DH has checked out of family life due to his mental health

[99WithTwoFlakes]

Name changed for this. I don’t know what to do anymore. I basically feel like I’m a single parent.

DH suffers with depression, panic disorder and generalised anxiety disorder, he’s been diagnosed within the last year but I think I have known for a while that there were some mental health issues. He’s never been massively hands on as a dad, and in the past has blamed it on his demanding job, which saw him out of the house for most of the day. But he would do things with the kids when he could, like take them to their hobbies, to the cinema, do some school and nursery runs, and during lockdown he did his fair share of home-schooling etc.

But in the past couple of months it’s got to the point where he cannot even be in the same room as them. (They are aged 1, 3, 6 and 8). He says the kids’ noise exacerbates his mental health conditions. I try to keep them as quiet as possible as I understand the noise is a particular trigger for him and as you can imagine at those ages the kids have their moments, though I would also say the older three do keep relatively quiet for long periods if told to. We also have a large enough house that he can escape to other parts of the house when it all gets too much for him. But what I’ve found is he will do that in the morning and then we won’t see him for the rest of the day. He usually comes back to spend time with me after they’re all asleep.

In the past week he’s also said he won’t be able to do the things he used to do anymore (examples above). He’s said that given his deteriorating mental health I’m expecting too much from him. For what it’s worth I rarely ask him to do anything anymore, everything he does is because he feels like it. And I do everything else including all the housework and trying to work a full time job (from home due to Covid). He won’t do any of the housework but will cook the occasional meal. I still can’t get my head around why he won’t do any housework as that has nothing to do with listening to the kids’ noise....let’s just say that when I bring things up I’m accused of being insensitive or uncaring and on a really bad day I’m blamed for giving him a panic attack.

I feel utterly miserable. Part of me feels like this isn’t the life I signed up for, and then I feel like a complete bitch for feeling that way, because it’s his mental health and although he’s getting regular treatment for it, it’s not working yet and he doesn’t seem to be able to cope with any aspect of family life. We never go anywhere as a family, we never play games with the kids together, he doesn’t even help with bedtimes and hasn’t read any of them a bedtime story in ages. He’s either sitting upstairs in the bedroom feeling depressed or anxious, or he’s just too tired from work. Are these just excuses? How will I ever know if he’s perfectly capable but very ill, or whether he’s just plain lazy?

On top of looking after four children I have to be constantly mindful of his conditions and do everything I can not to trigger a panic attack. Having a conversation with him about something I’m feeling upset about is impossible, there is almost no emotional support back, it’s all one way. It is exhausting and I’m forever walking on eggshells. Lord only knows how the kids feel - probably the same way.

Here’s the AIBU part.... I know this is a ridiculous question but at what point would you cut your losses and go your separate ways? AIBU for considering leaving someone who is clearly very ill? I am already basically a single mum and if I’m honest I feel so much relief when he’s not around. Obviously I love him and miss him at times but it’s one less person to look after and the kids are happier too. But I’m conscious I feel this way because of his deteriorating mental health. So I would feel like I’ve left him just because of a disability ...does that make me pure evil? I sometimes wonder how I’d feel if I had post-natal depression and he left me. But then I realise I’d still be expected to parent and look after my baby if I had PND....and he literally is saying he can’t do ANYTHING now, it’s like he’s got a get out of parenting free card which he now uses daily.

YABU - he’s ill and you need to be there for him even if he can’t contribute to family life anymore.
YANBU - you can’t be expected to do everything / he’s using his mental health as an excuse.

Any thoughts or comments would really help me right now...even if it’s to tell me I’m being an insensitive and uncaring bitch!! Thank you

Dont assume his cbt therapist is taking you or dc into account.

Unless you have been invited in to give your side of the story the therapist only has your dh side. You and dc may mot even figure.

You can ask for some joint family therapy type sessions. Tho frankly they were not helpful in my case..he used them and manipulated them to be about him

Has any gp or counsellor asked you about you?
Who is caring for you op?

As someone who has suffered from anxiety depression acrophobia and BPD, j think he’s being very selfish and extremely lazy. I’ve had to cope with working full time, doing the lions share of the housework and looking after 2dc, all whilst married and all whilst unwell with these disabilities. I know I be accused of being sexist , but it amazes me how men get to check out whenever they want and women are left to deal with everything, wether it’s cos the man doesn’t seem to appreciate the amount of daily effort and chores needing doing, or they say they’re tired from work, or they are unwell and can’t do it , or they just decide to walk out one day....women are always left to cope in their own without much thought from dh ( or soon to be exdh). I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. As someone who is mentally and physically disabled, I don’t get to walk away from my responsibilities and neither should any man/partner. You need to have a conversation with him. He can’t live life shut off from the rest of the family. It’s not fair on any of you including the kids.

