DH has checked out of family life due to his mental health

[99WithTwoFlakes]

Name changed for this. I don’t know what to do anymore. I basically feel like I’m a single parent.

DH suffers with depression, panic disorder and generalised anxiety disorder, he’s been diagnosed within the last year but I think I have known for a while that there were some mental health issues. He’s never been massively hands on as a dad, and in the past has blamed it on his demanding job, which saw him out of the house for most of the day. But he would do things with the kids when he could, like take them to their hobbies, to the cinema, do some school and nursery runs, and during lockdown he did his fair share of home-schooling etc.

But in the past couple of months it’s got to the point where he cannot even be in the same room as them. (They are aged 1, 3, 6 and 8). He says the kids’ noise exacerbates his mental health conditions. I try to keep them as quiet as possible as I understand the noise is a particular trigger for him and as you can imagine at those ages the kids have their moments, though I would also say the older three do keep relatively quiet for long periods if told to. We also have a large enough house that he can escape to other parts of the house when it all gets too much for him. But what I’ve found is he will do that in the morning and then we won’t see him for the rest of the day. He usually comes back to spend time with me after they’re all asleep.

In the past week he’s also said he won’t be able to do the things he used to do anymore (examples above). He’s said that given his deteriorating mental health I’m expecting too much from him. For what it’s worth I rarely ask him to do anything anymore, everything he does is because he feels like it. And I do everything else including all the housework and trying to work a full time job (from home due to Covid). He won’t do any of the housework but will cook the occasional meal. I still can’t get my head around why he won’t do any housework as that has nothing to do with listening to the kids’ noise....let’s just say that when I bring things up I’m accused of being insensitive or uncaring and on a really bad day I’m blamed for giving him a panic attack.

I feel utterly miserable. Part of me feels like this isn’t the life I signed up for, and then I feel like a complete bitch for feeling that way, because it’s his mental health and although he’s getting regular treatment for it, it’s not working yet and he doesn’t seem to be able to cope with any aspect of family life. We never go anywhere as a family, we never play games with the kids together, he doesn’t even help with bedtimes and hasn’t read any of them a bedtime story in ages. He’s either sitting upstairs in the bedroom feeling depressed or anxious, or he’s just too tired from work. Are these just excuses? How will I ever know if he’s perfectly capable but very ill, or whether he’s just plain lazy?

On top of looking after four children I have to be constantly mindful of his conditions and do everything I can not to trigger a panic attack. Having a conversation with him about something I’m feeling upset about is impossible, there is almost no emotional support back, it’s all one way. It is exhausting and I’m forever walking on eggshells. Lord only knows how the kids feel - probably the same way.

Here’s the AIBU part.... I know this is a ridiculous question but at what point would you cut your losses and go your separate ways? AIBU for considering leaving someone who is clearly very ill? I am already basically a single mum and if I’m honest I feel so much relief when he’s not around. Obviously I love him and miss him at times but it’s one less person to look after and the kids are happier too. But I’m conscious I feel this way because of his deteriorating mental health. So I would feel like I’ve left him just because of a disability ...does that make me pure evil? I sometimes wonder how I’d feel if I had post-natal depression and he left me. But then I realise I’d still be expected to parent and look after my baby if I had PND....and he literally is saying he can’t do ANYTHING now, it’s like he’s got a get out of parenting free card which he now uses daily.

YABU - he’s ill and you need to be there for him even if he can’t contribute to family life anymore.
YANBU - you can’t be expected to do everything / he’s using his mental health as an excuse.

Any thoughts or comments would really help me right now...even if it’s to tell me I’m being an insensitive and uncaring bitch!! Thank you

This sounds so tough OP. You've had some excellent advice on this thread. I wanted to add that although it might seem realistic that your DC will become less noisy as they get older, I don't think this is the case. Happy children are noisy.

They might be more likely to be able to follow instructions as to how to be quiet and not upset daddy as they get older, but from the outside that doesn't seem normal, healthy or balanced.

It sounds as if you are hoping that the passing of time will bring a quieter, more controlled household so as not to trigger DH. I can understand why you would feel that way but as so many posters have explained that is not a healthy childhood.

Crikey. My DH often struggles. I think if I'd had four children and worked full time, he'd be in your DH's position. We know our limits, stopped at two children and I work part-time. My DH is the higher earner so makes sense for me to be part-time.

You need to tell your husband that you have been trying to pick up the pieces when he's down, you are now struggling, and he needs to help pick up the pieces for you before you break.

Also the kids will hopefully soon be in nursery and school again. This will make it all easier. Clear everyone's head.

I personally think lots of people on mumsnet are too quick to leave their partners.

Bloody Hell...
I loathe noise, but ''Get a cat'' is just barking.

Noise phobia won't be be helped by getting a cat...ans why on God's Green Earth should his ''8 year old'' be cleaning a litter tray??

I think he was a fool to have had so many kids knowing he hates their noise.
It wouldn't have gone from zero to unbearable overnight!

