfolk no matter what they’ve done. Seriously, is this an infiltration of MRAs?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/08/2020 20:16

Why is it the OP’s responsibility to assess what fruit is needed. When DH does the shopping he looks in the fridge to see what we have. He also knows what fruit we usually eat. It’s not rocket science.

The problem I have with some of the responses is that they seem to assume that the OP is automatically responsible for domestic decisions.

Original poster

OhToBeASeahorse · 15/08/2020 20:20

Yes because if I tell him I get accused of micromamaging him.
So I cant win.

But you just want a row and I cant really be fucked.

OP posts:

SarahBellam · 15/08/2020 20:21

It is not his job to ‘help’. He’s got a pair of eyes and presumably at least half a fucking brain. He shouldn’t need to be told to get fruit and bread when anyone with an ounce of sense would take a look around for a few minutes before they go shopping to see what’s needed. You can bet your ass he doesn’t sit there in work waiting to be told what to do because he can use his bloody initiative and see what needs done. Ugh, we insult men when we don’t give them credit for being smart or able enough to do jobs that women seem to be able to do without difficulty.

Original poster

OhToBeASeahorse · 15/08/2020 20:24

@MaryLennoxsScowl I know, I shouldnt have posted this given the frankly ridiculous posts we've had on labour recently which genuinely left me appalled.

Dont quite know what's happened to mumsnet or maybe just society in general where we just make excuses for men all the time.

DH and I have talked, he says he doesnt know what's going on with him at the moment but was happy to admit that he's been a bit shit and whilst flowers and chocolate are nice I'd rather he just be a bit more on the ball and try to do a bit more thinking.

OP posts:

Illegitiminoncarborundum · 15/08/2020 20:26

@OhToBeASeahorse

Maybe don't post next time if you only want one type of response and for people to agree with you?

AnaadiNitya · 15/08/2020 20:28

No one is perfect. Not every one is mentally on the ball all the time. MN is apparently full of perfect Pete husbands that are a dream. In reality they are not. And neither are we.

He got the four inedible bananas because he just grabbed ‘bananas’.

Have a rant and a moan but be wary of posters telling you that he is a bad person - because only you know if he is. He fucks up sometimes - don’t we all?

QuestionMarkNow · 15/08/2020 20:30

You suggested about the doors at your house; you didn't ask, you didn't request, you didn't ultimately say, it was just a suggestion. He can do with that suggestion as he wishes.

In that case @Illegitiminoncarborundum, he is also the one who is doing ALL the cleaning, not the OP.

Same with the bananas. Green bananas are ok as fruits when you also have the time to let them ripe to eat them. If he went to pick some fruits because there was NO fruit at home, then he is dim. And he should also be the one dealing what to give ds for his dessert/snack.

On paper, none of what he did is an issue IF and only IF he was the one to also deal with whatever consequences this has. As it turns out, he is doing whatever he wants and it’s the who has to deal with it. Not on at all.

As for being better at communicating and telling clearly he has to pick apples and oranges (does the OP also need to tell him how many just in case too??), it just reinforce the idea that shopping/cleaning/thinking ahead for the house etc... is HER problem and not his. That he has no responsibility in it. And therefore can carry on forgetting, not knowing, doing things in half wo thinking etc....

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