If I were you I would go. Get your things in order and leave. It seems such a dreadful thing to do but honestly, if you have got to the point where you're operating as a single parent already, it won't be that bad and stress-wise it will certainly be better.

I did this many years ago and it was the right thing. Single parenthood was easy as I'd always had to do everything anyway. Like you, I had got to the point where everyone was calmer and happier (no keeping quiet, walking on eggshells) when he wasn't around, that was the trigger for me. It ought to be for you....just go.....

Sorry haven’t rtft but skimmed. There have been a few threads like this recently, am starting to think men get given a pamphlet on MH that states they can check out of domestic life indefinitely if they have MH problems. I think the women’s must have got lost in the post or something?

Agree with pp on the meds. I’ve done cbt and it was like trying to fix a broken limb with a Mickey Mouse plaster. Needed the meds.

If he lived alone would he magically have the powers to clean the house etc, and look after the kids occasionally? Is he still working? If yes, you can definitely leave him without any guilt whatsoever. If no, he definitely needs more than cbt! Possibly hospitalisation.

You sound absolutely lovely OP, I think you've done all you can and should. I think your DH is a very manipulative and selfish man, I agree with a pp about him needing an audience. If you tell him you want a trial separation maybe his conditions will miraculously improve once he's not the centre of attention.

I've had a few hours in of depression and anxiety and a very intense period of panic attacks. Panic attacks are not the end of the world. They are unpleasant and can be frightening, and they're fucking horrible if you get one when you are asleep. But the more you pander to them the more they affect your life. The life affecting should stop with the person who had the attacks. It is not ok to expect other people to pander to your panic attacks.

I of course had an honorable exception to this because obviously when I was in the middle of it, my panic attacks controlled me. I couldn't cope when people blocked my exits. But actually this was my issue to solve, not theirs.

It sounds like your DH is not even trying to stop his health affecting the rest of the family. So it falls to you. But most of the solutions available to you are sticking plasters and tweaks that make little difference. So the only real solution available to you is the 'nuclear' option.

Get a cleaner and reduce your hours at work if you can Yp6u need " chill time" too. I suggest two weeks or so for him away from the family home , just to give you all a breather

Do not make yourself more reliant on him financially by reducing your hours at work.

Going part time to spend more time on housework so a man doesn't have to is a bad path.

Even if he stops being sexist, one day your children will be older and you may well regret slowing your career to avoid a row about laundry with a man who was being a dick about women's work at the time.

I think I'd leave. I'm the husband in your scenario, my mental health is terrible (ptsd, anxiety, depression), I struggle to sleep and can barely function at points. However I'm actively trying to protect my family from my illness. I'm not on medication (tried setraline, had awful side effects, was told to come off it and haven't been prescribed anything else despite asking) and have had 2 years of therapy on the NHS. I'm currently having private therapy online as I had a major breakdown during lockdown and if that doesn't work, I'm going to leave them because things do spill out even though, I try so hard.

I still do most of the housework, playing with the kids and bedtimes. I do all the cooking. Hating myself, feeling worthless and wishing I was dead doesn't impede my ability to clean up or feed people.

Dont assume his cbt therapist is taking you or dc into account

Unless you have been invited in to give your side of the story the therapist only has your dh side. You and dc may mot even figure

^^
This with bells on!

Remember that this is a man who:

1. Only gave you the bare minimum of "help" after you had given birth, and quickly decided you didn't need it and could be left to cope.

2. Claims his children are "Resilient" - yes, because all kids aged between 1 and 8 years can clearly express how they feel.(not!) What he actually means is " I don't want to think about how my behavior affects them - because I will have to own it, and try to change. It's all fine !!!

I would bet my house that his CBT therapist has a very hazy grasp of what is happening within your family.

Could you go to the sessions too?

There's a quote that "mental health is not your fault, but it is your responsibility". He needs to be doing something to help him cope. It's not fair to leave you to deal with every aspect of family life. And it's not fair on the kids to make them feel responsible for their dad's mental health.

He needs to make big steps to get himself help. In your position, if he didn't do that, I'd be leaving and putting my kids first.

Suggest it would be kinder if he moved out. He is saying the kids are making him unwell. He is making the kids unhappy and confusing them.

Just seems convenient that he can use it as a way to give up and get out of any usefulness. apologies if it is genuine. even at my worst I could still look after my kids and be a productive member of the family.

@lonelySam

I had a stress induced psychotic break a month ago. In the middle of the psychosis, my partner of many, many years has left me. Of course you have the right to leave your husband at any point and for any reason and you should not sacrifice your MH to save his. But you know what? It's shit to be discarded at the lowest point in your life.

I am sorry that happened to you. It must have hurt you a lot.

The op has a right to live a full and happy life, as do her children and they cannot do that right now.

For all that no one deserves to discarded, 4 children here already are being, because believe me, 5 minutes of hugs a day does not a father make, and he is able to be available, because he spends times with op once the kids are in bed.

OP I had a couple of thoughts:
1 - does he actually have a panic attack? Or is he using the threat of having one to stop conversations he find difficult? Because if it’s the latter then that’s just controlling. You mentioned previous abuse so one to watch out for.
2 - 6 months of CBT but no progress? Then it’s not working. The whole approach is based on getting results fast.
3 - if you have private health care then him going to see a psychiatrist seems essential. Medication and a different kind of talking therapy seem indicated.
4 - cleaner/ babysitters/ nursery hours/ laundry service/ Hello Fresh type meal kits seem essential. It’s not the moment to worry about saving some money. Someone else said if you go under, then everyone goes under. You must put your oxygen mask on first. Managing the load you are under is not selfish but vital.

@Dinosauratemydaffodils my goodness that sounds so hard - I hope you are feeling better soon

OP has he always been like this with noise etc - as a 20 something / child etc?

What is causing the anxiety at night that means he can’t sleep?

I have to say OP I would feel a bit like "fuck this" in your shoes. He was abusive in the past. He's now using his MH as an excuse to do absolutely bugger all. He's hurting you and his kids in the process. You don't have to put up with this.

I suffer from depression... It's taken a bit to get the correct meds... But I'm doing really well now. But you know what.... I'm a single mom.... So while battling depression I still had to work, take care of kids, take care of the house, cook the meals, etc. Life doesn't stop just because of mental health issues. If he's giving up because of it... Then tell him to leave. It'll be easier to deal with it all yourself without resentment.

assume his cbt therapist is taking you or dc into account.

Unless you have been invited in to give your side of the story the therapist only has your dh side. You and dc may mot even figure.

This is what worries me. From what you’ve said he doesn’t prioritise family so it’s quite possible he hasn’t even mentioned his absence from family life to the therapist.

I'm on the other side of this. I suffer from complex PTSD because of childhood SA, and I now also have CFS following pneumonia last year and I've also been suffering from long-term Covid. It means that I'm very limited in how much I can do with my DDs and in the house. But I do what I can, and I certainly don't expect my DDs (11 and 8) to tiptoe around me. (Admittedly they're older children than yours, but I did cope with them when they were toddlers.)

MH issues are no excuse for making your family (particularly your DC) suffer because of it. Your DH sounds like my DB, who used to shout at my DDs. Hence we no longer have him here.

He needs to help himself, get therapy and sort out his meds, there are so many different meds if the one he's on isn't working. And until he does, I think asking him to leave is the right course of action.

I see he has a therapist. But a therapist doesn't have a magic wand and isn't psychic. It only works if you fully engage with it.

I hate to say this OP, but this comes from a parent who also suffers from all of the above, and as a single parent I have to get on with it, because of I don't who else will look after the kids?

If his mental health has deteriorated so badly that every day life he is unable to cope with, I would recommend he gets urgent help from the crisis team.

I understand how he feels but only you would know if he is taking the piss, in my opinion I think he is. He comes down when you have done everything ?

I just went back to check, as I knew he'd come downstairs in the evenings to spend time with you/drone on about his issues, and sure enough, there he is. Not enough 'spoons' to care for his four children (which he did decide to have, presumably) but enough spoons to have an adult relationship where he's at the centre and gets all your attention.

Ugh, I can't repeat what everyone's said except you don't find mums of four kids with depression behaving like this and their husband doing absolutely everything, working and caring for four kids. Yes, slack may be cut, a few hours out, take the kids out when you can- but not a general absence of parenting full stop, only to reappear at 'adult time'.

My dad was like this, eggshells were walked on throughout my childhood- made no difference, he ran off with someone else as well, so don't expect thanks for your sacrifice, as you may not get it!

My H lives with a terrible amount of chronic pain and has at Rome's dipped into major depression. I do think there are a different set of decisions around leaving. We did talk seriously about separating several times. I'm the end we both got therapy to re-establish communication. I'd recommend getting yourself some counselling to explore these issues. It did take several years for my H to take his recovery seriously. He is obviously not able to do as much as me but he's a present and supportive partner now even when he's down which is what has kept us together. My heart goes out to you because it's such a difficult and stressful situation. I know I'm a bit run down and broken from coping with it all over these last years.

I agree with whatruthinking

I don’t want to truvialise mental illness but it’s not a get out of jail free card.

My exH was like this: sleeping for hours on end during the day, drinking heavily, refusing to participate in family life

I’m quite hardline about this: plenty of women manage families with serious depression. We just have to crack on with it.

Yes you can be expected to be sensitive and open to his needs but that doesn’t mean he gets to check out of family life indefinitely. It’s his responsibility to make sure the treatment he is receiving is allowing him, as far as possible, to play a part in the household. If he can’t do that you don’t owe it to him to carry everything.

@Embracelife You are absolutely right! I need all the help, paid or otherwise, that I can get!