He'd have had one... {very quiet} to two {much more noise} to three {Chaos} to four {unendurable}.

He does sound selfish though... If you choose to have {any} children, you HAVE to be active in their lives.

Are you teaching your kids to give up on someone when they are ill and need support?

Ooh that's nasty ticktock

Have you thought about getting a cat? They are supposed to bring therapeutic benefits and largely look after themselves. It is not beyond an 8 year old to clear a litter tray

oh yes let's bring a cat into this awful stressful environment. Ridiculous!

Your post to OP is both passive aggressive and goady. What about HER and the DC mental health?! You're unbelievable.

You must frequently stub your toes on your bar ticktock.

OP, I agree with pp that he is selfish, lazy and by the sounds of it pretty unpleasant and is using it all as an excuse.
He behaves himself at work and I doubt they even notice anything different about him.

I would put myself and my DC first and tell him he either bucks the fuck up or he's out. You are having to do all the work of a single parent anyway so what use IS he?!

You and your children do not deserve a life like this. They will be mentally affected. Who is looking after you?

A question that I think might clarify things for you - if you had these types of mental health issues, what would you do? What would you feel comfortable asking your husband and kids to do? What would your husband be willing to do?

I am going to hazard a guess that it wouldn't occur to you that ditching him with all of the childcare and housework was an option and it wouldn't occur to him to accept that for even a day.

My biggest worry is that your children are very likely to end up with irreparable long term damage. At the moment you can not see what shape that will take but you can be sure it will in some form. You have a responsibility to them.

You can not fix him, that ship has sailed but you definitely do have the power to change your children's outcome.

Have you had counselling? Also think about couples therapy. This can't go on, you need change or plot your escape without guilt. Good luck

@TickFollowedTock I think that is one of the worst responses I have ever read- berating OP for not being supportive enough, while being completely unsupportive to her.
And get a cat 😆 really??!

You know, when you do training on team building, they tell you it takes 5 POSITIVE statements to remove the impact of 1 NEGATIVE statement. Think about that. How many positives do your children get from their father vs how many negatives? What is the cost of those positives eg having to be quiet etc? Does he give sufficient positives to cancel out the negatives?

Having small children relinquishes your right to say ‘I can’t cope with that’ and walk away!

MH or not (I gave birth the week before lockdown and had to have CBT for depression/anxiety) you can’t just decide to not be a parent and make your partner do all the work.

Your DH is BVU!!!

In the same situation I would ask him to leave and tell him very firmly that his MH is currently impacting your MH and that of the children, you feel he is not doing his best to help where he can and that you cannot continue supporting his decision to live as a single man in a family home.

In sickness and health, you are a team.

A few thoughts on this @TickFollowedTock:

That's only if there are no children being harmed by having a parent present physically but not present in a way that guarantees access to them.

Her H needs to start taking this seriously this or get out of the way. He is a serious impediment to the children's emotional and psychological health right now.

Moving out of the house and dealing with his issues away from the place where he is causing harm is teamwork. 'Teamwork' doesn't always mean everyone under the same roof.

Teamwork means taking care of yourself for the sake of the other person, being prepared to do whatever the imperative of 'taking care of yourself' requires in order to maximise your ability to share the responsibility.

Parental responsibility cannot be ignored. If you cannot meet your children's significant needs then you are creating an unhealthy home environment for them. You are also shifting an extra burden onto your partner's shoulders - the partner will have to deal with the daily fallout from his inability to meet those complex needs of the children. It is adding another unnecessary and very problematic layer to an already complex job, that of parenting. Leaving the OP to deal on her own with the children is a case of taking a huge stressor out of her life - she can start addressing the problems the children face while not at the same time dealing with the daily necessity of managing her partner's equilibrium.

The bottom line is that both adult parties to a relationship have responsibilities to each other and both have responsibilities to their children too. Sapping the energy of a partner to such an extent that she no longer has enough inner resources to nurture her children is reprehensible selfishness.

Yes, you try to stop yourself from seeing the glass half empty, silence the interior critic who sees the spots the partner missed when cleaning the bathtub - good faith is required in spades, and assuming the best intentions from your partner. But the OP is looking at someone who has been abusive in the past and has a very reasonable suspicion that trust in her partner's good faith may be misplaced.
Children will do far better in life with parents who are in love.
Well duh...

Love is not an abstract noun. It's a verb.

That sounds awful OP. Sorry not read the full thread but - just a hypothetical question - what if you realised that actually you are feeling depressed and anxious and from now on you cannot do ANY of the childcare or housework, must be able to go out for a walk/drive whenever you feel like it, and none of this is allowed to be discussed?

It wouldn't be sustainable would it?

I feel incredibly cross that he's leaving you to look after 4 small kids + full time job + all the housework. That's not on. Many people with serious mental or physical illnesses get on and do all that because they have to.

