DH has checked out of family life due to his mental health

[99WithTwoFlakes]

Name changed for this. I don’t know what to do anymore. I basically feel like I’m a single parent.

DH suffers with depression, panic disorder and generalised anxiety disorder, he’s been diagnosed within the last year but I think I have known for a while that there were some mental health issues. He’s never been massively hands on as a dad, and in the past has blamed it on his demanding job, which saw him out of the house for most of the day. But he would do things with the kids when he could, like take them to their hobbies, to the cinema, do some school and nursery runs, and during lockdown he did his fair share of home-schooling etc.

But in the past couple of months it’s got to the point where he cannot even be in the same room as them. (They are aged 1, 3, 6 and 8). He says the kids’ noise exacerbates his mental health conditions. I try to keep them as quiet as possible as I understand the noise is a particular trigger for him and as you can imagine at those ages the kids have their moments, though I would also say the older three do keep relatively quiet for long periods if told to. We also have a large enough house that he can escape to other parts of the house when it all gets too much for him. But what I’ve found is he will do that in the morning and then we won’t see him for the rest of the day. He usually comes back to spend time with me after they’re all asleep.

In the past week he’s also said he won’t be able to do the things he used to do anymore (examples above). He’s said that given his deteriorating mental health I’m expecting too much from him. For what it’s worth I rarely ask him to do anything anymore, everything he does is because he feels like it. And I do everything else including all the housework and trying to work a full time job (from home due to Covid). He won’t do any of the housework but will cook the occasional meal. I still can’t get my head around why he won’t do any housework as that has nothing to do with listening to the kids’ noise....let’s just say that when I bring things up I’m accused of being insensitive or uncaring and on a really bad day I’m blamed for giving him a panic attack.

I feel utterly miserable. Part of me feels like this isn’t the life I signed up for, and then I feel like a complete bitch for feeling that way, because it’s his mental health and although he’s getting regular treatment for it, it’s not working yet and he doesn’t seem to be able to cope with any aspect of family life. We never go anywhere as a family, we never play games with the kids together, he doesn’t even help with bedtimes and hasn’t read any of them a bedtime story in ages. He’s either sitting upstairs in the bedroom feeling depressed or anxious, or he’s just too tired from work. Are these just excuses? How will I ever know if he’s perfectly capable but very ill, or whether he’s just plain lazy?

On top of looking after four children I have to be constantly mindful of his conditions and do everything I can not to trigger a panic attack. Having a conversation with him about something I’m feeling upset about is impossible, there is almost no emotional support back, it’s all one way. It is exhausting and I’m forever walking on eggshells. Lord only knows how the kids feel - probably the same way.

Here’s the AIBU part.... I know this is a ridiculous question but at what point would you cut your losses and go your separate ways? AIBU for considering leaving someone who is clearly very ill? I am already basically a single mum and if I’m honest I feel so much relief when he’s not around. Obviously I love him and miss him at times but it’s one less person to look after and the kids are happier too. But I’m conscious I feel this way because of his deteriorating mental health. So I would feel like I’ve left him just because of a disability ...does that make me pure evil? I sometimes wonder how I’d feel if I had post-natal depression and he left me. But then I realise I’d still be expected to parent and look after my baby if I had PND....and he literally is saying he can’t do ANYTHING now, it’s like he’s got a get out of parenting free card which he now uses daily.

YABU - he’s ill and you need to be there for him even if he can’t contribute to family life anymore.
YANBU - you can’t be expected to do everything / he’s using his mental health as an excuse.

Any thoughts or comments would really help me right now...even if it’s to tell me I’m being an insensitive and uncaring bitch!! Thank you

It may not be ''science'' but it has occurred to me that your husband needs and wants an ''audience'' to his suffering and that's you and the children - so may not want the separation. How can he suffer if he has no witness?

sounds awful OP

I agree with PP's that say - mental health is no excuse for poor behaviour. What is he doing to be able to manage the kids noise ?- they are very young and will make noise.
What about your mental health and your 4 kids mental health. I would argue that is actually more important than his mental health. There are 4 of them for a start.

I would leave OP - sounds like no life, and not helping with housework with 4 children is just not acceptable at all and completely unfair on you.

I sympathise with your husband. I really do. Mental illness is painful and difficult. However, he needs to take steps to promote his recovery. I think it's unfair to expect you to take responsibility for everything. This is even more unfair on your kids. They've gone from having a dad who was involved with them to one who has withdrawn from them. They're also being asked to modify normal, childhood behaviour and be "seen but not heard" almost like Victorian children!
If this continues I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to separate from him for the sake of you and your kids.

It sounds an awful life for you and your children. He needs to leave your house and then he can focus on getting well. You can still support him even though he’s not under the same roof. Good luck but you need to think of your mental health too. It is not sustainable to continue your life as it is.

