You should help if a person is struggling?

[Motherhood01]

I have an autistic child and because they are without any sense of danger and have severe learning disabilities I have to place them in a trolley to shop to keep him safe.



My child is 5 and just about fits into the seat but hes heavy and he kicks and struggles,pulls my hair,lashes out(is fine once in) and basically needs two people to get him in one to guide him and one to hold him.normally I shop with my partner who guides sons legs into the trolley, this is the part which causes him distress if not done quickly,but today I was alone and desperate for essentials so I had to try myself.i couldn't get him in,he was crying stimming pulling my hair and i asked a lady walking by if she could help me,she said no I'd rather not!! I couldn't believe it,have we got to this stage in humanity that no one actually gives a toss,that all feelings of empathy have disappeared?she saw me struggling,my son crying me crying but shrugged her shoulders.
I gave up and came home without milk.
I'm crying now writing this.its tough enough being a parent of a child like mine,but today it was emphasised to me just how tough.

[NailsNeedDoing]

I’m sorry you didn’t come across someone that would have been ok helping you at the time that you needed it, but you are expecting too much from a stranger. It’s normal for you to have to physically struggle with a child, but it’s not at all normal for most people, even most parents. It wasn’t someone being unkind, it’s just that you needed something that was too far out of most people’s comfort zones.

[mrsBtheparker]

Sorry but we are at the stage now that one would think twice about touching another parent's child and I'm afraid it is the fault of modern parents. On a flight a parent was having difficulties with her toddler, my late husband engaged him by wiggling his, OH's, eyebrows and the child was delighted. Suffice it to say the mother wasn't and she let everyone round about know, much to our embarrassment.

[NameChange84]

I’m so sorry you are having a hard time with your child and a specially difficult day but you are being exceptionally unreasonable.

I wouldn’t touch a strangers child in the best of circumstances, let alone Covid times. I’m in the Shielding category and you wouldn’t know it to look at me.

The vast majority of people would feel uncomfortable when placed in this situation. If they offer to help, great. But it shouldn’t be expected.

How do you know the woman didn’t have HFA herself? Or social anxiety? Maybe she was having a shit day too? Maybe you were putting her in a position where she’d feel unable to visit vulnerable family if she manhandled a child into a car during Covid?

I’d be genuinely uncomfortable if someone asked me to do this and I wouldn’t want to wrestle a stranger’s child into a car. What if I accidentally injured them? Or they injured me?

It does NOT make someone cruel. That’s quite the leap to make about someone and cruel in itself.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Your son was already distressed and lashing out. How would he have felt about a stranger getting in his space and wrestling his legs into a trolley?

Surely if you have a partner one of you shops and one keeps DS at home. Having to manhandle and restrain him because you need milk sounds horrendous. Keep a UHT, freeze fresh milk.

[Nottherealslimshady]

That's a really difficult situation for a stranger to get involved in.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

All the autistic children I know (and I worked in a school) would have become very distressed at a stranger trying to manhandle them. Close contact with someone they don't know, touching them when they have no right to say 'no' must be upsetting at the best of times.

When already distressed it would be even worse. And it takes skill to slide a child into a trolley seat, let alone an overlarge one who is already kicking and fighting - it's not really a job for someone who may not have any knowledge or experience with children.

I'm sorry you've had a rough day, OP. But what you should have done was to approach a member of staff. They can do your shopping for you, or help you in other ways and, if worst comes to the worst, are covered by the shop's insurance if they get injured by your child.

Of course, the lady may have worried that it was some kind of scam too, whereby if she helped you, you would start yelling that she'd injured your child and you were going to sue.

Next time, just ask a shop worker.

[User563420011]

Sorry, OP. I would have said no (nicely) too. I wouldn't have been rude about it, but I wouldn't want to "guide" a Childs legs into a trolley- NOT saying you would, but there's always the possibility of being accused of being rough or something by the parent.

[Redhair23]

I would have helped you op and you asking wouldn’t have made me feel uncomfortable.
Sorry you had a shit day

[Elbels]

This sounds like a really tricky situation for you but Covid or not there's no way I'd help try and restrain a child into a trolley, I wouldn't know what to do and I'd worry that I'd hurt him more than him hurting me.

[ZigZagPlant]

Sorry OP, but I think YABU to ask a stranger to put themselves in harms way so you could get some milk.

I have a DSS who has severe SEN and I would never ask someone to put themselves in the way of physical harm.

[IsaLain]

I'd have said no too. I was driving up the road and saw a man in a mobility scooter tumble over when it hit a hole in the pavement. I got him up and he had clearly messed up his wrist so called for an ambulance and left him with my details when they were taking him away, just incase he needed anything if he decided to contact the council about the hole. I then received a letter from his solicitor accusing me of breaking his wrist when I helped him up. I didnt touch his wrist, I held him under his shoulders. Nothing happened in the end but I absolutely wouldn't help you force your child into a trolley. Sorry.

