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Original poster

Husband invited work colleague and son to stay

768 replies

Delatron · 14/08/2020 20:41

Just got back from holiday. Am knackered and have a mountain of washing to do. I’m working in the morning. DH has said his work colleague and son are flying back from a local airport and she’s asked if they can see us for dinner and stay over tomorrow. So one day’s notice. Then get up bloody early on Sunday to get their flight, wake us all up on the only day I get a lie in.

I mean how cheeky is this? DH has said yes. I’ve told him he can do all the beds/towels and cooking but I’m furious my chilled weekend has been taken away. He says he is just being kind and I’m so ‘hostile’.

Also the coronavirus risk? I’ve only had my parents overnight. Nobody else. We have no idea where they’ve been and whether they have been social distancing. They are not even close friends!

So am I being unfriendly and hostile?

OP posts:
YouMadeAStupidComment · 16/08/2020 06:16

Very odd you bring up your concern about covid risks after saying that you just came back from holiday?

Friendsoftheearth · 16/08/2020 06:46

I am glad you got through it, but I am still wondering why she is even turning up like this. I don't think it is unreasonable to agree a limit about house guests and how many you are willing to host a year; if any, and tell dh that will be the last time he drops someone on you like this.

My guess is she holds a torch for your dh, it is unlikely she has made so much effort, twice, in a pandemic to see someone she doesn't care about.

Trustarch · 16/08/2020 06:56

She sounds really rude!

MeridianB · 16/08/2020 07:22

Well done for getting through it! Lots of questions....

Was her son hanging out with your children?

Did you spend the whole evening in the garden?

Did DH clear up and clean up?

And crucially - did they bring their luggage with them?

It’s not polite to talk about work so much when you, your children and her son were there. It’s odd to stay so late and to not bring even a bottle of wine. I agree with PP who mentioned keeping an eye on this.

Sexnotgender · 16/08/2020 07:33

I HATE guests that outstay their welcome.

My parents have a friend that tells you when you arrive for dinner that he’s booked you a taxi for 10😂 I used to think it was a bit rude but I’m getting more on board with it.

Bluesheep8 · 16/08/2020 07:37

But they're meant to be in quarantine for 2 weeks. They CAN'T come and stay no matter who invited them. Surely it's against the law?Confused

goingtotown · 16/08/2020 08:20

Was the taxi taking them to a hotel or the airport?

Happynow001 · 16/08/2020 08:24

@Timekeeper2

I got so frustrated reading your posts. Sure they didn't stay over, but you still had them over for dinner. You needed to nip the WHOLE ENTIRE THING in the bud. If I were you I would have called her personally and said I am exhausted from our trip, this time is not a good time to see you, maybe next time. Call over. You STILL let them come for dinner. I was reading hoping you'd just grab the phone from him, dial her number, and tell her, in front of him, that you can't see them. But you didn't. And then you let them stay til near midnight! People like her (and your husband, I guess) don't take 'hints'. You need to say straight out that it's been (hell) a nice night but you are tired and you think it's time you booked their taxi. Straight talking is the only thing these people know. Yawning does stuff all (and she probably noticed but didn't care, people like her ignore weak attempts). If you let them (your husband, as well as her) walk all over you then they know they can get away with it and will not change. Softly, gently and meek approach gets your no where, time for you to make some changes in your marriage and in general regarding how you let people use you.
Sorry @Delatron

I agree with this! You don't sound like a doormat at all but you let your husband and this woman treat you like one.

Even allowing for the fact she did come for dinner you could have been both polite AND assertive to get her out of the door much earlier. I still can't work out why you didn't.

I hope you manage to have a constructive conversation today with your husband where you can agree clear and consistent boundaries that he won't over-ride again so this doesn't happen in the future. Not with this woman nor anyone else. He obviously knows exactly what he's doing, how hard he can push past your preferences and that he'll pretty much get the results he wants (eg you also mentioned his team events at your home pre-Covid where you do all the prep work.

You could have nipped this firmly in the bud and not care about him making you out to be the bad guy. 🌹

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2020 08:27

Christ can’t believe some folks are now hurling abuse at the op. She didn’t act like a door mat, she was polite to her guests. I may not have agreed her initial issues and thoughts on the guest, But she handled the evening with grace. She doesn’t deserve abuse because the woman stayed later that folks feel is right.