But you know what? It's shit to be discarded at the lowest point in your life.

Asking him to move out of an environment that is so ‘triggering’ for him isn’t discarding him. It will improve the situation for EVERYONE.

He clearly doesn’t want to be a part of family life atm, the children can’t seriously be expected to live in silence to appease his moods.

Similar thread in every single respect, @BeijingBikini?

She had previously abused him emotionally, physically, and psychologically as the OP describes in this thread?

The OP of the other thread was as conscientious and concerned about her decision as this one is?

As completely willing to take up the slack as this OP is, working from home during the pandemic while at the same time managing four children, supervising at least some schoolwork and keeping them from bothering He Who Must Not Be Disturbed,m all at the same time?

Eagerly awaiting your response.

Currently working my way through a major episode of Depression and anxiety and guess what I still have to look after my kids . They are always a responsibility of mine and that never changes , I can ask for help but it’s just not on to
Just walk away from everything .

There is no way through the current situation that is not shit. The best temporary solution appears to be him recuperating elsewhere for a while: he may not be able to do much with his kids day to day, but he's a parent and he can prioritise their welfare by letting them live happily and normally in their home, at least.

@mathanxiety of course it wasn't the exact same situation, but it had a lot of similarities and a common theme (lazy partner using depression as an excuse to take the piss and opt out of adult responsibilities), yet your response is completely 180.

Children will do far better in life with parents who are in love.

That's a really manipulative comment. It's not the OP who has checked out of things, it's her husband. She says she does love him, but who could blame her if she didn't when he is clearly so indifferent to how miserable her life is currently.

You are being superwoman, OP. How long can you continue before you collapse? I realise DH is ill and I feel for him too. But your children are being damaged by his behaviour. You have to protect yourself and DC. I think a separation would give you and DC your lives back. You say DH shows affection — he can still be a loving Dad if he doesn’t live with you.

This sounds so difficult for you op, and ultimately unsustainable as you will have to navigate 4 gorgeous dcs through teenage years They can not continue to walk on eggshells as it will impact negatively on them and you need to be well to see them through the next 18 years or so and this is not healthy for you.

I think time apart is a good way to start and it will take a massive weight off your shoulders.

To save repeating what has already been said, I wanted to add a point about therapy. Who has advised him to have long term therapy for depression, 6 months down the line isn't working? I've recently had some issues with anxiety, and after an assessment we discussed options of CBT or counselling. CBT was the right approach for me as its giving me the tools and techniques I need to deal with my anxious feelings. 6 sessions on and I feel so much better and ready to deal with future episodes.

CBT would involve him having to be proactive, but personally I think it could be a much better approach than counselling type therapy. My mother had long term counselling therapy, and seemed to use it as an opportunity to moan about all aspects of her family life, and getting validation, 'Oh poor you etc.' If anything it made her worse, my DH (who is a Psychologist) thought it was a very unsuitable approach in her case, let alone the fact the NHS were funding this for a long period.

In my view, counselling therapy doesn't give you the practical solutions to making your life better, it is more focused on offloading and airing your thoughts and feelings. I obviously have no expertise in this area and can only talk of my family's experience of therapy, but the approach of this therapy could be really something to look into. CBT is an approach which is readily available, but you have to do work between the sessions. Given everything else you've said about your situation, this would be the dealbreaker to see if your DH is willing to do what it takes to get himself better for both him and his family.

Leave. Don’t let him drag you down, because his behaviour will. I’m also sceptical about how much of his behaviour he is attributing to his mental health issues. Four very young children are always going to be hard work, and I would imagine there are many times when you yourself feel you are losing your sanity with four lively DCs around, especially during current Covid situation. He just seems to be conveniently checking out of doing anything which he sees as hard work. Life is too short. Speak to him about the matter and see if he offers to improve to save the marriage. If he doesn’t make any sort of effort, wave goodbye and live a life free of this negativity which will eventually grind you and your DCs down so much, that the environment you live in will be totally miserable.

It sounds utterly miserable and exhausting for you and the DC, op. I totally sympathise with mental health issues (dh has been there with depression - a long time ago now and before dc) but I do find myself reading these types of threads and thinking to myself "if a woman were the one with depression, anxiety or panic disorder, would she feel able/ permitted to just opt out of parenting? I suspect I know the answer. That's why so many women soldier on through pnd not receiving the care and attention they need.

As things currently stand, he is not improving and you and the DC are constantly walking on eggshells in your own home. What about your mental health? What about your kids?

As sad as it sounds, there does come a point where you seriously have to look after yourself and your dc. None of you is happy. As others have said, perhaps some time on his own will be what he needs to get better, allowing you and the DC to live normal lives.

