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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You should help if a person is struggling?

201 replies

Motherhood01 · 14/08/2020 19:29

I have an autistic child and because they are without any sense of danger and have severe learning disabilities I have to place them in a trolley to shop to keep him safe.

My child is 5 and just about fits into the seat but hes heavy and he kicks and struggles,pulls my hair,lashes out(is fine once in) and basically needs two people to get him in one to guide him and one to hold him.normally I shop with my partner who guides sons legs into the trolley, this is the part which causes him distress if not done quickly,but today I was alone and desperate for essentials so I had to try myself.i couldn't get him in,he was crying stimming pulling my hair and i asked a lady walking by if she could help me,she said no I'd rather not!! I couldn't believe it,have we got to this stage in humanity that no one actually gives a toss,that all feelings of empathy have disappeared?she saw me struggling,my son crying me crying but shrugged her shoulders.
I gave up and came home without milk.
I'm crying now writing this.its tough enough being a parent of a child like mine,but today it was emphasised to me just how tough.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 14/08/2020 21:01

I'd also second asking people at counters to get things for you. Theres a lot out there willing to get things for you if you go to the right place

category12 · 14/08/2020 21:01

For me, it wouldn't have anything to do with Covid - I'd be hugely uncomfortable trying to manhandle a stranger's child in any circumstances.

spacepoppers · 14/08/2020 21:02

I would have helped you in a heartbeat. I'm sorry that people can't recognise another human struggling and do something to help someone in desperate need of a helping hand, whatever the circumstances.

Lolwhat · 14/08/2020 21:04

I would of said no too, we’re in the middle of a pandemic and i don’t fancy getting kicked as much as you don’t

ddl1 · 14/08/2020 21:04

I am sorry that things are so difficult. But sadly I think that there are several understandable reasons why a stranger might not have helped. As pp have pointed out, she might be vulnerable to Covid/ living with someone vulnerable, and be afraid of getting in close physical contact with a stranger at this time. Also, even apart from Covid, she may not have known how to carry out this task, and been afraid of getting hurt, or indeed of hurting your son. And not everyone is good at explanations.

category12 · 14/08/2020 21:04

I don't think it's a case of not recognising someone's distress - it's being asked to do something quite worrying by a stranger. I'd hold a basket or get an assistant - I'd even buy some milk for someone, but no way would I wrestle their kid.

Choochoose · 14/08/2020 21:08

I don't think she was being unreasonable, but I don't think you are either in being upset about it Flowers

LouiseTrees · 14/08/2020 21:08

I wouldn’t have helped with your child but I would’ve asked what you needed and popped in for you (especially if it’s just for a few essentials).

dahlia83 · 14/08/2020 21:08

I would have helped. You weren't wrong to ask...people have no sense of community

raffle · 14/08/2020 21:09

We have these at our Tesco, no fighting legs thro! We used them regularly with DS.

I would definitely have helped you. I would have offered to nip in for your milk if your DS was too overwhelmed.

You should help if a person is struggling?
ScrimpshawTheSecond · 14/08/2020 21:10

OP, I'm sorry, it must be incredibly difficult for you. But you can't know what the woman's reasons were for not wanting to help. There could be many. Flowers

Ragwort · 14/08/2020 21:12

I am so sorry, I would have helped you, I helped a lady who had tripped and fallen on the pavement, right at the start of Covid when many people were incredibly anxious about 'catching' it. This whole experience has shown me how different people are about the situation ... I don't assume that everyone had Covid and I will catch it ... but lots of people do. I've been volunteering with very vulnerable people right from the start, I work in retail, I have very elderly parents ... but I just continue my life as normal with basic careful restrictions .. I am not prepared to put my life on hold, if that makes me selfish, so be it.

PurpleDaisies · 14/08/2020 21:12

Next time, just ask a shop worker.

I don’t think shop workers would be happy wrestling children into trolleys either.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/08/2020 21:15

There is a difference between helping fallen ladies, helping to pick up shopping (I would get you the milk if you asked) and handling distraught child. What would happen if he got injured during me helping? I can't imagine anyone who doesn't have experience be willing to help physically handling him.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/08/2020 21:15

@PurpleDaisies

Next time, just ask a shop worker.

I don’t think shop workers would be happy wrestling children into trolleys either.

I don't think they could even.
DotForShort · 14/08/2020 21:18

I would have asked if I could help in some other way, e.g., by collecting the items you needed and bringing them to you to pay for or something along those lines. But I would be very uncomfortable about forcing an unknown, unwilling child into a trolley, especially if I witnessed him thrashing about and pulling your hair. And even more especially in the current circumstances with the need for social distancing.

My heart absolutely goes out to you. But I don’t think it’s fair to expect a stranger to become involved to the extent that you wanted. And she may not have been “disgusted” at all. She may have been very sympathetic but her expression didn’t show that (I have often been accused of harbouring negative emotions when nothing could have been further from my mind, I’ve just been blessed with a resting bitch face).

Lovemusic33 · 14/08/2020 21:21

I would have helped and have helped people before, maybe it was more the fact of covid that effected her choice?

I have 2 autistic children, now teens, it does get harder as they get older and people are not so helpful.

blue25 · 14/08/2020 21:22

No sorry, why would she risk being hurt? Also people are socially distancing so of course she doesn’t want a screaming, crying child in her face. Use your common sense OP.

Glamazoni · 14/08/2020 21:25

I definitely wouldn’t help at present due to Covid, sorry. But even under normal circumstances I wouldn’t help because I wouldn’t want to take any liability for possibly hurting the child or being accused of touching inappropriately etc. The last thing I need is having the police called or being sued by a parent because I scratched their kid’s leg or accidentally touched a private part.

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 14/08/2020 21:29

Sorry but I wouldn't have helped you either. As an outsider all I would see is someone wanting help to force their child to do something that they don't want to. I also wouldn't want to be kicked or be accused of hurting your child and I'm the kind of person that helps, I've helped people during covid, it wouldn't be about catching it, it would be about being asked to do something that was hurting a child. I would not explain to you either, I'm an adult I don't have to give excuses to a stranger asking me to do something I don't want to. If you'd have asked me to nip in and get your milk I would have done but that's not what you asked.

2andahalfpints · 14/08/2020 21:32

Yabu, I would always offer to help anyone but with covid I wouldn't!

PlugUgly1980 · 14/08/2020 21:33

I wouldn't. I don't know you or your son from Adam. I'm still social distancing and unless it was clearly an emergency I wouldn't take the risk.

Ilovellamasandpenguins · 14/08/2020 21:37

I used to have the same trouble with my youngest (ASD). After a interminable battle to get him in the trolley, he’d scream and shout ‘help’ as we were going round the supermarket.

Online shopping saved me, it meant I couldn’t pop to the shops and I had to be organised, but it was better than dealing with my youngest.

The person you asked for help, may genuinely be scared and doesn’t know your circumstances and was probably a bit wary - I don’t blame her. When ASD are upset it can be quite scary.

Witchend · 14/08/2020 21:39

I've offered to help before, either carrying things or looking after younger ones when there's been a similar situation. It's often been accepted, and I've never had a rude response.

However I would be very reluctant to help put a heavy kicking and struggling child into a trolley. I've put my own struggling children into trolleys and I know what force is necessary but not too much. I don't know that for your child. Someone who has never done it would probably just look askance. Also I now have a back problem, and I really don't want to exacerbate it.
And at this particular time when we're being told to keep 2m away and wear masks, I can imagine someone not wanting to risk it.

multiplemum3 · 14/08/2020 21:44

I'm sorry op I'd offer to grab you whatever you needed but I wouldn't feel comfortable manhandling a distressed child I didn't know