Husband invited work colleague and son to stay

[Delatron]

Just got back from holiday. Am knackered and have a mountain of washing to do. I’m working in the morning. DH has said his work colleague and son are flying back from a local airport and she’s asked if they can see us for dinner and stay over tomorrow. So one day’s notice. Then get up bloody early on Sunday to get their flight, wake us all up on the only day I get a lie in.

I mean how cheeky is this? DH has said yes. I’ve told him he can do all the beds/towels and cooking but I’m furious my chilled weekend has been taken away. He says he is just being kind and I’m so ‘hostile’.

Also the coronavirus risk? I’ve only had my parents overnight. Nobody else. We have no idea where they’ve been and whether they have been social distancing. They are not even close friends!

So am I being unfriendly and hostile?

He can also disinfect the whole house, chairs, tables, door handles, bedroom & bathroom. because even if you go to the hotel, it won't be for 14 days.
He knows you don't like hosting overnight
He knows there is a very real risk of covid for you all
He knows you are tired & were looking forward to a quiet day before going back to work. (Is he working btw ?)
He obviously agreed to this weeks ago & didn't bother/dare drop the news, he may have a crush on theo woman, & want to be "kind"
but what about being "kind" to his wife?
He sounds ignorant & selfish .... Don't back down

Again, I just got a hotel in a city which is normally totally stowed this time of year, for £42 for two of us, and there was availability for tonight (restaurant, bar are closed, though). So he's full of shit. I'd not hesitate to raise merry hell over this.

Yep I’ve told him the biggest source of transmission is between households inside houses.

After he asked me what I was worried for as we had eaten out at pubs last week.

He will not rescind the dinner invite. Despite me pointing out the risk. And now I’ll be the bad guy as I’m packing them off to a hotel.

She has travelled with her 12 year old half way across the world, I'm sure she can manage a taxi ride. FFS

I would be incandescent by now. She would not be coming in my house and I would also tell "D" H to do one as well. Maybe he can build up to not being a selfish twat.

He’s basically using the fact that I don’t like quests overnight against me. No consideration or understanding, just I’m so antisocial and poor him he can never have friends over (he does).

I am totally with you on this op. It is not on to invite anyone to stay with you without discussing it in advance and coming to an agreement, and secondly who would ever do this in the middle of a global pandemic and put their whole family at risk?! All for someone at work and not even a friend or family member.

There is no way she would be coming. No way on god's earth. Dh needs to call and apologise that it was his mistake, and give her the numbers for local hotels.

His complete lack of consideration will have a very negative impact, because you seem to be at the bottom of the queue in terms of his priorities, even his work buddies seem to be coming first and I am not sure I could live with someone that had so little respect for our health (covid risk) and/or my feelings. I hope he understands, and apologises op. It is not on at all.

@Delatron

Yep I’ve told him the biggest source of transmission is between households inside houses.

After he asked me what I was worried for as we had eaten out at pubs last week.

He will not rescind the dinner invite. Despite me pointing out the risk. And now I’ll be the bad guy as I’m packing them off to a hotel.

Then be the bad guy. Fuck him. Your health and your children's health is far more important. Practice it now. 'Sorry, DH here hasn't considered that you two have been travelling the past couple of weeks after coming from a country with no air bridge. I'm afraid I can't take the risk of contracting the virus or the virus going to my children so you will all need to go off to eat. I'm sure you understand, as a mother, we have to put our children's health first. Have a great dinner,' and that's it.

He's being a total cunt to you and your kids. These people have broken the policy.

DH will continue to insist it’s because I’m so hostile and hate having people over but I’ve decided I can live with that.

You don't like people staying overnight

Your DH knows this

He invited two people you don't know to stay overnight without checking with you first - despite knowing your feelings

That is manipulative rude and controlling - it is your house too and all of you should be consulted before an invite is made

Each time he does this I would leave and stay elsewhere for a while

Actually I'd probably end the relationship because I fucking hate tossers who do this sort of thing and then blame their partners for their reaction which was a given anyway

But I expect that's going too far for MN

He knows you don't like overnight guests so why the fuck would he invite a random in the pandemic who has exposed herself to god knows what. Is he trying to piss you off for some reason?

In his eyes I am wrong for not liking overnight guests. It’s my issue and it annoys him. Therefore he carries on inviting people. Even people who we are not that close to.

btw Lots of people hate overnight guests! I hate having people to stay because I can't relax, the extra work load and the pressure of entertaining and catering. I am too tired these days and we never do it as a result.

