You should help if a person is struggling?

[Motherhood01]

I have an autistic child and because they are without any sense of danger and have severe learning disabilities I have to place them in a trolley to shop to keep him safe.



My child is 5 and just about fits into the seat but hes heavy and he kicks and struggles,pulls my hair,lashes out(is fine once in) and basically needs two people to get him in one to guide him and one to hold him.normally I shop with my partner who guides sons legs into the trolley, this is the part which causes him distress if not done quickly,but today I was alone and desperate for essentials so I had to try myself.i couldn't get him in,he was crying stimming pulling my hair and i asked a lady walking by if she could help me,she said no I'd rather not!! I couldn't believe it,have we got to this stage in humanity that no one actually gives a toss,that all feelings of empathy have disappeared?she saw me struggling,my son crying me crying but shrugged her shoulders.
I gave up and came home without milk.
I'm crying now writing this.its tough enough being a parent of a child like mine,but today it was emphasised to me just how tough.

[Purpleice]

I would have helped, but maybe get a milkman delivery?

[Shybutnotretiring]

Do you have a car? My children have ASD and were very tricky in supermarkets when they were younger. I used to spend a fortune at those M&S/BP garage type places where you can nip in without taking them out of the car!

[multiplemum3]

I'm sorry op I would have grabbed you whatever you needed but there's no chance I'd manhandle a child I didn't know.

[Beach11]

Even pre Covid, I wouldn’t have help due to fear of getting injured or making a previous worse. I wouldn’t have explained why as nothing to do with you.

[StatementKnickers]

This sounds really hard but what are you going to do in a year or two when your son's too big/heavy to be wedged into a trolley? If you have someone who usually goes shopping with you wouldn't it be better for one of you to shop alone while the other stays at home with DS? I wouldn't help someone wedge a large kicky 5yo into a supermarket trolley either, it's completely unsafe for me and for the child (trolleys can tip).

[oakleaffy]

I'd be very wary of helping wrangle a heavy ''resisting'' child too...
BUT would have asked if I could have got you something from the shop instead.

I once helped a Disabled man {total stranger} get into a car {he asked} and he damaged my back, He gripped and would not let go, while being incredibly strong for size.

It is difficult, I understand

[AcrossthePond55]

Help force a distraught, struggling/stimming, possibly kicking out child's legs through the leg holes of a trolley? No, I'm sorry.

Hold a parcel, grab something from a shelf, even hold the trolley still for you, yes. But put my hands on the child myself, no.

There are limits to what one feels safe to do to help another and each person is entitled to set their own limits.

[OneMoreLight]

I wouldn't help either even before covid, I'd be worried about hurting him accidentally.

[TheSoapyFrog]

I have a son around the same age who sounds just like yours. It would have been desperation coupled with a quiet hope that it would be ok if I took him out to a shop.
If you'd have asked me, or my partner, we'd have gladly helped. I'm used to getting whacked by the flailing limbs of my boy when trying to get him to do something he isn't thrilled about.
However, I do understand why someone would refuse to help at the moment so I'd try not to think too badly of the woman. But I suspect, as unreasonable as others think I may be, I'd probably feel the same.
I don't know what supermarket you were in, but Tesco should have a special trolley for SEN kids to sit in when they're too big for regular trollies. We used one once and it was a lifesaver.

[MoreListeningLessChatting]

@Motherhood01

I really feel for you. It is awful that some people just don't bother at all.

I was struggling with my LD ASC adult daughter a few years ago and asked several passers by if they could help since near a road. I only wanted someone to open my car door because I had to hold her tight. I could offer ID and explain after. I received a similar response, many stares and some 'tutting' - now bearing in mind she is an adult and obvious learning disabled the reactions were appalling - almost as if she shouldn't be out and about.

Some people are vile.

[BogRollBOGOF]

I'd like to think I would help. DS gave me enough difficult moments in the supermarket long before his diagnosis. And I remain ever grateful to the older couple who when I was 38 weeks pregnant and on crutches and couldn't bend down to him, let alone do anything about my thrashing 2 year old on the floor (we'd gone to the cafe purely to get out the house, and then he had a meltdown because I couldn't face heaving my body to the toy aisle). They offered to pick him up and put him on a ride-on until he calmed down enough so we could walk back to the car.

A 5 year old is more intimidating than a 2 year old.
Many people are clueless about SNs and wouldn't realise that there is a development issue involved.
Then Covid...


You need to come up with an alternative strategy that works for you as meltdowns and resistant behaviour only get harder as they get bigger.

My Morrisons has a special trolley for older children kept in-store, like the ones already described.
Online shopping is something else to consider (doesn't work for us due to intolerances necessitating splitting the shop across different supermarkets and struggling with minimum spends and some not doing delivery)
Asking if someone can pick up emergency items for you (did this for a friend caught in a cycle of needing baby formula to get baby calmed down and everyone dressed in order to make it to the shop to buy formula)
Using smaller shops that are more managable and have less sensory stimulation.

