DH has checked out of family life due to his mental health

[99WithTwoFlakes]

Name changed for this. I don’t know what to do anymore. I basically feel like I’m a single parent.

DH suffers with depression, panic disorder and generalised anxiety disorder, he’s been diagnosed within the last year but I think I have known for a while that there were some mental health issues. He’s never been massively hands on as a dad, and in the past has blamed it on his demanding job, which saw him out of the house for most of the day. But he would do things with the kids when he could, like take them to their hobbies, to the cinema, do some school and nursery runs, and during lockdown he did his fair share of home-schooling etc.

But in the past couple of months it’s got to the point where he cannot even be in the same room as them. (They are aged 1, 3, 6 and 8). He says the kids’ noise exacerbates his mental health conditions. I try to keep them as quiet as possible as I understand the noise is a particular trigger for him and as you can imagine at those ages the kids have their moments, though I would also say the older three do keep relatively quiet for long periods if told to. We also have a large enough house that he can escape to other parts of the house when it all gets too much for him. But what I’ve found is he will do that in the morning and then we won’t see him for the rest of the day. He usually comes back to spend time with me after they’re all asleep.

In the past week he’s also said he won’t be able to do the things he used to do anymore (examples above). He’s said that given his deteriorating mental health I’m expecting too much from him. For what it’s worth I rarely ask him to do anything anymore, everything he does is because he feels like it. And I do everything else including all the housework and trying to work a full time job (from home due to Covid). He won’t do any of the housework but will cook the occasional meal. I still can’t get my head around why he won’t do any housework as that has nothing to do with listening to the kids’ noise....let’s just say that when I bring things up I’m accused of being insensitive or uncaring and on a really bad day I’m blamed for giving him a panic attack.

I feel utterly miserable. Part of me feels like this isn’t the life I signed up for, and then I feel like a complete bitch for feeling that way, because it’s his mental health and although he’s getting regular treatment for it, it’s not working yet and he doesn’t seem to be able to cope with any aspect of family life. We never go anywhere as a family, we never play games with the kids together, he doesn’t even help with bedtimes and hasn’t read any of them a bedtime story in ages. He’s either sitting upstairs in the bedroom feeling depressed or anxious, or he’s just too tired from work. Are these just excuses? How will I ever know if he’s perfectly capable but very ill, or whether he’s just plain lazy?

On top of looking after four children I have to be constantly mindful of his conditions and do everything I can not to trigger a panic attack. Having a conversation with him about something I’m feeling upset about is impossible, there is almost no emotional support back, it’s all one way. It is exhausting and I’m forever walking on eggshells. Lord only knows how the kids feel - probably the same way.

Here’s the AIBU part.... I know this is a ridiculous question but at what point would you cut your losses and go your separate ways? AIBU for considering leaving someone who is clearly very ill? I am already basically a single mum and if I’m honest I feel so much relief when he’s not around. Obviously I love him and miss him at times but it’s one less person to look after and the kids are happier too. But I’m conscious I feel this way because of his deteriorating mental health. So I would feel like I’ve left him just because of a disability ...does that make me pure evil? I sometimes wonder how I’d feel if I had post-natal depression and he left me. But then I realise I’d still be expected to parent and look after my baby if I had PND....and he literally is saying he can’t do ANYTHING now, it’s like he’s got a get out of parenting free card which he now uses daily.

YABU - he’s ill and you need to be there for him even if he can’t contribute to family life anymore.
YANBU - you can’t be expected to do everything / he’s using his mental health as an excuse.

Any thoughts or comments would really help me right now...even if it’s to tell me I’m being an insensitive and uncaring bitch!! Thank you

Opt out. This is not a life. This is torture.

I'm assuming that the therapist has asked him how his issues are affecting his life at the moment and which is the biggest and most pressing issue for him and tackling things in that order....I would imagine if he had said one of the first things he wanted to tackle was he wanted to be capable of participating more in family life that his homework would have focused on that.

I agree with you @user1481840227 - it’s not a top priority for him because he has a mug (me) to do everything he can’t or doesn’t feel like doing. This is despite him saying he wishes he could do more with the family

I’m another person who’s on Escitalopram ( one of the citalopram meds) and agree that it works really well. No side effects and a low dose ( 10mg) made a huge difference to me after 2-3 weeks of taking it consistently. I just don’t get anxious the way I used to. Definitely worth inquiring about.
People can be weird about taking medication for MH conditions, but they’re medical conditions like any other and medicine is a tool to help improve your health.

@Dinosauratemydaffodils. so sorry you’re going through this. Sertraline didn’t do anything for me either but Escitalopram really has- PLEASE ask your doctor to try something else and keep asking. There are so many medications available and the right one can make such a difference.

@Dinosauratemydaffodils I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I really hope your health improves but I think you are amazing for trying to do everything you can for your family despite your condition. Hats off to you

@Dinosauratemydaffodils sertraline turned me into a compliant doll. Unemotional, sleepy all the time, moved as though in a trance. Then I tried fluoxetine, which I was on for 3 years. Just don’t go cold turkey because the panic attacks and migraines were horrific.

OP please try for family/couples therapy. If he’s had CBT and the situation at home isn’t changing, then he needs to try something else. He also needs to be on anti-depressants and maybe move into a small flat nearby, as PP have mentioned.

I'm sorry to hear this. I think as PPs have said, he is not responsible for being unwell but he is responsible for what he is doing about it. He does need to take medication all the time. He might need time in the week to do nothing/be alone, but you can't be expected to do everything for everyone all of the time. At the same time, if he had broken a leg, he would have to sit out for a while/do less. It's difficult. Where else can you draw support from right now, in the meantime so that you feel supported?

Good luck @99WithTwoFlakes ! I think he's very lucky to have you as you seem to care so much about him as well as the DC. When my ex ended up sectioned in hospital it was a relief. You really do need a break and some space. I have spent nearly 3 years in hospital dealing with my mental health - it was of course hard on my DCbut it would have been worse for them having me looking after them full time while trying to sort medication and have therapy. I'm now so much better and am at home full time with them.

This has chimed with me so much, except I’m the one with depression and anxiety, and being the mum and primary caregiver I simply don’t have the option of checking out and taking myself away to a different bit of the house. When my kid’s bad behaviour and attitude makes me cry, I still need to feed them, keep them safe and take them to hockey practice. My hubby does his share when he’s home. But I spend days in a fog just trying to keep them alive and getting through the day counting down to bedtime.

Could you imagine if I used the excuse your husband is and just clocked off?!? Seriously. How do men Get away with this? It makes me even more depressed.

If you feel able and want to then Please update us When you have spoken to your dh. There’s a lot of people here who want a positive change for you and children as well as your husband. Definitely have an army of people rooting for you op.

Bipolar here. My MH was so bad last year I voluntarily checked into a hospital. It's impossible to describe how it feels to someone else when the depression hits. You don't want to interact with the world, it's too much. Everything is too much. I tried to push through it, keep going and that's how I ended up in hospital.

So, first of all, your husband needs to get a referral to a psychiatrist. GPs mean well, but they don't know what they're doing.

Second, if possible, the genetic screening for drug response is very helpful. I have mutations that seriously contraindicate SSRI's. I also have the mutation in MTHFR that reduces folate processing - I have to take a special supplement (not the over the counter kind of folate) to replace the link in the chain. Folate is very important for psychiatric drugs to cross the blood-brain barrier.

Different people react differently to different drugs and one person's good experience can be someone else's bad. I went through a dozen different drugs and combinations before hitting what I think is the right one - it's early days but I'm hopeful.

Third, I think you have grounds for an ultimatum. He goes to the doctor or you go out the door. I have all the sympathy in the world for anyone with mental health issues, but also for their partners. My husband went through hell last year.

