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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To understand the first, but not the second, third, fourth...

329 replies

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 15/08/2020 08:59

I know that lots of men only show their true nature once children are born, that abuse very commonly starts with pregnancy, and that many women are completely blindsided when their husbands become abusive/neglectful/selfish/useless/detatched after they have a baby...

I am absolutely not saying "what possessed you to have a baby with this man??"

But i am baffled by women who's partners are shit dads, who then go on to have more children with them. It just seems so hugely unfair on the kids.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 15/08/2020 16:03

[quote Neron]@PicsInRed I'm referring to REAL abuse for those in DV or a CC relationship. Someone with a lazy partner isn't in an abusive relationship.[/quote]
Oh, REAL abuse. Gotcha. Not my Nigel, he means well, eh. Wink

Noneformethanks · 15/08/2020 16:05

If you had known me then you’d have said

He’s a lazy bugger. He does fuck all wit the kids they have. Why the fuck is she having another one. I mean. He’s nice enough but just lazy and disinterested.

And, I’ll say again, I told people what it was really like. I was not believed.

PicsInRed · 15/08/2020 16:05

@Noneformethanks

I am sorry you were abused. Your background sounds similar to mine. How do you know what is going on in an intimate relationship that you are not a party to?
Precisely this.
Noneformethanks · 15/08/2020 16:07

And I’ll add.

I was not believed precisely because I was that shitty kid from the shitty background pregnant at 15 and sure what else could you expect knowing where she came from. She trapped him with that baby.

He was better for, older, and groomed me.

But hey ho. It’s my fault.

Noneformethanks · 15/08/2020 16:07

Better off

lemonsandlimes123 · 15/08/2020 16:17

The lack of agency being attributed to women on this thread is extraordinary. I understand what the OP meant but some posters can't resist turning every thread about relationships into a thread about abuse.

Some posters who have been in one or more abusive relationships seem to struggle to understand that there are not just abusive relationships and perfect relationships there is a hell of a lot in between.

The relationships boards is full of women who are in rubbish relationships but not necessarily abusive one's who fully intend to have children with these absolute plonkers. Guess what if you partner spends 8 hours a day at the weekend gaming he is probably not going to be a great hands on father. If your partner has never been able to hold down a job for more that a few months, this is unlikely to suddenly be resolved when you are on mat leave.

If you eat chips everyday you might well get very fat, you might get lucky and get away with it but the chances are you will end up tubby! Saying someone who is fat is responsible for their own situation if they eat chips everyday is not victim blaming, it is assigning a level of personal responsibility for you actions.

lemonsandlimes123 · 15/08/2020 16:18

noneforme - who was responsible for you getting out of your abusive relationship?

Noneformethanks · 15/08/2020 16:19

@lemonsandlimes123

noneforme - who was responsible for you getting out of your abusive relationship?
Me.
Choochoose · 15/08/2020 16:21

Exactly @lemonsandlimes123.

lemonsandlimes123 · 15/08/2020 16:23

This reply has been deleted

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PicsInRed · 15/08/2020 16:25

lemonsandlimes123

Of course, however if the chip selected the person, then had significant financial control over what choices she had to stop eating the chip, and the other chips were in control of the media messages which fed into (no pun intended) her decision making processes around said chip ...then it wouldnt be as simple as "it's her fault for becoming one with the chip. It would be an entire system which she needed to overcome in order to even understand what the chip was doing to her, find the resources to leave the chip then fight the chip through family chip court to protect the little crisps from their feckless bodger of a Dad.

Silly cow. Why doesn't she just stop eating chips.

Noneformethanks · 15/08/2020 16:25

I mean. What’s the point of that question?

I left. Me. In the middle of the night with my children.

He beat me once too often and he raped me once too often. And I realised if I didn’t leave he was going to kill me. I’d threatened to leave many many times (the average for an abused woman is 8 attempts) and every time he just got worse.

I’d got a part time job by that stage - working in a shop, evenings, walking 3.5 miles at 11 at night to get home after work. Me eldest was about 14 and minded the youngest because their dad wouldn’t.

I skimmed off enough over a year to get me the grand total of just under £850 and I left, and was put in a hostel and then temporary accommodation.

Again. What was the point of that question?

Neron · 15/08/2020 16:25

@Noneformethanks and I am genuinely sorry for you. I don't think this thread is about you.

I get frustrated where people are quick to label a man (typically) as an abuser/controlling etc when it's far from that - and I do see it as an insult to people like yourself who are in one.

