You should help if a person is struggling?

[Motherhood01]

I have an autistic child and because they are without any sense of danger and have severe learning disabilities I have to place them in a trolley to shop to keep him safe.



My child is 5 and just about fits into the seat but hes heavy and he kicks and struggles,pulls my hair,lashes out(is fine once in) and basically needs two people to get him in one to guide him and one to hold him.normally I shop with my partner who guides sons legs into the trolley, this is the part which causes him distress if not done quickly,but today I was alone and desperate for essentials so I had to try myself.i couldn't get him in,he was crying stimming pulling my hair and i asked a lady walking by if she could help me,she said no I'd rather not!! I couldn't believe it,have we got to this stage in humanity that no one actually gives a toss,that all feelings of empathy have disappeared?she saw me struggling,my son crying me crying but shrugged her shoulders.
I gave up and came home without milk.
I'm crying now writing this.its tough enough being a parent of a child like mine,but today it was emphasised to me just how tough.

[hammeringinmyhead]

We've had social distancing hammered into us for 5 months so I would have assumed you'd know why. I'm not sticking up for her given the dirty look but I'd say "I'd rather not" as a polite nod to the pandemic. I don't think I'd be able to bring myself to say "No, you might be infectious"!

[BooFuckingHoo2]

I’m very sorry this happened to you

However I can completely see why someone wouldn’t want to assist with a child who was pulling your hair and hitting you. Even without Covid I think a lot of people wouldn’t want to put themselves in the position of having to restrain someone else’s child. I do sympathise though, it must be very tough

[nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut]

I wouldn't be comfortable physically manhandling a strangers struggling child, even without there being a pandemic. Sorry OP, think you are being unreasonable here.

[EyeSeeWhatYouDidThere]

If you had asked me to help, I'd have asked what I could do, but I wouldn't have been comfortable helping you put your DC in a trolley. I've got vulnerable family and a small baby so I'm very conscious of social distancing. If you'd have asked me to grab you some bread and milk or given me a shopping list, I absolutely would have done that for you though, gladly. I can see it from both sides. Sorry you had such a rubbish time

[Saucery]

Some people just aren’t the type to explain politely, OP, no point dwelling on her reaction.
I once asked a woman on a walk to look at my face as the dog had jumped up and grazed my nose badly. It seemed to be pouring blood and I just wanted to know how bad it was so I could turn round and go home if it was. She didn’t even stop, she just looked appalled and threw her hands in the air and actually jogged away. The reasons for that could have been many (thought it was a distraction scam, hated dogs, thought the dog had bitten me, phobic of blood....). Bottom line was it would have been nice if she’d helped but she couldn’t and didn’t feel polite in refusing.

[heartsonacake]

It’s not odd or cruel, and she doesn’t owe you an explanation as to why she doesn’t want to help.

Even if Covid weren’t an issue, it’s asking too much of strangers to wrestle a distressed child with you.

[Completelyfrozen]

OP, In the kindest possible way, YABU.
From what you have said, the stranger you asked for help could only see that your son was distressed and pulling your hair. You wont find many people, faced with a violent child who will willingly offer to manhandle the child, risking having their own hair pulled too. Most people dont want to deal with a strangers crying child either.
That's not to mention the risk of covid.
Would your DP pick you milk up on the way home or do the shopping/look after DS while you shop in future?
It sounds very stressful for all concerned and I wonder if the solution lies in not taking your son and forcing him into a shopping trolley?

[CottonSock]

I'd probably help, but it's not an obligation. Sounds like you need to do online shopping. I have kids and don't take them to the supermarket, especially now.

[purpledagger]

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I wouldn't feel comfortable assisting someone to wrestle their child into a trolley. This is regardless of coronavirus. If your child wasn't distressed then I may have helped.

[tiredanddangerous]

Maybe she was worried about Covid? For all
all you know she's been shielding for months and is still being extra careful. Maybe she didn't want to be hurt by your child. I'm sorry you had such a stressful experience but I wouldn't have helped you either (and i have an autistic dd)

[1Morewineplease]

I am so very sorry to read your plight. It’s not nice and , as others have said, now is not the time to make body contact with strangers.
Is there someone who could help you out with shopping? Or even sit with your child while you popped to the shops.
It looks like you might have to rely on home deliveries for a while.
This is not the response that you would like and I fully appreciate it.
However , even in the absence of Covid, I doubt that anyone would be willing to physically handle your child for fear of hurting or further litigation.

I am sorry. 😔

[Olddinosaur]

Sorry that you had a negative experience though I do think YABU in being angry at the lady for not helping, she may have fully empathised with your situation and been desperate to help but she could have been scared to catch Covid (may have underlying conditions herself or live with someone who does), may be scared to pass covid to your family, may be pregnant and concerned about being hit or could have an existing injury that could be further exacerbated by helping, she may just be uncomfortable touching other peoples children, she may know that she doesnt know how to manually handle someone without injuring them etc.

[DowntonCrabby]

Please don’t let this experience put you off asking for help in future. In normal times I think 9/10 would help and I’d imagine a good amount of people would still help, even with everything going on. I would have.

[Standrewsschool]

@D4rwin

I am a keen to help person. BUT nothing would convince me to "assist" a distressed and unwilling child to do something they didn't want to. Unfortunately not knowing your son I could only work on information in front of me. I would offer to get milk/ things for you instead though (if it wasn't much I'd even do it for free).
She may have had her own issues. That doesn't help you though.
Sorry today was tough.

Yes, I agree with this. I wouldn’t be willing to help a distressed child. However, I may offer to help with the shopping.

[circumventgatekeeper]

Yabu

A severely distressed child who is lashing out is not something any stranger is going to help force into a child seat designed for toddlers.

If it takes two people to manhandle him into this seat then one does the shopping and one stays at home with him.
You order delivery
Use a milk man

[loutypips]

If there was no Covid I would've definitely tried to help. With Covid, no I wouldn't.

You don't know, she may have a vulnerable relative, or she may have been shielding until recently. It's crap I know, but many just don't want to get close to others at the moment.

[romeolovedjulliet]

she didn't need to give you a reason, normally i would offer someone in your situation but at the current time probably not as i have under lying health issues and although i use a mask [with difficulty] i'm not confident they make much difference.

[Kungfupanda67]

I would’ve helped, I always would help a stranger who asks and I think it’s quite sad that people wouldn’t - the exception being if she was worried about Covid, but I’d have expected her to say that’s why she wouldn’t and maybe offer to get a member of staff for you. I’d suggest asking someone with young children with them, I can’t imagine watching another parent struggle and not offer to help.

[PurpleDaisies]

In normal times I think 9/10 would help and I’d imagine a good amount of people would still help, even with everything going on.

I think that’s very, very optimistic.

People might hold a trolley while you’re doing a seatbelt, or possibly even pop in for milk if they were super generous but I don’t think many would help manhandle a child into a trolley.

[2bazookas]

Have you heard that some people have to be extra careful about social distancing? Some people have to be extra careful to avoid bruises or scratches? People with mental health issues can be scared around physical contact or threats.

Nobody has to explain themselves to a complete stranger in a supermarket. YOU didn't explain your sons behaviour, did you?

You're the one with no empathy or consideration.

[TheLightSideOfTheMoon]

I wouldn't help either.

I work with adults with autism and restraining them is a BIG no.

Autism or not, manhandling a crying child into a trolley seat wouldn't be my scene.

You were unfair to put her in that position.

[StyleandBeautyfail]

I would be really shocked if someone asked me to do this.
Absolutely no way would I touch a strangers child unless they were about to dive under a car.
She was probably taken aback

[category12]

Sorry you had a bad day.

I'd be extremely reluctant to hold a stranger's child's legs or otherwise interact with them physically. I wouldn't want to accidentally hurt them (or get hurt myself).

[Todaythiscouldbe]

I'm sorry to say I wouldn't have helped either. I appreciate you were in a difficult situation but I haven't touched another human being in almost 6 months and I wouldn't put myself, your son or you at risk.

[SentientAndCognisant]

Ahh poor you, you were having a hard time
The lady declining doesn’t make her a bad person,she probably had a myriad of reasons
Not least covid, fear of getting it wrong, it’s a big deal for a stranger to physically handle an upset child