[fluffi]

YABU. Its not lack of empathy or nothing to do with empathy or not wanting to help people, but risk of injury or getting accused of doing something wrong and also not offer an explaination (not that anyone needs to explain).

In non-covid circumastances I'll happily help people by getting things off the top shelves or watching their shopping etc. However this is no way I'd risk getting accused of injuring / manhandling a strangers distressed child unless the child was clearly in danger or seriously injured (or parent was seriously injured, e.g unable to get up off floor and I needed to prevent their toddler running away). A child not wanting to get in shopping trolley isn't in danger. However I'm also not going to say "Sorry I don't want to get accused of injuring your child - I'd just say "Sorry I can't" and hurry away.

[fwwaftp]

It must be really difficult for you but I'm afraid yabu.
We are supposed to be maintaining social distancing because of corona so people should not be going up and handling a child like that because of the risk of infection.
And secondly, I think another concern would be either injuring the child while trying to get his legs in. And then of course there's the risk to myself too - I'm sorry but I don't want to be kicked by someone else's child.

I probably would have asked if I could help you in some other way but I would not have attempted to handle the child.

[roundtwotooto]

Sorry but YABU. It sounds so shitty for you but not many people would willingly help someone manhandle a ‘tantruming’ child. I know he wasn’t tantruming but that’s what she’d have seen. I honestly can’t even imagine being asked.

[Shodan]

I would've helped.

Kicking children don't faze me- I teach karate and am used to being kicked and hit.

If I was that afraid of Covid I would've put on the mask I always carry, but I still would've helped.

[redcarbluecar]

I’d like to say I’d have helped but in reality I think I’d be reluctant to physically handle a stranger’s child in the way you describe. Not cos of Covid really; I’d just be a bit fearful of doing something wrong.

[IceCreamSummer20]

I’m sorry I put YABU as I have a similar child, however it is best that strangers keep completely away from a distressed child. Best is to ignore. It would not help the child to have an unknown try to deal with someone - especially as most kids need very careful handling to get them to calm down. It can trigger a worse reaction to pile in even if we’ll meant.

Also, to be honest if you need to put them in a trolley to keep them safe, I would look at other ways of shopping. Do online. Use a child buggy or special needs buggy and only get small amounts to top up. And see if you can get psychologist help to figure out practical steps to get certain priorities in daily living easier and less meltdowns. The child may be having sensory problems, or it’s just too much. My child has to go around a shop a certain way, so I built his tolerance by going into a shop for 5 minutes maximum and making it very relaxed and not even buying anything. I did this and only this for weeks and now he can fully tolerate shops because I built it gradually.

[Justgivemewine]

Sorry this happened. I would’ve helped but then I have a son with asd too so understand the difficulties. Sadly it’s one of those situations where (most) people don’t/won’t help because they just don’t ‘get it’ unless they’ve lived it

[ZooKeeper19]

@Motherhood01 virus or not, if another parent asked for my help I would not hesitate. I may ask for how specifically I can help, but I would deffo help.

Sorry for the reaction, hope you feel better.

[frustrationcentral]

Aww that's tough, I'd always help.

My DS hasn't got autism but had an almighty tantrum at a theme park aged 3. We'd been queuing for ages, got to the front of the queue and he was not happy so I had to carry him kicking and screaming back through the queue. By the end I was crying, he was crying ( I'd really struggled to stop him kicking people as we walked past).
A lovely couple stopped, the lady spoke to me and the chap bent down and calmed DS down. I've never forgotten them, 13 years on: I was so grateful that they just gave me someone to talk to. I didn't feel judged, they didn't care what DS was doing, they could just see how upset I was

[LightDrizzle]

You have my sympathy OP but I am yet another YABU voter.
DD2 is severely disabled, but I don't know your child and there is no way I would lay hands on a strange child in distress and try to force them to do something they were objecting to.
I've felt extremely anxious as a 4ft11" woman reassuring a distraught little girl bawling in a supermarket who'd got detached from a parent. I felt compelled to ham up the "Are you lost! Don't worry! We'll find a member of staff!" - commentary whilst frantically looking around for one, in case a panicking mum or dad charged towards me thinking I was abducting their daughter.
Yours wasn't a reasonable request and they hadn't chance to disguise their alarm/shock/horror. I appreciate you must have been incredibly stressed.

[Justaboy]

I'd have helped you a lady in distress, it's what gents are for!..

[MadameMeursault]

I’m sorry for your situation OP, but YWBU even to ask and to put her in that position. It would be totally against social distancing and it’s really unreasonable of you to judge her like this.

[lovelychops]

I'm sorry you had a shitty day.
I have a 7 year old who is autistic and sounds similar to your son... i know some days other peoples judgemental looks and lack of compassion can hurt. But tomorrow is a new day. Screw the unhelpful woman and good on you for asking for help. Please don't let it put you off asking for help again, and getting out into the community. It's bloody hard at times but I bet you're doing a much better job than you give yourself credit for. Sending love

[Thelnebriati]

Passers by can also have invisible disabilities. I think a few posters have forgotten that.