[IWantT0BreakFree]

So if I'm understanding, you asked her for help, she said "I'd rather not", you asked her again (saying that you just needed "help with his legs for a minute") and then she gave you a funny look and walked off?

Apologies if I've got it wrong. Trying to piece it together from your posts. If I'm correct then I think she was probably pissed off that you tried to put pressure on her after she already said no. At the end of the day she didn't owe you an explanation for her refusal. That's her decision, and (especially in the current climate) she could have dozens of valid reasons for declining to assist.

[MrsSpookyM]

Can you not order your shopping online OP, there's been lots of delivery/click and collect slots for a couple of months now, after the initial Covid madness.

Or just you or partner shop and one of you stay home with DS? It doesn't seem worth you both going if one of you could stay home with him.

From a health and safety perspective it really doesn't sound ideal to be squeezing him into a trolley seat meant for small toddlers, or asking strangers to help that could accidentally injure him or be injured themselves.

I don't think anyone is being intentionally cruel. They're probably considering both his and their own physical safety.

[cultkid]

I always help
Even if it offends people if I offer the help I fucking offer it because one day there is someone in your shoes
I am so so sorry you experienced this today xx

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

I am sorry, but I wouldn't help either. I have no experience in handling children let alone with autism and obviously distraught and hurting you. I would probably hold your bag or smth, but no. I wouldn't go near to the child. I would worry about getting hurt and most importantly hurting him.

It's not cruel.

[pictish]

I would have helped you OP but I work with autistic children with complex needs and would likely have assessed the scenario correctly owing to my experience. I’m not sure many passers by would have understood your need or your son’s distress.
I’m sorry you couldn’t get your milk. Most of us take going for milk for granted but for you it’s no mean feat. I sympathise enormously.

[ParisOnWheels]

OP in the longer term you could maybe think of some strategies. Small, quiet corner shops are often happy for you to go to the till and ask “please could you grab me some milk and bread.” In noncovid times Supermarkets will get a staff member to push a trolley (not sure about now).

It also sounds like getting something like a major buggy would be really useful. You need to think long term both about his safety and also you not getting injured. Both of my parents have joint problems which were probably exacerbated by carrying/lifting me so much when I was a child (I use a wheelchair)

[Beagled]

I think you’ve asked an awful lot of a stranger tbh. It’s not like you’ve asked her to move a trolley or pass something, you’ve asked her to help you manhandle a child into a trolley, I’d be concerned about a) getting hurt and b) accidentally hurting the child. Sorry OP. I’d help in other ways, but not that.

[strawberrymilkshakemonkey]

so, you're annoyed because a stranger (whose circumstances you know nothing about) didn't want to handle a volatile, unpredictable child, who could've hurt her or caused her distress?

[stayathomer]

I'm so sorry OP. I think with covid things are so difficult. I saw a girl walking her bike along and I went over at a distance and asked if she needed help and she looked terrified of me even though I walked at a giant distance from her to show her I wasn't going over. She hurried on and a few days later cycled by and nearly fell off waving. If you cant physically go near people everything's so hard

[CourtneyLurve]

I once encountered a woman with a pram standing at the top of a very tall set of stairs in a tube station. She was holding her son in her arms. She caught my eye as I walked past and yelled at me: "Ain't you gonna help??"

Okay... I started to carry her enormous pram - which was either loaded with groceries or rocks at the bottom - down the longest set of stairs I've ever seen in my life. I quickly realised it was too much for me, but it was too late. I'd already started and there was nowhere to rest it. The whole way down was excruciating. I was dripping sweat, huffing and puffing, my hands were shaking trying to balance it. Able-bodied men twice my size hustled by, not offering to help. I pulled a muscle halfway down. Something went numb. It was awful.

At the bottom I placed it down as gently I could, then turned to smile at her, waiting for the requisite "Thank you!". Instead, she scowled and said "Took you long enough" and walked off.

Now, OP, that has nothing to do with you, but that's why I would say no if asked.

[ErinBrockovich]

Oh OP, I’m sorry they wouldn’t help you and I’m sorry that life is so tough for you.
I can only imagine it was Covid fear. I am scared of getting CV but would have helped if you’d asked. There are still kind people out there, you just didn’t find one today.

[Areyouquitesure]

I wouldn't have helped now or in normal times - it would be very uncomfortable for me to wrestle a child too big for the trolley and take your word for it that it's ok

Online shopping or leave your kid at home

[katy1213]

It's tough, but pandemic aside, most people would steer clear of a kicking, hair-pulling child. Surely you could make life easier for yourself and get deliveries?