DH has checked out of family life due to his mental health

[99WithTwoFlakes]

Name changed for this. I don’t know what to do anymore. I basically feel like I’m a single parent.

DH suffers with depression, panic disorder and generalised anxiety disorder, he’s been diagnosed within the last year but I think I have known for a while that there were some mental health issues. He’s never been massively hands on as a dad, and in the past has blamed it on his demanding job, which saw him out of the house for most of the day. But he would do things with the kids when he could, like take them to their hobbies, to the cinema, do some school and nursery runs, and during lockdown he did his fair share of home-schooling etc.

But in the past couple of months it’s got to the point where he cannot even be in the same room as them. (They are aged 1, 3, 6 and 8). He says the kids’ noise exacerbates his mental health conditions. I try to keep them as quiet as possible as I understand the noise is a particular trigger for him and as you can imagine at those ages the kids have their moments, though I would also say the older three do keep relatively quiet for long periods if told to. We also have a large enough house that he can escape to other parts of the house when it all gets too much for him. But what I’ve found is he will do that in the morning and then we won’t see him for the rest of the day. He usually comes back to spend time with me after they’re all asleep.

In the past week he’s also said he won’t be able to do the things he used to do anymore (examples above). He’s said that given his deteriorating mental health I’m expecting too much from him. For what it’s worth I rarely ask him to do anything anymore, everything he does is because he feels like it. And I do everything else including all the housework and trying to work a full time job (from home due to Covid). He won’t do any of the housework but will cook the occasional meal. I still can’t get my head around why he won’t do any housework as that has nothing to do with listening to the kids’ noise....let’s just say that when I bring things up I’m accused of being insensitive or uncaring and on a really bad day I’m blamed for giving him a panic attack.

I feel utterly miserable. Part of me feels like this isn’t the life I signed up for, and then I feel like a complete bitch for feeling that way, because it’s his mental health and although he’s getting regular treatment for it, it’s not working yet and he doesn’t seem to be able to cope with any aspect of family life. We never go anywhere as a family, we never play games with the kids together, he doesn’t even help with bedtimes and hasn’t read any of them a bedtime story in ages. He’s either sitting upstairs in the bedroom feeling depressed or anxious, or he’s just too tired from work. Are these just excuses? How will I ever know if he’s perfectly capable but very ill, or whether he’s just plain lazy?

On top of looking after four children I have to be constantly mindful of his conditions and do everything I can not to trigger a panic attack. Having a conversation with him about something I’m feeling upset about is impossible, there is almost no emotional support back, it’s all one way. It is exhausting and I’m forever walking on eggshells. Lord only knows how the kids feel - probably the same way.

Here’s the AIBU part.... I know this is a ridiculous question but at what point would you cut your losses and go your separate ways? AIBU for considering leaving someone who is clearly very ill? I am already basically a single mum and if I’m honest I feel so much relief when he’s not around. Obviously I love him and miss him at times but it’s one less person to look after and the kids are happier too. But I’m conscious I feel this way because of his deteriorating mental health. So I would feel like I’ve left him just because of a disability ...does that make me pure evil? I sometimes wonder how I’d feel if I had post-natal depression and he left me. But then I realise I’d still be expected to parent and look after my baby if I had PND....and he literally is saying he can’t do ANYTHING now, it’s like he’s got a get out of parenting free card which he now uses daily.

YABU - he’s ill and you need to be there for him even if he can’t contribute to family life anymore.
YANBU - you can’t be expected to do everything / he’s using his mental health as an excuse.

Any thoughts or comments would really help me right now...even if it’s to tell me I’m being an insensitive and uncaring bitch!! Thank you

If he can’t come through it...

@99WithTwoFlakes my eDH's mental health was a massive part of the breakdown of our marriage and I regret that I didn't leave before it got worse. Becuase it did, and I still see the effects in my previously bubbly and outgoing children; they became scared of setting him off and wanted to do things to make him happy, and not themselves. Even now nearly 8 years later, they are tentitive when doing something that might be noisy and messy and it took them a long time to be able to relax around other adults. Only recently have they spoken about how happy they are to have my partner in their lives and be able to have fun as a family.

There was one turning point that both of my girls have had nightmares about. We were planning a trip to a theme park and they were really excited; planned the route around to all the rides, helped me make a picnic and been on their absolute best behaviour to make sure 'daddy wanted to spend some time with them' (that broke me). He ended up having a panic attack just before we left and told them they were selfish to want to go out when he was ill. We went anyway and had an amazing day; they laughed, ate all the sugar and played like an 8 and a 10 year old should. The oldest cried on the way home and asked if we could stay at their grandparents, so that they didn't have to see their dad and be quiet again.