Pobblebonk · 16/08/2020 08:45

I agree you can use her behaviour last night as a good reason to tell your DP that she is not to be invited again.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 16/08/2020 09:02

I suspect she hasn’t booked a hotel and if she couldn’t actually get a bed to sleep in at yours, then she was aiming to stay at yours as long as possible so she could go straight to the airport for their early flight...

Mamia15 · 16/08/2020 09:38

@MeridianB

Well done for getting through it! Lots of questions....

Was her son hanging out with your children?

Did you spend the whole evening in the garden?

Did DH clear up and clean up?

And crucially - did they bring their luggage with them?

It’s not polite to talk about work so much when you, your children and her son were there. It’s odd to stay so late and to not bring even a bottle of wine. I agree with PP who mentioned keeping an eye on this.

YY to these questions - I suspect they went straight to the airport as midnight is way too late if you have to check in 3 hours before an early morning flight.
billy1966 · 16/08/2020 10:05

OP,
Very odd behaviour from them both.

Your husband is very dismissive of you and her rudeness at not so much as bringing a gift is also dismissive.

I can't imagine a good marriage where one party behaves as your husband does towards you.

Protect yourself.
He doesn't have YOUR back.
Flowers

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 16/08/2020 10:25

@YouMadeAStupidComment

Very odd you bring up your concern about covid risks after saying that you just came back from holiday?
She said they holidayed in the UK.
UnfinishedSymphon · 16/08/2020 10:38

They holidayed in America, it's quite clear

Original poster
Delatron · 16/08/2020 10:40

Yep we were holidaying in the U.K.

I try to be a good host so I just don’t have it in me to say ‘right let’s get you a cab’

We both tried to drop a few hints like ‘oh we’ve run out of wine’. And I went a bit quiet, yawned and looked at the clock.

I think she stayed late to prove a point maybe. That she should have stayed over? Who knows. I also think the lack of a even a bottle of wine was on purpose as she was put out that she couldn’t stay.

Anyway her taxi was to her hotel.

And yes further discussions with DH will be had

OP posts:
Original poster
Delatron · 16/08/2020 10:42

No they came over from the US but I don’t know the exact dates. She said they did some sort of ‘quarantine’ in Ireland but we don’t think for long enough then they visited family and friends in various locations.

So that was my concern on the COVID risk.

OP posts:
rebecca102 · 16/08/2020 10:43

I would be a bit ehhh about it without corona but I would be saying absolutely no at the moment.

MadamBatty · 16/08/2020 11:00

if she arrives with nothing when she was a guest in Ireland I’m sure she went down a storm. You’d be excused murder quicker than arriving at somebodies house with one hand longer than the other!

I’m sure your husband wanted to be kind but he was very unkind to you. He’d want to sort his priorities.

You have much more patience than me!

Original poster
Delatron · 16/08/2020 11:02

I was wondering if it was an American thing the lack of hosting gift? Not bashing Americans! But trying to understand if in different cultures they do things differently.

Or she was just pissed off she wasn’t invited to stay.

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 16/08/2020 11:07

@Delatron

I was wondering if it was an American thing the lack of hosting gift? Not bashing Americans! But trying to understand if in different cultures they do things differently.

Or she was just pissed off she wasn’t invited to stay.

I can’t imagine it being an American thing, happy to be corrected though. My experience of Americans is they go over the top to show their gratitude.
MadamBatty · 16/08/2020 11:12

If she was visiting Irish relatives she must have some Irish blood. Horrendous crime to arrive with nothing. It’s not even considered a gift more that you’re contributing to the occasion.

pickingdaisies · 16/08/2020 11:13

Americans turn up with stuff. OPs "guest" was just a CF.

Kipperandarthur · 16/08/2020 11:14

I would just say it’s a thoughtless thing. Just like outstaying your welcome. Also talking too much about work in that setting which is unfair on you and the children.

Original poster
Delatron · 16/08/2020 11:24

Ok the upshot is she’s just rude and that also fits in with the inviting herself round with no notice! And outstaying her welcome.

I got up to a clean kitchen so I really didn’t do anything to help DH. We’ve agreed no impromptu guests again without asking.

Sorry any Americans! I just wanted to check the general etiquette there. It may be different to here.

OP posts: