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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You should help if a person is struggling?

201 replies

Motherhood01 · 14/08/2020 19:29

I have an autistic child and because they are without any sense of danger and have severe learning disabilities I have to place them in a trolley to shop to keep him safe.

My child is 5 and just about fits into the seat but hes heavy and he kicks and struggles,pulls my hair,lashes out(is fine once in) and basically needs two people to get him in one to guide him and one to hold him.normally I shop with my partner who guides sons legs into the trolley, this is the part which causes him distress if not done quickly,but today I was alone and desperate for essentials so I had to try myself.i couldn't get him in,he was crying stimming pulling my hair and i asked a lady walking by if she could help me,she said no I'd rather not!! I couldn't believe it,have we got to this stage in humanity that no one actually gives a toss,that all feelings of empathy have disappeared?she saw me struggling,my son crying me crying but shrugged her shoulders.
I gave up and came home without milk.
I'm crying now writing this.its tough enough being a parent of a child like mine,but today it was emphasised to me just how tough.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 14/08/2020 20:26

I'm really sorry but I wouldn't be willing to help manhandle a struggling child of that age and size into a trolley seat. I'd worry about hurting him or getting hurt myself. Sorry.

MrsxRocky · 14/08/2020 20:27

I wouldn't have helped either. Can you imagine if I accidently hurt child or they scrammed my face/eyes?
I know it's awful and I feel for you but I wouldn't risk being booted about or accused of being to forceful.

Ginfordinner · 14/08/2020 20:29

normally I shop with my partner who guides sons legs into the trolley,

Next time can you not leave your son with your partner and shop on your own, or order online instead?

I would have helped you BTW. I have learned a lot about children with autism/extra needs from these threads and have leanred to become less judgemental about children who appear to be difficult to control.

Pumpertrumper · 14/08/2020 20:30

I have my own DS and under usual circumstances I would help without a second thought... but right now no I wouldn’t help.

I think she probably looked disgusted at your asking because the government guidance is still very clear that people should be social distancing.
Obviously children are exempt from wearing masks (rightly so) but that does mean they pose a bigger threat to people for catching it. I think what you were asking of her was actually VU and In that situation it was you BU not the lady who didn’t help.

I understand how frustrating it must be. I gave birth at the start of lockdown and have really struggled to go out anywhere or do anything, even for essentials...but I accept that right now those are my limitations and I can’t ask for/ expect help from strangers.

popcornlover · 14/08/2020 20:30

Humans are arseholes, that’s life.

I’d take it as a compliment no-one helped you. It’s the weak and feeble women people always offer to help.

Don’t cry about it, move on.

Gomezzz · 14/08/2020 20:31

I understand why you are feeling upset, but a compassionate YABU. I would feel worried about hurting the child, and would possibly decline too.

Rosieposy4 · 14/08/2020 20:32

I would help with nearly anything, but physically forcing a strange distressed child into a trolley, no. It hits all the wrong safeguarding points.
Can you lift him into the trolley itself instead? Or get a maxi buggy?

BillywilliamV · 14/08/2020 20:32

Yeah Covid19...perfect excuse to act like a selfish shit!

1Morewineplease · 14/08/2020 20:34

Just to add, can you imagine being autistic and being manhandled into a trolley by a stranger, let alone by your mum?

SengaStrawberry · 14/08/2020 20:34

It sounds really hard OP, my son is autistic as well so I know how hard it can be x I agree with most of the others though, you don’t know her circumstances, she might just be out of shielding or anything and not even been that close to her own family for months let alone a stranger x hope tomorrow is better xx

jellybeanz1212 · 14/08/2020 20:34

Covid would have not gone through my mind. However, if I had hurt your child by accident I'd have been worried about your actions. You too are a stranger. It's difficult

coastergirl · 14/08/2020 20:35

I'd have helped you. But I've been in this situation as a mum and I also work with children with autism and SLD. If I was going to refuse for some reason, I'd be very apologetic and explain why, and also try and find someone to help you. That might be because of my experience though. Not everyone has people who can help. I'm a single mum with no local family. It's tough.

Roughly where are you based, if you don't mind me asking? You could do with a little network of people able to help if needed.

coconutwhip · 14/08/2020 20:35

Sorry OP I think YABU. Especially with social distancing I wouldn't be going near you or your child both out of worry for you with where I've been and me for where you've been. Also if your child is kicking, hitting etc then I'd be apprehensive to help as I would be worried id hurt him or he'd hurt me

RedPanda2 · 14/08/2020 20:36

You're allowed to ask people, people are allowed to say no without explaining why. I'm not touching or manhandling a stranger's child that might kick me pandemic or not.

WhereTheCrawdadsSing · 14/08/2020 20:37

This sounds really tough for you op.

But, I probably wouldn't have helped either if I'm imagining the situation correctly.

If he looked really distressed, kicking, screaming etc and someone asked me to help their child into the trolley seat, which is maybe too small for him and he didn't appear to want to go in, to the point he was kicking and screaming, no, I wouldn't have helped. Obviously, you know your son and know he will be fine after you get him in, but to her it probably would have felt as if she was adding to his distress and maybe risking getting kicked, which she may rather not happen, understandably.

The covid issue also sounds very likely. Many people don't want to touch anyone at the moment, understandably.

Is there anyone else who can support you when your DP isn't there?

Gemma2019 · 14/08/2020 20:38

You'd have been better asking for someone to help you get the milk instead. No way would I help manhandle a screaming child into a trolley. She could have been pregnant, had a bad back or anything else.

Also, you say you normally go with your partner and he helps with your child - maybe you shouldn't take your son to the supermarket as he finds it so awful?

Just to say I have a severely disabled child who hates shops, so I keep several bottles of long life milk in the cupboard, and if I run out of anything else I just do without it.

isithotinhereorisitjustme · 14/08/2020 20:39

I'm sorry you had a tough time, but maybe your child has reached a stage where they are too big for a standard trolley? Not sure which supermarket you were using, but most of our local ones now have a couple of trolleys specially for children with SEN, with bigger seats and straps that go over the shoulders. My 10 year old loves these and they keep him safe and happy while we shop (they are a bit of a pain to steer, but absolutely worth it for the more peaceful shopping experience)

Millie2013 · 14/08/2020 20:39

OP, I’d have helped in a heartbeat, but I also fully understand why some would decline your request for help
I’m not sure what the answer is, it sounds incredibly tough for you Flowers

Butchyrestingface · 14/08/2020 20:39

If you had asked me to hold the trolley steady, or fetch something from an aisle, I would have done that without hesitation. Probably a lot of people would.

But asking a complete stranger to help you with your son's legs whilst you're trying to force him into a trolley seat would be a bridge too far for me, COVID-19 or no COVID-19.

ClashCityRocker · 14/08/2020 20:40

That does sound really tough op.

Fwiw I don't have kids and have no experience with handling a child in the distressed state your child sounds like he was in - I wouldn't have felt comfortable doing it and would worry that I'd hurt him or cause him to panic more.

I'd probably be a bit flustered at being asked too and wouldn't think to explain that...but I would have nipped in to get some milk if I'd have thought of it at the time.

SodomyNonSapiens · 14/08/2020 20:40

I would have helped. I'd like to think I would have offered before I was asked but not 100% sure.

I can understand people not wanting to help though. Some people have little experience of challenges like this and would be scared to help.

There are various other reasons too. I'm not sure what the answer is though

Flynn999 · 14/08/2020 20:41

Apologies if this is something already mentioned but assuming it’s your local supermarket you do your ‘big shop’ at maybe write to the manager and ask if they can get a trolley suited to autistic kids/adults. They do different types and I know my local Tesco have a few. If your using the normal toddler trolleys I would assume he’s going to be too big for it shortly.

Link to an online paper regarding Asda doing similar

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/parenting/autism-shopping-trolley-asda-autistic-16267135.amp

ThatsNotMyNameItsTooFluffy · 14/08/2020 20:42

I would have helped you without being asked. Been there, got the tee. Wine Cake Brew
If Tesco, get him a sunflower lanyard, gesture to it at the security guards - they always help me, corona or not.
In fact, supermarket staff have been top notch the last 5 months with packing, getting stuff to the car, all sorts. Flowers

Emeraldshamrock · 14/08/2020 20:42

I'd help if I was asked though I'd probably be nervous as there is a pandemic.
I saw a young mum struggling with shopping plus child on a toddler bike in the past I'd offer to help not during a pandemic.

rosiejaune · 14/08/2020 20:43

YABU - if he only just fits, you are going to need an alternative anyway, and one that works with only one person present.

It's unreasonable to expect a stranger to be comfortable with forcibly handling someone else's violent child.

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