Fourthly, there are counselling services for the family of people with MH issues. Both one-on-one and group therapy. Group can be very helpful because you get to hear about other people's experiences and coping strategies. Even if you split, I recommend this kind of therapy. It is non-judgemental and supportive.

I wish you the best. You're both in an terrible situation.

I could have wrote this myself 3 years ago. I lived like this for almost 10 years, thinking that I had to stand by him and support his illness. It turned into an extremely mentally abusive marriage. It got to a point where he quit his job and spent his day either sleeping or playing xbox (helped him relax apparently). He then developed a drug habit, that I later found out I was paying for.
He never contributed in anyway, not even financially. Our son died when he was 3 weeks old which is what triggered his MH problems but he was the only one who was allowed to struggle with it happening. I had to suck it up, carry on looking after our other 3 kids, run my business and take care of the house. We lived in fear and silence. We walked on eggshells and everything would trigger a meltdown. I never opened my mouth without mentally preparing what I was going to say incase it came across as "backchat"...even things like asking if he wanted coffee. I made sure I was the perfect wife in every aspect just to keep the peace and keep myself and my kids safe from a torrent of verbal and mental abuse.
I had a light bulb moment one day when he was screaming at me because I had a friend over to collect an order, and we were chatting "too loud". It just clicked that he was intentionally using his illness as a cover up and excuse for his horrible personality. I told him to get out of my house and to never come back (I also nearly smashed his face in with a giant Yankee candle lol).
He admitted that me and the kids being alive was a burden to him (despite him doing as he pleased with no responsibility whatsoever for a decade), and that he would intentionally do and say things to make me think I was going insane. For example, he would say "the sky is blue", I'd say "yes, the sky is blue", he would say "I never said that, its purple. Why are you making things up". It was a mind fuck to say the least. He also admitted to telling me lies just to hurt me so I'd be miserable as well. He kept me isolated and would insult and berate my friends and family so they would stay away. He thrived on being miserable.
He's been gone 3 years now and we are in the middle of an amicable divorce. Hes now getting help with his MH but is still a drug user. He can clearly see what he did to me and the kids and is not fighting me on anything, he has supervised access with the kids and pays maintenance. He knows he fucked up and is paying the price, but i honestly couldn't be happier.
I would put something in place to either get yourself and the kids out or ask him to leave and sort himself out. Please don't let it get as far as I did. I honestly never thought I'd get us out safely.

Hello OP, I’m in a similar position to you. My husband suffers from chronic depression and anxiety but refuses to take meds. He has a high powered job but struggles with interactions and is negative about everything. He hates kid noise and mess and we walk on eggshells. He does pull his weight in the house at least. My situation is much less bad than yours although we don’t have much affection between us.
I have been having therapy and decided that I deserve to be happy . I asked him to go on holiday alone ( kids and I couldn’t due to quarentine) as I wanted a few weeks of no eggshells. I told him
before he went to sort himself out or we would be moving into separation and divorce.
Thank goodness he has agreed to make an effort to be better. I have loved not having eggshells and allowing the kids to be kids.
Do yourself a favour and give yourself a break from him even for a few weeks and see how different / better things could be for you and the kids.

That is unfair. Its actually very difficult to get a med that works with your body. Its a never ending cycle of trying new drugs and new doseages that work for you. Then once you do after a while they stop working and you jump back into it again. SSDIs are not one size fit all and just because they work today there is no guarantee they will work tomorrow

It’s not unfair in this instance when the DH hasn’t even tried another SSRI. Yes not all ones suit all people - sertraline is my preferred option and I hated citilopram. But I tried different ones until I found one that helped. He hasn’t gone to his GP.

With mine, I suspect the reason he wasn’t motivated to try different treatments is because there was nothing wrong with him. I organised professional help, talked to him about what was available, I was wasting my time. He managed to work effectively without any of his colleagues noticing anything was off. He just preferred to not have to do anything at home and to have everything go his way. Manipulation, under the guise of depression, meant he got what he wanted and why would anyone take unnecessary medication when they know they don’t need it?

