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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband invited work colleague and son to stay

768 replies

Delatron · 14/08/2020 20:41

Just got back from holiday. Am knackered and have a mountain of washing to do. I’m working in the morning. DH has said his work colleague and son are flying back from a local airport and she’s asked if they can see us for dinner and stay over tomorrow. So one day’s notice. Then get up bloody early on Sunday to get their flight, wake us all up on the only day I get a lie in.

I mean how cheeky is this? DH has said yes. I’ve told him he can do all the beds/towels and cooking but I’m furious my chilled weekend has been taken away. He says he is just being kind and I’m so ‘hostile’.

Also the coronavirus risk? I’ve only had my parents overnight. Nobody else. We have no idea where they’ve been and whether they have been social distancing. They are not even close friends!

So am I being unfriendly and hostile?

OP posts:
Eddielzzard · 14/08/2020 22:43

Well done. That's the right thing to do. She shouldn't have asked and put you both in that position, and your DH shouldn't have said yes without checking with you first.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 14/08/2020 22:43

As a get out, can your husband not tell her that you're having to put someone up who is desperate/has left their spouse/family you forgot were coming. Due to the current pandemic, you can't have a third household staying over.

TorgosPizza · 14/08/2020 22:44

If they're not friends, AND invited themselves over for the night, AND will be waking the house early on a weekend morning... I'm not sure I'd care if I was rude to not "see them off".

Also, your husband is being unreasonable to say you're hostile. I'd hate this, Covid or no Covid. But yes, Covid fears makes it worse!

GreenGordon · 14/08/2020 22:45

@amicissimma

If DH did this without consulting me I'd be spending tomorrow night in a Travelodge and going there straight from work. I'd send a message around dinner time apologising that I was delayed and probably wouldn't be back that night then switch my phone off.

Your DH can be kind to his colleague and you can be kind to you.

^^ this
ShalomToYouJackie · 14/08/2020 22:47

YANBU, I'd be v annoyed. I hate having overnight guests, the short notice and on your only relaxing day makes it worse.

Inviting herself over is CF behaviour. Glad you put your foot down!

Spotsandstars · 14/08/2020 22:47

@GeorginaTheGiant

I bloody hate this when men do something, usually for a woman, because they’re so ‘nice’ while completely overlooking the fact that in the process they are being the opposite of nice To their own wife....um, whose opinion of him should matter more?!

Why on earth would the OP be happy about having random people to stay for her supposedly relaxing weekend, when we’re in the middle of a global pandemic and she hasn’t even had close friends and relatives staying?!

Not unreasonable OP, not at all.

All of the above!
AliceinBunnyland · 14/08/2020 22:47

Good for you OP

You're right to stay and stand you're ground. The social butterfly comments are missing the point a little IMHO as we are in a pandemic and no one knows how it could affect us or those around us if we catch it.

GreenGordon · 14/08/2020 22:48

@Bluntness100

Think this thread has just reminded me that mumsnet is full of folks who don’t answer their doors or phones, don’t have friends, and think having guests is tantamount to torture.

Someone even posted they could not understand why you’d wish to stay in someone else’s home, and called the poor Sods free loaders. I stay with friends regularly and have them stay with me.

We do it because we like socialising together and having a few drinks. It’s actually perfectly normal.

Not in a pandemic. And not in my house.
Original poster
Delatron · 14/08/2020 22:52

Yes it’s not a risk I’m taking to have close friends over so why would I do it for his work colleague?

He’s trying to twist it and say it’s because I hate having overnight guests but I will stick firm and keep mentioning the current climate and guidelines.

Also agree with the poster that says he is bending over backwards to be seen as the nice guy. I have no idea why he’s so desperate for them to stay. Madness.

I’ll just have to be the bad (hostile, unfriendly) guy for a while.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 14/08/2020 22:55

Good for you, Delatron. And make sure you stick to your principles. It will in all probability be very embarrassing for him to have to cancel his work colleague, but it might make him ask you before agreeing to such a thing next time.

ktp100 · 14/08/2020 23:00

Hostile my arse.

If your DH doesn't have the spine to say no to CFs in the midst of a global pandemic then when would he?!

Stick to your guns and make him to the work. Better still, tell her one of the kids has a temperature so you all have to isolate (and hence, FUCK OFF!).x.

ScrimpshawTheSecond · 14/08/2020 23:05

Well done, OP. The pandemic is still very much with us, it is NOT the time to be staying with vague colleagues, fuck that! She is a CF and/or a bit dim.

Rosebel · 14/08/2020 23:13

If I was as bothered by overnight guests as you claim to be I'd have taken your husband up on his offer to cancel. So what if you look like the bad guy? It's not your colleague. Why do you care what she thinks of you.
Your husband has been u unreasonable, not her. She offered to stay in a hotel but he didn't want her to. Don't change the story to try and make her look bad.
Just tell him to cancel.

saltycat · 14/08/2020 23:15

I don't know about anyone else, but the last thing I would want to do is to stay with a family that I don't know and disrupt the family routine, not to mind being in their face.

The guest is an idiot IMV. The husband is worse. lol.

goingtotown · 14/08/2020 23:22

He invited them 100%.

Original poster
Delatron · 14/08/2020 23:27

He says he’ll cancel them in the morning (ie try and win me around). I told him to cancel them tonight. Without reading the string of texts I can’t say for sure whether she asked or he invited. He seems very keen to have them stay so yes it could well all be initiated by him.

Though I’m guessing she said she wanted to see us for dinner and was flying from Heathrow on Sunday am so he wanted to be the good guy and offer a place to stay.

OP posts:
InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 14/08/2020 23:40

@Delatron

He says he’ll cancel them in the morning (ie try and win me around). I told him to cancel them tonight. Without reading the string of texts I can’t say for sure whether she asked or he invited. He seems very keen to have them stay so yes it could well all be initiated by him.

Though I’m guessing she said she wanted to see us for dinner and was flying from Heathrow on Sunday am so he wanted to be the good guy and offer a place to stay.

He's really being inconsiderate of you and of his family given these people have been visiting with relatives and have come from a place with no air bridge less than 2 weeks ago. I'd wake up and tell him, 'Better cancel' and ask to see it because he's likely to not do it and have her turn up.
Shizzlestix · 14/08/2020 23:42

Oh god, I’d go mad! Just back from holiday with no doubt a shit ton of washing/sorting out? Just no! Your dh hasn’t thought this through, has he? Yet more wife work? He’s no doubt expecting you to be the hostess with the mostest, make a meal, change beds etc? Paste on a ‘I”m not tired’ fake smile?

EinsteinaGogo · 14/08/2020 23:56

@Delatron

He says he’ll cancel them in the morning (ie try and win me around). I told him to cancel them tonight. Without reading the string of texts I can’t say for sure whether she asked or he invited. He seems very keen to have them stay so yes it could well all be initiated by him.

Though I’m guessing she said she wanted to see us for dinner and was flying from Heathrow on Sunday am so he wanted to be the good guy and offer a place to stay.

Bloody hell, OP. You're not wrong. Who wants randoms staying right now?

I don't really think that you are likely to contract COVID, but surely now is not the time ?

Nothing wrong with saying 'we'd love to see you, let's have dinner at your hotel'.

"Come and stay in my bubble and use my bathroom and facilities?"

No thanks.

HouchinBawbags · 15/08/2020 00:37

@Delatron on occasions like this, does the organising naturally fall to you? Would you be making the beds, making the dinner, cleaning the house and generally running around like a blue arsed fly? If your DH fine with inviting random people to stay over because "it really is no trouble" (FOR HIM)?

And to a PP, I absolutely do think that one member if a household has the right to veto visitors. I don't think a partner should be allowed to decide who their other half's friends are but they do have a right to refuse to have people they don't want in the home they live in.

HouchinBawbags · 15/08/2020 00:39

Oh and to whoever said that you should make a list for him. Fuck no. So you don't have to do the work yourself but you still have to do work by giving detailed instructions on things that need done? Nope. He should do it right all by himself! You're not his mummy.

VacMan · 15/08/2020 00:53

Sometimes my DH will jump in and offer 'us' to do things without even considering I might not want to. He's so helpful and easy going but I wish he wouldn't just assume I'm ok with it.

I've had to have a chat with him and explain he can't just commit to things without actually discussing it with me. It's common courtesy.

Nanny0gg · 15/08/2020 00:55

@Horehound

Yes, some may say it's actually.... Dun dun dun...fun!

Shocking. I know.

Some may. Some may not.

We're all different.

Why is that a problem?

theprincessmittens · 15/08/2020 00:57

I'm bipolar and 'sleeping over' has always been my idea of utter hell. When I first started seeing my partner over a decade ago, he saw every night out as a chance to 'sleep over'...at friend's, his parents etc...and this was a man of 38! (and at the time we lived less than a hour from them all) I went along with it a couple of times (mistake) until I ended up losing my rag and saying that at the age of 41 I was far too old for the whole 'sleep over' bollocks. I don't want people I barely know in my space and if I can get back to my own bed after a night out - and I don't care if I have to travel for up to 3 hours - I will.

He's probably called me 'hostile and unfriendly' - I couldn't give a rat's ass, because at that's only his opinion.

Even with Covid 19 your husband shouldn't be doing this. Check into a hotel and leave him to it. Only way he will learn.

VacMan · 15/08/2020 00:58

I mean he can't commit me to things without discussing it, he can volunteer himself for anything. But not when it affects me.