I get the point about not seeing behind closed doors, and abuse isn't just physical, but the majority of the threads I believe this one refers to, is woman making purposeful, poor choices and not taking responsibility for that.

Gancanny · 15/08/2020 16:26

I'm not talking about abuse!

I ln my previous post I was talking about useless men rather than abusive ones, why are women responsible for the behaviour of useless men?

As for continuing to have children with the useless men, that has also been answered multiple times and is often complex issue rather than a matter of "you made your bed, now lie in it".

Noneformethanks · 15/08/2020 16:27

I did the best I could and I left as soon as I was able.

I feel very victim blamed on this thread. Very.

I have scars on my fingers where he burnt me with a car lighter. I have marks on my legs that have never faded where he beat me with a belt.

I left as soon as I was able and I made a good life for myself.

I am sorry that is not enough.

knittingaddict · 15/08/2020 16:27

People ALWAYS ask "why did she stay?"

Not nearly enough people ask "why did he do that?"

It's all sorts of reasons - low self esteem, economic inequality, social pressures, fear of the court system. Women in these situations are always given the task of protecting themselves. They are the ones who have to leave the family home and then have to move again when the abusive man catches up with them. The women are the ones who live in fear and have to live with PTSD.

When they leave the social services say that they will intervene if the woman takes her children back because these men are a danger to them. Then it goes through the family courts and all of a sudden a relationship with these men is essential to the child's well being. It's messed up and women are nearly always the losers here.

Abused women's voices are being heard more now, but frequently it's lip service being paid to the issues and then you get threads like this... Honestly, read a few books on the subject and get some empathy.

lemonsandlimes123 · 15/08/2020 16:28

picsinred - okaaaay!

fuckingcovid · 15/08/2020 16:28

One reason is because abusive men are not non stop aggressive or abusive. Some women feel they must constantly ignore behaviour which is abusive because they still love their husbands and think he's just having a bad time at work, and things will change. Months can go by without an incident and you think it won't happen again. It's not always violent beatings, but low level selfishness, moodiness and the odd tantrum, with plenty of gaslighting and accusing you of what he is doing. It's fucking with your mind to the point you don't realise you are being abused.

By the time you realise it is and get out you usually have more than one child.

Noneformethanks · 15/08/2020 16:29

I was 15. I had been beaten and neglected my entire life. He was NICE to me. He was the first person ever that I remember hugging me.

I didn’t know it was all a pattern. Not then. I really didn’t.

I do now. But I didn’t then.

I wanted my kids out and able to make good choices. Better ones than I did. And to know they never had to stay.

And I did that. All of them have gone to university (youngest goes this year) and I have turned my life around.

I am sorry that for some on this thread that is not enough and I have to be blamed for not leaving sooner. I LEFT AS SOON AS I WAS ABLE. but obviously that’s not enough.

PicsInRed · 15/08/2020 16:31

@lemonsandlimes123

noneforme - so you were responsible for getting out of the relationship but not responsible for staying in it?
Anyone with the merest understanding of controlling relationships knows it's extremely easy to get into one and not just difficult but dangerous to leave. Some of the "loveliest" chaps brutalise or murder women after the women have left them - rather than staying, leaving is actually the most dangerous time for the woman and her children.

Often those outside the home never had any idea what he was like behind closed doors and they remain in disbelief ("I don't know the facts" etc) even with police cars and newsvans surrounding a now former family home.

Noneformethanks · 15/08/2020 16:32

When it’s an abusive relationship you have to be so careful. It’s the small steps. The taking years to save money or work up to leave.

It’s not just as simple as up sticks and leave with 3 or 4 or more kids in tow.

lemonsandlimes123 · 15/08/2020 16:32

This reply has been deleted

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knittingaddict · 15/08/2020 16:32

Ok, I've read some of the later posts now and, quite frankly, some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. Angry

Noneformethanks · 15/08/2020 16:33

@lemonsandlimes123

noneforme - the reason you are feeling victim blamed is because you have come onto a thread which was not intended to be about abusive relationships, posted relentlessly about your experience of being in an abusive relationship and tried to conflate the two issues even when the OP and others have repeatedly said that this is not about the type of relationship you were in. You don't seem to be able to accept that not all less than perfect than perfect relationships are abusive. You are in control of what you put onto the thread.
No. You are unable to see that from the outside looking in my ex was just a lazy bastard.
PicsInRed · 15/08/2020 16:34

Noneformethanks

There are none so blind as those who will not see.

Ignore them. 💐