How does he account for the fact that his mental health allows him to hold down a demanding job but not to do the smallest household task?

Does he have an answer to this OP?

I know other posters have said it but the key for me is that he is well enough to work full time, well enough to maintain a regular exercise regime, well enough to join OP in the evening but reacts to any suggestion that he should help by threatening that he'll have a panic attack. The fact that he has also been aggressive in the past suggests this is manipulation above all else. Even is he is genuinely too ill to help I couldn't live like that and wouldn't expect my children to either.

I really feel for you. I have something very similar. My DH has some heavy MH conditions that massively impacted our life as a family. Initially I had the attitude that you wouldn't leave someone if the had cancer so why would you leave someone with MH issues. So lots of guilt, feeling like I was a bad person for wanting to run away. But basically I ended up as the breadwinner, cook, cleaner, child care. I was doing everything. I ended up getting some counselling myself and it was great because some of the first things they said to me was 'it's ok to leave' and you're needs matter too'. I really needed to hear that.

Yes it's unfair for your DH, he doesn't want to be mentally ill, but it's also unfair on you and your DC. There are no winners in this and don't martyr or sacrifice yourself. It's ok to leave. It's ok to say this isn't the life you want for you or your children.

Good luck op

What an impossible situation for you op. I do not have much experience of mental health issues other than my own PND after dd2 was born. I was mocked by my inlaws and sil and told I was no longer "a full shilling". But, I got up each morning and cared for my kids. Albeit on auto pilot some days but I did it. I didn't check out although I often dreamt of being somewhere on my own.

I think it is time to put you and your children first. He is another burden on you op, one you cannot carry for much longer. Because who cares for the carer? You cannot carry on like this and you do not want to become ill yourself as what will happen then.

Walking on egg shells, anxious about any noise from your children, just being children, what kind of life is that for them and you?

Whilst the emphasis is very much on people's mental health at present, in your household the priority is one persons. Your life will be easier if you separate sad and difficult as that will be.

I haven't got any answers op.

But as someone who grew up with a dad with severe mental health problems it was often a pretty miserable existence.

He also checked out of family life, would shut himself away and blame us for normal childhood stuff like making noise, leave everything to my mum.

I wish somebody had stepped in and done something.

Can I suggest that as a compromise he stays with family so the kids can make noise and you get a cleaner in to help with housework.

OP, why do you think that he hasn't come up with the suggestion that he moves out for a while? (I've read the thread and haven't seen that he's made such a suggestion). He could pay for a mother's help or an au pair to help you with the housework/children, he could see them for a short time each day, concentrate on his recovery and give you time and space.

But this doesn't seem to have crossed his mind. I wonder why?

I've read through your thread and you are being amazingly supportive to your DH. My DH has also had severe depression under a psychiatrist and been off work ( sick leave) for months on 3 occasions in the past 6 years. During that time he has had various medications and had intensive CBT and regular counseling sessions however he still did household jobs eg cooking, DIY, gardening and parenting. All of these gave him joy in the darkness. It is interesting that yours is the opposite.

Answering these points might be helpful:
Does your DH have any insight into the effect of his behaviour on you or the children?

What is his plan regarding his MH given he's reading all the books? More therapy, EMDR, drugs Etc? Is he wanting to try things to get better? Has he seen a psychiatrist?

If he believe he will get better what does that equate to with actual family life?

What is his job - or more precisely what is the noise level at work and how does he cope with customers/meetings/conflict with colleagues?

This situation sounds so hard but I don't think that this is an ideal time to make big decisions about your marriage - he's ill, you're under pressure, we're in the midst of a pandemic.

In your position I would suggest that he moves somewhere supportive (with his parents? close friend or sibling without children?) for three months to give him some space to deal with his mental health. And I would encourage/insist that he focuses on that - there have been some really good suggestions on this thread.

Stay a couple, support him by phone, encourage him to get well, keep him in touch with the children. Keep shared finances. Don't discuss your marriage.

At the same time I would put everything I could in place at home to make my own life easier. Have a regular cleaner, pay for childcare and a regular babysitter, stop ironing or ask your cleaner to do it etc. Some of your workload will reduce too as you won't be looking after your husband. Basically treat your life as though you are a single parent and sort it so its managable, prioritise the cost of this.

After three months I think you'll know if you want to try and gradually reintegrate him, taking things slowly, maybe with some professional counselling so that he has to listen to you about pulling his weight. Or whether you're happier on your own in which case the hard bit of setting stuff up is already done.

Good luck!

Your responsibility is to yourself and your children if he can come through this and realise his responsibilities then it is untenable.
He needs to be away from the family home in the meantime ,your children have to be allowed to be children