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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DM refuses to accept I have a serious food allergy

168 replies

adulthumanwoman · 14/08/2020 18:03

I have just spent 4 days in Whitby with DM and my DC, causing this issue to raise it's head again.
I have a serious seafood allergy - allergic to all shellfish and molluscs and intolerant of finned fish. I have not had any incident for 15 years and am careful. DM will not accept I have this allergy. The last time I had an allergic response was due to her contaminating my food on a similar self catering break 15yo.
This time my DC are older. Their response to DM's behaviour has made me think. DS got in an argument with her last night when she AGAIN said "It'd nice to all have fish and chips but you don't like it do you" and rolled her eyes. DS said "Gma, Mum is ALLERGIC to fish and she could die - she isn's fussy" (I eat pretty much anything else and am v laid back in most areas of life). She said 'What difference is it, she won't eat it in any case" eyeroll.
I have always treated it as one of her many quirks, but now actually feel incredibly hurt. Why doesn't she care? She ate fish or seafood EVERY meal except breakfast when we were away, I presume because we were at the Seaside and it is incredibly delicious - I have no problem whatsoever with anyone else eating fish and DS loves it.

DS had a milk allergy when he was born but I micro-dosed him under care of a Dietician and helped him overcome it - he is now only very mildly intolerant. She knows this and has never accused DS of being 'fussy' - why me?
AIBU to feel so hurt at her insistence to DC (and everyone else but I don't really care what they think) that I am 'fussy'?
Sorry for the rant, I suppose I really just don't understand why I am so upset today, she's always been like this :(

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/08/2020 19:03

She sounds bloody awful, doing this goes against a mothers natural instinct to protect?.

I’d make it the last holiday with her & I wouldn’t eat anything she’s been near.

I have a milk allergy and I’ve been given milk chocolate 🤨.

Cantaloupeisland · 14/08/2020 19:03

Why are you even spending time with her? This goes beyond not understanding an allergy into actual dislike and cruelty. The eating fish for every meal is just weird and passive aggressive. It comes across like she really doesn't like you. I'd give it one last try to explain it to her (and ask her why she clearly hates you whilst you're at it) and if she still persists I'd be going nc personally.
I've treated people in anaphylactic shock, it's horrible. She's a dick.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 14/08/2020 19:04

Urgh. Tomato allergy here. I get it. I'm frequently brushed off as a 'picky eater'.

I think you should eat a massive prawn and then puke into her handbag. Tell her it's so she can carry around a reminder of how unwell fish makes you so she won't make stupid comments.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2020 19:04

Just send the children to visit with her then before she kills you with a lobster bisque.

Original poster

adulthumanwoman · 14/08/2020 19:04

She had a quite surreally bad start in life but still sees her mother. It's an odd situation. She is an exceptional mother by the standards she grew up with.
She's disinterested in others opinions, thinks very highly of herself, is very well read and quick witted.
She's an odd one

OP posts:

buenavistabelle · 14/08/2020 19:05

I think you need to sit down with her and have a very frank conversation. Ask her why she doesn't believe that this is real? And then just wait to see what she says.
A lot of people of this generation seem to have this "there was none of this in my day" mentality. I would be interested if anyone has any insight as to why - have a similar problem with my parents.

AldiAisleofCrap · 14/08/2020 19:05

I read the first few posts as MIL, if she is your mum surely she must know you are allergic. What happened when she gave you fish as a young child other than vomiting ?

Original poster

adulthumanwoman · 14/08/2020 19:05

We normally eat at my house, or restaurant, it's highly unusual for her to cook. Even when we were little she 'fixed things' or my dad cooked. My dad, the keen fisherman! Ffs what a family

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2020 19:06

She's disinterested in others opinions, thinks very highly of herself, is very well read and quick witted. She's an odd one

Like I said, she's a narcissist. She will never allow herself to acknowledge she's wrong and that her behaviour is unacceptable and harmful. In her mind, you are the problem and always will be.

YorkshireTeaIsTheBest · 14/08/2020 19:07

I have unknown life threatening allergic reactions and carry epipens everywhere. Car, handbag etc -if I go for a dog walk it comes with me as does my phone. I don't have long when it hits. I didn't have one for 15 years and everything was controlled -shampoo etc and then it all just started up again. My family think it's a bit of a joke too and they are all doctors. It's not f**ing funny when you can't breathe. Flowers for you.

picklemewalnuts · 14/08/2020 19:09

There's no point talking to her, OP.

You can't change her or her behaviour, you can only control yourself. Decide what you are going to do about this and do it.

