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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM refuses to accept I have a serious food allergy

168 replies

adulthumanwoman · 14/08/2020 18:03

I have just spent 4 days in Whitby with DM and my DC, causing this issue to raise it's head again.
I have a serious seafood allergy - allergic to all shellfish and molluscs and intolerant of finned fish. I have not had any incident for 15 years and am careful. DM will not accept I have this allergy. The last time I had an allergic response was due to her contaminating my food on a similar self catering break 15yo.
This time my DC are older. Their response to DM's behaviour has made me think. DS got in an argument with her last night when she AGAIN said "It'd nice to all have fish and chips but you don't like it do you" and rolled her eyes. DS said "Gma, Mum is ALLERGIC to fish and she could die - she isn's fussy" (I eat pretty much anything else and am v laid back in most areas of life). She said 'What difference is it, she won't eat it in any case" eyeroll.
I have always treated it as one of her many quirks, but now actually feel incredibly hurt. Why doesn't she care? She ate fish or seafood EVERY meal except breakfast when we were away, I presume because we were at the Seaside and it is incredibly delicious - I have no problem whatsoever with anyone else eating fish and DS loves it.

DS had a milk allergy when he was born but I micro-dosed him under care of a Dietician and helped him overcome it - he is now only very mildly intolerant. She knows this and has never accused DS of being 'fussy' - why me?
AIBU to feel so hurt at her insistence to DC (and everyone else but I don't really care what they think) that I am 'fussy'?
Sorry for the rant, I suppose I really just don't understand why I am so upset today, she's always been like this :(

OP posts:
Feralkidsatthecampsite · 14/08/2020 18:06

You should have battered her with a cod..
Grin

Feedingthebirds1 · 14/08/2020 18:12

YANBU to be hurt. She doesn't believe you, or your DS (good for him, by the way, for saying something).

So it feels like she's saying she doesn't care if you die as long as she gets her fish and chips. That isn't actually what she's saying because she doesn't believe you'd die, but because you know you could that's how it seems.

There has to be more to this than fish. What's she like generally? Does she always want things her own way and ignores everyone else? Because I suspect your hurt is not solely (no pun intended) about this incident.

Original poster
adulthumanwoman · 14/08/2020 18:20

@Feedingthebirds1 She is a woman who does as she pleases and that is that - which is fine. I can take or leave it most of the time. It was challenging due to the self catering element and her doing things like ordering fish and chips and refusing to get separate chips for me because "she can't manage a whole portion". Last holiday she picked shrimps out of a dish she served me and I was incredibly unwell - all witnessed by her. It was so traumatic - she can't have 'forgotten'.
She also won't get out of bed until 10 or dressed until 11 which caused some tension with DC Grin
@Feralkidsatthecampsite that is one solution, bray her with a lobster. Whilst wearing a protective suit, of course.

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 14/08/2020 18:29

Does she always go on holiday with you? It sounds very wearing OP.

Redstorm2807 · 14/08/2020 18:37

I feel your pain. I've recently been diagnosed celiac and while I won't die if I eat gluten I am very unwell. My in laws despite being told clearly that it is an autoimmune condition still treat it as a fussy fad. I've been asked if I'm 'still doing that gluten free thing?' and they seemed surprised when I replied, yes, for the rest of my life?!? It is so frustrating. I try and take my own food and desserts so it's not a pain for other people but my MIL will do things like tell me there's dessert i can eat then make a non GF dessert and offer me bread and butter.
It sounds like there's unlikely to be a way to change her. Limit time with her around food if at all possible.

kazzer2867 · 14/08/2020 18:37

This would really annoy me. My DS has allergies to all nuts, diary and certain types of wood. Carries an epi-pen and has been rushed to hospital twice when he couldn't breath. It's no joke and not nice to witness. I don't understand why some people don't take allergies seriously. Good for you DS standing up for you, but why are you continuing to go on holiday with her ???