Op, you need to be far more comfortable with your position on this, and vocal about your feelings on the subject. It is not a great failing on your part not to enjoy it, it is normal and natural when you are grown adult to enjoy relaxing without having a house full of people.

@Delatron

He’s basically using the fact that I don’t like quests overnight against me. No consideration or understanding, just I’m so antisocial and poor him he can never have friends over (he does).

So just keep turning it back on him. 'You're entitled to think whatever you want, but you know damn well they're breaking the law and if you care more about them than the health of your kids and me, that says more about you than me.' Rinse and repeat. 'Diddums! Not having friends who've broken the law over in the middle of a pandemic and risking your children's health, such hardship!' Over and over.

@Delatron

In his eyes I am wrong for not liking overnight guests. It’s my issue and it annoys him. Therefore he carries on inviting people. Even people who we are not that close to.

So every time he does, do FA and leave. Every time. And ditch the kids with him, too.

Maybe during dinner you could say something like "Sorry you couldn't stay. Obviously it just isn't sensible right now" or something like that to make clear they are not staying.

It sounds like an old issue that has not been resolved.

It is your home, it is your place to relax and unwind. You should not have to endure people staying if you don't want to, it is not a hostel there to serve others for your husband's entertainment.

Ask him to cancel this woman now, and have a heart to heart about where you go from here. It is not acceptable to invite randoms into your home as and when he feels like it.

So what if you don't like over night visitors? In fact, knowing that you don't like having people over night makes it worse. He deliberately made the offer to his colleague without consulting you because he knew he wouldn't like it. He then didn't tell you until the last minute hoping you would just suck it up.
Now he is putting off telling her the situation has changed because he is still hoping that you will change your mind. He is a complete arsehole!

Just leave him to it, no changing beds or cleaning or preparing meals, just leave him to enjoy his guests. 'Oh, Delatron doesn't like overnight guests! She's so anti-social'. 'Oh, you're so right, DH who hasn't changed the sheets on the bed you're sleeping in and thinks there's a magic cleaning fairy!' and laugh as you breeze out the door. Or just let him say what he wants whilst you're at a hotel, if he said something like this and I was the guest I'd think he was a right twat for inviting me when his own wife didn't like it.

My dh and I are very different people, I like to socialise - he does not. I respect his wishes, we now socialise a few times a year, but we have great bashes and make them really worthwhile. Dh does his best to be welcoming and not moan. I make the most of them, the rest of the time I recognise the need for his home life to be peaceful and relaxing.

You can perhaps agree a similar compromise. So old and trusted friends can stay a few times, at agreed times and dates when it is not too onerous for you. Dh respects the agreement for the rest of the time and does not to invite others to stay. Dinners can be arranged separately.

You need to find a middle road, but honestly just dropping people on you like this would be a no no for most people. Esp in a pandemic!

They shouldn't be coming for dinner OP, and I'm quite sure he isn't going to book a hotel and is going to spring them staying on you, counting that politeness will keep you quiet. He's more worried about not embarrassing himself than he is about your feelings or your health. Perhaps you should make it clear it will be embarrassing for him either way - say you'll tell them at the door that they can't come in the house if they do show up, or that you'll report them, or that you'll do these things if he doesn't give you her number so you can cancel yourself. If saving his face is his motivation then those things might force him to do it himself.

I would not be leaving my own house nor backing down! No way, why should you have to leave? It just makes you look stroppy and unreasonable, like you are storming out.
She is not staying and that is that - stick to the line. How he deals with it is his problem. Let him sort it out.

Offer to meet them at the hotel for dinner, DO NOT agree to dinner at yours. He will corner you into allowing her to stay over dinner otherwise.

No way!

If you’re going to be the bad guy anyway, can you just speak to her directly and say you are not comfortable with having her staying or coming over for dinner given the current pandemic rules.

And cancel her coming over.

It’s becoming clearer from each update that your husband is a total disrespectful dickhead who does this regularly by the sound of it.
The pandemic gives you the perfect opportunity to stand your ground & refuse to let them in your house. Stand firm, @Delatron, and don’t let him gaslight you on this one.

In his eyes I am wrong for not liking overnight guests. It’s my issue and it annoys him. Therefore he carries on inviting people. Even people who we are not that close to.

My goodness! This is awful. What else does he 'do anyway' just because he thinks you're wrong? What a tosser

I hope you are leaving all the entertaining to your (d)h to do. I'd be upstairs with a migraine but then it doesn't sound like he can be trusted to do the right thing by your family.
I hope he doesn't chicken out from making the call about staying over.