Don't put your children in that situation.

PP talked about CBT. If you are not quite ready to separate you could ask him to do CBT (with a private therapist therefore no waiting list).

This would require him to do more everyday tasks around the house as a way to improve his functionality. If he was willing to share his CBT goals and homework with you and seemed to be trying hard with them I would consider giving things more time as progress would be being made.

Wow, so many incredibly helpful responses and suggestions here. Thank you all so much.

To answer a few of the questions - and sorry if I can’t get around to answering them all...

No he’s never been a VERY hands on dad, even before his diagnosis. But he did quite a bit more than he does now. He would stay downstairs with us for the majority of the day, take one or more of the kids out, or suggest days out as a family and usually would cope fine as long as it wasn’t somewhere ridiculously noisy.

You can tell even now when you see him with the children that they absolutely adore him, but PPs are right; any affection is on his terms and at the times he chooses. They can’t just go and jump in his bed in the morning (or even go in the master bedroom any time of day for that matter) as they know they will be told 99% of the time that he’s resting and needs quiet. When he’s in the room they can cuddle him etc and usually he will respond/reciprocate as you’d expect a loving parent to. But the time spent with us is becoming more and more sporadic. It’s his latest assertion that he can’t do ANYTHING anymore which has made me question everything. I strongly believe that if he wanted the marriage to work and wanted to be a team then he would think himself of little ways he could be a part of family life - even if it’s doing the laundry, cooking twice a week, taking the kids out for a peaceful walk one by one. But it’s like he has checked out of parenting duties and by default our partnership/marriage.

Yes we are still affectionate with each other. As you can imagine with four young children the time for us is limited but we do kiss and cuddle every day and the children do see the affection between us as well (perhaps they’d rather not!)

His job - now this I can’t really get my head around. He’s amazing at what he does. That’s why he’s able to hold down a job. But ever since I’ve known him he has struggled with his mental health at work. Any minor criticism of him by a boss has always led to major anxiety. I think it’s this which initially led me to believe there was something not quite right. His work place knows about his conditions and have put in place reasonable adjustments - and his job to him is something he’s immensely proud of. He takes his role at work far more seriously than he does any role at home. I know to some people this will sound unacceptable. But I think he knows that if he stops being a good worker, he has nothing left and it will massively damage his self esteem and then everything crumbles. If he stops providing for the family, then what can he really say he does for us? These are issues he’s working on in therapy, he knows he needs to stop seeing work as his whole life and start getting enjoyment from other things and actually living. It’s a long road I think but he is addressing it or at least trying to.

He does get very stressed at work, I’d say much more than your average person. And yes I’d go as far as to say that some of his colleagues have had to tread on eggshells for fear of triggering something. He’s complained about quite a lot in the workplace.

One of the main reasons I work full time is so that the pressure on him isn’t so intense and in case he loses his job. But to be fair to him he doesn’t really want me to do this. He encourages me to reduce my hours and also encourages me to get a lot of help around the house like with cooking, cleaning, sending clothes out to be washed/dry cleaned/ironed etc - something I have only ever done once. I suppose I could lighten the load by doing these things more often. I know it doesn’t sound like it but I can tell he doesn’t want me to struggle. I prefer to save our money rather than spend it but I now think it’s important to spend it wisely to see us through what I think and hope are the most difficult years. And yes the kids will all be at school / nursery soon so that will help I think. But it’s still going to be me picking up all the slack when they’re at home so that part sucks.

Definitely not getting a cat!

@Snog Thank you - yes the therapy he is undergoing is CBT with a private therapist who seems very good. He shares his goals / homework with me but it doesn’t sound like there’s anything to do with the family in there just yet. He’s only been doing it a few months so maybe it’s early days. I do hope they broach the spending time with family issue soon

Marking

He needs to see a psychiatrist. Now. He’s just thinking about himself, but he’s damaging you and his children. He’s being very selfish. I can say that as I’ve had severe severe depression before due to a series of horrific things. But I slowly got better and I’m happier in my 20s. He needs psychiatric help. Maybe you could have family therapy as well? I can tell you now that if he doesn’t sort this out, then his children will be damaged long-term. That’s from experience.

Edit: Just read that your DH is doing CBT. Hopefully that works for him, but he needs to actively desire to change and want to overcome his struggles. A couple of months isn’t long enough to see changes, but I’m surprised the therapist hasn’t spoken to him about family time yet.

He's been doing CBT for months? How often does he go? What are they actually working on? CBT should be showing effects by now, if it's not then either it's not the right treatment or else he's not actually putting in the work he needs to do for any improvement.

I’m sorry but I’ve never read such an utter pile of crap. I have depression, OCD, severe anxiety and the panic attacks made my life a living hell. I was a shell of a person. Mental health isn’t ever an excuse to abuse someone or check out of family life. I am doing CBT, 2 months in and I feel like a different person.

Your husband is feeding you a load of shit, he is manipulating you and abusing you and blaming on “mental health”. He’s a lazy piece of crap and you’d be so much better off without him.

I had a similar situation and understand the angst, my ex has bipolar and depression, it got to the point where he almost entirely checked out and spent most of his time hiding away in the spare bedroom, we would frequently find him sobbing or near catatonic.
In my case I decided it was less damaging for the children to separate than stay together, and as an occasional father he manages well, but never has them overnight or anything. He had a breakdown a few months after we split and was sectioned, and can only really cope with them for a couple of hours.
It’s definitely better for all of our mental health that we split up, it was like a dark cloud had been lifted, although it was obviously very hard on all of us for a while, especially my oldest, who was 4 at the time.
I also felt guilt with the whole ‘in sickness and in health ‘ thing, but ultimately having someone act like a lazy, unpredictable grouch constantly destroys a relationship, even if they can’t help it.

Just to be clear, what you’re saying isn’t crap. It’s what he’s saying, his actions, his behaviours.

Does he have private health cover with his job? If so Would he see a psychiatrist to get advice on medication at least?

Thank you all!

To answer a few more of the questions...

Yes he has himself suggested time away, he’s done it in the past and visited family for a week or so. Unfortunately his family don’t have a lot of space so that isn’t a good long term solution (for example if he wanted to stay longer than a couple of weeks) but he does have the option of spending some time away in a nearby hotel for example. We discussed this in the recent past and agreed it was good alternative. I don’t know why he never did it. I’ve found when he’s away that letting the kids be kids all day every day feels liberating, especially at times like when they first get up in the morning.

I think if I’ve suggested that they can’t really be kids or make noise at all, then that’s not accurate. Sorry. They can and do, but I’ll tell them to try to keep quiet first thing in the morning as we’re all coming downstairs etc and we all tend to stay downstairs for a good few hours (he finds it hard to sleep until the early hours of the morning due to high anxiety at night) so once he’s up they play and make noise all over the house but in fairness they do laugh and play loudly all day, downstairs or in the garden, or we go out, it’s just that if he’s there he will leave the room as soon as he feels something bubbling inside him. Or if he really wants to stay in the room we’ll say something like “okay, mummy and daddy would like some quiet time now...why don’t you all go and play nicely upstairs, or we’ll put on a movie, or why don’t you go in the garden,” etc etc. Rather than a more blatant shushing (which yes he will also do if he’s feeling extremely stressed/anxious).

Again I’m sure meds would help with all this but he refuses to take the previous ones due to their side effects and he also said they interfered with his ability to work properly. So I’m staying firm on the fact that he needs to go back to the GP.

Yes he has private healthcare. Thank you for the suggestion. Yes I think he could definitely do with seeing a psychiatrist

Has he tried Citalopram ?
No side effects complained of by my DH but did take a couple of weeks to notice a difference, and 6 months later he felt great.

I can’t get past how sorry I feel for your children.

So young yet having to live in such egg shell walking conditions will massively affect them.

Re new medication and side effects, his GP could sign him off work for 2 weeks if he suffered side effects, and the side effects usually settle after 2 weeks, if not he would go back to the GP at this point.

How do you feel about progress being made with the CBT? Do you see progress? What kind of goals does he have? He should be doing a balance of activities (3 different categories) that are enjoyable, that give him a sense of achievement and that are necessary. What are the "necessary" activities he is doing? This should be anything that has a negative consequence if he doesn't do it.

You could ask DH if you can give a list of activities/goals to his therapist that you would like him to work on. I think it would be unreasonable of DH not to agree to this.

From the outside looking in, your dh has 'bitten off more than he can chew' to coin an old phase. He sounds like he is finding it hard to cope with four children and a full time job and all that entails, so much so that it is badly affecting his mental health.