I had a stress induced psychotic break a month ago. In the middle of the psychosis, my partner of many, many years has left me.
Of course you have the right to leave your husband at any point and for any reason and you should not sacrifice your MH to save his.
But you know what? It's shit to be discarded at the lowest point in your life.

Sorry just realised others have made the same point. Basically if you've got 4 small kids you don't get to just opt out.

If he has checked out since therapy started he may be overwhelmed with his thoughts etc but that doesn't excuse his responsibilities. He must have self help exercises when he feels a shift, has he been actively doing this... Tbh it sounds like he's actively avoiding doing so which won't be helping at all.

The silencer headphones idea may work and he can then cook or do laundry or whatever, it doesn't mean he gets to escape to the bedroom and leave you to do everything! Avoidance cures nothing. He may even find that by doing something useful it picks him up a bit... Self achievement and all that.

Put the shoe on the other foot.... If it were you that had these problems what would he say? Would he step up and do EVERYTHING, I doubt it..... Just because he is male doesn't mean he gets a free ride.

Not read the whole thread but I’ve been where you are now and, looking back, I wish I’d asked him to live elsewhere while he sorted himself out.
My kids saw things from him they shouldn’t have, he made everything twice as hard, and I shouldn’t have had to live like that.
Your kids should be free to be themselves, not told to be quiet to suit him.
And when they get to the teenage years that will upset him too, it’s never ending.

You said he has only been diagnosed in the last year and as the baby is only one I assume his behaviour has only just started to surface..rather than been like this for years?

If that's the case then I think its reasonable to give it more time, he seems to be engaged in therapy and his treatment. We all know that MH issues have been exasperated by lockdown so I don't think you can judge the last 6 months as normal.

Did you previously have a great relationship? I am assuming you did because you chose to have 4 children which is suggests you both communicated well and where a good team.

I can however see why you both are overwhelmed, 4 children + lockdown + school holidays + full-time jobs is bound to make anyone's MH worse.

However I think you have to give it more time. Encourage him to find medication as that is probably the most effective route. If he has had burnout it will take longer than a year to recover

Could you get a nanny so that both of you have time out?

Part of me wonders if having that loving time with their dad even if it’s for 5 mins every day makes up for any shushing

It won't.

Also, if he knew he hated noise, why did he agree to have 4 kids? We're planning 1 for exactly this reason. You don't get to make that choice then opt out, they're living things, not something you can take back to the shop when you don't like it.

I was in a not dissimilar position. We have now split and I feel happy and relaxed in my home for the first time in years. He really was the origin of a cloud that hung over our house. That tension and my walking on eggshells did affect the DC during that time. They now, despite the shock of the split, are happier at home. They still see him and he is more responsible as he cannot rely on me from his engineered position as my 'extra child'. From being passive and lazy he is being more proactive in his own life since he can't lean heavily on me any more. Perhaps write yourself a list of the elements of your life that he is imposing that make you unhappy/ then when you waver during any separation period it will useful to remind yourself why you have done it. Interestingly for me, my list was so long I have not had to look at it - once he had gone I really didn't look back emotionally which shows that I should have done it years before I managed to. He was adding nothing to my life apart from a bit of childcare. Good luck with moving forward. It seems to me that you have a right to reclaim your quality of life, and control that for your children, which sounds impossible at the moment.

Mental health or not he needs to go and sort himself out. Trying to keep your children quiet? How bloody unreasonable. You are doing such a good job, he needs to take responsibility for his own life.

I can't express myself any better as I'm sleep deprived but he sounds like he's using his MH as an excuse.

I had a stress induced psychotic break a month ago. In the middle of the psychosis, my partner of many, many years has left me. Of course you have the right to leave your husband at any point and for any reason and you should not sacrifice your MH to save his. But you know what? It's shit to be discarded at the lowest point in your life.

Really sorry to hear that. But, I don't think this is only about the DH having MH problems. It's about him opting out of everything AND refusing to discuss it.

While OP is caring for 4 small kids and working full time, he could at least try and help with the housework. And he could discuss things with the OP and acknowledge all she is doing. But he refuses all this and there is no end in sight.

How does he account for the fact that his mental health allows him to hold down a demanding job but not to do the smallest household task?

Apologies if I'm repeating what others have said I've not read the whole thread but in order of importance:

1. Your children's mental health will definitely be being adversely affected, while trying to ease his. Kids as young as yours cannot and should not be afraid to make noise in their own (big) house! It will cause anxiety and it is also teaching them that daddy's feelings/adult's feelings/men's feelings are more important than theirs.My dh used to be like this and I fought him tooth and nail and would tell the kids to ignore him in the end (no mental health problems just grumpy - he's a much more tolerant soul now thank god!).

1. I and half the people I know have anxiety, depression and other MH issues - it's part of life. It's shit and sometimes we need help and sometimes we can't do the things we want to do. But those of us who try to help ourselves and aren't monumentally selfish find ways to get through without making our loved ones suffer.