OP, I know how scary it is to face raising children alone. I can also tell by your posts you don’t know for sure what is really happening. One thing I tried was to go to an appointment with the psychologists etc, just once, to make sure the family environment and my concerns were expressed. I didn’t go to remaining appointments as they were for him and my being there would mean whatever he wanted to discuss wouldn’t be private. Maybe you could try this and see how it pans out? Your case could go either way at this point. My marriage collapsed because he was cheating and the manipulation was the result of that. But if you don’t have that issue then it’s worth trying, but you need to set timeframes and rules around what is acceptable to you. Your comments about some time apart initially will give you some breathing space and maybe let you work out how you yourself feel. Your needs are important too.

He's 'so ill he can't be in the room with a baby crying' and he's not even on daily meds?

I really feel for everyone is suffering depression , today I realised my lower meds, are making my 3D vision poor ( I have post menopasal hormonal depression) , and permanent.
My body loves it, my brain doesn’t, so many nasty side effects of meds too, it just seems an unjust cost to anyone trying to get well.
No wonder lots try and avoid

@Nsky. It’s crap. But I doubt you’re avoiding your four young children and letting someone else do all the parenting. Hope you feel better.

I’m not, tho when you so unwell, everything seems a pain.
Dreading the next phase, it’s been going on since May 2019 tho

99WithTwoFlakes I have generalised anxiety disorder and bipolar, I’m also a single mum and work full time in a demanding job. I know how tough life is with the anxiety and also depression, but life also goes on. I still have to get up every day, cook, clean, do the laundry, help the dc with homework etc, on top of working. Don’t be taken for a mug please! He is so capable of still being a dad and husband. He needs to to go back to the GP, get referred to a psychiatrist if his mental Heath is affecting his family life so much. Good luck x

Dear 99
This is so like my situation just over 7 years ago. My husband behaved in exactly the same way and having to tiptoe astound the house with a 2 year old and 2 month old baby was hell. He could manage to hold down a full time demanding job but when it came to being at home evenings and weekends, much of his time was spent alone in our bedroom. Our son also suffered from silent reflux so didn’t sleep for more than 40 minutes at ANY time of day or night. I saw every hour of the clock face every day for 8 months and that situation, along with his mental heath nearly broke our marriage. I used to wish he’d just go to stay with his parents so we didn’t have to deal with him anymore and slowly began resenting him and resenting myself for feeling that way.

He went through CBT and the GP gave him medication for depression and things slowly improved, but it was only temporary and a year later it resurfaced again. I finally persuaded him that he needed to see a psychiatrist and after just one visit, the change was apparent. The psychiatrist had managed to help him acknowledge and accept his feelings and, to an extent, explain them. He had also immediately given him a specific mental health diagnosis and changed his meds accordingly. We’ve had one relapse since, around 3 years ago, but this was short lived and we knew what to do - the psychiatrist has honestly been brilliant. GPS are just that -general practitioners - as other posters have suggested, especially as he has private medical insurance, I really urge you to explore that option.

Sending you a big hug.

My DH went through the usual SSRId then was on venlafaxine at max dose for 3 years but relapsed in April. There was a terrible few months as he withdrew from that and then started mirtazepine. It was awful for 6 weeks with increased verbal aggression, ravenous appetite but the psychiatrist got him up to max dose of 45 mg and he is much improved. No verbal aggression. Sleeping very well and mood better. It's been v tough fir me an DC but currently he is in a better place than 4m ago.

This has been overseen by a psychiatrist and GP supplying the meds.

When my friend had a bad episode of depression her husband basically had to do everything- 3 kids, work, house - for nearly a year. She even moved back to her parents for 5 months because she was just not coping with any demands and she was really unsure about ever going back (she did and they are doing well again).

It's great that some people do better and can struggle on. But not everybody can.