This is not the fault of the children, but both sound overwhelmed, the only difference being that he has been able to check out to preserve himself, and you do not have the luxury of doing that as well.

If you decide to stay together, I think you are going to have to throw every penny and some to get some proper hired help in to get you through this. This is no longer a luxury but an essential tool to get you over this patch. You need cleaners, hired childcare help/babysitters and to take long breaks yourself op. Build a team to help. There is no other way, because his journey back to good health may be long or indefinite. In the meantime you are risking being crushed under the weight of responsibility and jobs. If you go under, you will all go under.

You could move out, and that would at least alleviate the tension, but you will still need support. Your children are still young, but as they get older they will be able to help much more, things will get easier.

You are between a rock and a hard place, but I would call in some hired cavalry for now whilst you work out what is best to do in the longer term, even if you have to remortgage to do so.

Hi OP,
I believe strongly in meds and depression being linked to chemical imbalance because when my husband got ill (very unwell/unable to work) citalopram (and a bit of time) helped him get back to normal. After several years of taking citalopram we decided he should stop taking it while we tried to conceive. After a very short time he started "going funny" again and got straight back on it.

I can't really understand why you (and I'm guessing your husband) view his mental health as "deteriorating" and can "only see it getting worse" rather than seeing any recovery or hope in the future. For example my husband was completely unable to function and losing touch with reality but hugely recovered within a couple of months and pretty much functioning normally within a couple more. There is hope for the future if your husband comitts to taking medication imo.

Taking the steps needed to get better such as taking meds is non negotiable (otherwise yes leave) as coping alone while your husband recovers is one thing. Coping alone if he chooses to remain living like this is something else.

** As well as meds - multivitamins (B12), a good diet (red meat or if veggie even more attention to vitamins) and exercise. Exercise doesn't need to be lone or selfish though it could be bike rides or walks with the kids.

You have my sympathies OP. DH suffered with quite bad depression all of last year. Initially I just took it in my stride. I did all the housework, life admin, tried to let hin get on with doing what he wanted to help the fog lift.

But it wasnt sustainable. By late summer I was exhausted running a house on my own, toddler DS and working full time. I was very blunt and told him he needed meds and therapy. If he didnt seek those immediately I would be asking him to leave.

I became resentful of doing absolutely everything, though I will say he did stick to doing DS bedtime, playing with him when he could. He basically used what little energy he had on DS which I was grateful for.

But it is no way to live longterm. He had 2 different types of meds before he found ones that worked that didnt give him horrible side effects, so definitely encourage him back to find more.

DH is much improved, though still on meds, and contributes again towards family life/as a couple. The difference between this year and last is massive.

Is there a reason behind the depression? (I know there isnt always before someone jumps on me). There was for DH, general burnout and a few childhood issues thrown in. He has really benefitted from having someone independent to talk to.

I hope things improve for you. I only had 1 child, can't imagine 4.

Thank you so much. I will look into the citalopram and hopefully he will be willing to try something new otherwise it’ll have to be a trial separation for now. I’ll also ask him more specifically about his CBT goals, I know that exercise was one of them but I can’t remember the others and unfortunately they weren’t family/children related. Perhaps it’s early days with the therapist (I think he is around 8 sessions in) and I’m not sure how much progress is supposed to have been made by now, I think he does take his homework seriously but I will ask him about it.

Op just get in the cleaNers babysitters
Pointless saving money when you need help now.
you are going to burn out and then what?
Where will dc go if you collapse?
What is the contingency?

"He encourages me to reduce my hours and also encourages me to get a lot of help around the house like with cooking, cleaning, sending clothes out to be washed/dry cleaned/ironed etc - something I have only ever done once" so why? Just get the help !
Dong reduce your work hours but if you both working get help in

My father was very ill when I was young, from 7 to 9 years old, physically ill, and couldn't bear the sound of me playing and generally being a kid so I was always being told to be quiet and tread on eggshells around him. He died sadly. I've been left with the most crippling anxiety about what people think of me and how I should behave, which I self medicated with alcohol. It ruined a large part of my life and it's only been in the last two years I've started to sort my shit out. I'm now 42.
It couldn't be helped, I know my dad would not have wanted this, but it's really fucked me up!
I'd be inclined to ask him to leave to try and recover and let the kids try to have some semblance of a childhood. Good luck you sound lovely. X