Original poster

adulthumanwoman · 14/08/2020 19:10

@AldiAisleofCrap I was horrendously so I often, do often I damaged my cardiac sphincter and was underweight. I had an episode abroad when I was fed fish curry containing prawn when I was about 8, my uncle spent the night in an ice bath with me feeding me 'herbal' tea to hydrate me.
He didn't speak good English but demanded I was given no more fish. He even bought me my own plate and cup. But it was soon forgotten. I did refuse to eat it after that - and got nothing else- except a good bollocking of course.

OP posts:

gingerbiscuits · 14/08/2020 19:10

She sounds bloody horrid!! I'd have snapped long, long ago & had it out with her - good on your son for having your back - shame it wasn't your husband though. What does he say to her?

Original poster

adulthumanwoman · 14/08/2020 19:11

I think she has narc traits, prob as a result of her childhood which was very abusive and poor

OP posts:

Greyblueeyes · 14/08/2020 19:11

How ridiculous of her. I'm sorry she treats your so poorly.

I developed an allergy to antibiotic ointment in the past few years. I've gone into anaphylactic shock twice because it.

Now my family won't even let me get anywhere near it! I have to put on gloves to put medicine on my nieces and nephew!

I would be incredibly offended if someone close to me brushed daf a severe allergy. Allergies can and do kill people. I would limit meals with her.

Pacif1cDogwood · 14/08/2020 19:12

Ah, she'll not 'believe' in food allergies.
Does she understand the difference between an intolerance and an allergy? I.e. one is dependent on amount, the other an overreaction of the immune system, often to small trace amounts?

I find 'my allergy is not a religion, so you don't have to believe in it' often works.

We holiday with my elderly parents, I love them a lot and this format works well for us all, however it is also draining, so I feel your pain.
I think I'd be very tempted to eye roll back tbh...
Wishing you fortitude

AldiAisleofCrap · 14/08/2020 19:12

@adulthumanwoman that awful she let you get so unwell as a child. Why didn’t your dad do anything , was he not around?

EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 14/08/2020 19:13

Perhaps try her with arsenic, when she nearly dies say, oh, didn't you like that?

mbosnz · 14/08/2020 19:13

I'm sorry, to me that sounds so callous and intentional as to be abusive. That's wickedness. My daughter is coeliac. We found out when she was diagnosed just before she turned five. I mentally lacerated myself over every gluten laden piece of food she'd ever been given. No way in hell would I have forced her to eat it any more - in fact we did everything we could to avoid doing so, or any cross contamination. Let alone taunted her with a chicken mcnugget.

IsAnybodyListening · 14/08/2020 19:14

Completely sympathise.

I have Oral Allergy Syndrome. Had it since a child, but as there wasn't a name, my reactions weren't believed. I realised what it was, and avoided the foods that cause's my mouth, tongue, throat to itch, swell and/or bleed. Doctor confirmed in my early 20's,

My DP and DC's are fab, however my wider family act as though I am 'fussy'. Last reaction I had was eating out a few yrs ago with DM, and a really random and unexpected ingredient in the lasagne. I knew what was happening after 2 mouthfuls and headed to the bathroom to wait for the inevitable. Throat was red and itchy, and bleeding tongue. Coughing fit for good 10 mins. DM didn't even acknowledge what was happening.

julybaby32 · 14/08/2020 19:15

I'm absolutely horrified and disgusted at this. My DH has a severe fish allergy - in his case the risk is going to be "stops breathing and dies". I'm really sorry, but you obviously cannot trust your mother to put your safety above her ego here and I just feel so angry with her for hurting you in this way. How old are your DC? Are they old enough to understand absolutely that they should seek immediate medical help and insist on it in the face of opposition from your mother? Have you any kind of allergy alert bracelet? Also can you make sure that you DC have someone (legally adult) in RL that they can call quickly in event of you becoming seriously unwell with an allergic reaction who can override your mother is she tries to insist that there is nothing wrong or that it's not an allergic reaction? I am concerned that she might lie to make herself look better or less callous and that you might die in the meantime.

Shoxfordian · 14/08/2020 19:15

She sounds very shellfish

Do you stand up for yourself though? I wouldn't see her so much if I were you

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2020 19:22

She sounds very shellfish

Hahahaaaa. Sorry, given the topic of discussion, this is hilarious.

ancientgran · 14/08/2020 19:23

I've heard people be dismissive about allergies but she is taking it to an extreme. I've never eaten shellfish, I'm not allergic that I know of but I just find it revolting and I'd get annoyed with her attitude so I don't know how you cope.

Can you tell her you don't want it mentioned again, you don't care if she believes you but if she wants to go on holiday or have meals with you it isn't to be discussed.

julybaby32 · 14/08/2020 19:23

Do you think you could post when you are back in your own home and safe, please? Just to let us know?

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