ErinBrockovich · 14/08/2020 18:42

YANBU OP.
There are plenty of children’s books out there designed to explain allergies to people with limited understanding. Perhaps buy her one for her next birthday :)

ThickFast · 14/08/2020 18:43

Maybe you’re upset because one of your kids pointed it out as well. Which highlights how dreadful her behaviour is

Zhampagne · 14/08/2020 18:44

YANBU. Don’t go on holiday with her.

Original poster
adulthumanwoman · 14/08/2020 18:44

@Knittedfairies very rarely. I normally have quite adventurous holidays with dc as we are keen snorkellers/divers but as we were at home this year and she's 'always wanted to go to Whitby' I booked it.
There are plenty of instances not on holiday thou - always fish based meals at her house for example

OP posts:
Dylaninthemovies1 · 14/08/2020 18:45

Oh I feel it for you. I have an egg allergy. As a child numerous relatives insisted I was just being fussy. Even while I was puking all over the place!

Original poster
adulthumanwoman · 14/08/2020 18:45

@ThickFast yes, you've nailed it

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/08/2020 18:47

That would be last holiday we had together.

And if she carries on with this allergy refusal at other meals, I'd stop dining with her too.

Original poster
adulthumanwoman · 14/08/2020 18:49

@Redstorm2807
It's difficult isn't it? Yesterday she had a tuna sandwich for lunch, a pot of wells, fish and chips for dinner and I was offered a portion of each and told you don't know what you're missing out on'
Ffs!

OP posts:
diddl · 14/08/2020 18:50

That sounds incredibly draining.

"What difference is it she still won't eat it?"

Well no & with very good reason!

Why is she so desperate for everyone to eat fish & chips??!!

And tbh if you had made a conscious decision not to eat fish-so fucking what?

Original poster
adulthumanwoman · 14/08/2020 18:50

@Dylaninthemovies1 I remember a particularly dangerous incident in my childhood when I was horribly sick - really ill for a whole night and it was referred to as a 'temper tantrum' Sad

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 14/08/2020 18:52

Refuse to eat with her. She's had every opportunity to take on board your condition and chooses not to.

Clymene · 14/08/2020 18:53

She always makes fish based meals at her house? What happens when you eat fish? Do you puke and puke for hours and hours (which is what happens to me?)

Maybe eat some fish and then follow her round with a sick bucket.

She sounds really unkind and I wouldn't ever go on holiday with her or eat a meal in her house again. If she asks why, tell her

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2020 18:53

I really don't understand why you are spending a minute of your time with her, mother or not. She is just plain cruel. Had she always been a narcissist or has it gotten worse since you've grown up?

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 14/08/2020 18:56

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

That would be last holiday we had together.

And if she carries on with this allergy refusal at other meals, I'd stop dining with her too.

I agree.
2bazookas · 14/08/2020 18:58

Next time she wants a shared holidsy, just say no, and why.

High time she learns consequences are real.

You; eat fish= you are very ill
Her ; behave like arse= she holidays alone.

Original poster
adulthumanwoman · 14/08/2020 18:58

@diddl well yes, exactly. She was fixated on fish and chips tbh 😂

I have a ludicrous amount of siblings and this is how she justifies her behaviour. She gave us all life, she breast fed us all, and we didn't go to school till we asked to go - which means she's a brilliant parent and we should bring her a cup of tea and stop mithering.

OP posts:
Original poster
adulthumanwoman · 14/08/2020 19:00

@Clymene finned fish is 12-48hrs vomiting. Shellfish is hives and I've had the onset of but never full anaphylactic reaction

OP posts:
ThickFast · 14/08/2020 19:01

we should bring her a cup of tea and stop mithering. This is a very funny description. I can really picture her now. I wouldn’t go on holiday again.

Original poster
adulthumanwoman · 14/08/2020 19:02

I understand what you're saying re not go away again.
She is also very funny, sweet natured, plays games for hours, makes lovely things, and is the only grandparent dc have. They love her very much and I was surprised by their defence of me

OP posts: